A/N: This story picks
up right after Entropy,
so obviously the Spike/Buffy part of Seeing Red did not take place for
the purposes of this story...but otherwise, just assume that everything
else from the end of Season Six happened just as in canon, with the
exception of Spike going to get his soul...Hopefully I'll fill in some
gaps and feel free to ask about it if something doesn't make
sense...and
if it's not a part of the mystery I'll do my best to *make* it make
sense! J
43. Alone
Spike's body went perfectly still in Buffy's
arms, at the death knell that was the sound of the doorbell downstairs.
He fought back a sick sensation of panic that rose up in his throat,
fought back the desperate desire to beg her to let him back out of the
plan.
But he *did* fight it back.
"It's gonna be okay," Buffy whispered to him reassuringly one last
time, hugging him close to her for a few moments before releasing him
and standing up, taking his hand and leading him toward the door.
Before they had reached it, it burst open, and Dawn rushed into the
room.
"He's here!" she hissed in a stage whisper. "Xander's here!"
"I know." Buffy's voice was carefully calm. "We're ready."
Dawn studied her sister's expression, and then Spike's fearful but
heartbreakingly brave face, for a long moment before saying a word.
Then, she cast her sister a look of disgusted dismissal, as she stepped
in close to Spike, holding his gaze intently as she spoke in a soft,
firm voice.
"You *don't* have to do this. You know that, right?"
Spike nodded silently, swallowing hard, and fighting back the tears
that rose in his eyes at her words.
"If you want to back out of this – you can, Spike – nobody's gonna stop
you." Another angry glare found its way to the Slayer as she spoke
those words.
"It's – it's okay, Dawn," Spike insisted quietly, and his voice was
much firmer now than it had been downstairs. "I promise, love...it's all
right. I'll – I'll be fine."
"See?" Buffy said in a tone of pointed satisfaction.
Dawn completely ignored her.
With a weary sigh, Buffy said, "I'm gonna go on down. You two come on
down in a minute or two, so he won't suspect anything. Then we'll do it
– just like we planned."
"Just like *you* planned," Dawn muttered her correction, once she was
sure that her sister was out of earshot. She focused her full attention
on Spike as she repeated with concern, "Spike – are you sure? You
really don't have to..."
"I'm sure," he interrupted softly, looking down at the floor and
swallowing hard. "I can do this – and – and it'll be over in a few
minutes, yeah? I'll – I'll be fine."
Dawn did not seem convinced, but she knew that Spike had made up his
mind to go through with it, no matter how terrified he was – just to
please Buffy. She sighed, knowing that she was not going to be able to
change his mind – or his intense, even unreasonable, loyalty to her
sister.
"You can change your mind," she reminded him in a tone of quiet
resignation. "At any time. Any time you decide you don't want to do
this – just tell me, and I'll talk to Buffy – okay?"
"Okay," Spike nodded, his voice even softer now, and a bit uncertain.
"But – I won't be changing my mind, Dawn."
"Okay," she agreed, her hands raised in a backing-off gesture. "Just –
if you do."
He nodded again, accepting her words.
She took his hand, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, as she
started toward the stairs. She paused in the doorway, her hand resting
on the handle for a moment, a thoughtful frown on her face as she
studied it.
"Even if you – you get up here," she continued as an after thought.
"And you decide *then* that you just can't stand the thought of being
alone with him at all – all you have to do is lock this door." She
demonstrated as she spoke, turning the lock and unturning it again. "He
won't be able to get in – and when he comes back down and says so –
I'll know you changed your mind, and I'll tell Buffy – okay?"
Spike's eyes widened slightly as the image of Xander coming through
that bedroom door – into a room which would instantly become a
claustrophobic trap with the addition of the boy's stifling, terrifying
presence – flooded his mind with fresh panic.
Suddenly, he was not all that sure that he might not take advantage of
what Dawn was suggesting.
"Okay," he agreed with a slightly more emphatic nod, his voice
trembling slightly. "I – I'll remember."
Together, hand in hand, Dawn and Spike descended the stairs.
Both carefully avoided the gaze of the young carpenter who was standing
in the foyer – Spike, out of sheer terror, unable even to lift his eyes
to his face; Dawn, knowing that if she once met his eyes, he would
certainly be able to see the burning hatred that had to be in her gaze
now.
Dawn followed Spike's lead, without releasing his hand, as he led her
across the room to where Buffy was seated on the couch with Giles and
Anya – giving Xander a wide berth as he did – and knelt on the floor
beside the Slayer, his trembling hand resting on her knee, desperate
for the slight reassurance that her nearness provided.
He could feel his terror mounting, his thoughts spinning out of control
in panic, as he struggled to keep a rein on his emotions – just to *get
through this*!
"What's the matter, Baby?" Buffy asked him gently, reaching her hand
down to gently run through his hair in a soothing caress – but he could
hear the slightly false edge to her voice – the sound that reminded him
that even this gesture, these words, were a part of her plan...and that
whether by ignorance or by choice, the Slayer had no idea how truly
terrified he was, how little of his trembling, fearful manner was an
act.
He shook his head, lowering it to rest on his hand on her knee, choking
back very real sobs – unable to bring himself to answer.
"Hey," she pressed him gently, reaching down a hand to tilt his chin
up, forcing him to raise his head to look at her. "It's okay – what's
wrong, Spike?"
He kept his eyes averted – somehow unable to meet her gaze – as he
waited for the plan to play out around him as Buffy had known that it
would.
"Hey, Spike." Xander's voice was soft, cautiously non-confrontational,
as he took a slow step toward the trembling vampire, one hand extended
in front of him, as if Spike was a particularly skittish and dangerous
dog. "Hey, Buddy – remember me?"
Xander met Buffy's eyes in a hesitant question over Spike's head, and
after a moment's feigned consideration, the Slayer bit her lip a bit
anxiously, and nodded her assent.
"It's just Xander," she softly soothed the vampire, running her fingers
through his hair. "Remember? From the other night, when you had that
really bad nightmare? He told me about it – you weren't scared of him
then, were you?"
For a fraction of an instant, Spike's eyes shot up to Buffy's, panicked
and pleading, before he suddenly changed his mind again and averted his
gaze once more, shaking his head as he knew he was supposed to –
according to the plan. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Buffy's
cautious hand beckon Xander closer – and shuddered slightly at the very
thought.
*Just a few minutes – it'll be over quick – just gotta get through it –
just a few minutes – over quick – oh, *please*, Buffy, don't let him...*
"Hey, Spike," Xander repeated in a soft, coaxing voice that still sent
a shiver of terror through the vampire's body. "It's okay – I'm not
gonna hurt you, Buddy – you know that. I'm your friend – remember?"
Spike did not miss the very subtle edge of warning to his voice – and
this time, neither did the others, though none of them showed any sign
of noticing it. As he spoke, Xander was edging steadily nearer, his
hand still outstretched to touch him – and every nerve in Spike's body
was taut to its limit, every ounce of strength he had employed in
simply not running – not – not yet – not until...
Xander was only a couple of feet away, when Spike felt the barely
there, fractional tug of Buffy's fingers in his hair – the signal that
the time was right. Just before the boy's hand actually came into
contact with his shaking shoulder, Spike scrambled backward to his
feet, knocking Dawn from her knees back onto her rear in the process –
and bolted up the stairs.
He could hear various words and other sounds of dismay from the people
in the living room as he dashed into Buffy's bedroom and shut the door
hard – knew how the scene was going to play out – what Buffy was going
to say, mere moments from now.
*Maybe you were right before, Xander...he has to learn that some men are
safe...go ahead on up, talk to him, see if you can calm him down like you
did the other night...no, really, it's okay, I think it'll be good for
him...*
Spike wasn't really sure if he was remembering what Buffy had said she
was going to tell Xander, or actually hearing the faint traces of the
words as she spoke them downstairs – but it didn't really matter.
Either way, he knew that within moments, Xander was going to be at the
door to Buffy's bedroom.
And then – he would be *in* Buffy's bedroom.
With Spike.
*Alone*.
His panicked eyes darted to the lock in the center of the doorknob, the
one Dawn had pointed out to him – the tiny piece of metal that would
lock him in the room – and provide his way out.
*Any time you decide you don't want to do this...*
At the first soft thud on the bottom stair – a footstep that would not
have been audible to human ears – Spike felt something inside him
break, as the panic began to swell up inside him, overriding his every
rational thought, and driving him physically to his knees in front of
the door, choking back violent sobs that shook his body, gasping for
breath as the room seemed to close in on him.
A few more steps – and Xander would be there.
*You don't have to do this...*
Spike felt his hand begin to cramp, and glanced up with half-aware
surprise to see that it was clenched tightly around the doorknob – as
three, four more soft footsteps were heard outside the door.
Spike's trembling fingers sought purchase on the small circular lock in
the center of the doorknob, his breath coming in short, rapid, panicked
gasps now, as he tried to decide what to do.
*Buffy wants you to let him in – have to let him in – have to prove it
was him or she'll never really believe you – a part of her will always
hate you, because she'll never be sure...*
*Oh, God, what if she can't stop him in time? What if he gets me back
again? *What if he has the gun*?*
A slight, by now familiar creak on the landing as Xander finished his
trek up the stairs – and Spike's shaking hand had turned the lock, just
before he collapsed into tears, his body shaking with terror, his arms
wrapped around himself, his head bowed against his chest as he sobbed
in helpless confusion and fear.
Spike flinched violently at the soft metallic sound of the doorknob, as
Xander tried to open it – and then, silence, when he found it locked.
For a moment, time stood still as Spike waited...waited for him to say
something, to try to convince him to open the door...to turn around and
go back downstairs, to tell Buffy that he was locked out, so that Dawn
could make this whole thing end...or to slam the door open with the
violent force with which Spike had become so painfully familiar, to use
his fists, his feet – his *gun* -- to bring the vampire back into
submission to him.
"Spike?"
His breath caught in his throat at the sound of that deadly soft voice,
and he felt his trembling increase, as he scrambled backward across the
floor, until his back hit the side of Buffy's bed.
"I know you're in there." There was a brief pause, and Spike could hear
the cruel amusement in Xander's voice, barely over a whisper, and
certainly not audible to those downstairs.
"Hey – you wanna see a trick? Let's see, let me think...how about...how
fast can I kill everybody that you care about? I think I can do it in
about – oh, ten seconds? Yeah, I think that'll work. By the time you
crawl out of that corner you're hiding in and get downstairs – they'll
already all be dead – unless you get over here and open this door."
"No," Spike was not even aware he was going to speak until he heard the
whimper torn from his throat. "Please...no..."
A soft, dangerous laugh on the other side of the door was his response
– and after a moment, he heard the doorknob rattle slightly again as
Xander tried it once more. "I haven't got all night, Spike," he warned
him softly. "Open. The door. Or I go downstairs, and shoot them all.
Dawn. Buffy. Giles. Even Anya, if you make me, Spike. And I guarantee
it – they won't recover like you did..."
As the boy spoke his cruel threats softly though the door, Spike found
himself creeping slowly along the floor on his knees, toward the door –
compelled by the horror of what he might do to Buffy and Dawn, as well
as by long-ingrained habit. As Xander finished talking for the moment,
Spike found himself back at the door, struggling to stifle the gasping
sobs that filled his throat – his hand resting on the doorknob.
"Can you count to three, Spike?" Xander asked him in a mild, disarming
voice of curiosity. "Have you learned that much yet?" He paused, before
adding, "I can. And I'm going to. You know what happens when I get to
three?"
Spike felt the jaws of the trap that this plan had turned out to be
closing around him – with no escape in sight. His hand tightened on the
doorknob, as his internal war raged on, trying to determine what he
would do.
*If I let him in – he's already so mad – he's gonna kill me – he's
gonna hurt me...no, no...*no*...!*
"One..."
Spike's heart leapt up into his throat, and he flinched, as a fresh
wave of terror gripped him at the thought of his little surrogate
family downstairs.
*Buffy – Dawn – can't let him hurt them...can't...*
"Two..."
*Oh God, he's gonna kill me! No, can't do it! Can't make myself – let
him in...no...*
He leaned heavily against the door, his head bowed against the smooth
wood surface, tears of desperation and despair streaking his face as
his shoulders shook with sobs.
*Can't let him hurt them – if he kills me – can't let him hurt them...*
"Thr..."
"Wait! Please, wait!" Spike gasped out, his fingers scrabbling on the
doorknob as he fumbled for the lock – and finally found it.
"That's a boy," Xander encouraged him in a soft, approving voice that
Spike knew could turn deadly and cruel in an instant – obviously
pleased with the sound of the vampire's attempts to open the door and
obey his command. "I knew you wouldn't let them down, Spike..."
The click of the lock sounded impossibly loud in the stillness of the
room – stillness and safety that was about to be shattered – a moment
before Xander's hand gripped the knob, and pushed the door slowly open.
And Spike was once more on his knees before his abuser.
Xander smirked at him as he stepped into the room, closing the door
firmly behind him. His hand hovered on the knob for a moment, glancing
thoughtfully between Spike's face, and the lock behind him.
"You know – that's actually not a bad idea, Spike," he spoke in a
quietly mocking voice – as he turned the circle in the center of the
knob – locking them in together. "Now," he smirked as he turned toward
the trembling, retreating vampire, staring up at him through wide,
terrified eyes as he struggled on his knees to back away from the
advancing young man.
"Where were we?"