A/N: This story picks
up right after Entropy,
so obviously the Spike/Buffy part of Seeing Red did not take place for
the purposes of this story...but otherwise, just assume that everything
else from the end of Season Six happened just as in canon, with the
exception of Spike going to get his soul...Hopefully I'll fill in some
gaps and feel free to ask about it if something doesn't make
sense...and
if it's not a part of the mystery I'll do my best to *make* it make
sense! J
61. If You Love Something...
"Please say something."
Buffy's voice was tearful, pleading, as she stared up at Spike through
wide, glistening eyes -- eyes that were more open and vulnerable in
that moment than Spike had ever seen them before.
"I - I don't know *what* to say, love," he explained quietly, a lost
note to his voice as he shook his head, looking away from those eyes
that he had been lost in so many times before -- those eyes that he
knew held the power to shake his resolve and muddle his thinking until
he would give her whatever it was that she wanted from him, even if he
knew better.
Even if it was bad for him.
"I'm asking you to forgive me, Spike," Buffy repeated softly. "I'm not
asking you to pretend like it never happened. I'm not asking you to
just go back to the way things were before immediately..."
Spike looked up at her sharply, an unspoken question in his eyes, his
lips parted to object.
"*Ever*," Buffy amended with an apologetic grimace. "You're
right...things *never* need to go back to the way they were before --
because I was never fair to you. Well -- at least not -- after you
stopped trying to kill me."
Those words earned her a half-hearted attempt at a smile, though
Spike's eyes were still troubled, still averted from hers.
"You're right, Buffy," he said softly without looking at her. "Things
can't ever be like they were again. I won't let them be."
Though there was a quiet sorrow to his voice, depths of emotion that
had always been there, even when she had not wanted to see it - there
was a subtle hardness to Spike's tone as well -- a sound that told her
that no matter what he felt for her, this vampire had learned his
lesson.
The Slayer would have to find herself another sounding board that
doubled as a punching bag whenever he happened to tell her something
she didn't want to hear.
Buffy felt old defenses start to rise within her, as an anger born of
her hurt -- and the fear that she was losing him -- began to swell up
in her heart.
"I know things were bad," she said softly, a certain coolness coming
into her voice, as she stared at him with challenging eyes glistening
with tears. "But I'm not the only one who made them that way. You hurt
me, too, Spike." She paused, composing her words before going on in a
voice of trembling steel, "I came back from the dead with a lot of hurt
in me -- a lot of darkness -- and it seems to me you did your best to
pull it out, any way you could."
The vampire was still, silent, taking in those words and then nodding
slowly in acceptance. "I know it," he admitted calmly. "Though -- by
your own bloody black and white, humans versus demons, Slayer logic --
you had a bit more to draw on than I did in making the right choices,
now didn't you, love?"
Buffy opened her mouth to object, but Spike went on before she could.
"I *tried* to learn, Buffy! I tried to be what you deserved -- what you
wanted..." He paused, his voice softening as he continued, a bit
self-consciously, "...tried to join you in the light...you just kept bloody
pushing me out again. So -- I thought the only way to be with you --
the only way to -- to make you mine -- was to pull you into the dark,
with me."
Buffy was silent, stunned by his explanation -- and touched, feeling
the hurt and confusion and desperation he must have felt back
then...feelings she had not acknowledged that he had even really had,
until this moment.
"Now, in hindsight," Spike went on, a cold, melancholy note to his
voice that sent a chill down her spine, "I know it was wrong -- and I'm
sorry, Buffy. But it's all I knew to do. I thought if I could make you
embrace your own darkness -- you'd be able to look past mine...be able to
love me. But -- all it did was hurt you -- and me." He paused, a
humorless laugh leaving his lips as he concluded in an aching whisper,
"Wasn't bloody worth it, was it?"
A cold, empty fear started in the pit of her stomach, as she wondered
at the meaning of his words, and realization of the possible
consequences of her thoughtless actions began to dawn on her. Buffy
swallowed hard, steeling herself for his answer as she drew in a deep
breath and asked quietly, "Do you -- do you still love me?"
Spike did not answer for a long moment, his eyes focused on the floor,
but he flinched slightly at the question, an ironic little smile that
held no joy or pleasure forming on his lips.
"Bloody hell, Slayer," he said in hushed voice, thick with emotion.
"You don't fight fair, you know that?"
"This isn't fighting!" Buffy objected, shaking her head and moving in
closer, anxiously seeking his eyes. "It's a simple question..."
"No, love, it's anything but simple," Spike countered, glancing at her
for just a moment before looking down again -- but that moment was long
enough for her to see the lost expression of pain and confusion in his
eyes.
"Really?" Buffy's words were barely a breath on her lips, as she
swallowed back a sob of regret, and of fear that her regret might mean
nothing, now. "It seems fairly simple to me. Either you do or you
don't. Yes or no."
She wasn't pushing, wasn't demanding an immediate answer -- just
stating her opinion on the simplicity of the matter -- but although he
knew that on some level, somehow Spike still *felt* like he was being
pushed.
"See, that's where your problem is, Slayer," Spike muttered, pulling
back away from her, needing the distance to clear his thoughts a bit.
"Yes or no, black and white, no bloody middle ground...you want us to
just *be there*, at the end of all the soddin' heartache and drama,
without giving me the bloody space to *get there*!"
"I've given you *six weeks* of space!" Buffy exclaimed in surprised
frustration, and then immediately bit her lip, realizing the way her
words must have sounded. Still, she didn't stop before she had said all
of them. "And from the sounds of things when I walked in, you weren't
happy with *that*, either!"
"That's because I didn't want you to just bloody well ignore me, as if
I'd never existed!" Spike exploded, turning toward her again, blue eyes
blazing with frustration. "I wanted..." His voice trailed off, and he
looked away, shaking his head, unable to find words to express what it
was that he wanted.
"You wanted me here," Buffy concluded cautiously.
"No! I mean -- yes, I wanted you here...but...bloody hell, Buffy..." His
words trailed off, and he shook his head again sadly. "It's anything
but simple," he repeated, his voice soft and aching with the muddled
emotions they both were feeling.
There was a moment's tense silence between them, before Spike finally
continued, looking up to meet her eyes with an intensity that nearly
made her look away.
Nearly.
She held his gaze, bravely steeling herself to take whatever it was
that he felt the need to say to her -- no matter how badly it might
hurt.
"Yes, Buffy -- I forgive you," he began slowly, cautiously, swallowing
hard before he added softly, "*mostly*...but there's a part of me that
will never forget it. Never *can* forget it, probably shouldn't. And
that part hasn't quite forgiven you yet. Yes, I want you here. I
*always* want you here, Buffy..." He shook his head with a sort of
bittersweet sorrow, before adding, "...but it makes it so bloody hard,
too. It's -- easier -- somehow -- when I can just -- put Sunnydale, and
the Whelp, and -- and even you, Buffy -- out of my head, and just -- go
on, yeah?"
It hurt, but Buffy nodded her understanding. She *did* understand that,
even if the idea broke her heart -- the idea that putting her out of
his mind completely made life so much easier for Spike, when she had so
wanted to be the one helping to make things easier -- loving him
through his healing process.
"I -- I *do* love you, Buffy," Spike confessed softly, a single tear
escaping his eye as he finally looked away from her. "Think I always
have -- think I always will."
He hesitated a moment, before looking back up at her, something deep
and desolate in his eyes that stole her breath away, as he added in a
whisper,
"Just don't know if I *should*."
Buffy couldn't help but flinch at those words, and it took a supreme
effort to fight back the defensive words that rose up in response
within her. There were so many things she wanted to say -- so many
excuses, explanations...pleas...but she knew she had to let him get this
out, before she said her piece -- and she had to hear all of what he
had to say.
"Loving you, Buffy," Spike shook his head, the tears coming faster now,
"you've no bloody idea how it feels. It's -- raw, and intense, and --
and consuming, and passionate, and painful -- and it's all I've bloody
done for the past two years -- and -- and it's nearly killed me." He
paused, before admitting in a whisper, "Don't know if I want to stop --
don't know if I'd even know how, or be able to do it if I did --
but...Buffy, even I can only take so much...and...when you chose him...over
me...when you knew what he did...when you said you...you *loved* me..."
"Spike, I do love you!" Buffy could no longer keep her silence, moving
in close to him, her own face streaked with tears, her voice choked
with emotion. "I love you so much! I see that now! I know I've done a
lot of things wrong, never treated you like I should have -- but things
will be different now, I promise you, Spike!"
When she reached out to place her hands on his arms, in a gentle,
beseeching way, he stiffened slightly, but he did not pull away, as he
choked back a sob that rose in his throat.
"It might be too late," Buffy sobbed softly now, lowering her head as
her shaking hands clung to him desperately, terrified that he was
slipping from her grasp despite her physical hold on him. "It might be
too little, too late, now -- but I choose *you*, Spike. I choose
*you*...please..."
Those tender, heartfelt words nearly broke the blond vampire, and he
lowered his head toward her almost instinctively, his body expressing
his intense desire to fall into the promise she offered, to accept the
comfort of her embrace.
But that embrace had burned him before -- and he didn't know if he
could safely go back there again.
"Give me a chance, Spike," Buffy whispered, lowering her head to rest
against his chest, shamelessly pleading now, knowing better than she
had ever known, that she would not -- *could* not -- give him up. She
needed him so much. "Please, give me a chance to prove it. It's not
just words -- I mean it. I love you, and I want to prove it. Please let
me..."
Spike could not speak, his voice choked off by his own sobs, as his
hands rose of their own accord to rest at her waist, pulling her
slightly closer to him, as his head fell forward to rest against the
top of hers, his tears flowing down to dampen her golden hair.
"Buffy," he finally rasped out in a voice thick with emotion, "if you
-- if you really love me..."
Buffy pulled back, looking up at him with a wild hope in her
tear-filled eyes, searching his gaze for the chance she had pleaded
for, that he now appeared willing to give her. "Yes?" she urged him
softly. "Please, Spike...anything..."
He closed his eyes, his head still bowed, his hands running up and down
her arms, memorizing the feel of her silken skin, as he struggled to
find the strength to do what he needed to do.
Questions still remained in his mind. He knew she meant what she was
saying -- but did she really feel it, or was she deceiving herself?
Could she really make the choice she was claiming to make, choosing him
above even her closest friends? Did she really have the feelings she
claimed to have -- or was she just afraid of losing the hold she had
over him?
Did she love him -- or just love the way he made her feel?
"If you love me," he repeated in a whisper that was still stronger than
his previous words, "if you really love me, Buffy..." He hesitated, and
then forced the words out on a barely audible breath, "...you'll go."
Buffy felt her heart skip a beat in her chest, as time froze for a
moment, as she stared at him in stricken disbelief. Surely he didn't
mean for her to just *leave* -- not after she had finally seen the
depth of feeling he still held for her? Surely he didn't *really* want
her to...
*But you're thinking about what *you* want, Buffy,* a soft, sure voice
spoke in her head with a clarity that had not often marked Buffy's
ideas about relationships -- and the voice sounded suspiciously like
that of her own mother. *Not about what Spike *needs*. He loves you --
he's told you that -- but he's not ready yet. If you love him -- you
have to honor his request. You can't keep trying to control how he
feels, what he does...*everything*. If you love him...you have to let him
go...*
Buffy stared up into his pleading blue eyes, her own eyes welling with
fresh tears, a hard ache swelling up in her chest. A bittersweet smile
formed on her lips, as she raised a gentle, tentative hand to the back
of his neck, and pulled him down slowly into a tender, intimate kiss
that was still somehow chaste and unassuming.
A kiss that said that she wanted nothing more than just that -- a kiss.
He surrendered to it, tears of longing and aching desire streaking his
face again -- and in that moment, Buffy knew in her heart that had she
resisted his request, had she simply kept doing what she was doing,
what she had become so good at that past year, she would not have had
to leave. Spike would have allowed her to stay, and still would have
accepted her back -- he loved her that much, in spite of his words, in
spite of what the consequences could have been for his own heart, had
he accepted her back on her own terms, rather than his.
But she *did* love him -- much too much to take advantage of his
feelings for her.
Reluctantly, she finally pulled back, ending the kiss as she looked up
into his eyes again, her smile firmer now, braver, and with a hope in
it that had not been there before.
"You know where to find me," she whispered softly, trying to put the
whole of her heart into the simple words.
Spike opened his mouth to respond, his eyes shining with a depth of
emotion that he could not have put into words -- but Buffy gently
raised a finger and pressed it to his lips, shaking her head with
understanding in her eyes.
"I love you," she stated simply, earnestly, as she lowered her hand and
studied his expression for one last moment -- as if it might really
*be* the last moment.
And then, she turned without another word -- and walked out the door.