A/N: This story picks
up right after Entropy,
so obviously the Spike/Buffy part of Seeing Red did not take place for
the purposes of this story...but otherwise, just assume that everything
else from the end of Season Six happened just as in canon, with the
exception of Spike going to get his soul...Hopefully I'll fill in some
gaps and feel free to ask about it if something doesn't make
sense...and
if it's not a part of the mystery I'll do my best to *make* it make
sense! J
63. On His Terms
"Spike..." Buffy's voice sounded a bit lost, a
bit distant in her own ears, overwhelmed with shock at the sight of him
standing there, right in front of her, just as she had hoped.
Oh, God -- was it possible? Was it just a wishful dream?
"Spike!" Dawn echoed, her voice barely over a whisper, her eyes wide as
saucers as her young mind rapidly considered the possible reasons why
he might have shown up here so unexpectedly -- and with impressive
maturity, concluded that her presence would not be helpful to any of
those possible reasons. "I'll just, um -- talk to you later. Homework,
you know..." she shrugged.
Still, as she passed him on the way out of the kitchen, she couldn't
resist giving him a quick hug. "But if you leave again without talking
to me first, you're dust, Mister!" she added in his ear, before
releasing him and heading up the stairs.
Spike couldn't help a slight smile at her affectionate threat, his eyes
following her momentarily -- but the moment she had disappeared up the
stairs, the smile faded from his lips, as his serious eyes came to
focus on Buffy again. His gaze was piercing, intent -- but Buffy did
not look away.
Silent, barely daring to hope that he was actually there, he had
actually come back to her, she walked slowly toward him, her eyes
fastened on his, and searching...searching for something that she had
feared was gone forever.
Except...Dawn had just said...
"You love me," she whispered, and though the sound of the words was a
statement, there was a hopeful, desperate question in her eyes. "You
still do..."
Spike glanced downward at that, but quickly met her eyes again, his
head lowered and tilted slightly, his expression softening. "I do,
Buffy," he admitted softly. "You know that."
Buffy shook her head slowly, tears welling in her eyes, of relief, and
regret, and the remaining traces of the fear that had filled her heart
for the past two months. "I didn't. I mean -- I wasn't...sure..."
"Well -- that's just because you're bloody daft, then," Spike shrugged
matter-of-factly, though his mouth twitched upward slightly in the
barest hint of a smile, "because it's not as if I haven't done every
last soddin' thing I could to prove it to you. Even if it killed me --
don't think I could stop if I tried."
"You -- haven't been? Trying...not to...?" Buffy was a bit startled by her
own voice -- hollow, and timid, and small, not a bit like the powerful,
commanding Slayer she usually was.
At the moment -- she was simply Buffy...a broken-hearted girl, hoping for
a second chance.
Spike shrugged again, his eyes dropping again to gaze at the floor as
he admitted softly with a rueful half-smile, "Not very hard."
The tears that had filled her eyes now flowed down her face, as she
swiftly closed the remaining distance between them, her trembling hands
reaching out to rest on his arms, her eyes lowered as she whispered in
a shaky voice of relief and gratitude,
"You're here -- oh, God, Spike, you're really here!"
Her words broke off the moment her hands touched him -- and he abruptly
took a step backward, away from her touch...away from *her*. She looked
up at him, her eyes wide with startled hurt, questioning.
"I-I'm sorry...what...what's wrong?" she whispered, hesitant -- not sure
she really wanted to hear the answer.
Spike did not look at her for a moment, his eyes focused downward as he
drew in a deep, steadying breath, preparing himself to respond.
"All right," he began a bit nervously. "Okay. Buffy -- just -- it's all
right, yeah? I'm not -- mad, or -- or rejecting you, or anything like
that, right? I'm just -- it's just -- we've got to go about this right.
There's got to be some -- some -- ground rules."
"Rules," Buffy echoed uncertainly, taken a bit off guard by his
reaction, as well as by the surprising words, especially surprising
coming from Spike. "O-okay. What kind of..." Her voice trailed off, as
she looked up at him again, shaking her head in confusion.
"Okay...I'm already bollixing this whole bloody thing up," Spike sighed,
rolling his eyes in frustration at himself, before looking back at her,
biting his lip momentarily before setting his jaw in determination.
"It's like this, love," he tried again, holding her gaze firmly, though
he was clearly a bit self-conscious about this whole conversation. "I
love you. You know I do. But -- things can't go back to the way they
were before..."
"I know that!" Buffy eagerly broke in, taking a cautious step closer to
him. "Spike, I know! I meant what I said before, and..."
"I know you did," he interrupted gently, then corrected with an
apologetic grimace, "Leastwise -- I'm *tryin'* to know it. Trying
to give you every benefit
of every bloody doubt here, love -- but -- you need to know right now
-- this isn't going to be a bloody cakewalk, Buffy..."
"I know," Buffy broke in, nodding vigorously. "I know it's not going to
be easy, but I'm willing to work at this, Spike! I'm willing to do
whatever it is that you need, to make this..."
"What I *need* right now is for you to *listen to me*!"
The Slayer immediately fell silent, and Spike winced slightly, aware
that his tone had been a bit harsher than he had intended for it to be.
"It's just -- this isn't easy for me either, Buffy...and I just need you
to hear what it is that I have to say -- all right?"
"Okay," Buffy replied, her voice sounding unusually meek and subdued.
"I'm sorry."
Spike sighed regretfully, his tone softening as he replied in a loaded
sort of voice, thick with emotion, "I am too, Buffy. I am too."
After a brief, tense moment, in which Spike struggled to find the right
words, and Buffy struggled just to keep silence and let him, Spike
finally went on, keeping his voice deliberately calm and even, through
the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.
"This is just -- the way things have to be, yeah? If we're gonna make
this work."
"Okay," Buffy agreed softly, looking up at him with a solemn expectancy
in her eyes.
"Here's the thing of it, love. I still love you -- but -- it takes a
bit longer to get back that sense of -- of trust. That's why I think we
should -- try to go slow, yeah? Don't rush it -- just -- sort of -- get
to know each other again..."
"Okay," Buffy repeated in a whisper, nodding her acceptance. So far,
his terms did not sound all that bad.
"And -- and that means -- without all the bloody distractions that'll
have me losing my soddin' head and falling at your bloody feet again in
a week," Spike continued, rather bluntly, meeting her eyes not without
compassion, as he confessed softly, "Every time you touch me, Buffy --
I -- all I want is you -- and -- and yet -- I can't just -- just jump
right back in, because if I do -- it's too easy to just slip back into
the same old patterns, love. And I can't do that. I *won't*. So --
until we figure out how to just -- just *be* together again...I...I don't
think..."
His voice trailed off, as he could not quite bring himself to say what
it was that he meant, for fear of hurting her worse than he knew he
already had.
But Buffy knew what it was that he was trying to say.
"You don't want me to touch you."
The mingled hurt and acceptance in her voice made the vampire wince,
before meeting her eyes apologetically. "I'm sorry, love...I don't mean
to..."
"No," Buffy cut him off firmly, shaking her head and bravely holding
his gaze. "You're right. We don't need anything to -- distract us. Or
confuse us. Not while we're trying to figure things out again."
Spike studied her gaze for a long moment, a bewildered sort of surprise
in his eyes, before he let out a heavy sigh of relief. "Thanks, love,"
he murmured, his gratitude obvious in his voice, as he prepared to go
on.
"Also -- whatever *does* happen between us -- even if we never get past
the 'talking buddies' stage," Spike smiled slightly at the reminiscent
phrase, but then grew serious as he finished, "can't be a secret, love.
Not again." Before she could interrupt him, he held up a hand to give
her pause, and reassured her, "Now, don't think I mean we can't have
*any* secrets from the Bit, and your mates. Bloody hell -- there's a
lot of things we've done I'd rather never come up in public, love...but..."
Again, his voice trailed off as he couldn't seem to find the words.
Again -- Buffy found them for him.
She held his gaze firmly, compassion and regret in her eyes, as she
interrupted in a soft, earnest voice, "I'm not ashamed of you, Spike. I
was stupid to ever be, before. And no matter what happens between us --
I won't make you my secret again."
Spike nodded, swallowing back the hard knot that had formed in his
throat, before looking up at her with a self-directed roll of his
suddenly tear-filled eyes. "Right," he cleared his throat, with an
effort getting his emotions enough under control to go on. "Right,
then...'s long as that's settled. And -- and there's more..."
Buffy nodded, instinctively shifting in closer to him, as her desire to
comfort him rose up in her, compelling her to take his hands, to put
her arms around him -- though she steadfastly suppressed the impulse.
Spike's downcast eyes glanced up at her, and then down again, as he
said, "There's got to be -- some bloody respect, Buffy. Both ways, I
know -- but it can't be...you can't just -- just put me down in front of
your friends, when you happen to be irritated with me, or just have had
a bad day -- and you can't call me names and treat me like I'm less
than human."
Again, he hurriedly interrupted himself before she could -- though she
had had no intention of disagreeing with his words.
"I'm *not* human -- but I'm not *less* than human, either."
"I know, Spike," Buffy whispered. "I know that now. I promise, I won't..."
"And if you ever hit me again, Buffy -- all bets are off." Spike's
suddenly piercing eyes, suddenly riveted on hers, almost made Buffy be
the one to look away.
Almost.
She forced herself to face the pain, the accusation, and the barely
veiled shame in his eyes as he called her on what she had long held to
be the worst of her offenses against him, nodding slowly, solemnly, in
acceptance of his words.
"I won't be your soddin' stress reliever-slash-punching bag. Not
anymore. Sparrin's one thing. But -- but you can't...you can't treat me
like -- like I'm less than you, Buffy. Because -- I'm not. Being human
doesn't make you better -- and neither does being the soddin' Slayer,
either."
Spike's expression softened as he added in a near-whisper, "That's not
what makes you who you are -- not what makes you special."
Buffy did look away then, feeling uncomfortable with his sudden
tenderness, in light of the things they had been discussing.
"Well," she replied quietly, her voice thick with emotion. "You're
pretty special yourself, Spike." She looked up at him again, her wide
emerald eyes breathtakingly open and honest as she added in a whisper,
shaking her head, "I don't want to lose you, Spike. I'm so sorry -- you
know I'm so sorry for -- for all of that. And -- and there's nothing
you've said that I don't agree with completely."
She paused, before going on, "I'm willing to do whatever it is that you
need to fix this, Spike. I -- I do love you. And -- and I don't want to
confuse you -- or -- or make things any harder on you -- but I want to
be here for you, if you need me. I want you to know that I'm here for
you." She hesitated, before adding, "I want you to *want* me to be here
for you."
Spike was silent for a long moment, looking at the floor as he finally
whispered, "I do." And, then, barely audible, "I need you, Buffy...why do
think I'm here?"
Buffy felt an overwhelming sense of relief flood her heart, and she
blinked back tears. "I -- I'm so glad you are," she replied, with
complete sincerity.
"Thank you." Spike's voice was soft, vulnerable, in that moment, before
he glanced up to meet her gaze again, then looked away as the moment
became slightly awkward.
"Right. Well...I guess I'll -- see what's become of my old crypt in the
past few months. See if it's..."
"Stay here."
Spike looked up at her, startled -- and a bit apprehensive. "Buffy --
we can't..."
"We won't," she cut him off, shaking her head matter-of-factly. "Not
until you're ready. But until then -- as my dear *friend* -- I will not
have you living out in the middle of a cemetery in a crypt." Her voice
became both softer and firmer at the same time, her eyes narrowing
slightly in determined focus, as she added emphatically, "You are *not*
a monster, Spike -- and you don't belong there. If -- if you want to,"
she finished, her certainty leaving her with the cautious request, "you
could belong here. You *do*, as far as I'm concerned..."
Spike felt his heart swelling up within him with a deep ache of longing
and relief and fear and gratitude, all at once, all swirling together
until all he could feel was his love for her, and he could not speak
past the overwhelming emotions he was feeling.
"Please, Spike," Buffy whispered simply, searching his eyes. "Please
stay."
Spike hesitated only a moment, before he nodded, swallowing back a sob,
and managed to get the words out, "All right, Buffy. Thank you."
Buffy nodded. "You'll probably be most comfortable in the basement,"
she remarked, clarifying immediately, "Not that you have to stay there.
You're more than welcome upstairs. But -- the whole...sunlight issue..."
Spike nodded, understanding. "Right. Basement's fine, love."
Buffy sighed, relieved. "Okay," she nodded again, seeming suddenly a
bit nervous. "I'll just -- go and get some things together -- I'll help
you set it up..."
As she turned and headed toward the stairs, Spike stopped her with her
softly spoken name.
"*Buffy*."
She turned again slowly, looking up at him through strangely shy eyes.
His blue gaze locked onto hers, clearly speaking his depth of feeling
for her, as he reassured her, "I *do* love you, pet. You need to know
that. All this -- hasn't changed that. It's just..." He hesitated,
looking away for a moment before meeting her eyes again and finishing,
"...I'm just waiting on you to get there."
Buffy opened her mouth to protest, shaking her head, ready to insist
that she *was* there, she *did* love him, every bit as much as he...
And the thought dropped off there.
*Did* she love him, as much as he loved her? She knew that she loved
him -- but that much? Spike loved more deeply, more fully, than anyone
she had ever known in her entire life.
And didn't he deserve the same from her?
She wasn't sure if she had it to give -- yet -- but she knew beyond all
doubt, that time would only bring her deeper and deeper in love with
him.
She might not be quite there yet -- where he wanted for her to be --
but she knew that she would get there.
In time -- she would get there.