Belonging
by DreamsofSpike


32. Forgiveness

"Oh, God...oh God I can't do this," Buffy whispered, shaking her head, appearing on the verge of hyperventilating in her panic. Willow got up from her chair and went to stand in front of her, holding her arms and looking her in the eye firmly.

"Buffy. Calm down," she ordered gently. "It's going to be all right." Suddenly, over Buffy's shoulder, Willow caught sight of Spike, still standing on the stairs, an uncertain look on his face. She pulled back from Buffy, who turned to look when she saw that her friend's attention had been distracted.

"Oh...Spike," she said, momentarily distracted from her fears by his obvious anxiety, the way he was holding back. "Come on down," she encouraged him, beckoning with her hand for him to join her.

"Is -- is everything all right?" he asked, his voice low and cautious as he approached her.

"Um...yeah," she replied, glancing distractedly between him and the doorway that led into the tiny foyer. The actual front door of the house was hidden from her view, but she could hear Tara's welcoming voice, followed by a couple of unfamiliar voices that seemed to be talking all at once. "I -- I hope so," she amended, her voice coming out in a little whimper.

And then, she heard the sound of a very familiar voice...and her heart leapt up into her throat at the sound. Suddenly she felt very sick.

"Your Watcher?" Spike asked softly, confirming what he thought he had heard them discussing.

"Uh-huh," Buffy nodded, swallowing hard, her wide, anxious eyes focused on the empty doorway to the foyer now. "Oh, God, Spike, I can't do this. He's gonna hate me. There's no way he's going to forgive me."

"Believe I've heard that before." She was surprised by the gentle humor in his voice, and she glanced at him quickly. His eyes were still down, not quite meeting hers, but the corner of his mouth was turned up in the beginnings of a smirk.

He was right, she realized. He *had* heard it before -- when she had been preparing to meet with Willow again for the first time. He had talked her into courage then, assuring her that her friend would forgive her, had to miss her terribly after their long estrangement -- and he had been right.

Suddenly, she felt much calmer, as she turned her eyes warm with appreciation and affection toward Spike, grateful for the steadying effect that he somehow seemed to always have on her.

He was not looking at her, and when she did not respond, he was uncertain how she had taken his comment. "I -- I'm sorry," he began hesitantly. "I wasn't trying to be..."

He stopped talking suddenly, taken by surprise, when she reached out unexpectedly and took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. He raised his eyes to hers in an unspoken question, surprised by the warmth he saw there.

"Thank you," she whispered, and his breath was stolen by what he saw in her eyes.

*No,* he told himself firmly. *It's not what you think...she's just...grateful. You made her feel better, and she appreciates it. Nothing more.* He could not allow his hopes to be raised, only to be dashed to pieces again.

And then, she released his hand and stepped forward to greet her Watcher, standing frozen in the doorway to the living room, staring at her with a sort of wonder in his ice blue eyes.

Buffy did not notice the three others, strangers to her, that preceded him into the living room, greeting her friends in a familiar way, as friends not seen in a long time. As Giles did not seem inclined to move toward her, Buffy stepped bravely toward him, meeting his eyes unflinchingly, though her own were wide and terrified.

"Giles," she spoke, barely recognizing the small, tremulous voice that came from her mouth. She hesitated a moment before beginning, haltingly, "I – I had this – this whole – speech thing, planned out – well, I mean, in the past...five...minutes...since I found out that you were coming, but – but the point is, I really thought I knew what I was going to say. It had something to do with – with you being right. Again. And – and my being an idiot for ever choosing Riley over you – and – and I think there was some extensive groveling and begging involved. Possibly on my knees."

"But now – with you right here," she paused for a moment, swallowing back a sob, forcing herself to go on in a voice full of pain and remorse, "I – I can't think of any of the words I was going to say. The only thing that I can think is – is..." Her voice broke, the tears welling in her eyes spilling over as her last words came out in a broken sob, "is that I've missed you so much – more than you can ever know...And I'm so...so *sorry*!"

The others gathered in the room were all still, silent, as if afraid that the slightest movement or sound would be to intrude upon the private moment unfolding before their eyes. Buffy stood there, visibly trembling in the face of her deserved judgment, staring up at the man who was more a father to her than her own, tears streaking her face as she waited for him to speak, and seal her fate.

After a long, weighted pause in which he just looked at her, his eyes, his expression, revealing nothing, he finally broke the silence in a calm, even voice.

"I, too, had a – a bit of a – scenario imagined for this meeting, Buffy," he admitted, and the distance in his tone made her heart sink. "I can't remember it all now, either, but I believe that it mostly consisted of you coming to me, much as in *your* scenario – and my telling you in no uncertain terms just how foolish, arrogant, and absolutely ungrateful you have been."

Buffy flinched slightly, and a hurt look formed in her eyes, but she bravely held his intense, piercing gaze as he went on.

"...interspersed with British foul language that you would no doubt not even comprehend, with a few I-told-you-so's thrown in for good measure." He paused before admitting, "And quite possibly even an emphatic instruction for you to go to hell." Giles' voice was utterly calm as he related to her the things that he had wanted to tell her. But when he went on, his voice was slightly softer.

"That was the scenario I envisioned – when I hung up the phone that morning. After you let me know so clearly that I was – no longer needed in your life."

Buffy flinched, dropping her eyes this time. Those were not the words she had used – but she might as well have; her actions had been that hurtful to him. "Giles, I..." she began in an aching whisper, but was stopped by his upraised hand, indicating that he was not yet finished.

The statement continued in her mind, desperate, yearning, *I *do* need you! I do!*

"Some time later, I began to picture a somewhat different scenario," Giles continued calmly. "My response to your apology became somewhat – more reasonable," he conceded. "I still included numerous severe reprimands and reminders that I did indeed warn you that something like this would happen...followed by...a tentative offer of – a chance. To – gradually – earn back my trust. My friendship."

There was a rising hope in Buffy's shining green eyes as she looked up at him; what little he was suggesting with those words was already more than she deserved.

"And now," Giles went on, and Buffy was surprised – and awed – to see that his eyes were glistening with unshed tears as well. "I find myself here, face to face with you as I had imagined, ,and – and I know that I should be angry with you...you find some satisfaction in your regret...but all my carefully thought out words – seem to have fled," he admitted with a soft laugh, shaking his head, his eyes still focused on hers. "All the things I wanted to say – don't seem to mean very much anymore. And only one thing really seems right – in this moment."

Buffy held her breath, waiting for him to pronounce his decision, thinking through it all with an affectionate amusement that for someone who claimed to have lost all his words, Giles certainly had had a lot to say.

And in the next instant, her own thoughts were stolen away by a stunning, utterly unexected reaction from her Watcher, as he stepped forward without another word to enfold her in his embrace.

For a moment she stood there, frozen in shock and relieved disbelief. This was simply so far removed from all she had expected – all she knew that she deserved – that she did not know how to react.

And then, her overwhelming relief, combined with the loneliness and loss of the past few years caught up to her all at once, and she dissolved into tears in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder and sobbing out the guilt and pain of the mistakes she had made.

Giles just held her like that for a few minutes, his strong arms around her offering her the support and forgiveness she had thought was lost to her. Once her emotions seemed to be coming back under control, he gently pushed her back a little, holding her at arm's length and looking her in the eye as he said quietly, "There now, dear. It's all right. We've got a lot to talk about, a lot of catching up to do. But let's not neglect everyone else."

Buffy suddenly remembered her friends, Giles' companions – and Spike. She turned around with an embarrassed, tearful little smile to face the rest of the group, aware that after her little sobfest, her face must be a mess.

"I'm gonna – go to the bathroom for a minute," she said in a voice that was a little shaky and raspy with the tears she had shed. "I'll be right back."

Spike, whose attention had not left her during the entire scene, took a hesitant step toward her, as if just wanting her to know that he was there in case she needed anything, but not quite daring to interrupt her private thoughts just yet by speaking.

She gave him a reassuring smile as she passed him, and once he realized that she did not need him for the moment, he reluctantly turned back to look at the rest of the group. He suddenly realized that with Buffy's exit, he had become the highest point of interest in the room.

The vampires accompanying Giles were presumably his slaves, but they were not behaving as slaves ordinarily did. They were comfortably settled around the room, chatting easily with Buffy's friends. They obviously knew them well, and were well at ease here in Willow and Tara's house.

But when Buffy left, and the attention of her Watcher came to rest on Spike, a sort of hush seemed to fall over the room. The other vampires looked with interest at the one who had drawn their master's attention, and Buffy's friends seemed drawn in as well, as Giles slowly stepped toward Spike.

Uncomfortable with the attention, the vampire dropped his eyes to the floor as Giles approached, feeling suddenly very nervous under the Watcher's penetrating gaze, and wishing that Buffy had not left the room – or that he had left it with her.

Giles took in the very changed image of the vampire he had once known. The clothes were very much the same as he had always worn, with the absence of the distinctive leather coat he used to wear. But his stance, his demeanor, was absolutely different. Everything about the way this version of Spike carried himself spoke of humility and submission – and more than a little fear.

As he drew nearer to him, Giles could see the nearly healed lash marks the covered every exposed part of his body, even his face. He frowned; Willow had filled him in on most things. She had told him that Buffy owned Spike now, and that she had brought him with her when she made the choice to leave her abusive husband, but somehow in the conversation, she had failed to mention the terrible beating that Spike had obviously taken.

At whose hands?

"Spike," Giles said by way of greeting, in a warm, friendly voice. The last time he had seen Spike, they had not been exactly on friendly terms, and the vampire was obviously very uncomfortable – possibly even afraid of him, for some reason. Giles found himself wanted very badly to put him at ease.

"How are you?" The question was a weak attempt at normalcy in a situation that was anything but.

Still, Spike found the genuine kindness in Giles' tone reassuring, and chanced a glance up at him as he responded in the way that his years in slavery had taught him – respectful and unassuming, drawing as little attention as possible to himself. "Very well, thank you, sir," he replied, his voice low and quiet, addressing Giles with a respect he had never granted him before – at least not openly.

It was a respect that Giles did not want.

"Spike," he said again, and something in his tone made Spike look up to see the expression in his eyes, one of sorrow and compassion for what he had become. "You needn't call me sir. My name is sufficient."

"Yes, Sir." Spike's response was automatic, and he closed his eyes for a moment with a little grimace at his own mistake, before amending, "Yes – Mr. Giles."

Giles laughed softly. "Sounds a bit odd coming from you, Spike," he commented in a light, casual tone, as if sharing a joke. "As much as I hate to admit it, I rather think I prefer your calling me 'Rupert', or even just 'Watcher' to such formality."

When Spike seemed awkwardly unsure of how to respond to his familiarity, Giles' smile faded completely into a troubled expression. "Perhaps you ought to go see what's keeping Buffy," he suggested mildly, knowing that the very much changed vampire would obey immediately as if it were a command.

The moment Spike disappeared up the stairs, Giles turned to Willow with anger in his eyes. "Who did that to him?" It was a demand for an answer; despite the fact that his voice was calm and quiet, it left no room for argument or denial.

"Riley." Willow's answer was immediate, and her own green eyes flashed fury at the very name of the sadistic man who had left such vicious injuries on the vampire who was helpless to defend himself against him.

Giles' next question caught Willow off guard. "And Buffy?" His eyes were full of a quiet anger as they met hers.

"No..." she gasped in shock when she realized what he was suggesting, her eyes widening in horror. "Giles, *God*, no! Buffy didn't have anything to do with that! She wasn't even there when he..."

"Willow," he stopped her. "I was rather asking about her – response – to Riley's actions." When his explanation earned only a blank, confused look, he clarified, "Did she express disapproval? Did she condone his actions?"

"No." Tara surprised Willow by speaking up in Buffy's defense. "No, she – it's part of why she left Riley."

"She beat the crap out of him for doing it," Xander offered helpfully, a gleeful smile on his face at the pleasant memory.

That broke Giles' stern expression into a smile as he nodded in satisfaction. "Glad to hear it." Then his voice was softer, not really intended for the others' ears, as he added, "Good to know my Slayer's still in there somewhere."

"She's really starting to come around," Willow insisted, encouraging that line of thought, which she liked much better than the previous one. "I think what happened was kind of a wake up call. It made her see Riley for what he really is."

Giles nodded thoughtfully. "Good. If she is finally starting to see how truly evil Riley's organization is, maybe she'll be able to help us stop him once and for all."

"Oh, she's gonna be all about that," Anya nodded optimistically. "She's a scorned woman. I *know* scorned women," she pointed out in a knowing voice, before adding flatly, "She's gonna want to take him for everything he's got."

Xander gave her a fond look, as he pulled her closer to him and she turned her head to look at him expectantly. "Remind me never to scorn you," he said teasingly before leaning in to give her a quick kiss.

Giles discreetly turned away from the ridiculously affectionate couple, for once too lost in his thoughts and plans to really be annoyed by their constant public displays of affection.

"Let's hope so," he said quietly, glancing with slight impatience toward the stairs. "As soon as Buffy gets back down here – we have things to discuss. And plans to make."