35. Changing
Perceptions
Buffy just stared at her Watcher for a
long
moment, not knowing what to say. She tried to organize her scrambled
thoughts before she allowed them to leave her mouth – time had taught
her that that was usually wiser than the alternative.
The first ideas that popped into her head as to what she intended to do
with Spike were all things that she doubted her Watcher had meant, or
would appreciate hearing about. As to the more serious version of the
question that Giles had actually meant to ask – Buffy had absolutely no
idea how to respond.
That was precisely her problem. In a moment of weakness and need, she
had made a rash decision that had altered her life – and Spike's – for
good. And now, she had to somehow figure out just how she was going to
deal with that decision. Because yes, what she had done was definitely
permanent, she thought with determination. Whatever confusion she felt
over her feelings, however conflicted she was at the moment, she knew
one thing for certain – now that Spike was hers, she was not ever going
to give him up.
She drew a deep breath to reply, then paused, letting it out slowly
before she admitted in a tone of defeat and uncertainty, "I have
absolutely no clue whatsoever."
Giles allowed himself a small, patient smile at her honesty. At least
it was a place to start. "As I suspected," he nodded slowly.
Deflated, unsure, and desperately in need of the wise counsel she had
so recklessly cast off before, Buffy sank down on the bench beside
Giles. "I don't know *what* to do," she went on in a small, anxious
voice. "I mean –he's a vampire, right? Soulless. Evil. Killer. Not
really changed, just – on a leash. So – it shouldn't really matter what
I do to him. That's what makes sense in my head, and what everybody
around me keeps saying. I mean, I used to stake vampires all the time,
so why should the whole slavery thing bother me?"
She paused for breath, meeting his eyes, her own troubled and
questioning as she added softly, "Why does the whole idea just make me
feel sick inside?"
There was mingled relief and sorrow in Giles' eyes at her words – mixed
with a little bit of guilt. "To be quite honest with you, Buffy, I
would be quite worried if it did not," he informed her. "And I must
tell you – I've a bit of a confession to make." He paused, seeming to
struggle to find the right words.
Buffy's eyes widened in curious surprise, wondering what could possibly
have caused the look of shame and regret in the older man's eyes.
Suddenly, she felt a sense of apprehension come over her, even as she
reassured him, "What, Giles? You haven't done anything."
A sad smile passed across his lips, and he shook his head slightly as
he raised his eyes to meet hers again. "No," he agreed. "Perhaps not.
Not intentionally, my dear. But over the course of the last few years,
I have come to believe that I have – I have failed you, Buffy. I have –
grievously misled you."
She was silent, just waiting for him to go on, an unsettled feeling in
the pit of her stomach. Everything about his tone, his eyes, the mood
that had suddenly settled over them, told her instinctively that
whatever he was about to say was going to be momentous, possibly
altering her entire worldview.
Overhead, a cloud slipped across the sun, dulling the brilliance of
Tara's garden that surrounded them, and setting a chill of foreboding
in Buffy's heart. She kept silent, determining just to let him speak
and tell her whatever it was he was trying so hard to tell her.
When Giles went on, his voice was quiet. "For as long as I was a member
of the Council, they always held the belief..."
"Wait," Buffy stopped him, her eyes widening in surprise and her
resolve forgotten instantly. "You *were* with the Council? As in you're
not anymore? You're not – not a Watcher anymore?" Her voice became more
timid, and a little frightened on the end of her question, and he knew
that what she meant was not "*a* Watcher" – but rather "*my* Watcher".
"Not -- *officially*, Buffy," he amended her words slightly, and there
was something reassuring in his voice. "But please do let me finish.
What I have to tell you is – really quite important."
She dutifully fell silent again, forcing herself to just sit back
against the bench and listen, though her entire body was tense with
anticipation.
"You see – around the time all of this was just beginning, right after
we defeated Adam," Giles went on. "I began to do further research into
the idea of whether or not a vampire could be – taught – to act
contrary to his nature, to act with a sense of morality, with any
consistency."
"Because of Spike," Buffy guessed, remembering. "and his chip."
"Precisely." Giles nodded. "The whole situation brought up a number of
questions for me regarding behavior and nature, and the importance of a
vampire's soul – or rather, lack thereof. I began to research the
matter in my personal time, but did not really get into it more
thoroughly until – well, until *all* my time became personal time."
Buffy dropped her gaze at the unintentional reminder of her dismissal
of him, grateful that he was at least attempting to handle the matter
gracefully. A veiled jibe here or there was really the least that she
deserved.
"I returned to England for a short time, and intensified my research as
Riley's organization began to become more powerful here in the states.
But as hard as I tried, I could find very little written or recorded in
regards to the nature of the soul – what it controls – the effects of
its loss. My questions were met with guarded, incomplete answers, and
little by little, I began to come to a conclusion that was deeply
troubling."
He paused, and Buffy frowned, a half-finished understanding beginning
in her mind. "What?" she pressed impatiently.
Giles took a deep breath before dropping the bomb. "We have no written
history -- no evidence -- no indications of any kind as to whether or
not an unsouled vampire might still retain some sort
of...emotions...conscience...some sense of right and wrong."
Buffy's mind went back to the time she had first dealt with Spike, and
his obvious love for Drusilla. The strong emotions he had clearly felt
back then had struck her hard then, placing the beginnings of the
questions her Watcher was talking about in her mind for the first time.
She looked back up at Giles, trying to focus on what he was saying.
"For as long as it has existed," Giles was continuing. "the Council has
purported the concept that all beings without souls are inherently evil
and must be destroyed – that encompasses all vampires, demons..."
"Anything non-human," Buffy interjected, a dark note in her voice
expressing her disapproval of that mind-set. And when, she suddenly
wondered with surprise, had she stopped agreeing with that mindset?
"Actually – yes," Giles admitted with a nod. "That is the ideology that
has governed the rules and training for the Slayer for as long as the
Watchers have guided the Slayers."
Buffy felt her whole world drop to the floor – with her stomach – at
the as-yet unspoken implications of his words. "And you're saying –
that's – not true?" she asked, her voice trembling and barely over a
whisper.
All the years she had spent slaying – taking out vampires and demons
simply because they *were* vampires and demons – and if there was a
chance that some of them she had slain had *not* been evil – the
thought made her world spin around her, made her question everything
that she believed in and thought that she was.
"I'm saying," Giles went on gently, meeting her eyes with a searching
look of concern, wanting her to take what he said as it was meant,
"that we've really no way of knowing for sure. The Council has no way
of conclusively proving or disproving their stance on the soul." He
paused, looking away, his eyes distant with recent memories.
"When I began to wonder about these things, naturally I began asking
questions, trying to find anyone who could disprove my suspicions. No
one knew any more than I did – or wouldn't say. The general advice I
received was more or less to just – shut up about it." His voice was
calm and even as he added, "Naturally – I didn't. Tensions began to
rise between me and certain influential members of the Council. Before
they could come to the inevitable conclusion that I had already reached
– that my ideals were no longer in agreement with theirs – I quit the
Council."
Buffy let out an involuntary gasp of shock at his words. She could not
imagine anything he could have said that would have stunned her more.
Giles smiled a little at her reaction. "I don't regret it. I'm quite
glad I did it, actually. I am only sorry, Buffy, that I followed their
rules and ideas as long as I did, and that I allowed you to be deceived
by them as well. I have come to the conclusion," he went on softly,
"that I can't possibly know if the Council is right or wrong on their
stand that vampires are utterly incapable of redemption. And if I can't
know for certain – I cannot in good conscience condone the mistreatment
of them – especially when they've been made helpless even to defend
their own lives."
"So – everything," Buffy whispered, shaking her head slightly, her eyes
wide as she took it all in. "the slaying – my *calling*..."
"No, Buffy," he stopped her gently, placing a steadying hand on her
arm. He could see that his revelation was having a greater impact on
her than he had anticipated, and it was worrying to him. "Your calling
comes from a power much higher than the Watcher's Council." He laughed
softly, but his eyes were solemn as they searched hers. "You are meant
– destined – to be the Slayer, Buffy – to stop the spread of evil
wherever you find it." He paused.
"Even if you find it in places you never expected to."
He looked down for a moment before going on. "In all my years as a
Watcher, Buffy, I have seen enough to know – the work you do as the
Slayer is good, and right – necessary. If left to their own devices,
the vampires would eventually create such a menace as to destroy the
world as we know it very quickly."
Buffy shook her head, still confused. "But if they can be redeemed, how
can I..."
"Buffy," Giles broke in, shaking his head, knowing exactly where she
was going with that, and wanting to head her off before she got there.
"To say that you should not slay dangerous vampires because they *may*
be redeemable – which is still unproven by the way, merely a theory of
mine – would be like saying that one should release Ted Bundy or
Charles Manson into the general public, on the slight chance that they
*might* reform. No, your duty as the Slayer is unchanged by any of
this."
He paused, all traces of his smile fading. "But it seems that your
husband has created an entirely new dilemma, Buffy – a species, or
race, or whatever you want to call it, that does not fall into either
of the realms that we are familiar with. The chipped vampires he has
created are helpless, no threat to anyone...and there is a strong
possibility, based on what I have observed, that they might become
useful members of society, with the proper guidance and control.
Therefore to enslave them, place them at the mercy of humans, seems..."
"Wrong," Buffy stated simply, firmly, leaving no doubt as to her
opinion on the matter. "It's always seemed wrong to me. I just couldn't
– couldn't make it make sense with what you'd always – what I'd always
been taught," she amended, looking away uncomfortably.
"Again, Buffy, I am truly sorry to have misled you. It was not my
intention." Giles' voice was soft, and he looked at the ground as well.
"But you are right. Slavery in any form is wrong. Yet, at the same time
– the vampires cannot be left to their own devices without any guidance
– not when we have no idea how much good or evil they may or may not be
actually capable of," he pointed out, his tone changing as he returned
to the topic at hand. "There is a lot of damage that they could do,
even without being capable of actual physical violence."
Buffy's mind went back to Spike's participation in Adam's plan, the way
he had so skillfully separated her from her friends, so long ago. She
nodded slowly, drawing a deep breath. Giles was right; Riley had
created a race that could not be truly independent in human society –
and yet should not be completely dominated either.
"Quite a mess Riley's made," she commented darkly.
"Indeed." Giles agreed with a heavy sigh. "But, the fact is – the mess
is made. And we now have to deal with it. That's what I'm working on,
Buffy – what I hope you'll help me with. A plan that would free the
chipped vampires from slavery, while incorporating a plan to train
them, prepare them, to eventually be integrated into society."
Buffy's eyes widened as she processed what he was saying – the concept
of a society with humans and chipped vampires living side by side. It
was a world that she never would have imagined could exist – but now
might be the best that they could do.
She looked up at her Watcher, her expression serious. "I want to know
more about it," she said softly. "This whole idea is very new to me –
but I trust you, Giles. I want you to tell me everything you're
planning – what I can do to help. I *want* to help."
Her voice was strong, decisive, as she met his gaze, and the Watcher
felt a great sense of relief. "Of course, Buffy. I'll fill you in on
everything. We'll have plenty of time now."
"Giles," Buffy went on after a moment. "I – I want you to know...I can't
– can't let Spike go. If I did – he'd just end up much worse off than
he is with me."
Giles nodded slowly, cautiously accepting her statement.
"But – but I want to help him. Not hurt him," she went on softly. She
paused, hesitating, before she admitted, "I *have* hurt him. I'll admit
that. He – he made me mad, and I hit him. More than once. But – but I'm
trying to change all that, Giles. I really am..."
"I know, Buffy," Giles spoke softly, encouragingly. "I know you are.
Years of training is not overcome overnight. You're the Slayer – it's
in your very nature to hurt him. I'll admit, that's why I was
immediately concerned to find that you owned a slave at all – much less
that it was Spike – and to see his manner with you, well – I suppose I
assumed the worst, Buffy."
She gave him a small, sad little smile. "You weren't too far off," she
reminded him quietly. Suddenly, she looked up, a puzzled, speculative
frown on her face. "Hey. That reminds me. What about the vampires here
with you? They're *your* slaves, aren't they? What's that about?"
Giles smiled, almost secretively, standing up from the bench. "As you
will soon see...they're only slaves in the most technical sense of the
word, Buffy. Shall we go back inside? I'd very much like you to meet
them."
Returning his smile, Buffy rose from the bench and followed her Watcher
back toward the house.