103. Decisions
The room fell
silent for a very long moment, as
each of the assembled group gradually took in the weight of Willow's
confession, with all of its troubling implications. Their reactions
varied in severity and true comprehension of what it was that she had
done, as each simply processed this new information and tried to decide
just what exactly it meant.
Xander was the first to break the silence.
"So – I'm really having a hard time seeing what's so terrible about
this," he admitted, his tone slightly challenging as he rose quickly to
his best friend's defense. "Yeah, the spell backfired and it affected
Buffy too, not just Spike – but it's broken now – right? And she was
only trying to help...It's no big deal, really..."
"I was, Buffy," Willow hurriedly agreed, a desperate plea in her eyes
as she sought her friend's face for the forgiveness and understanding
she craved. "I was only trying to help – I know I messed up, but..."
"No big *deal*?" Buffy cut her off incredulously, still focused on
Xander's words, her eyes narrowed and blazing with disbelieving fury.
"My entire family was nearly murdered – by *me*! This thing got
completely out of control, and it nearly destroyed everything and
everyone that means anything to me – and you have the *gall* to say it
was 'no big deal'?"
"Buffy – that's not really – what I meant..." Xander mumbled, his eyes
downcast, suddenly painfully aware of how clumsy and insensitive his
choice of words had been. "I'm just saying – Willow's your friend...and
even if what she did had bad results, her *intentions* were good...so I
just don't think it's the smartest thing in the world to take *Spike's*
side over..."
"You are the one who is making this about sides, Xander."
Buffy's voice was quiet, still and calm, as she interrupted him again
with a tone of quiet authority. "I didn't say anything about taking
sides. We've all made some terrible mistakes over the past few days –
and I have to point out that Spike's have been the least of them. But
the situation is what it is, now – and there's no way to change it. I
don't particularly *want* to change it. So if any of you can't deal
with that – let me know now. So I can adjust to the fact that you will
no longer be a part of my life."
Her stunning words, spoken so clearly and calmly, without hesitation,
once again stilled the protests rising to the lips of her friends.
Finally, Giles dared to speak, his own voice soft and cautious. "In
your understanding, Buffy – what exactly *is* the – the 'situation'
that you are so reluctant to change? Because – I am certain that you
surely cannot be referring to – to the trauma and suffering of the past
few days."
Buffy was silent for a moment, her eyes downcast as she tried to gather
her thoughts. "No," she agreed softly, shaking her head. "I'm not."
She hesitated, taking a deep breath as she tried to find the words to
explain exactly what she was talking about. It was simple, really –
just a matter of speaking the words to her Watcher, her friends, and
revealing to them the feelings that were now so very clear to her – and
to her mate.
Actually – she was amazed at how easy it seemed, now.
After a moment she looked up to meet her Watcher's eyes, determined and
unyielding as she replied.
"Spike is my mate. There's an eternal blood bond between us – and I
don't want it broken." She paused, allowing her friends mere moments to
take in that bombshell before she went on, "He's – a part of this
family now," she said softly, glancing behind and beside her at her
mother and sister, as they moved in instinctively nearer to her and her
mate, offering their silent support. "In human terms – you might say
that we're married...and there's no possibility of divorce..."
Xander's eyes lit up momentarily with a malicious hope, and he opened
his mouth to make a suggestion – but was immediately cut off again by
his friend.
"...and if any one of you even suggests killing him again – you've just
told me very clearly whether or not you want to continue to be a part
of my life."
Xander's eyes widened in shock, but his lips quickly shut again, as he
stared at her, reluctantly listening in silence as she went on.
"This whole idea was a bad one from the start. Spike couldn't have hurt
anyone. The chip kept him from doing that – so it was just – cruel, and
unnecessary, and just plain *wrong* to try and – and turn him into a
*slave*..."
"Buffy, that was never my intention at all..." Giles interrupted, shaking
his head, his eyes widened in dismay at her words.
"Then just what exactly *was* your intention, Giles?" she demanded, her
voice trembling slightly with a mixture of anger and remorse, as she
thought again of what they had tried to do to the blonde vampire. "To
take his free will, and make it so that he could only do what I
*allowed* him to do? To make him even more helpless than he had been
before? What would you call it?"
For all his knowledge and study – the Watcher had no answer.
So the Slayer continued, unhindered. "But – it's not completely your
fault," she conceded softly. "I agreed to it. No – I *wanted* to do
it," she admitted, her voice softening with her guilt. "I – I liked the
idea. So – I went into it, unprepared and not really having a clue what
I was getting into. A dominance claim would have been bad enough – but
with the changes you made to the spell, Willow – you placed us all in
greater danger."
"I'm sorry," the little redhead whispered miserably, unable to meet her
friend's eyes.
For the moment, Buffy ignored her. She was not particularly concerned
at the moment with whether or not her friend felt remorse for her
foolish actions. Those actions had been done, regardless – and right
now, all she was worried about was the results.
"So – the spell affected both of us – me and Spike...it turned off his
chip, giving him his power back – and it released the Slayer – who
later tried to kill me..."
"But – the spell's broken now," Anya ventured hopefully, flinching
slightly as she met Buffy's eyes, as if expecting a biting reproof, or
worse, for interrupting the Slayer's tirade. "So – so *all* of its
effects should be over and done with – right? The Slayer's bound and
obviously *not* trying to kill you anymore – and the chip's up and
functioning again, so...no more danger – right?"
At the dubious look Buffy gave her, the former vengeance demon hastened
to clarify her words emphatically, "But still lots and lots of blame
and – and condemnation and fault...we're all very guilty and deserving of
vengeance, it's by no means all right – but – no one's – in danger of
getting killed – or – or slain – right?"
Buffy had to suppress a small smile that actually rose to her lips at
the girl's attempts to show beyond all doubt that she acknowledged the
fact that the mistakes that had been made were by no means "no big
deal" – she just wanted to make sure that they were out of the woods as
far as any further magical consequences of Willow's botched spell.
But Buffy was really not so sure of that, either – all things
considered.
"Yeah – see...there's the thing..." Spike began slowly and quietly,
standing up behind Buffy and moving closer to her protectively, as if
to shield her from her friends' reactions to the revelation he was
about to make.
"Spike..."
"They've gotta know eventually, pet," he reminded her as she turned to
face him with troubled eyes. "How long you planning on keeping it a
bloody secret?" A soft little half-smile crossed his face as he gazed
at her affectionately, before adding with a little smirk, "Besides –
not sure how long I'm gonna be able to keep from smacking the Whelp
around a bit – so you might wanna give the boy fair warning, yeah?"
Buffy's anxious expression was broken momentarily by a reluctant smile
of amusement at his words, though it quickly faded, swallowed up in
fear for him. She had absolutely no intention of allowing anyone to
harm him, and she knew that now he was more than capable of defending
himself – but still, she dreaded to think of how her friends would
react to the news that Spike was no longer controllable, by the claim
*or* the chip.
He turned abruptly to face her friends, when he realized that she was
not going to be able to bring herself to make the announcement.
"Right, then – here it is..." he began resolutely, drawing in a deep
breath before blurting out, "The chip's no longer functional. The spell
is broken that was meant to free me from the chip – but it's still not
working. So – apparently something *else* didn't quite go as planned
with Red's mojo there."
The alarmed murmur of several voices rising at once followed a moment
of stunned silence at his announcement, as each of the Scoobies seemed
to instinctively move backward, away from the vampire.
"But – the bond *is* still in place – correct?" Giles guessed
cautiously, his eyes intent and questioning on his Slayer's face. "The
original wording of the spell said that the warrior's power would be
freed, until the warrior was bound again by some other bond..."
"So – Spike's chip should have started working again once Buffy claimed
him," Willow broke in, thinking aloud as she tried to process what had
happened. "Except – it didn't. But – if the bond is still in place –
then it's not a problem, right?"
"How did you bind *Buffy's* power?" Anya's quiet, tentative voice
somehow pierced the din of the mingled voices of the others, and they
quieted as the question reverberated in their minds. "The Slayer
demon...what was the bond that brought her under control?"
Spike's lips formed a little grimace as he readied himself to answer
this second question of the hour – one that he knew would meet with
even less approval from the Scoobies than the revelation about his
non-functioning chip.
Buffy's gentle hand on his arm stopped him before he could begin, as
she met his eyes and shook her head slightly, with a rueful smile.
*I've got this one, Sweetheart,* she assured him. *Let me tell them.*
He searched her eyes for a moment, to convince himself that she was
really prepared to do it – and then nodded slowly, stepping back as she
stepped forward, facing her friends boldly.
"The -- the mating claim," she replied, the look in her eyes as she
scanned the room, meeting each of their eyes in turn, daring any of
them to protest. "Between me and Spike. I – I allowed Spike to return
my claim – and – and equalize it. So – I'm every bit as bound by the
claim as he is now. It was the only way to – to make him free to fight
the Slayer, and complete the dominance ritual, and bring her back under
control. That's what we did. Once the mating claim was completed, she
took over again – Spike fought her – and forced her to submit to the
dominance claim. So – she disappeared...but...Spike's chip didn't turn back
on."
Giles' face grew increasingly pale as she went on, his eyes widening in
alarm. He was the only one of the group, with the exception of Anya –
who really saw no problem with the way things had turned out in the end
– who had any understanding at all of vampire claims and their effects.
"So – what you're telling us is – Spike is no longer bound – by the
claim *or* by the chip."
"Give the berk a biscuit," Spike muttered, turning away slightly,
shaking his head in disgust.
No matter how badly he wanted to tear the lot of them to bits – as long
as he was mated to Buffy, her friends were in no danger from him. And
still, all they could focus on was the fact that he was no longer on a
soddin' leash – never mind the fact that there was apparently *still*
something not quite right with the spell Red had cast.
"That's right," Buffy replied, her tone firm and a bit defiant, as she
crossed her arms over her chest, holding her Watcher's gaze. "And it's
going to stay that way."
"Buffy – you can't mean to tell me that the fact that a master vampire
– a renowned killer of your kind, no less – is free and mated to you –
and that fact poses no problem for you? Doesn't bother you in the
slightest?" Giles' tone was incredulous, and more than a little angry,
when she stubbornly refused to respond, the look in her eyes telling
him clearly that his words were correct. "Are you bloody daft, girl? To
think for a single moment that..."
Spike immediately turned to face him again, advancing a few steps
without thinking about it, pointing an accusing finger at the Watcher.
"Hey! Don't bloody well speak to her like that, you..."
"One more step in this direction..." Giles cut him off coldly, his hand
hovering near his pocket, where there was no doubt a stake secreted
away for emergencies.
"If you touch that stake, Giles," Buffy interrupted softly, without
moving from where she stood. "I'm gonna have to do something I'd really
regret – but I *won't* let you hurt him." She paused, smiling softly,
though her eyes were serious. "And I have a feeling, neither will he."
"Buffy," the Watcher's voice was imploring now, softened with his
concern for the girl, though his eyes stayed fastened warily on the
vampire facing him. "Think of your mother – your *sister*..."
"I am thinking of them, Giles," Buffy replied. "And I'm thinking that
if it wasn't for Spike – I'd have killed them both." The quiet, intense
ache in her voice was enough to sober and silence the group, who stood
waiting as she went on. "I *wanted* to kill them – because they were
standing between me and Spike. And he had to know – he knew that it was
in his best interest to let me do what I wanted – that standing up to
me – was only gonna get him hurt."
The Slayer swallowed back a sob, lowering her eyes for a moment, and
when she looked back up at her Watcher, her face was tear-streaked.
"But he stood up to me – he stood between me and my mother, and – and
placed himself in danger in her place – put himself in a position so
I'd hurt him instead of her. And – and I *did* hurt him..."
Her voice was barely over a whisper now, as she concluded softly, but
with a firm conviction in her voice, "So don't try to tell me that my
family is in any danger from Spike. He's the only reason they're alive
right now. And if anyone thinks for one *second* that I would allow
them to hurt him, after what he did for me and my family – they're in
for a very unpleasant surprise."
"Buffy," Xander spoke up quietly, his voice trembling, pleading, his
eyes wide and disbelieving as he took a step toward her. "Think about
what you're doing here. This is a very important decision you're
making...you can't just..."
"No. I *can*," Buffy corrected him firmly, her eyes blazing with
authority as she turned to face him. "I've made my decision, Xander. I
thought I was making that very clear." She paused, her arresting gaze
sweeping the room once more, before addressing them all in a voice of
soft certainty, "The only decision left to be made at this point – is
yours."