As he was dragged
helplessly down the basement stairs by the determined Slayer, Spike
tried to think of the words to salvage this situation before he ended
up dust.
"Now look, Slayer," he began, speaking rapidly. "You walked in on the
tail end of that little scene, and there was an awful lot you missed!
You've no idea what that filthy wanker did to Diana in that room before
sh – we – did what we did." He corrected himself at the last second.
Diana had really been the one to actually kill Riley, but it would not
do to let the Slayer know that. Though her emotional connection to him
was precarious at best at the moment, she had none whatsoever to Diana,
and he could easily see her thinking the easiest solution to be simply
staking his childe, leaving her new lover free and clear.
They had reached the bottom of the stairs and his words were cut off as
Buffy released him suddenly, slinging him back against the wall, hard,
advancing quickly to stand right in his face, giving him no room to
move away. "I don't care what he did, no one deserves to die like
*that*!" she spat the words out at him, glaring into his sapphire eyes
with her own blazing green ones.
Hearing the Slayer defending Finn, after the night of horror he and his
childe had spent at the hands of the sadistic monster, infuriated
Spike. "Really," he snarled. "Well let's hear you say that if it was
*you* he took, *murdered* and turned, and then raped and tortured
*every night* for eight soddin' months, with you helpless to so much as
push the bloody sadist away from you! See what *you'd* do if you could
suddenly fight back!"
Buffy was silent for a moment, taking in his words, before she edged
even closer and replied coldly, eyes narrowed in fury, "I'm not blaming
*her*, Spike."
"So it's all *my* fault, then, is it?" His eyes widened with the
realization, and he was surprised at how much it actually hurt.
Buffy shrugged casually, but her eyes were full of rage. "You're her
sire, right? I don't know that much about vampire relationships and all
that, but I know that she sure listens to everything you say. You could
have stopped her, Spike."
A furious expression to match hers coming over his face, he threw back,
"All right, then. Different scenario. What if it wasn't you? What if it
was Dawn? Or your mum? What would you do to the monster that did that
to them? What would you do then, Slayer?" His tone was an accusation
and a demand.
The words were like a blow to her, and she could not help but at least
partially see his point. If someone did that to Dawn or her mother, she
would track them down, to the ends of the earth, and make them pay for
it.
Still, she shook her head, looking away from him for a moment, taking a
step back. "Not like that," she insisted. "Not – not torn to pieces
like that..."
"And how else would you suggest then?" he asked, his voice softer now.
"Not exactly like we had a wide range of weapons at our disposal, is
it, Slayer? Diana's only defenses are the ones *they* gave her when
they turned her."
"You keep saying that," she said, looking back at him with a hard
expression. "As I recall it was *you* that turned her."
"Because they made me!" He nearly exploded; she was being so bloody
unreasonable!
"Oh, and you hated every moment didn't you?" she snarled back
sarcastically, and he could see the loathing in her eyes, the disgust
for not only what he had done, but what he *was*.
And suddenly he understood.
"Oh, so this isn't just about what happened to Finn, is it, love?" he
said, realization dawning in his eyes. "You're facing up to just
exactly what it is *you've* done...being with me. Well, newsflash, pet!
I'm a bloody *vampire*! Okay? Never gonna be anything else until I'm
dust!" He paused, realizing that the mention of dusting was probably
not wise at this moment. No good to remind her of the ideas she was
probably already seriously considering.
The flash of fury in her eyes showed him that his comment had hit home
at least a little. "This is *not* about you and me, Spike! This is
about Riley and what happened to him in that room!"
"What about what happened to *Diana* in that room?" he demanded, his
voice trembling slightly as his own anger rose. "Have you even stopped
to consider what she was even *doing* there? What she and your dear
sainted Captain Wanker were even *doing* in *my* suite at bloody
midnight, Slayer? No, you were too busy climbing on your moral high
horse to even listen to a bloody explanation!"
Buffy was silent, and a little of the anger left her eyes, replaced by
uncertainty. After a long moment, holding his gaze with a determined
air, as if preparing herself for the worst, she said quietly, "Why were
they there, Spike? Tell me. Explain."
An immense sense of relief filling him, he took a deep breath, then
released it slowly. He paused, choosing his words carefully, before he
responded. "The good lieutenant decided that Diana and I were not aware
enough of our own bloody helplessness for his liking. Decided to do
something about it." He stopped, not sure how to tell her the rest,
suddenly extremely uncomfortable.
"What did he do?" she pressed, her voice soft now, her eyes wide and
almost panicked. She instinctively knew that what she was about to hear
would not be easy.
Spike struggled with the words, looking away, not meeting her eyes, as
he went on. "He hurt her. Raped her. Again and again. Every way you can
imagine, and a few you probably can't. All night."
The thought of Riley doing those things sickened her again, as it had
the first time she had heard it. She wanted to flee, escape up the
stairs, so she wouldn't have to face the reality of the situation – of
who the monster of this particular tale really was. But there was still
more that she had to know.
"Why in your room?" she asked, her voice expressionless, her eyes still
on his face.
Spike swallowed hard, his head lowered a bit. His voice was quieter
when he finally replied, "Wanted me to see it. To know...to know there
was nothing I could do about it."
The anguish, the misplaced guilt in his voice, not over killing Riley,
but over allowing Diana to be hurt, tore at her heart. At that moment
she found herself wanting to comfort him. She forced herself to
remember the image seared in her mind of Riley's torn, bloodied body in
Spike's suite. And at the edges of the memory, a small detail emerged.
Her eyes widened in horrified realization.
"The handcuffs," she whispered. She recalled seeing them, lying
discarded on the floor near Riley's body. At the time it hadn't
occurred to her to wonder why they were there. "He chained you up and
made you watch." There was a rising horror in her eyes at the
realization of just how far Riley's cruelty had gone.
Spike nodded silently, his eyes on the floor.
Buffy's eyes welled with tears at the thought of what he and his childe
had gone through – and at the hands of a man she had once cared for, if
not really loved. Though she felt like she had heard all she could
stand to, there was still more that she needed to know.
"And this?" she said, reaching to gently touch the mark on his face. He
flinched away, uncomfortable with her touch. "Diana has them too. What
did he do?"
"Riding crop," he answered simply. "Clever one, he was," he went on
with a bitter smile. "Knew the best way to get her to cooperate was to
threaten me...and vice versa. If one of us didn't do as he said,
he'd...he'd hit the other." His voice was halting, and Buffy knew that
the memory was painful. In spite of everything, at that moment all she
wanted was to reach out to him.
She reached gently toward his face again, seeking his eyes. "Looks like
you were a little more cooperative than she was," she said softly, her
voice low and grim, and for a moment Spike thought that Riley might
actually have been lucky to have died by *Diana's* hand and not
Buffy's. "She wasn't hurt nearly this bad."
Spike shrugged. "Not her fault. She did as he told her...like she always
does...did," he corrected himself, allowing himself a small smile of hard
satisfaction. His childe would never be abused by Riley Finn again.
"No, this," he gestured toward his wounds with an upward wave of his
hand. "This was personal. Thought he'd take the opportunity to work out
a bit of his pent up aggressions."
Buffy swallowed hard, fighting down the feelings of rage toward Riley
that were rising in her. It was not right that she should feel this
way, she thought. How had Spike managed to do that to her? To turn her
feelings around? Riley had been brutally murdered by the two vampires.
She was the vampire *slayer*. Shouldn't her anger be directed at Spike
and Diana?
But she thought of all he had just told her, and knew in her heart that
she could not honestly say what she would have done if in his position,
or Diana's for that matter. She knew that her actions would have been
governed not by her sense of right and wrong, but by her emotions.
And Spike and Diana did not really *have* a sense of right and wrong to
go by. They were soulless vampires, which meant not having to deal with
things like guilt, and right and wrong. That was what she had been
taught from the moment she had been chosen. She knew deep down that it
was not really fair to expect any different of them. No matter how
their actions disgusted her, she should not have expected that they
would have done anything differently. If a human in that situation
would likely react in violence, how could she expect a vampire to show
any greater strength of morality?
"I understand why you did it, Spike," she said softly, and he looked up
at her, startled. He kept his silence, waiting cautiously to hear what
she would say next. "I can't even imagine going through what you and
Diana went through before you...before it happened. What Riley did to you
both was disgusting and inhuman and...and he probably deserved to die for
it." She paused, and he knew that the "but" part of her statement was
coming.
"But that doesn't make it all right," she said sadly, shaking her head.
After another pause, she hesitantly managed to get out, "I trusted you,
Spike. I told you how worried I was about the chips going down, about
putting people in danger. And you helped me find the way to do
it...without anyone getting hurt, remember? That's how it was supposed to
be."
"But Finn came in there unexpected!" he broke in, frowning, shaking his
head. "We couldn't have done anything about that! We didn't plan on
anyone getting hurt, love."
"I know." Buffy's voice was sad, and unexpectedly gentle. "The truth
is...you can't help it, Spike. It's just your nature. Put a vampire...any
vampire...in a situation like that, and that's what's gonna happen. I'm
the Slayer. I should have known better."
He looked up at her sharply, finally meeting her eyes, and the hurt she
saw there was painful to her as well. Stepping toward her, putting his
hands gently on her arms, he said softly, "I didn't think I was 'just
any vampire'. Not to you, love."
Still meeting his gaze, she pulled firmly away from him, taking a step
back. "No," she said, shaking her head slowly. "You weren't. But that
was my mistake."
The words hurt him like a physical blow, and he flinched. "Buffy," he
whispered, not knowing what to say.
She looked away, unable to stand the pain in his eyes. She turned to go
upstairs. "Come upstairs and take a shower whenever you're ready. I'm
sure you want to get cleaned up. You've been through an awful lot. Let
me know if you need anything. There's blood in the refrigerator and
bandages and stuff in the bathroom." Her voice was compassionate, but
still so sad and defeated, and her words effectively closed the subject
for discussion. "I'll bring down some blankets and stuff for you to
sleep with in a little while. The three of you will sleep down here."
He didn't know what to say, so for once he said nothing, just stood
there and watched her go.
She paused halfway up the stairs, turning, facing him but not meeting
his eyes as she added, "What happened wasn't your fault. It was mine.
It was a mistake to let the chips be shut down...and it won't happen
again." She looked him in the eye, her expression sorrowful, but
determined, as she finished, "If it does...we both know...I'll do what I
have to do."
And with that painful promise, she turned and walked away from him.