Summary:
AU beginning during the months between Seasons 5 and 6. Tara is just
your typical college student at UC Sunnydale. Or at least, she’s trying
hard to be…until a series of strange dreams of a mysterious, suffering
stranger begin to haunt her nights. When this stranger unexpectedly
crosses her path, he will draw her down a road she never expected,
toward a love and a future she never thought she’d find.
Notes:
This story will span the course of a very AU Season 6, as Tara
gradually uncovers the secrets of Spike’s tormented past amidst events
very different from canon Season 6. At the beginning of this story,
Tara has not met Willow or the rest of the Scoobies, and though it has
been several months since Buffy’s death, the Scoobies have not yet
planned to raise the Slayer from the dead. Also, for the purposes of
this story and the ‘ship it involves, Tara is heterosexual. J
Tara gasped softly, as the vampire's
single remaining eyelid fluttered open...and she caught her first
glimpse of what his face might have looked like, had it not been so
brutally damaged. The surface of the eye was milky, nearly opaque, but
beneath its surface, Tara caught a trace of brilliant blue.
She
found herself wondering what might have caused such extensive damage,
and if the eye she was looking at had been damaged in a different way
than the other, or was perhaps simply growing back, while the other had
not been allowed to. Despite the damage, the expression of mingled fear
and confusion and elated hope was still evident in the vampire's
wide-eyed stare.
For the first time since bringing him into
her home, Tara noticed the vampire's features, no longer caked with
blood and filth, and she realized, startled - he was absolutely
stunning. Fine, high cheekbones stood out, made more prominent by his
current state of starvation, but still undeniably beautiful, over full,
flawlessly formed lips that trembled slightly with anticipation.
Despite the damage, his one intact eye shone with wonder and excitement
at the prospect that he might actually be able to see.
It was
that trace of hope, accompanied by the slightest upward turn of his
full lips, that most completely captured Tara's attention.
"Can you...can you see?" she asked him, her voice hushed with
anticipation.
The
vampire just blinked slowly, his head turning slightly as he looked
around at the room, but didn't quite focus on anything. Cautiously,
Tara raised a hand in front of his face, moving it back and forth
slowly, watching his face for any sign of recognition. Immediately he
flinched back, bowing his head instinctively as if to avoid accidental
eye contact as her hand passed in front of his face, though she was
careful to keep her hand a couple of feet away from him.
"It's okay," she assured him. "It's just me...just m-my hand. D-did you
see it? Can you see my hand?"
The
vampire seemed somewhat reassured, the tension in his shoulders easing
a little as he returned to his original position. He held his head
higher than Tara had seen it yet, clearly encouraged, and Tara was
already certain of the answer he would give her. However, a moment
later his shoulders slumped in disappointment as he registered her
question, and he shook his head slowly, a barely audible sigh escaping
his lips.
Tara frowned, puzzled.
If he didn't see it...then...why...?
"Did you see...anything?" Tara clarified.
"Movement...light...anything at all?"
The
vampire seemed to perk up again a bit at that, nodding almost eagerly,
and Tara's heart broke again with the understanding that his negative
reaction had not been to the rather limited results of the cleaning,
but rather to the idea of disappointing her.
"That's good,"
she assured him gently, reaching out to take his cool hand in a
supportive gesture. "That's really good. It's a good start. And...and
it'll only get better, Sweetie. Okay? It's gonna get better, and
eventually you'll be able to see again just fine."
*************************************
The
vampire listened to Tara's words of hope and encouragement, his damaged
heart soaring with the slight victory she had just achieved for him.
The generous amounts of human blood he had received over the past
couple days had been working on his broken body; and whereas before he
had been able to see nothing, now he could make out just the slightest
hints of light and shadow through his one existing eye.
When
he had struggled to open it, he had been amazed at the soft light that
met his vision, instead of the thick darkness that had shrouded his
world for so long. There were no solid shapes, just a vague blurring of
various shades of gray. Then, Tara had waved her hand in front of his
face - though he had not known at the moment that was what it was. All
he saw was a sudden darkening in front of his eyes, and the thought of
losing what slight vision he had just regained was terrifying to him.
Once she explained, however, it only strengthened his hope, when he
realized that what he had seen was motion. She had
moved...and he had seen it. He had really seen it.
He could see.
His
throat constricted, and he felt a hard knot in his chest as he fought
back his tears, well aware that allowing them to fall would only lead
to punishment. He wasn't allowed to cry...he didn't have the right...
No...don't...don't think that...don't go back there...
His
mind raced with a thousand conflicting thoughts, as Tara gently wound
more soft bandages around the raw, sightless socket, leaving his
healing eye exposed so as not to obstruct what little vision he had.
And for the first time since he had come here, he did not think to
wonder about her motives for touching him. After all, she had done
nothing but help him thus far, undoing some of the damage that had been
done to him in that place.
Maybe you're still there. Maybe
this is all a trick...some elaborate experiment of *theirs*...or a
trap, to break you down again. And it's already worked; you're already
*hoping*. Any minute now, they'll come to take you back, to take your
sight again, to put the collar back...
The very thought
made him sick with terror, and he fought back a fresh tremor of fear
and a wave of nausea as Tara finished bandaging his face and sat back
on her knees in front of him. She was talking to him, had been the
entire time, in her continued effort to keep him calm and aware of her
every move...but at the moment, he was not hearing her. His mind was
consumed with his own private hell of tormenting, circling fears.
Don't let me be there...please! Please, no! No!
He
so desperately wanted to hold onto the hope, the comfort that Tara had
given him...but the very thought terrified him. So many times he had
been offered escape from his torment, only to have it cruelly snatched
away at the last possible moment. It was a game he had been forced to
play many times before, but he did not think he could stand to play it
again...not now, after it had begun to seem so real to him.
Maybe
you're really *not* there anymore. Maybe this really is *her* place,
and you really are safe like she says...but...why would she want to
help you? She's so good and kind and gentle...why would she care to
offer comfort to a low, vile thing like you?
His
traitorous thoughts were cut off abruptly when he felt the warm, damp
cloth Tara had been using against his hip, shifting cautiously inward
toward his battered groin. Tara had warned him - of course she had -
but he had not been listening to her, and the unexpected touch caught
him off guard. His heart lurched with panic as he realized just how
thoroughly she intended to clean him, and it occurred to him that
eventually, she was going to find the evidence of what had been done to
him.
She'll see what you are...how they've used
you...dirty, filthy, defiled thing...and when she sees, she'll cast you
out in disgust...
Can't let her see...can't let her find out...please, please don't look
at me!
*************************************
Wanting
to get through the worst of the injuries first, Tara reluctantly
decided to clean the vampire's battered groin next. That was, of
course...if she could convince him to let her. She kept her voice low
and soft as she carefully explained to him what she was going to do.
She was surprised when he showed very little reaction - no protest, not
even the slightest flinch.
But when she moved to actually touch him, however...it was quite a
different story.
The
moment the cloth brushed against his bruised hip, the vampire jerked
backward against the sofa, shaking his head in pleading denial.
Although he had hardly dared to pull away from her since she had
brought him here, he shifted, turning his body slightly away from her,
his one good arm moving to cover himself, to prevent her from taking
her efforts any farther.
It was possibly the most resistance
he had dared to show her yet, and Tara could not bring herself to deny
it to him, especially in so personal a matter.
She frowned
with concern at his frightened demeanor, admittedly surprised after the
progress they seemed to have made thus far. Her eyes widened with
understanding, however, and then welled with tears, as she took in his
bowed head, his slumped shoulders, and the general air of shame that
surrounded him. She recognized his reaction, and suddenly knew that
there was no way she could push him on this matter.
"It's
okay," she whispered, wondering even as she spoke how she was going to
manage to both keep her promise and tend to his wounds. "It's all
right...I'm not going to touch you there if you don't want me to,
Sweetheart...I promise..."
He was trembling violently, but he did not pull away as she reached out
a gentle hand to rest on his leg, just above his knee.
"I'm
not going to do anything to hurt you," she assured him softly, her brow
furrowed with worry as she tried to figure out what to do. "And I'm
n-not going to do anything that you're not c-comfortable with. It's
just... well, we've got a b-bit of a problem." She hesitated a moment,
before cautiously attempting to explain.
"Y-you're hurt. And...and I want to h-help you. It's just...I can't if
you...if you won't let me touch you..."
To
her dismay, at the very suggestion of her words, the vampire tensed,
drawing back against the sofa and shaking his head again.
"Okay...okay," she relented softly. "Just relax, Sweetie...I'm not
gonna touch you..."
She
fell silent for a few moments, her mind desperately seeking a solution
to their predicament that would get him properly taken care of, while
preserving what remaining shreds of dignity he had left to him.
There *is* a way...you know there is.
Tara
tried to put the quiet voice of her thoughts - which sounded very much
like her mother's - out of her mind, but found that the more she
thought about it, the more it seemed like the only option.
I said I wasn't going to do that anymore. If I do, it can only lead
to bad things.
Despite her doubts, the tiny voice like her mother's was insistent.
You were going to do it for Dawn...and this is so much more
important. He needs this so much more...
Even
as she struggled to quell the idea forming in her mind, Tara already
knew that she had made her decision. She let out a weary sigh of
resignation, her shoulders slumping slightly as she looked up at the
vampire again, who had gone very still, just sitting there, waiting in
silent apprehension for her next move.
"Okay," she quietly
spoke at last. "I...I have an idea. But...but it's up to y-you, okay? I
w-won't do anything you don't want me to do. Do you understand?"
He hesitated a moment, but then gave a slow, uneven nod.
"Th-there's this... spell... that might help. I...I know magic. Y-you
know about magic...right?"
The
vampire nodded again, though his apprehension seemed to increase with
her words, as he drew back slightly further away from her, a
convulsive, painful swallow visible in his throat.
"It's
nothing b-big, I p-promise. It's just a...a healing spell my m-mother
taught me. I-if you'll let me...I th-think it'll help you..."
He
shook his head rapidly, frantically, his head still bowed, his arm
still protecting his most vulnerable parts as he huddled away from her.
"Please," Tara whispered earnestly, her heart sinking with the
fear that she might not be able to find a way to help him, not without
shattering what fragile trust she had managed to earn thus far. "We
can't j-just leave your...your injuries. They have to be taken care of.
If...if I use the spell, I don't have to...t-touch you. Do you
understand? It's a v-very simple spell. It doesn't hurt...and you won't
even feel it, Sweetie, I promise."
She paused, trying to gauge
how the vampire was taking her words. He seemed to be listening to her,
but made no move to indicate agreement or disagreement.
"It sort of puts you into a t-trance, beforehand. And then...it
sh-should heal a-all of your injuries. Or at least...help
them to heal...at least a little. Make them b-better...than they are
now. It'll be like you're...asleep. That's all. You won't even feel it.
And when it's over...you'll wake up. It won't hurt, and I'll never have
to touch you...th-there."
When the vampire still showed no signs of a decision, she pressed
gently, her voice trembling with tears. "Please. Please...let
me help you."
********************************
His heart was heavy with dread at her words. Neither suggestion sounded
like a good one to him.
He
could not stand the thought of the pure, sweet girl who had helped him
so much thus far coming into contact with the filth of what he had
become...the reality of what his captors had done to him. He was
certain that regardless of where he was or what was planned for him,
when Tara saw how he had been degraded and defiled, she would certainly
not want him in her home any longer.
But...magic...
Magic seldom went right, in his experience.
But
Tara had not done a thing to hurt him, not yet. She seemed to know what
she was doing, and he could smell the power she possessed, could sense
it all around her. He knew she was capable of doing the spell. Even the
things she had done that he had expected to hurt him, and only
submitted to because he felt he had no choice, had ended up being for
his good. And...she promised that it was a simple spell...that he
wouldn't even feel it.
She could do anything while you're
passed out...she could hurt you...violate you...call *them* back to do
it all themselves...to take you back, away from her, away from the
warmth and safety and fullness and comfort...
But...if you don't let her...she may cast you out anyway...
The healing spell seemed the lesser of two evils, given his
circumstances.
But...she hasn't hurt you...she wouldn't...would she?
Please...please don't...
"Wh-when it's over...maybe you'll be able to...w-walk again.
Please...let me try..."
Those
words were a further enticement to submit to the performance of the
spell. Everything Tara had promised him thus far had come to pass.
Perhaps...if he took a chance and allowed her to work her magic...
Besides...not
as if you've got a choice, *really*. They'll do what they want with you
in the end; better to let Tara try to help now...
His
decision made, but by no means certain, the vampire drew in a deep
shaky breath, and finally ventured a slow, cautious nod of assent.