Summary: AU beginning during the months between Seasons 5 and 6. Tara is just your typical college student at UC Sunnydale. Or at least, she’s trying hard to be…until a series of strange dreams of a mysterious, suffering stranger begin to haunt her nights. When this stranger unexpectedly crosses her path, he will draw her down a road she never expected, toward a love and a future she never thought she’d find.

 

Notes: This story will span the course of a very AU Season 6, as Tara gradually uncovers the secrets of Spike’s tormented past amidst events very different from canon Season 6. At the beginning of this story, Tara has not met Willow or the rest of the Scoobies, and though it has been several months since Buffy’s death, the Scoobies have not yet planned to raise the Slayer from the dead. Also, for the purposes of this story and the ‘ship it involves, Tara is heterosexual. J




Akathisia: Son of Grace

by DreamsofSpike

Tara was stunned by the simple act of compassion from a creature far too broken and in need of comfort from *her*. It was just a simple touch, but it was very important. It told Tara that whoever he was, he was still there, had not lost his mind completely from the mind-numbing amount of suffering he had endured. He was still capable of emotions such as compassion and empathy, not simply the basic fight or flight type responses she had observed so far.

He was there, and listening, and reaching out to her as best he could – and she was the only one who could help to take his suffering away.

Tara noticed with dismay how very weak and cold his hand felt over hers, trembling slightly and just barely daring to touch her, as if he expected to be punished at any moment for presuming to touch her. She looked down at the pale skin, frowning in concern at the sight of the abraded knuckles, his delicate wrist, bruised and raw and red from struggling against bonds that had held him down and forced him to submit to terrors she would rather not try to imagine.

She had to focus on easing his pain.

Straightening up, sniffling back the last of her tears, she carefully turned her hand under his. He jerked as if to pull it back, but she closed her warm hand around his, holding it gently in place. He froze for a moment, before just barely relaxing a bit, allowing her to hold his hand as he waited for her next move.

“I’m all right,” she assured him in a hoarse whisper. “I’m okay. It’s just…I’m so sorry this happened to you. Listen, there’s…there’s something…in your neck, Sweetheart. Do you…do you know that?”

Hesitantly, barely moving at all, the vampire gave her a very slight nod, his head turned away, his shaking intensifying.

“It’s all right. I just…want to take it out. So you can breathe again…so you can…eat. B-but…it’s gonna hurt,” Tara warned him apologetically. “Bad. I…don’t wanna hurt you. I want to help you, to make it stop hurting. Is that okay?”

*********************************

He didn’t believe her…he couldn’t.

So many promises had been made before, cruel promises that had proven to be lies.

Do as you’re told, Seventeen, and we’ll take the collar off.

Be a good little slut, vampire, and maybe we’ll feed you today.

But…he wanted it gone, so desperately. It was a constant agony, sharp metal digging into his neck, throbbing pain with every movement. It prevented him from taking in the nourishment he needed so badly, prevented him from speech, from scent. But worst of all was the mental and emotional torment it inflicted, taking from him his only source of comfort in this hellish place…the simple act of breathing.

Vampires did not need to breathe, but he had never quite kicked the habit – until they had forced him to. Breath allowed him to feel just a little bit human, helped him to manage the overwhelming physical and emotional suffering that had been heaped upon him – but he was not allowed such privileges.

When they caught him…when they found out that it was off…they would punish him, he knew. But the thought of simple breath, after so long…it was simply too much for him to resist. He could not bring himself to believe that she could actually help him, or even that she really wanted to…but if she would only remove the hated collar, he would pretend to believe it.

Desperate need drove him to submit to the girl’s gentle offer, and he gave her a nervous nod as he shifted just a fraction closer to her.

********************************

His subtle agreement to her suggestion filled Tara with a sense of mingled relief and dread, as she reached slowly behind her for the first aid kit and set it down on the floor beside her. She opened it and laid out bandages, tape, and antiseptic, before reluctantly turning her attention back to the awful wounds on his neck.

Very gently she inspected it, maneuvering his head with carefully light touches so that she could see all the way around. It was as she had feared. The glint of metal deep within the wound appeared to be a thin metal collar of sorts, fastened so tight that it had gradually embedded itself in his flesh. The thought was both horrifying and encouraging, because if it was a collar, it had to have a catch…right? A place where she could unfasten it?

After some cautious searching, she finally found a tiny metal knob protruding from the thin metal, on the very back of his neck. She braced herself, placing a gentle, reassuring hand on the vampire’s shoulder as she did her best to warn him.

“Okay…I think I found the catch. You ready?”

He hesitated before nodding, his shoulder trembling under her hand.

Holding her breath, Tara pressed the button, reflexively closing her eyes as she did so. She wished she hadn’t, because the horrible squelching sound of metal grinding against damaged flesh was all the louder in the darkness. She opened her eyes, dismayed to see that the collar was still in place, just as the vampire jerked and fell forward with his face to the ground, his body shuddering with pain. Tara’s heart ached as she saw his ribs spasming rapidly and unevenly, as though he was struggling to gasp for air.

Blinking back tears, she reached out for his hand.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m gonna get it off, I promise. It’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna get it off soon.”

Gradually he became calmer, with a visible effort bringing his trembling back under control, and Tara felt a surge of sympathetic admiration for the courage he was showing in the face of what had to be an utterly confusing and terrifying situation. She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he flinched slightly, but did not pull away from her.

“Okay,” she whispered. “All right…let’s try again…okay?”

He shuddered at her words, and she knew that the idea had to be dreadful for him, but they had no choice. That metal collar had to come out, or he would not be able to breathe, or to feed…or to recover at all. After a moment, he nodded weakly, before resting his head against the floor, his shoulders shaking with weary resignation.

Tara’s eyes once more welled with tears at the sheer exhaustion evident in the gesture, and she slowly stroked her hand back and forth across his shoulder, afraid to move it too much lest she should frighten him, or encounter some tender wound and hurt him again.

“I know,” she whispered in sympathy. “I know it’s so hard…but we have to.”

Another nod acknowledged her words, a bit steadier this time, and she let out a trembling sigh as she adjusted her hand on his shoulder from a soft caress to a firm, steadying grip, pulling gently backward in an attempt to help him rise back to a semi-sitting position, half on his knees.

“Come on…you can do it…that’s it, you’re doing so good…”

Once he was more or less upright, Tara gently reached for the collar again, noting with regret that the vampire was utterly rigid, clearly terrified of further pain, though he did not resist her cautious manipulations. After a few more agonizing moments, Tara felt a strangely smooth spot on the metal band, a part of it that didn’t feel quite like the rest.

She barely had time to register the difference in the feel of the metal, before a loud metallic snap echoed in the tense silence, and the collar fell open under her hand, though it still seemed to be lodged in place. At the same moment, the vampire’s entire body spasmed in agony, and he doubled over, trembling violently, his head shaking just slightly in a desperate, pleading way. The look on damaged his face told her clearly that he was sorry for resisting her efforts, probably expected to be punished for doing so, but the pain was just too much for him to bear.

“Shhh,” she soothed him in a trembling voice, her vision blurring again with tears of mingled sorrow and relief. She knew how frightened and traumatized he was, and kept her voice calm and soothing despite her own racing heart and frayed nerves. “We’re almost there…it’s open…we’ve almost got it off…just a…just a few minutes more…Please, just one more try…”

There was no indication he had heard her words, through the agony he had to be feeling, until finally, very slowly, he straightened, giving her better access to his neck, clearly understanding the necessity of what she was doing, despite the pain. Tara hesitated, examining the collar and its position on his neck, and finally decided on a course of action that would spare him as much suffering as possible.

With one swift pull, she had freed the metal from his lacerated flesh. The motion itself had to be excruciating for him, but she figured it was better a couple of brief moments than a long, drawn out process of slow, nerve-racking motions. The vampire jerked back against the wall again, his shoulders shaking with pain and terror.
But…he was free.

The collar was gone.

Tara stared at the cruel device in her hand, her eyes going wide with horror as she examined it. It was much larger than she had originally thought, about a quarter of an inch wide, and a quarter of an inch thick…most of which thickness had been buried in the vampire’s abused neck. She frowned as she fingered the button she had originally thought would release the collar, and then finally gave it a tentative push.

She gasped in horror as six tiny prongs shot out from the inside of the collar, stained with the vampire’s blood where they had dug mercilessly into his flesh, preventing any possibility of his trying to get the collar off. Tara pressed the button again, and they retracted into the collar, as they had no doubt done when she had first pushed it while he was still wearing it.

She choked back a sob, dropping the disgusting thing to the floor with a clatter, the back of her bloodstained hand flying to her mouth in an attempt to hold back the nauseated heaving of her stomach. Her mind could not process the sort of constant agony he must have felt, with the viciously sharp points piercing his flesh constantly, shifting and tearing with every motion from his shoulders upward…nor could she fathom the sort of person that could inflict such savagery on another living being.

Overwhelmed, Tara just sat there for a long moment, her tears flowing freely as she tried to come to terms with the horror from which she had just liberated the vampire, now choking and wheezing as he struggled to draw in his first desperate, agonizing breath in longer than Tara wanted to think about. It hurt her heart to think of what it must have been like for him, alone and silent and unable to so much as draw a breath in the horror of his dark little personal hell.

***********************************

With panicked, far too rapid gasps, the vampire struggled to draw air into his weakened lungs through damaged, painful airways. His throat was badly torn by the collar, and it hurt to even try, but he could do nothing else. Finally, after a great effort, he managed to draw in a thin, strangled breath…and another…and another.

He was vaguely aware of the girl’s hand closing around his again, but was almost completely focused on his breathing…in and out, again and again despite the agony of it, half afraid that if he once stopped, he would be unable to breathe again at all.

He was so focused on his weak efforts that the girl’s voice startled him, and he jumped when she spoke again, her voice trembling and tearful.

“I…I’m gonna b-bandage your neck now, o-okay? I-it’s pretty bad, and…and I need to get those w-wounds covered…all right?”

Her words barely registered with him, though he dutifully tried to make sense of them. Bandage his wounds? Why would she take the care to do such a thing for him? But then, for that matter, why had she taken the collar off at all, or covered him with a warm blanket, or been so gentle and reassuring this whole time?

His head was too muddled with too much input to make sense of it or work out her motives. All he knew was that he could *breathe* again, after far too long. Suddenly, he was overwhelmingly exhausted. He just needed to rest, to lie down in the warmth of the blanket she had laid over him, and just be left there. And yet, he was afraid to give in to that desire, afraid that he would be surely be punished for presuming such a privilege.

Or that when he awakened, he would find that this had all been a dream.

In his utter bewilderment, he clung to the one thing he could feel, the one thing he knew was genuine…the sweet, reassuring oxygen flowing in and out from his long neglected lungs.

**************************************

Oblivious to his troubled thoughts and fears, lost in her own, Tara got the bandages and began to unroll them. Gently she brushed her hand against his shoulder, unsure if he was even aware she was still there in the shock of having the collar off, and not wanting to startle him by simply wrapping the bandage around his neck with no warning. She shuddered to think of the possible misunderstandings *that* could involve, and the trauma it could inflict on the battered, shaken vampire.

Even at the light touch on his shoulder, he jumped, his entire body tense and uncertain. Still, he did his best not to move as she gently stroked her thumb over his shoulder, wincing at the protruding bone she felt beneath her fingers.

“It’s all right,” she reminded him softly. “Just a bandage, okay? Not a collar…just a bandage I’m gonna put around your neck.

He was trembling as she gently wrapped the bandage around his torn throat, tying it firmly, but not too tightly. Eventually, she knew, she needed to clean his wounds more thoroughly and see to all of them – a daunting task indeed – but for now, she just needed a temporary measure to protect the deep, livid gashes from accidental contact.

He needed blood, and she was not sure how much longer his starving body would be able to wait. She rose carefully to her feet before resting her hand gently on his shoulder again and explaining quietly, “I’ll be right back, okay? Just a minute…and I’ll be right back.”

He hesitated, then nodded hesitantly, indicating that he understood.

Tara managed to hold it together until she reached the kitchen, where she leaned against the counter and let go the sobs she had been holding back. Macrea whined softly, moving forward as if to press his face into her hand, and she automatically reached to stroke the soft fur around his muzzle, not looking at him, her eyes hidden by the back of her other hand as her shoulders shook with the force of her tears.

To her surprise, Mac shied away from her before she could touch him, and her reaching hand met only empty air.

She opened her eyes, which immediately widened in horror at the sight of Mac, his lip curled back in distaste as he warily eyed her hand…covered in the blood of the vampire in the next room. She drew her hand up, taking in the horror of the close up sight of the dark red blood that stained her fingers.

She held her hand out in front of her, palm up, bringing the other up to meet it and staring down, aghast, at the grisly image they presented. Fighting back the bile that filled her throat, she rushed to the sink, turning on the hot water and holding her hands under it, scrubbing them furiously in an attempt to remove the vile, sticky mess that covered them.

Once her hands were red and tender from the heat and the scrubbing, and every trace of blood she could see was removed from them, Tara turned off the water, leaning over the sink for a few moments, gasping for breath as she struggled to rein in the emotions that were moments away from overwhelming her.

Finally, Tara straightened, sniffling, rubbing her now clean hand across her eyes as she took a deep, steadying breath. She could not afford to give way to her own emotions right now, any more than was necessary to simply allow her to go on…because she *had* to go on.

She still had much to do.

She took a cup from the draining pan on the counter and filled it with cool water, before bringing in the bags of blood she had left in the car and setting them near the microwave for reheating. She wanted to give him the blood, but not until she was sure he would be able to drink it. She cringed at the thought of the torment that would be for him, to offer him blood, make him frantic with his need for it, only to discover that he might not be able to swallow it yet.

Carrying the glass of water in her hand, she reached out a hand to Mac, who seemed much more willing to accept her affection now that her hands no longer reeked of the unnatural stranger in their home, and spent a few moments comforting her uncertain pet, before steeling herself to step back into the living room.

To her shock, the vampire flinched violently away from her, weakly scrabbling back against the wall again, in utter panic. He was still breathing, in short, panicked gasps, as he pressed himself back as far as he could against the wall in a desperate attempt at escape. Her heart sank with disappointment, as the progress they had made seemed to disappear before her eyes.

She had really thought she was getting through to him. How could it be that he didn’t recognize her?