Tara's eyes went wide as she stared down into trusting, crystal blue ones, wondering if Spike was really asking for what it seemed like he was asking of her. It was clear in an instant, obvious by the way his eyes kept alternating between gazing with mingled uncertainty and longing at her lips, and meeting her eyes with a deep, desperate adoration...the way his hands clung to her arms, running slowly up and down, caressing her, holding onto her, as if she was his very last hope.

And in some ways...she was.

She wasn't sure she wanted to be.

Given the circumstances, and all that he had been through...was she even *capable* of being what he needed in order to get through this?

"Spike," she whispered, shaking her head slightly, the beginnings of a dismayed frown creasing her brow. "Spike...Sweetheart...are you...are you sure...?"

"No," he admitted readily, dropping his gaze and shaking his head, his hands stilling on her arms, but not holding her any less tightly. "No, Tara, I'm *not* sure. How could I be, of anything, after...I...I'm not sure of anything," he concluded, looking up into her eyes again with only the slightest tremor in his voice as he added in a voice of breathtaking need and desperation, "But I *want* to be! And Tara, I'm startin' to think that in this whole bloody world, you're the only thing I'll ever be...ever be sure of again. *Please*, Tara..."

"Spike," Tara whispered. "You can't...can't just look to me, to...to...I'm not sure that I can..." Her faltering explanation fell short, she knew, but she couldn't seem to get the words she needed out...couldn't bring herself to admit to the trusting, adoring creature before her that she wasn't quite sure she could be the salvation he saw in her.

She finally gave up and finished softly, "I'm just not sure that...that...that the timing's right, you know? After everything...are you sure this is really what you want...now?"

Tara saw the brief flash of hurt, of rejection, in the vampire's eyes, before he looked away again, speaking in a low voice designed to disguise his emotions as he uneasily let go of her. But there was no concealing the sick sense of shame, the false conclusion he had reached that yet again, he had been found unworthy.

It was a conclusion that she could not allow to remain.

"Right, love. It's...it's not the time or place. S-sorry. Not hardly decent of me. Didn't mean to..."

His disappointed words of acceptance and apology were at once engulfed in the sweet intensity of Tara's soft lips, covering his and stilling his reluctant objections as her arms slid around his waist, pulling him closer to her. Spike went very still for a few moments, before easing into the kiss, his hands sliding tentatively back around behind her to embrace her while his mouth hungrily drank in the warmth and affection of that tender kiss.

"Spike," Tara whispered, drawing back with an effort, her breath coming in shaky, rapid pants now, despite her efforts to control her desire. "Spike...are you sure? I don't want you to...I mean...if you're not...Do you really *want* to do this? Now?"

Spike studied her expression for a long moment, searching for...something -- through the haze of physical and emotional arousal that surrounded her, Tara couldn't quite place what it was -- before nodding slowly.

"Yeah," he replied in a hoarse whisper. "Yes, Tara...I...I want to..."

"Only if you're sure, Spike," Tara insisted, gently brushing a hand through his disheveled hair, tenderness and concern in her soft gray gaze. "I only want to do...what you want to do."

Spike's acute senses told him that that was not quite true.

Tara wanted *him*...and badly.

And after all that she had done for him...Spike was willing...more than willing, desperate in fact...to give her exactly what she wanted.

"I'm sure," he whispered. "Tara...you've...you've done so much for me...you've...g-given me my life...my freedom...back again."

His voice became husky and enticing as he pressed a tender kiss against the column of her throat, and she tilted her head backward in an instinctive reaction, giving him better access. Encouraged by her reaction, Spike swallowed back his rising anxiety, trying to focus on Tara and her pleasure.

*Shouldn't be that hard, should it, mate? This is one thing you *know* you're good at.*

"Anything, Tara...anything you want, love..."

*Something's not right,* Tara realized through the fog that clouded her mind, though she couldn't find the focus to figure out what it was. *Something's...not...*

His cool hands trailed down from her arms to her hips, as he softly mouthed her silky skin, trailing downward to the low neckline of her blouse, his tongue darting out to lightly caress the soft, sensitive skin at the top of her breast.

"You deserve...everything I can give you, love..." Spike's voice shook with emotion, his hands trembling as he moved down the bed, edging nearer to her center, now sodden with the physical desire that he was so expertly awakening in her.

Again, those alarm bells went off in her head, but she couldn't figure out what about his words was so troubling. When his hands found the top edge of her skirt, gently pushing downward just slightly, coherent thought became even more difficult.

"Spike," Tara gasped, warring impulses vying for influence within her, as her body demanded the promised fulfillment it desired, while her mind struggled to put the pieces together and figure out what was wrong. "Spike...wait..."

"I want...whatever you want, Tara..." Spike's words were barely audible, floating up to her through the haze, as his cool breath tickled the sensitive flesh between her hips.

And suddenly...she knew.

"Spike," she gasped, her hands blindly grappling for his and pulling him off her, pushing him slightly back as she sought his gaze with alarm. "Spike! Wait!"

He immediately froze, looking up at her with startled eyes, holding just a trace of fear. He pulled his trembling hands back quickly, unsure what to do with them for a few moments before wrapping them around himself and averting his eyes, visibly closing in on himself as he shook his head, his breath speeding slightly with his distress.

"I-I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Tara, I-I didn't mean to...to do it wrong...I mean...I-I'm s-sorry..."

"No, no," she hurried to head off his false assumptions, gentle hands pulling him back up the bed and toward her. "Spike, no...that's not it...come here, Sweetie...come here..."

Spike seemed shaken by her perceived reproof, and far too submissive for her liking, as he obediently moved closer to her, though still not daring to raise his eyes to hers. She was quiet for a moment, searching for the words to voice her concern, without causing him any further humiliation, as she wrapped one arm around him, the other gently stroking up and down his arm in a calming motion.

Finally she said in a quiet, even voice, "You don't have to do anything just because you think it's what *I* want."

Spike looked up at her with a trapped expression, shaking his head emphatically and insisting, "No...I wasn't..."

"Spike," Tara cut him off, her voice stern and gentle at the same time. "Don't. I'm not stupid. Okay? I may be a -- very, very confused -- lesbian, but...but I do know how these things work, Spike. And I know that you're not...um...not very into this..."

Spike had no answer for that, his eyes downcast once more and his face coloring with embarrassment. As close as their bodies had been moments before, he should have known better than to think that Tara would have failed to notice his lack of sexual arousal.

Deeply dismayed and ashamed by the thought that he had unintentionally rejected her, Spike quickly stammered out a struggling explanation, "Tara, it's not...I mean...I just...I don't know if I'm..."

"Ready."

Spike hesitated, before nodding a reluctant admission. "I'm sorry," he whispered, a note of despair in his voice. "Tara, I'm so sorry, I just...I can't even bloody well do *this* right, after...bloody..." His words broke off abruptly, and he tried to turn away, his shoulders shaking as he tried to repress his overwhelming confusion and shame.

“Shhh,” Tara soothed him, pulling him gently into her arms, guiding his head to rest against her shoulder as she soothingly stroked through his hair. “Spike…you didn’t do anything wrong…okay? It’s not that, not at all…it’s just…I only want to go as far as you are comfortable going…”

*You *have* no say in this, you pathetic little scum! You are *mine*, and I’ll do what I want with you, when I want to do it, and you have *nothing* to say about it!*

“But…”

“No buts,” Tara cut him off firmly. “This is not about me. Not about what I want. This is about you, Spike, and what I want to do for *you*, okay? And I want to *love* you through this, Sweetheart. That’s all I want…”

*All you need to think about…ever…is what *I* want. What can you do to make *me* happy, so I don’t decide to find more interesting ways to entertain myself. Do you understand me, Spike? I said *do you understand me*!*

“Well,” Spike murmured, not looking at her, his voice hoarse and troubled as he struggled to focus past his own painful memories, “that’s not…*all* you want, love…I know that much…”

“Okay, yes, I’m…unbelievably attracted to you, which, your being a man…um…anyway, I *am* attracted to you, Spike, I can’t deny it. But more than that…I *love* you. And more important than any physical attraction we might feel…”

*You stupid, pathetic little nothing. You can’t even get it up for me anymore, is that it? I always told you that you aren’t a man at all and this just proves it! Well, I know how to take care of *that* little problem, you stupid whore. You are going to be ready for me whenever I want you, do you understand me?*

“…more important than what you think I deserve…” Tara continued gently, holding him close as her soft words fell against his skin, tender and patient and intimate. “To me, it’s all about what *you need*. Do you understand? I want to be what *you* *need*.”

Spike found that he could not speak, his heart overwhelmed with the conflicting emotions within him, as Tara’s tender words of affirmation and reassurance gradually began to drown out the echoes of Buffy’s cruelty -- of the brutal lies she had told him, over and over again, until he had come to accept them as truth.

“Spike?” Tara’s concern was evident in her voice, as she placed a tender kiss against his throat. “You okay?”

He nodded against her shoulder, simply to assuage her fears.

In truth, he had no bloody idea whether or not he was okay.

“I’m sorry if I’ve…if I’ve made things more confusing for you, Sweetheart,” Tara went on, kissing down the line of his shoulder as she spoke. “I wasn’t trying to. I just…I’ve never known anyone as amazing as you are, Spike.”

*Pathetic…worthless…useless for anything but…*

His damaged mind automatically rejecting the words, Spike shook his head against her, whispering in desolation, “No…no, I’m not…”

*You weak, pathetic, ugly *monster*…you don’t even deserve to exist, Spike…I’d stake you right now if I didn’t enjoy you so much…*

“Incredible, Spike. That’s what you are,” Tara insisted. “Strong…and beautiful…and amazing…”

“I’m not…I’m…”

Tears sprang to Spike’s eyes, as Tara’s hand trailed down his arm, to entwine with his, raising it gently to her lips and kissing it softly. “You can’t see it, Spike. We can never see ourselves as clearly…but…you’re worth so much more than the lies she told you. And if it takes forever…”

*If it takes forever, you little idiot, I am going to teach you your place! I’m gonna get it through that stupid head of yours sooner or later that you will *never* escape me! Never, no matter how far you go…*

“If it takes forever,” Tara repeated firmly, a frown of concern creasing her brow as she felt Spike’s tremors increasing, knew that he was waging an internal war in which she played no part. “I’m going to prove it to you, Spike. I’m going to prove to you that you are good…and beautiful…and *worthy*.”

*You only exist to make me happy…you’ll never be free again…you’ll never be anything but my slave…*

“You *deserve* to be happy, Spike. To be loved. To be free. And you will be. You’re already on your way there. And every step of the way…I’m going to be right here,” Tara whispered, slowly, tenderly kissing his hand before releasing it to gently tilt his chin up, seeking his gaze. “Holding your hand…walking right with you…if you want me to.”

Spike reluctantly met her eyes, tears streaking his face, shaking his head slightly in disbelief. He instinctively knew that in this moment, she was talking about far more than friendship -- and what she was offering him seemed far greater than anything he could ever deserve.

“I *love* you, Spike,” Tara declared, and the knowing nod of her head as her eyes locked with his told him again that she was meant it far more deeply than he would have imagined. “I love you. And as long as you’ll have me…I’ll be with you.”

*I’ll never leave you, Spike…you’ll never get away from me…*

Tara’s hand steadied on his cheek, her eyes growing serious, and some shift in her mood drew his attention in, centered it on her in a way that had not been before. Her voice was low, solemn, and tinged with an anger that did not frighten him…for he knew it was not directed at him…when she spoke again.

“I know she’s still in there, Spike,” she whispered, stroking her fingertips across his brow. “I know she’s still lying to you…every minute…telling you you’ll never be good enough…never get away…” She was quiet for a moment, her fingertips tracing across his trembling lips, wiping a tear from his cheek as she continued, “But you’re not alone with her anymore. Because now…I’m there, too.”

The tremendous sense of relief that washed over Spike nearly overwhelmed him, and he felt himself on the verge of both breaking down and soaring in joy, as Tara held his gaze, leaning cautiously, slowly toward him to capture his lips in an infinitely tender, gentle kiss.