Since Buffy had so inconsiderately
ruined his attempt to get drunk enough to actually have a valid excuse
for his current condition, Spike headed out for patrol as soon as the
sun went down. Maybe if he could pound on some unsuspecting demon, he’d
feel a little less, well, impotent. Instead, he found
himself once again face to face with the Slayer. He gritted his teeth
and resisted the very tempting notion of ripping her head from her
neck. “What are you doing here?” Spike ground out. “Patrolling,” Buffy replied with a shrug. “I mean, that is sort of
my sacred duty and all.” “Yeah, well, go perform your sacred duty in some other
cemetery. It’s not like there aren’t enough in this bloody town to go
around.” Buffy pouted. “But I like this one.” Spike
refused to be swayed. The fact that her pout didn’t cause the stirring
in his pants that it normally did was reminder enough of his anger and
the reason behind it. Though she did look bloody adorable in her knit cap, stake twirling
in her hand… Spike
shook his head. He was furious with her – and rightly so. “I don’t care
if you like this one, Slayer,” he snapped. “No one in it likes you.” Buffy rolled her eyes, his acerbic remark not even putting a dent in
her feelings. “Whatever, Spike,” she said with a snort. Spike
held his hands out in front of him, clenching his fists as if he was
sorely tempted to throttle her, before he threw his arms up. “Fine. You
want to patrol here, you go right ahead. I’ll go find another
cemetery to kill things in.” He
turned and walked away, though he came to an abrupt stop when he
realized Buffy was trailing behind him. He spun quickly towards her,
his coat swirling around his legs. “What are you doing?” “Following you,” Buffy replied simply. “Well, stop it! I don’t need a bloody stalker.” Buffy giggled. “That’s funny coming from you.” “So, what, you’re going to start stalking me
now?” “Worth a shot,” Buffy said with a shrug of her shoulders. “It worked
for you, after all.” “It
worked for…” Spike trained off, his expression growing colder. “You’ve
already done enough damage to me today, Buffy. I don’t need you messing
with my head, too.” “I’m not messing with your head.” “So
you like me now? Is that really it, Slayer?” Spike yelled. “You’re
going to be my girlfriend now? And how about if the spell breaks and
you don’t have to worry about easing your guilt anymore? Then what? We
move into a cozy little crypt for two? Or, heaven forbid, you
actually let yourself be seen in public with me?” When Buffy said
nothing, Spike had his answer. “That’s what I thought.” When he started to walk away again, Buffy ran after him and grabbed
the arm of his coat. “Spike, wait.” Spike turned and looked her in the eye. “I’ve had enough of this
shite, Buffy. Either I’m in your life of I’m out.” “It’s not that simple.” He jerked his sleeve away from her. “Then I’m out.” Buffy tried to go after him a third time, but Spike struck out and
knocked her down. She looked up from the ground, having no choice but to watch him go. *** *** *** Buffy knew this was all her fault. She wished
she could somehow place the blame for the whole ordeal on Spike’s
shoulders, but she knew there was no one she could fault for this
monumental lapse in judgment but herself. However, that didn’t stop her from indulging in a little self pity. She
came into her house through the backdoor and went directly for the
freezer, relieved to find a pint of ice cream sitting front and center.
She didn’t know who’d been the one to actually purchase it, but
honestly, she didn’t care. It wasn’t like anyone bothered to pay any
rent around there… Buffy sat down at the kitchen island with her
current drug of choice and a spoon, determined to drown her sorrows
with a little Chunky Monkey therapy. “Was patrol rough tonight?” Buffy
looked up sharply, Willow’s sudden presence in the kitchen taking her
by surprise. “You could say that. Sorry if I’m eating your ice cream.
It was an emergency.” Willow winced in sympathy. “That bad, huh?” “Oh yeah. This day has been full of major suckage.” Buffy sighed.
“Spike may actually never talk to me again.” Willow
sat down at the island, across from Buffy. “Well shouldn’t that have
been a little pick-me-up in your otherwise sucky day?” Buffy frowned, her hand stilling with the spoon still stuck in the
ice cream. “That was what made it so bad, Willow.” “Huh?” Willow wrinkled her nose. “Why?” “Because
he’s…” Buffy stopped short, not knowing what she could say. How could
she define her relationship with Spike, especially to Willow? She
didn’t really have a word for it, and she doubted Willow would be as
accepting as Tara had been of anything she could manage to come up
with. “Because he helps me patrol,” she said finally, though the answer
made her feel a pang of guilt. She tried to squash it down. “You don’t need him for that, Buffy. I mean, Xander and I helped you
patrol for years before Spike came along.” “Yeah,
but you quit doing that years ago, and I don’t exactly see either of
you clamoring to head out with me every night,” Buffy snapped, not
realizing there was even a nerve to hit until Willow hit it. “And
really, Willow, how much help are you two even going to be these days,
huh? Maybe Xander can distract the demon by getting knocked unconscious
and then you can take it out with some erratic, impaired driving.” Willow pulled back, her expression on of shocked hurt. “Buffy! How
can you say that? Xander and I are you best friends!” “Are
you? I can barely even talk to you because you’re always too involved
in your own shit to know what’s going on beyond two feet in front of
you! You brought me back because you just had to have me
around, and then you completely ignored the damage you did to me. Then,
you sit here and tell me you could actually take Spike’s place on my
patrols, but the last time I asked you for help when that demon Xander
so intelligently summoned tried to make my sister his own personal
Persephone but without the vacation plan, you all just stood there
looking at me like stunned deer while Giles decided that the best time
for me to learn to stand on my own – cause hey, not like I’ve never
done that before – was when the person who means more to me than
anything in this world was in danger.” Buffy stopped for a
second, needing to take a deep breath before she continued. “The only
person who supported me fully that night was Spike. And when we fought
against Glory, he was right there by my side, ready and willing to do
what I needed to have done to get the job done. But you and Xander?
It’s never about doing what needs to be done to save the world with the
two of you. You don’t even get the big picture half the time.
You just treat it all like a game. Spike may be evil, but at least he
understands the true magnitude of the battle we’re waging here.” She
stopped, letting out another deep, shuddering breath. The rant that had
just spilled from her had taken her completely by surprise, but now
that it was out, she felt relieved, like her overburdened shoulders
were finally carrying one less weight. For a long moment, all Willow could do was gape, until finally, she
blurted out, “That isn’t fair, Buffy!” “No,
Willow, you know what isn’t fair? It’s not fair that I’ve had to go out
every night and risk my life since I was fifteen. And it’s not fair
that once I finally got to rest from all that, I had it ripped away
from me. That isn’t fair, Willow.” “You know, things haven’t been so great for me either, Buffy,”
Willow snapped defensively. “Yeah,
well, you brought it all on yourself,” Buffy replied bitterly. “You
used magic to manipulate everyone and everything in your life, and now
you’re paying the price.” “Hello, pot, you’re black,” Buffy thought, but she knew the
accusation was true enough for both of them. “Buffy, what’s wrong with you? You’re…you’re not acting like
yourself.” “How
the hell would you know? And you want to know what’s wrong with me? My
so-called ‘best friend’ is a judgmental, selfish bitch. That’s what’s
wrong with me.” The snapped response came before Buffy could
even think about it, and as soon as she did, she wished she hadn’t said
it – though she couldn’t bring herself to try to take it back either.
It was harsher than she’d wanted to be, but it was still how she felt.
She kept thinking about how Tara had been when Buffy had admitted what
had happened with Spike. Tara had been surprised, sure, and maybe a
little squicked, but she hadn’t judged. And she certainly hadn’t started informing her of what was wrong
with her in a grating, whiny tone… Buffy thought she could probably get used to things like that. “I’m
not that, Buffy,” Willow said, looking every bit like the wrong party.
“I can’t believe you’d even say something so hurtful.” “Oh yeah?
You’re not? Really? Then how about you stop freeloading and pitch in
with the household expenses now and then, huh?” Buffy stood up,
unwilling to let the conversation go any further. Instead, she left the
house, her whole body shaking with anger as she stepped out onto the
porch. Willow didn’t follow her out, and for that, Buffy was
glad; she’d said all she wanted to say. She knew a lot of the anger she
was feeling right now was really towards herself, but a fair amount
belonged rightly directed at Willow as well. Buffy still railed against
the injustice that had been committed in bringing her back, and
Willow’s recent decision to “fix it” through a forgetting spell had
only upset her further. The parallels of what Willow had done to
her and what she had done to Spike were starting to form in Buffy’s
mind, making her feel horrible. It had been a mistake, things hadn’t
gone according to plan, but that didn’t excuse anything. She’d acted
without taking the consequences or Spike’s feelings into consideration. Without taking into consideration that he even had
feelings. That had been the case for years, and while it had been one thing
when they’d been enemies, it was different now that they were… Buffy still didn’t know how to complete that sentence. But
what she did know was that Spike was the only person she could talk to
since she’d come back, and the conversation she’d just had in the
kitchen made her realize why that was. She’d thought at first it was
because she wanted to shield her friends from the truth of what they’d
done, but now she realized it had really been so much more than that. They wouldn’t have listened to what she had to say. They wouldn’t
have given her support. They hadn’t… Only Spike had. And now she’d blown it. And
while she knew that, as the Slayer, she shouldn’t be having any sort of
relationship with a vampire that didn’t involve dust in the wind, she
couldn’t seem to make that work with Spike. Since her resurrection –
and before her death, too, if she was really being honest with herself
– she’d come to depend on him. She needed someone who would listen to
her without pitying her or trying to force her into adjusting her mood. She needed someone who could make her smile despite it all… She
wanted to go to Spike and have him make her feel all better. She wanted
him to hold her and comfort her and tell her everything was going to be
okay. But she couldn’t. He’d made it pretty clear he wanted nothing to
do with her for the time being – and quite possibly for good. That
thought almost had her in a panic. She’d been saying for years she
wanted Spike out of her life, but facing it as an actual possibility?
He’d never shown any indication of really wanting to leave her side,
even when he’d been at his angriest. She’d come to depend on the idea
of him being the man who didn’t leave. How would she deal if that
changed? And why did it matter so much to her at all? Buffy felt like a confused mess, and she knew she had to talk to someone.
She couldn’t make sense of anything on her own. Not knowing where else to go to find anyone who would be willing to
listen, Buffy started off towards UC Sunnydale.
*** *** ***
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