Title: And, the Beat Goes On... Author: Ajay Rating: PG ish. Some minor swearing. Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series or anything else in the Whedon universe. I'm not sure I'd be woman enough to share them if I did. I am making no money from this story. Warnings: None, really. Description: Angel ruminates on Spike from the appearance of Illyria until the end of the series. Distribution: You want it? Just let me know where it lands so I can visit on occasion. Many, many thanks to the brave people who offered to beta: Jinx Watcher, Fell and especially Ghosts Forge, whom I think I've fallen in love with. All feedback would be appreciated. But, flames will be used to light a bonfire on the beach on Halloween. ***************************************************** "That offer still good? Send me abroad, roving agent and all?" The question surprised me. "Yeah, it's still good." Please tell me you're not going to take me up on it. I need you here, Spike. You're the only sane one I still have on my side, the only one I can trust at my back. He's saying something about sending Gunn instead. "You're not leaving?" Tell me, Boy, come on tell me you're going to stay with me. He does, in a roundabout way. How much he dislikes me, confirmation that he feels the oncoming evil just as I do and he's going to stay, to help in that battle. To help me. Oh, he couched it in other terms. At first he says he's doing it for Fred. Always playing Sir Lancelot, or more likely it's the Victorian gentleman coming through. He really was, a gentleman, that is. Before I made him what he is, or was. I think the Scoobies had more to do with who he is right now. Buffy and Dawn especially but I know he had a soft spot for Willow and her witch girlfriend. He has a grudging respect for Giles and I think he found a kindred spirit in the former Vengeance Demon. I know from talking to Buffy and Willow that he even purposely saved Xander Harris several times. Andrew's visit confirmed that there were even others that he had touched in some way. The ultimate way. He gave up his life, well his existence and his hard won soul, for the lot of them. Yes, he saved the rest of the world, even me by default, but he did it for them. As far as I know Andrew is the only one who knows he's back. He hasn't told anyone else and he threatened the little worm to stay quiet, but he knew where Willow was supposed to be. Did Andrew tell him then or has he been in touch with some one of them since? If so, they've not only turned their backs on me because of Wolfram & Hart, they're also shunning him, negating his sacrifice because of his alliance with me. I want to tell myself that they, Buffy or Willow or even Giles wouldn't do that but I no longer know if that's true... The only thing I know for sure right now is that Wes has gone mental due to the thing that has taken over Fred's body. Illyria, talk about an unknown quantity. Gunn is still in hospital. Lorne is bunking with Jose Cuervo and there is no one at Wolfram & Hart I would trust with my laundry much less backing me up in an apocalypse. That leaves Spike. The only sure thing in my life right now. As much as he dislikes me, as much as we've hurt each other over the decades I know he'll be there watching my back, giving his all even if it means giving all. I've given up so much this year: Connor, Cordy, Fred even Spike once, I can just pray that the powers that be can see their way clear to get us through this. Today we went to 'rescue' Lindsay. First we get shot at thought thank the Gods Spike and I were the only ones hit Then we were attacked by, as Spike described it, an S&M demon in the basement. Seeing him sling my Childe around like a used Kleenex really pissed me off. Even the two of us fighting together couldn't best this thing. It only stopped when Gunn put on that talisman and told us he had to stay in Lindsay's place. Spike was the only one to put up even a token argument against it. God, the look on his face when Lorne asked about Gunn. Has he always been this feeling? This human? Truthfully I think he has. I remember how it used to piss off Darla and infuriate Angelus. It was the main reason for the bad blood between us. He was always so different. He enjoyed life more after his death then he was ever allowed to when he was breathing. Even without the soul he was so damned human. And I, hell I taunted him, beat him even took Drusilla from him to get him to change. I didn't see that his humanity was what made him Spike. It was what caught my attention in the beginning, what made turning him such a good idea. What kept him with Drusilla for so long. Taking care of a crazy woman who couldn't even be bothered to be faithful to the one person who would always be there for her. I think the Scoobies saw this from the beginning, his humanity. There's no other explanation for Buffy or the others' inability to stake him each time they got into it. She had no problem sending me to hell when she needed to but she couldn't stake Spike even when he was at his worst. Either the gods have him under their protection or he has the best luck in the world or like I said they saw it. What I couldn't see. He held on to his humanity even when he was his most dangerous. They recognized this in him and he saw something in each of them that allowed them protection from him and nearly everything else that threatened if what I've been told is correct. He protected each of them whenever he could. Hell, if I'm being honest he's protected me as well. The man he doesn't 'much like'. Ha. At least he hasn't said he hates me lately. How is it we go through exactly the same things and he comes up smelling like a rose? Looking damn good through it all, too. You know he was right to protest going to Italy alone. I've been dropping the shit jobs on him. Training with Illyria, picking up the demon's head, let's let Spike do it. If I had spent one second remembering the sight of his ashes on the training room floor, remembering the feeling of that cold voice telling me she 'staked the white haired one first' I wouldn't have considered sending him to Rome alone. Who knows what could've happened? Yeah, well with Andrew's effusive greeting I can see that things on may have gone well on that front. The geek may even have convinced Buffy to come home if Spike had been alone. Then again, if he had gone only to retrieve the head he wouldn't even had gone to Buffy's place. He wouldn't have gotten in to a bar fight or almost run over by that idiot servant. Oh, and let's not forget the bomb. He was so heartbroken over that duster and what do I do but snark over how he acquired it? I can be such a bastard. Did I even acknowledge the fact that it was he who thought of going to Wolfram and Hart's local office? I don't remember. Again, what is it about him? Okay, he's attractive. I even have to admit he's probably the sexiest man I've ever known, but what's her name fawned over him even more than Andrew. Oh, she was happy to meet me as a fellow Wolfram & Hart head but she looked like she wanted to take Spike and well, TAKE Spike. With her hands all over him and her low cut top, her breasts nearly falling out. I could smell her desire for my boy rolling off her in tsunami type waves. Come to think of it how did she know so much about Spike in the first place? What the hell is the company up to now and how does it involve my Childe? Hmm, he says he's moving on but I wonder. Will's always been one to need a show of emotion even with casual sex, note his pseudo relationship with Harmony in Sunnydale. So, I don't see him just picking up some woman for a cleansing bout of get over Buffy boffing. I mean, the only contact he has right now is with Harm and Illyria. I don't see either of those happening. The only other person he spends time with is Wesley. Their common interest/problems with Illyria have bonded them into a team. At least, I think that's what they're bonding over. No way in hell would Will be interested in Wesley, would he? Would he? Shit! What have I gotten myself into? I know that we've had times in our past when we didn't trust each other. Each of us has had the opportunity to be the black sheep. I've always hated to have to be the bad guy but here I am willingly turning them against me. I see how easily Wes and Gunn have accepted that I've gone bad. Even Lorne has figured that good ole Angel has let power go to his head, but I thought Spike would have been able to read me better. He should have read the lies before I even told them. I know his senses are as sharp as ever so the only thing I can assume is that he either has decided I'm not worth the effort or he's a damned good actor. Of course, he's the first one ready to throw down when it's time to take me on, he's also the first one to agree to fight in the coming battle. I knew he would be. He doesn't understand about Grogyn and it may be the one thing I'll never be forgiven for. I'm not even going to explain about the Shanshu. I'm assuming that by signing my chance away that they haven't found a way to expand it to include him. I won't mention it just in case. In case I have given up his chance at humanity, in case I haven't and his hopes are raised only to be disappointed. In case he's not disappointed and actually becomes human again. In that case I'll lose him forever. He'll return to Buffy or maybe he won't but he'll definitely find someone human to share his life with. Why would he want to remain with me if he can pursue a normal life? Listen to me, I'm talking like any of us is going to come out of this alive. But, if one of us does I'm betting on it being Spike. The End? ===== Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Normal people frighten me. "Why can't you people ever keep your feet on the ground?" Ardeth Bay 'The Mummy Returns'