Author: Queen Akasha

Rating: NC17

Summary: Spike's been gone for a year. Buffy misses him. B/S.

Disclaimer: Joss is great, Joss is good, let us thank him for Spike and Buffy.

Spoilers: Up to the end of Season Six (I used some spoilers that are going around)

Distribution: Go ahead – make my day. Just let me know.....
 
 
 

Chapter One

Buffy stood alone by the dance floor, watching the ebb and flow of the crowd moving to the music. Her friends had left her there alone at her request, not realizing what day this was. Had Willow known, she would have tried to stay, and Buffy couldn't talk to her right now. The only person that she could've spoken with was gone, and had been for a year. 365 days today. And although Buffy knew deep in her heart it was her own fault, she still placed blame on her friends. *Willow and Xander are so easy to blame* she thought, *What's one more guilt on top of the big one of pulling me out of heaven?*

Spike had given her a choice. "Tell your friends or I will," he threatened, but when it came down to actually saying the words he couldn't. He could do nothing to hurt her. He gave her another ultimatum – if she couldn't tell her friends then he couldn't stay. "I know I promised I'd always be there for you Buffy, but you're killing me," he said to her, mirroring back the words she had spoken to him. She damned the stubborn pride that had kept her silent, never really believing that he would leave her.

A year ago, she had woken up to another dream about him. She had told him that she couldn't see him anymore, but he came to taunt her in the night with dreams of having and being had by him. She would waken flushed, sorrowful and unsatisfied. This particular night, the dream had been different – not just disjointed images of sex – the dream had a fearsome reality to it. In it, she was sitting on a gravestone by Spike's crypt, begging him not to leave her. *Don't leave me, Spike*, she sobbed as he walked away from her. He turned with a sweep of his duster and said *Slayer, it's killing me to leave you, but I will die for sure if I stay.* As he stalked away, her throat seemed to close up, and she couldn't force out any words. Finally she managed to croak *But I love you,* but he was gone. *I love you!* she cried frantically, waking herself up. "Oh God, I do love him!" she whispered to herself.

What traitorous impulse was it that kept her in her bed that night? She was never to know. Tomorrow should have been soon enough to reveal herself to him. However when she arrived at his crypt, she discovered that her nightmare had become reality. Spike and his few possessions were nowhere to be seen. Her sadly prophetic dream had come true.

For the past year she had been finding it very easy to blame her friends. She felt that if she could've told them and been assured of their acceptance Spike would still be with her. Tonight, however, was one year since he'd left her – one year since she discovered her love for him. She had thought that her feelings would ease over time, yet they seemed to grow stronger. She still dreamed of him nightly – his handsome face remained crystal clear in her memory. Today she had finally accepted her blame in the matter, and absolved her friends from guilt. A small load was lifted from her mind, but she still wanted to spend the night alone.

A week ago, she and Dawn had rented Spiderman, which was out on video. Dawn teased her, calling her slayer senses "spider senses". She thought of that now, *My spider senses are tingling,* when she felt something pulling at her from across the room. The band kicked into a cover of Blue Rodeo's "Try". Buffy gazed across the dance floor, and felt that her heart had stopped.
 

Don't tell me I'm wrong
Cause I've been watching every move that you make
Hearts you steal with your make-up and heels
Trouble for the men that you take

Spike was standing there, being revealed and concealed by the swaying crowd. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, as he began to cross the dance floor towards her.
 

Every time you walk in the room
I couldn't even be sure of a smile
You were never the same way twice
But I'm falling in love
Night after night - oh it's crazy

She watched him stride towards her. Her heart began beating again with a painful "thump". She felt as if all the air had been forced out of her lungs, and had to remind herself how to breathe again.
 

So many people who said
Girl you've got nothing but time
Oh you are a shining star
Don't you worry about what you're leaving behind

Finally, after a year of heartache, her heart's true desire was standing in front of her. He gave her a cocky Spike grin, and held out his hand to her. As if in a dream, she took his hand as he led her onto the dance floor.
 

Every time you walk in the room
I couldn't even be sure of a smile
You were never the same way twice
But I'm falling in love
Night after night - oh it's crazy

They danced slowly, sensually, but never touching their bodies together. Their eyes were locked upon each other. Buffy wanted to melt into him, but he seemed to be holding her at a distance.
 

Oh you got to try try try
Don't you know you've got to try try try
Oh baby you try

The music ended, and they stopped dancing. Spike gazed deeply into her eyes, then kissed her chastely on the forehead. He turned then, with a swirl of his duster, and left quickly with his preternatural vampire speed. Not a word had been spoken. She never saw which way he went.

She stood in the middle of the dance floor, aching and unfulfilled, wanting and needing. *I have to find him,* she thought desperately. *I have to TRY, anyhow,* she thought, with a hint of a smile.
 

Chapter 2

Spike stood alone in his crypt, waiting for Buffy. *She'll find me, * he thought confidently. *She'd better find me.*

It had been a long year for him. It had been difficult to stay away, but his male pride had been severely bruised and battered. Every time he had the urge to come back, he recalled her words to him. "You're just convenient." "I'm using you." "I can't ever love you." He had done a lot of "soul searching" (he laughed at that) in the past year. A month after he left, he had journeyed to Africa and, at great risk, managed to have his chip deactivated. He had thought that he would want to revert to his "Big Bad" ways, but found he didn't have the heart for killing anymore. As the days slowly trickled by, his thoughts went more and more consistently to Buffy. He wondered what she was doing now, if anyone was helping her with her slaying duties, what she was wearing, if she was seeing anyone.

When he realized that he had been gone almost a year, the urge to return to SunnyDale was too powerful to resist. He told himself that he would just check up on Li'l Bit, and be gone again. However, when he arrived and sensed Buffy at the Bronze, he was drawn in to see her. He danced with her slowly, not trusting himself to touch her much. If more of her flesh had been pressed against his, he would've taken her right there, and damn the consequences. When the song ended, he came to a quick decision. He kissed her gently and left quickly, to await her arrival at his crypt.

*She WILL come,* he thought again. But if she didn't, then that meant that he would leave and never come back this time. He couldn't go through the pain again of seeing her and never really having her. He found some old candles and lit them, then went out to his car and hauled in some bedding, making a nest on the floor. *She'll be here, * he thought with a little less confidence. *She HAS to be.*

Buffy walked alone up to Spike's crypt. *He has to be here *, she thought. *Where else would he go?* As she got closer, her "spider senses" began tingling. She smiled in anticipation. *Oh yeah! Got him! *, she exalted. She pushed open the door, and he was there, standing in candlelight and shadows.

She entered and shut the door. Spike could feel her heart beating from across the room. Her beautiful eyes were locked on his. *I have to have her,* he thought. *I need him to stay,* she thought.

Buffy opened her lips. "Spike," she said, the first word spoken between them for a year. "I...", she couldn't continue. His presence made her dizzy with longing and lust. *To hell with it!* she thought. She walked slowly over to him, never taking her eyes from his. When she was standing directly in front of him, she reached out a trembling hand and touched his cheek. *All or nothing,* thought Spike. *If I can't have her love then I can't have her either.* All the pent up frustration and desire that Buffy had been holding over the past year came to the fore. She threw herself into his arms. They came up automatically to wrap around her, but then Spike willed them to his side. *All or nothing,* he thought.

Buffy didn't know how to react to his distance. Always in the past he had followed her lead. She HAD to make things better between them – HAD to make him stay. She reached over and slowly unbuttoned his black silk shirt. She ran her hands down his sculpted torso, causing him to hiss. He didn't respond in any other way, though. *All right for you,* she thought, and reached down and unbuttoned his jeans. When he felt her small warm hands near his cock, he almost lost control. *All or nothing,* he repeated to himself.

Buffy finished undoing his jeans and slipped them down his legs. His unrestrained cock bobbed up heavy and full. Without even thinking, she knelt down in front of him and rubbed it against her cheek. She could smell him, that familiar scent of leather and something spicy. She rubbed her nose in his curls and then took him in her mouth. Spike groaned. "God Buffy," he finally spoke to her. "I can't do this with you again. I want you, but not unless I have all of you," he said, gently pushing her head away and lifting her up by her shoulders.

Buffy's eyes were glazed with passion. "Spike," she panted, "please, I want you."

"I want you too, luv, but I want everything. I want your body and your mind and your heart."

"Oh God, Spike. I need to tell you something," Buffy looked down. Spike gently cupped her face in his hand and brought her eyes to his.

"What is it, luv?" he asked gently.

"It's been a year," Buffy replied.

"I know, a year today," Spike said.

"I haven't had anyone to talk to for a year, " Buffy sighed. "If I hadn't been so cocky," Spike raised an eyebrow at this " you would've never left me."

"Tell me," Spike breathed, unable to believe where this seemed to be going.

"I love you," Buffy said in a tiny voice, then louder "I love you. I've loved you all along, I guess I just couldn't admit it to myself. But I do love you," she said, gaining confidence every time she said it.

Spike stood awestruck for a moment. How long had he waited to hear these words from this girl? He thought that this day would never come. When the truth finally hit him, he kicked off his shoes and jeans, growling, and carried Buffy to his make-shift pallet in the corner.

"Buffy, my love, I can't believe it." He gently touched her face as tears began to fall from his eyes. "I've loved you for so long, against my very nature. I hoped but never truly believed that you could love me back."

"I'm so sorry," Buffy whispered, burrowing her face into his neck. "Can you ever forgive me?"

He lifted his head from hers and gazed down at her beautiful face, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and replied, "I can try."
 

Chapter 3

Buffy and Spike lay together on his improvised bed on the floor. Now that he knew she loved him, Spike could no longer restrain himself from touching her. *Next time will be gentle,* he thought to himself, *but I must have her now or die.* He reached down between her legs, underneath her leather skirt, *Love it when she wears those skirts,* he thought incoherently, to find her panties soaked through with her juices.

"Please, Spike, I need you in me now" Buffy moaned. Only too willing to please, Spike positioned himself between her thighs and, pulling aside her lacy panties, embedded himself to the hilt in her hot tight crevice.  "So big, so hard" Buffy panted into his ear. "You fill me up, baby." Her slayer muscles gripped his shaft so hard that he thought he would cum right then. "I love you," she breathed underneath him.

"Buffy, I need....." Spike couldn't ask it of her, but she answered his unspoken question by baring her throat to him, the unmarked side untouched by the Master and by Angel. Spike began trembling. He leaned down and gently kissed her neck. When she moaned and writhed underneath him, his fangs descended of their own accord and plunged into her veins. He fought down the demon, though, and kept his human mask on. The taste of her and the feel of her plunged him into the fiercest orgasm of his un-life. Buffy rocketed along with him, bucking her hips and thrashing her limbs. "Oh, SPIKE!" she screamed. Nothing had ever felt like this to her. It was the most intimate moment of her life and every sense was peaked.

They lay joined together, while Buffy got her heartbeat under control. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again. "I just didn't know......"

"Ssh, I know, luv," Spike breathed in her ear as he held her and stroked her gently. "It's never too late. We have each other now – we'll never be alone again."

Buffy smiled and looked up at his handsome face. She could feel him stiffening inside her, and she clenched her muscles. She flipped him with one kick of her powerful legs. He was still embedded within her, and she asked him coyly, "Do you think we could do that again?"

"We can TRY," grinned Spike, already rotating his pelvis. "We can always try."
 
 

The End?
 
 

Please let me know what you think. I'm a newbie to this and need pointers. Thanks!!!!!!!