THE REAL WORLD: ANCHORAGE (or thereabouts)
A Bobby/Vera/Downie Collaboration
BVD Productions, a subsidiary of Club Polaris-Magneto
Sabretooth...
DISCLAIMER: MTV holds full and exclusive rights to the Real World
concept, as does Marvel over the X-Men characters. However, this is a
parody, and thus should be protected under copyright law. Copyright
1996, Dawn Bobby, Leslie Vera and Lea Downie.
Address any and all comments to ME , Leslie or ... Thanks for reading--
we hope you laugh as hard as we did...
EPISODE FIVE: HAVOK IN DISNEY WORLD
Caption: RAVEN
LOGAN had an interview on a late night show up in Atlanta, so we
all decided to tag along, since we were already in Florida for the
Summers' Reunion.
Caption: EMMA
Don't ask why the Reunion was in Florida, when the entire Summers
family already lives in Anchorage. If I lived in Anchorage for any
longer than this show, I'd want to have the Reunion....well, perhaps
not Florida.
Caption: TABITHA
But before we flew up to Atlanta, we...okay, Hank and I....decided
we should all go to Disney World!
Caption: RAVEN
Hooray.
(The group meets outside the hotel in Miami at 4:30 am. Everyone
is dressed for the temperature and 89% humidity, except Pete, who
is in his typical white shirt, tie, etc. He has managed to loosen his
tie and roll up his sleeves.)
RAVEN: My God...two minutes out of the air conditioning and
you already have sweat rings.
PETE: Nah, this is from yesterday.
LOGAN: You coulda borrowed some o' my Right Guard, Pete.
TABITHA: Yeah, he's not using it.
ALEX: I'm sorry, Pete.
PETE: What--that I stink?!
ALEX: Well, now that you mention it...
(A huge Winnebago pulls up. Hank waves from the driver's seat.
He still has a bandage on his nose, but the swelling is completely
gone and he is very cheerful.)
TABITHA: Okay...wait a minute. Are we on Real World or
Road Rules?
RAVEN: There's a difference?
TABITHA: Of about two people.
EMMA: I am not...riding...in this...bourgeois...nightmare.
LOGAN: Yes, y'are, Em.
EMMA: (icy glare) And why is that?
LOGAN: (grins) I slashed the tires on yer limos.
EMMA: All FOUR of them?!
PETE: Tyres or limos?
LOGAN: Both.
(On the road. PETE has found a broom in the closet.)
PETE: EMMA! You won't need that limo, after all!
(Everyone rolls their eyes.)
PETE: No, wait! TABBY, loan me yer shades.
TABITHA: Are ya gonna give 'em back?
PETE: Yes, yes...
TABITHA: (glancing at LOGAN) Are ya gonna wash 'em first?
PETE: Wouldja give me the buggered...thank you. (puts on the
sunglasses and goes to great effort to stick the broom between his
buttcheeks, stands stiffly straight and says in his best American
accent) All right! I want everyone in the Danger Room in 20
seconds or you all get demerits. Logan, stop smirking. That's
five right there. I am NOT Cardboardman, Bobby, please stop
calling me that. Jean, stop laughing. Professor, make them stop
laughing....
TABITHA: (climbing into the shotgun seat next to HANK)
Are we there yet?
HANK: In this traffic? It will be several hours, my dear.
I suggest you entertain yourself with the others or put on some
music. NOT...Nine Inch Nails again. Please.
TABITHA: You're no fun. Why didn't we get Cable to use
his bodyslide field for us...?
RAVEN: He's still moping over the Rachel fiasco.
TABITHA: What about your girlfriend, Hank? Couldn't she
flash us in?
EMMA: Dr. Paranoid No-One-Must-Know-I'm-a-Mutant
Herself? Riiiiiight....
(PETE is starting to pass out over the table, his drunken manic
phase clearly over. LOGAN has his chin tucked into his chest,
his hat pulled over his eyes and his lit cigar hanging out of the
corner of his mouth.)
RAVEN: Aren't they cute...Pete's drool reminds me of
Sabretooth after dinner...What a memory. (grimaces)
EMMA: (checking her stock quotes on her laptop, logging in
with her cellular phone) There's an argument for amnesia. Or
memory implants.
RAVEN: Why not? You've done everything else.
HANK: (chuckling)
EMMA: What are you laughing at, Blue Boy?
HANK: Oh, nothing. I was just thinking of Jean.
TABITHA: Do we wanna go there?
RAVEN: Ladies and gentlemen, the topic is "implants" and
the name "Jean" was mentioned....
EMMA: Spill it, McCoy.
LOGAN: Jeanie ain't got no implants.
ALEX: It speaks!
RAVEN: And the question on all our enquiring minds
now is....How do you know?
TABITHA: Rachel, remember?
EMMA: (chastising tone) LOGAN, you bad boy, have
you been to the future again and didn't take us?
TABITHA: No way. Trust me. You seen the future
once, you seen it all.
EMMA: Your grammar is worse than the phone's.
Well, color me dubious. With all that orange spandex
squashing everything down, she certainly has unnatural
lift..
LOGAN: Telekinesis.
RAVEN: Damn good use for a mutant power, if I ever
heard one.
TABITHA: Oh, we've all had days like that. I mean, geez,
mine just popped out of my chest when Cable showed up.
EMMA: Not the reaction I would have had.
TABITHA: There was this AWFUL time when Sam and
I looked so much alike...people said we looked like chickens*
....that the only way you could tell us apart, is I have breasts!
Even then, we used to talk for each other. It was WAAAAY
confusing.
ALEX: I remember that! You guys all had little skinny noses
and rooster hair! And you were so short, too...(trying to
figure out the measurements with his hands and failing)....
like....what....Cable's kneecap?
RAVEN: That's better than having the tip of your nose
between your eyebrows.
(Everyone groans in sympathy)
HANK: You still have that problem over in X-Factor, don't
you, RAVEN?
RAVEN: It's gotten better, but not much. Vic seems to get
the worst of it. (No one seems to know whether to chuckle
or groan) His nose pokes out the center of his forehead. Oh,
yeah, and Bubbles.
TABITHA: Bubbles?
RAVEN: What we call Kyle. It's better than Chimp Boy,
I guess....
ALEX: The curse of Milgro--
(Everyone screeches) NO!
RAVEN: Don't say it out loud!
LOGAN: -bleeeep--, man, you'll have us all lookin' like
Creed!
(frantically, EMMA and the others are feeling their faces,
looking for mirrors)
PETE: Speakin' o' noses...(sitting up and blinking, wiping
drool from the side of his mouth--they all jump) Didn't you
used to not have one, mate?
LOGAN: (lips curls and he snarls, threateningly)
PETE: (oblivious, he's still so drunk) Enhanced senses,
advanced mutation....no nose. I don't get it.
LOGAN: (extrudes claws under PETE'S chin) My nose
....Jean's hair....Jubilee's age. Never ask.
CAPTION: RAVEN
Jean's hair.....hmmmm.....dare I say.....henna?
TABITHA: Are we THERE yet?
HANK: You would never know it, from this angle, but
....yes. We are. Presuming we can find a place to park
this...mobile apartment complex.
(The only thing visible of Disney World is the Epcot Center.
TABITHA is momentarily panicked and annoyed.)
TABITHA: Oh great! What a ripoff! The place has
disappeared like Magneto's memory or Cable's guns or
Wolvie's metal or....
EMMA: ...RAVEN'S virtue....
HANK: Enough, ladies. We just ride the trams in, that's
all.
RAVEN: Oh God...Four hours in a moving deathtrap with
two hairballs, a drunk, a teenybopper, Mr. Self Esteem and
the walking advertisement for Frederick's of Hollywood isn't
enough?!
(Clip of EMMA waving her charge card at the cashier, who
stops her and informs her she needs to put on clothes, as
this is a family establishment. He then stops cold in a catatonic
stare and EMMA grins, waving the others through the turnstiles.
LOGAN lights a cigar, and HANK pulls it out of his mouth.)
HANK: LOGAN, please. Think of the little ones.
LOGAN: (grumbles, but agrees)
(TABITHA is running around putting mouse ears on
everybody.)
TABITHA: Hey, if I have to wear the stupid things, so does
everybody else!
LOGAN: (wears the mouse ears as casually as he did
TABITHA'S panties. His "wings" don't know where to
go, though.)
(From nowhere, nearly twenty children, screaming and
laughing with delight, zero in on Logan. They pull at his
arms and his clothes, and two, an Asian boy and a girl of
African descent, scramble onto his back and cling to his neck.
He looks horribly depressed. Suddenly, also from nowhere,
"Cinderella" and "Belle" also descend upon him with not quite
Disney approved (or perhaps they were, from some scenes of
the Lion King) smiles and rub their faces against his sideburns.
He allows himself to be dragged miserably from the rest of
the group, looking something between a pull toy and the
Pied Piper.)
TABITHA: I don't get it.
PETE: Me neither.
RAVEN: Twenty minutes.
EMMA: Ten.
RAVEN: Fifty bucks?
EMMA: One hundred. No, two.
RAVEN: You're on.
TABITHA: Huh?
RAVEN: Just listen for the screams, kid.
TABITHA: Oh. (thinks about it. Stops cold) Hey! How
come =you= aren't dead?!
CAPTION: TABITHA
Everything was great, just great. PETE and ALEX and
HANK and I all went to the Teacups--
CAPTION: HANK
I wish Mr. Wisdom had taken up Logan's offer of deodorant...
CAPTION: ALEX
(totally depressed) I should have thought to bring mine.
CAPTION: TABITHA
RAVEN dragged EMMA off to the Dumbos, and LOGAN,
geez! He went through two Belles, three Cindys and a
couple of Snow Whites, at least.
(KABOOM!)
ALEX: I'm SORRY!!!
(Shards of a Teacup skitter across the ground.)
PETE: HUUUUUUUURK!
HANK: Oh my stars and--
TABITHA: My SHOES!
ALEX: I'm SORRY!!!!
HANK: Relax, ALEX, calm down. Just...get under
control.
ALEX: It's all my FAULT!
TABITHA: He puked on my SHOES!
PETE: HUUUUUURK!
ALEX: I'm SORRRRRRYYYYYY!!!!
TABITHA: EWWWWW....
ALEX: I'm ---
HANK: (to all of them at once) GET A GRIP!
(dead silence. They are all staring at him. They are
all waiting for orders, advice, a lecture, or even comfort)
HANK: (sighing with relief and annoyance) Now.
Did someone see the image inducer?
(sound bite: a woman screaming)
RAVEN: Fifteen minutes. I win. Pay up.
EMMA: It was not twenty minutes.
RAVEN: It went over ten. You lose. Pay up.
EMMA: I will not! You lost!
(Across the Park: KABOOM! Red and white polka
dot bits of fabric rain down on the park.)
TABITHA: ALEX!!!
ALEX: I"m SOOOORRRRRYYYYY!!
(The team assembles at the Winnebago, escorted by
Disney security, who smile and say "Have a happy
day" as they dump them through the turnstiles.)
HANK: Twenty five minutes. I must say, that' s a
record, even for the X-Men.
TABITHA: Well if ALEX hadn't blown up Minnie's
HOUSE....What were you doing in her closet, anyway?
ALEX: I'm--
RAVEN: We get the picture! Pay up!
EMMA: Drop dead.
TABITHA: I TOLD you we should have gone to
Universal Studios. (brightens) Haaaaaannnnk....
ALL: NO!
(LOGAN runs frantically for the Winnebago, peeling
children's fingers off his body as he jumps at the door.
Squeals of: "Bye Wolvie! We love you, Wolvie!
WAAAAAH! I want Wolvie!" are heard.)
LOGAN: (extruding claws at HANK and growling)
Drive. Now.
(The women of the group pulls LOGAN aboard, peeling
off children and costumed employees as Hank begins to
spin out. Clip of Pete passed out on the table, neck of
scotch bottle in his fist, newly lit cigarette in his slack mouth.)
LOGAN: Can knock down Sabes, Cyber and Genesis
and not even muss the hair....(collapses on the seat next
o Wisdom as the Winnebago roars away from Disney World.
He glances at the bottle, pries PETE'S fingers off it and
after wiping the lip, takes a long draught.)..what kills me
ev'ry time? Those flamin' kids! (He lights his cigar and
settles down for a nap. Pulls at the brim of his hat, but it's
not there. He's still wearing mouse ears. Grumbling softly,
he pulls them over his eyes.)
END
EMMA: (silence for about 4 seconds, then) Oh, please.
They haven't figured it out by now?
LOGAN: (stares)
SPACE GHOST: (stares)
LOGAN: (glares)
SPACE GHOST: (stares)
LOGAN: (stares)
SPACE GHOST: (stares)
LOGAN: (grumbling) You gonna talk 'r what?
SPACE GHOST: Is that a wig?
*With apologies to Phil Foster and his wonderful "Apocalype Soonish" parody...