Of course with it being nearly Christmas, there are always miracles
happening throughout the world, but everybody usually misses them.
Often these are little, almost insignificant things that are not
important like Victory in some long standing war or a cure for Cancer –
these are more personal and smaller things which still carry as much
personal and emotional impact. They could be little things that make
you smile like in the wonderment of some little girl's eyes when her
daddy takes her to see Father Christmas for the first time or how
beautiful the snow is when it falls silently from the sky onto the
ground, but everybody usually misses them.
I used to be like this. I would work all hours I could and more, often
charging around in desperation fighting through crowds often at the
last minute – even on occasions snatching presents from people's hands
when they were holding it in their own hands and clearly thinking about
buying it.
But my world crumbled when Michelle and the children left saying I was
not the man she married. I worked too often and too late into the night
and then started having a drink in the office – often just to keep me
going. Then it became two, then three and even four then the full
bottle and before I knew it I was in bars, pubs or wherever drinking
until I collapsed.
I do not remember much about those days. Apparently I sometimes used
to fight. Anyone, anytime, any place. I would fight and I would fight
damn fucking hard. It did not matter if I got beat into pulp or I
came away with my fists streaming with somebody else's blood. I was
back there same place, same bar and same situation each and every
bloody night.
I know this doesn't explain why I am sitting here in this hospital. I
know this doesn't explain why I saved some passing stranger in a ugly
pub fight only a few hours before, and am now visiting some dying girl
in a hospital ward that I have never met before but it is the only
thing that still makes sense.
I don't even remember what started it off. I'd been in the Ransom all
day on Whiskey Chasers and Pints of Extra Smooth, so you could argue I
was pretty well fucked out of my head – and then he walked in.
The Ransom if you don't know it is a real hard nuts pub. I've seen
several total strangers walk in that place and carried out in a body
bag for sneezing the wrong way. I am not going to say it is an evil
place or anything, it is just that sort of pub where you have to watch
what you are doing or indeed in most cases say.
But this guy was different, I don't know why but he just was. He was
dressed up as normal as you or me could be. He looked ordinary from his
hair cut right down to the boots he wore, but he didn't look normal.
Perhaps it was something in his eyes, or maybe slightly the way he
walked across the bar floor to the bar and said in a neutral voice to
Maggie behind the bar "A Pint of Smooth, please, love."
Do you know Maggie? Yeah, she's married to Cockney Dave, that's her.
She may look as soft as cheese, but underneath the soft, tempting eyes
are the eyes of a girl who doesn't take shit off anybody, in particular
anybody stupid enough to call her love. There are stories I could tell
you about her that would either make your blood boil or your hair curl,
but it looked like that stranger knew exactly what he was doing and
saying.
Dave came out towards with the stranger with Hastings and a few others
and had words with the stranger. Do you know Hastings? Believe me just
be glad you haven't heard off him. Any sane person would have backed
down and almost begged for their lives with their reputations but not
this guy. He just looked round at them and said with a taunting smile
"Call that an fucking army" and smacked Dave, straight in the mouth and
before I knew, Hastings and about six others had just piled into him
and I was pleading for his life with a chair and a half broken bottle
of Becks.
"She'll be ready soon," He said interrupting my thoughts.
"She'll be what?" I replied.
"She'll be ready soon," He repeated.
"I don't understand you" I answered "I can't believe I let you drag me
in here" I paused, looking down at the floor "I hate hospitals."
"You let me drag you here because deep down in your heart, you know you
wanted to be dragged here."
"No, I didn't, I have no idea who this girl is" I answered, my head
motionless from looking down at the floor "I don't even know what her
name is."
"Good point, Squire" A voice said from behind me.
"Constantine" the strange, turning round snarled.
"Raphael" Constantine smiled with a look at him I couldn't make up my
mind if he meant or not. "Smoke?" He carried on, reaching inside a
scruffy trench coat before finally producing a faded pack of silk cut
and lighting one and blowing it in Raphael's face.
"Constantine, you know we don't--" He began angrily.
"Bad day at the office, I take it then" He cut in before Raphael could
finish.
"I don't see what business it is of yours..." He began again.
"Don't bite my head off, old son. It ain't my fault that things are in
such a bloody mess up there...."
"Who are, who are you?" I asked finally.
"I'm John Constantine," He answered, "Smoke?"
"I'm Andy. Andy Nelson. I can't, I don't smoke."
"Any relation to Kent?" He asked, in-between puffs of his cigarette.
"No" I replied.
"Good" He paused "Because he always scared the shit out of me. Him and
that sodding helmet of his."
"Constantine" Raphael cut in "If you don't mind, I am here on official
business."
"Okay, who shook your rattle today, mate?" He taunted. "Has Uriel or
Michael been tormenting you again?"
"My brothers and I--" he snapped.
"What-ever" Constantine cut in again, then turned to me "I'd watch him,
mate. You know what they say about bloody Angels..."
"He's, he's a angel," I spluttered in shock.
"He hasn't told you, has he?" Constantine answered looking surprised
"Doesn't really surprise me that. Some bloody Angel he is. I bet he
walked into the pub you were in, caused some fight and dragged you into
the middle of it."
"How did you know?"
"I knew it" He gleamed "Raphael here--" He started.
"Constantine" Raphael tried again.
"Raphael here" Constantine started again, ignoring the threats that
were gleaming out of Raphael's dagger-like eyes "Is that rare sort of
breed of Angel, mate that makes as many mistakes as us humans do, and
every time he does that, he does what you and me would do in a similar
situation i.e. go to the nearest pub and drink yourself into the ground
and fight with every and any poor bastard that goes anywhere near you."
"Constantine" Raphael growled, clearly getting pissed off.
"It's true, mate," He answered, before lighting up another cigarette, "
I can remember hearing about you that time in Islington. Made a right
fuck up of things that night, didn't you? You must have stood out for
fucking miles when you...."
"Constantine, I would love to sit here all day and talk to you, but as
I said before I am here on official business."
"And you, squire?" He said looking at me.
"I, I don't know" I answered, "It's all a big blur – I'm not sure."
"You've bought him here to show him something haven't you, Raphael?" He
answered.
Raphael nodded.
"It's that girl, isn't it?" Constantine said, "Poor little bugger."
"What do you mean?"
"Andy, I wasn't planning to bring you originally with me tonight"
Raphael began sitting down next to me. "I don't normally bring mortals
with me on my job. The boss doesn't like this sort of thing normally,
causes disbelief or something, but I have not bought you here to watch
this girl die. Watching her die is not the answer to your problems. It
can only make things worse."
"Why bring me here, then?" I replied looking at Constantine with some
amount of fear as he lit up another cigarette.
"No, it's not just that" Raphael answered, getting onto his feet "Come
with me."
"Where are you going?"
Constantine said, "Come on, bound to be a laugh."
"What do you mean?" I said.
"I've got somebody I want you to meet." Raphael began.
"It's that girl?" I spluttered.
"Yes" Raphael said.
"Poor kid" Constantine said, rolling around cigarette.
"You don't know the half of it" Raphael said as he opened another door.
"Should we be doing this?" I asked.
"They can't see us "Raphael said opening another door. They carried on
walking through several more wards until Raphael stopped.
The girl was only 7 or 8 with what was once a pretty little freckled
face but which was now covered in tubes and wires and more tubes and
wires.
"What's up with her?" I spluttered.
"Cancer" Constantine spluttered out before Raphael could answer "She's
got bloody cancer."
Raphael nodded.
I swore under my breathe.
"This is what I bought you to see, Andy" Raphael said.
"To watch her die?" I countered.
"No" He countered "I bought you here because I want you to realise I
am going through the same torment as you, as is Constantine."
"No, I ain't " Constantine answered.
"Newcastle," Raphael snapped.
Constantine didn't reply.
"Newcastle?"
"We all make mistakes, Andy" Raphael answered, "Constantine's was
sending an innocent to hell."
"Jesus" I said.
"Wrong way, squire" Constantine answered, "Wrong bloody way."
"The difference being for me, our mistakes are a lot bigger and worse.
Why do you think I was in that pub? I had just made a terrible,
terrible mistake and was trying to wash it away like you."
"What about the kid? She's done nothing wrong." I said.
"True, true" Constantine said, lighting up another cigarette. "But she
can't change her destiny. You can.
"That's why I bought you here," Raphael said, "Louise here cannot
change her destiny. She'll probably be dead before she turns 9. You
can. You can walk away from your past."
"No, I can't. Hastings'll rip my head off next time he sees me.
Everyone knows Hastings"
"Bollocks, old son" Constantine cut in "You can move house, move town
or maybe even move country. I cannot drop everything and tell myself
everything will be all right. I killed someone. I took their life. I
took someone's bloody life that was a sodding innocent. That's not
something you can walk away from. Everytime I see a kid walking up the
road who was her age, sometimes I end up asking myself if I hadn't done
what I did in Newcastle... Could she have had a kid, perhaps maybe
towards this girl's age by now?"
"Nobody's perfect" I answered finally.
"But that's the full problem, Andy. That's the full problem"
Constantine said, walking away slowly.
I turned to face Raphael but he had gone.
So that is my story. And now I find myself returning to the very place
where I started. I'd like to be able to tell you I lived happily ever
after. Maybe ever returned to the way my life was before I started
drinking. However this was only the beginning, but the beginning to
what?
The dying girl in that hospital ward did not shake me back into
reality. It drove me further away into the edge and started me thinking.
I began to question myself, society, my very place in it, how that poor
girl in that hospital lasted as long as she did with the pain she was
suffering.
And oh, those miracles, yeah, you know those miracles I was rambling on
back at the beginning of this tale, I guess the miracle is she lasted
as long as she did. Why did she last so long in constant agony? Why did
God make her suffer as long as she did? Is the after world a paradise
or is it just filled with the frustrations and sadness that follows up
beyond the grave?
Happy Christmas.
(Sigh)
(Click here to visit
Andy's website).