Reunions Pt. 36
by anon462
Spike sat with Dawn still in his lap, his head bent as silent tears ran
down his face. Confusing thoughts raced through his mind, thoughts that
hurt beyond measure, thoughts that urged the fragile seed of hope to
grow. Thoughts of his willingness to do anything for Buffy, to die for
her, to stay away from her, to do whatever would make her life happy.
He thought of those last moments in the Hellmouth as the amulet burned
him to ashes and brought the whole of Sunnydale crashing down. How he
had laughed with joy at the thought that *this time* he had saved her,
*this time* Buffy would live. He thought of his sudden return, as a
ghost, in Angel's office. Of his inability to contact or go to Buffy,
his feelings of helplessness. Thoughts of Angel refusing to help him,
refusing to help Spike intrude into Buffy's life again, to spoil her
chance at happiness. The memory of regaining his physical body, how he
had grabbed hold of the first person available, Harmony, and attempted
to have sex with her, to feel alive again. The shame and remorse that
had flooded through him later, feeling that he had betrayed Buffy by
his actions.
Remembering how he had battled inside himself, wanting to go to her, be
with her, mixed with thoughts of despair, thinking that having died for
her, to give her a chance to be happy, how could he step back into her
life and bring her pain. The memory of Andrew telling him that Buffy
was living in Rome and had moved on with her life, without him, and
that she was happy. Going to Rome with Angel and seeing Buffy at a
distance, seeing how happy she seemed to be with her new life, without
him. His decision to do what was right, not what he wanted, to stay
away and not let Buffy know he was back. Making Andrew promise not to
tell her, to keep the secret, to not hurt Buffy again.
The memory of learning from Mar-Hool, after the battle with the S.P's
demon army, as he was being healed, that his soul was gone, had been
burned out of him by the amulet at the Hellmouth. Confusion over why he
hadn't even realized it was gone. Certain knowledge that *now* he could
never let Buffy know he was alive, without a soul, without a chip,
without redemption. His vow to himself to never betray Buffy again, her
belief that he could be a good man, even though he wasn't a man, just a
soulless monster. Holding on to his feelings of shame, guilt, and
remorse. Using them in place of a soul, to guide him to do right, to do
good, to not be just a soulless monster ever again.
The memory of his early days with Tyrone, helping to save the children,
the homeless, the helpless. Helping to save them from the monsters in
the night, monsters like him. Doing everything he could, to make up for
his past sins. Defending the helpless, the innocent, those in need,
human or demon alike. Trying every day to be a good man, to do what was
right. Slowly making friends, with humans and demons, using these
friendships to build up a network of mutual friendship between them.
Finding Joy. Finding trust, acceptance, love. Letting himself love Joy,
his children, his friends. Learning to build a new life, without Buffy.
But always with Buffy in his heart and his mind. Using thoughts of her
to guide him to do what was right, in place of a soul. Using his guilt,
shame, and remorse over what he had tried to do to her, how he had hurt
her, as a way to strengthen himself against the evil he knew was inside
of him. Always trying to do the right thing. Always feeling he could
have, should have, done better, done more. Always trying to be what
Buffy had wanted him to be, a good man.
For seven years, eight if you counted time from the destruction of the
Hellmouth, he had tried to do what was right, for Buffy. Not always
what he wanted to do, but what was right. Every day he'd thought of
her. Thought of the times he had spent with her, both good and bad, and
how those moments had made his unlife worth living. Every day he
thought of the horror of those few minutes in her bathroom, what he
tried to do, how he had hurt her. Every day he thought of those last
weeks together. Trying to be there for her, to give her his support,
his strength, his soul, trying to make amends. Confessing his continued
love for her, but telling her he didn't expect anything from her in
return. Seeing her with Angel, finally accepting the futility of hope.
Spending that last night with her, accepting her gift of letting him
love her for a final moment. Hearing her say she loved him as he burned
within, knowing it wasn't true, that it was just a final gesture.
Telling her he knew it wasn't true, but thanking her for saying it. Not
wanting to die with a lie of hope in his heart. Not wanting Buffy to
remember that their final moment together was a lie. Every day he
thought about how Buffy had moved on with her life, had found
happiness, was living the life she had always wanted. Every day, every
month, every year that went by, the thought of her being happy gave him
the strength to go on, the courage to continue with his determination
to keep his return a secret. Every day his love for her had remained a
constant within his heart.
Now, everything was different, and he didn't know how to deal with the
changes. Learning from Willow that Buffy had grieved for him after the
Hellmouth had actually brought a slight sense of happiness to his
heart. Happiness from the thought that she'd had some feelings for him.
But learning from Dawn of the depth of her grief and that she had felt
compelled to hide it, to pretend to be happy for her friends, that tore
at his heart.
Learning from Dawn that while he lay deep below the surface in the
caves of the Hool, protected by strong magic spells against detection,
Buffy had driven herself and all those with her to search the city for
him. Months after his injuries, when he was again able to return to the
surface, he had been told that a search had taken place for him after
the battle. He had always assumed that it was the minions of the Senior
Partners that had searched for him. The thought that Buffy would search
for him, or that Rupert Giles would allow so many others to help in the
search, had never crossed his mind.
Having Dawn tell him of Buffy's grief, depression and suicide attempts
was beyond his ability to understand. Being told of her open admission
of love for him was beyond his ability to believe. Buffy had never
openly admitted to having any feelings for him, and now he was supposed
to believe that after his apparent death she wanted to die to be with
him. None of this made any sense to Spike. For him to behave in such a
way, that he could understand. God knows that after Buffy's death, if
it
hadn't been for Dawn and his promise to protect her, he would have
walked into the sun. But to hear that Buffy had acted in a similar
manner was beyond comprehension. Now Dawn tells him that if he doesn't
love Buffy, if he doesn't let Buffy love him, she will let herself fade
away, die.
It's too much, too much, too much. Loving Buffy had always been the
easiest, and the hardest, thing for him to do. The memory of his first
dream about Buffy, the dream where he first realized he was in love
with her, flashed through his mind. From that day on his life had
changed so much, he'd changed so much. Memories of the thousand and one
things about her that made him love her so much paraded through his
mind. The laugh, the smile, a tear, the lost look in her eyes. So many
things that made him love her. These thoughts were followed by memories
of her anger, her hate, the abuse, the rejection of his feelings, of
his love for her. But all these memories, both the good and the bad,
were all part of the whole memory of Buffy, the Buffy he loved and
would always love, until the end of the world.
Thoughts of the years he'd stayed hidden from her, not wanting her to
know he was alive, or undead, marched forward. Thinking that she had
moved on with her life and that she was happy, that's how he'd survived
these past years. Now being told that she hadn't been happy, that she
hadn't moved on with her life, that she had been depressed and
suicidal, that she had wanted to die, and that it was all his fault.
No, not fair, no one had said it was his fault. No one had blamed him.
But no one had told him the truth either. Dawn had wanted to, but he
hadn't let her. The others hadn't wanted him to know, they wanted their
secrets. No, not fair, he'd heard them talking, they'd said the secrets
were Buffy's, not theirs to tell. What would Buffy think when she found
out he knew? What if she hadn't wanted him to know? She hadn't said
anything to him about it. Of course he hadn't given her a chance to
either, he'd run away from her again, he'd hurt her again. God, what
should he do? What could he do? Was there even a choice?
***
Dawn had sat in Spike's lap staying quiet. She'd watched the tears run
down his face and drip down onto his chest. She'd wanted to say
something, do something, to soothe him, to make him feel better, but
she
didn't know what. Dumping everything on him all at once hadn't been
fair and she knew it. But what choice had she had? Spike had to know
the truth or Buffy was going to die. Dawn knew that Spike loved Buffy
and she knew that Buffy loved Spike. Why couldn't the two of them
realize it and just get on with loving each other? God, loving someone
the way the two of them loved each other was so painful. The thought
flashed through her mind that she hoped she never loved anyone that
much, it would kill her. This thought was immediately followed by the
realization that the first thought was a lie. More than anything she
hoped that someday she would meet someone who would love her as much as
Spike loved Buffy and that she would have the chance to return that
love in the same way.
After the tears had stopped and Spike had continued to stare down at
nothing, Dawn became concerned that he was brooding. Brooding as far as
Dawn was concerned was really bad for vampires, with or without souls.
She also realized that it was getting late and that she had been away
from Buffy for too long. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly
helped her to stay calm and focus. "Spike, what time is it?" she asked
quietly.
Spike lifted his head and looked at Dawn, his eyes slightly out of
focus. It took him several moments to bring things back together and
process her question. Tilting his head to one side he looked over at
the open doorway leading outside and thought for a few moments.
"Getting toward noon I'd think" his voice a raspy whisper.
"We'd better go then" Dawn said as she lifted her hand and gently
brushed her fingers across the side of his face. "We need to get back.
I forgot to tell you, Kar-Hool wanted me to remind you, his father is
due soon."
"Oh? Yeah, Mar-Hool. Kind of slipped my mind with everything else going
on" Spike said, his voice still a little raspy. "Wouldn't be right to
insult him, not being there, he's a good one."
Spike gave Dawn help getting out of his lap and standing up, she in
return gave him a hand getting to his feet. Both of them stood there
for a few moments feeling a little wobbly on their feet. Dawn walked
over to the door leading outside and closed it, locking it. Spike
waited for her at the doorway leading out into the warehouse. As soon
as they were together Dawn slipped one arm around his waist. Spike
raised his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. Together, hip to
hip, they walked back into the warehouse, back to rejoin the others.
After just a minute or so, Spike looked over to Dawn with an open
question in his eyes. He gave her shoulder a squeeze to draw her
attention and when she looked over at him, he asked in a serious tone
of voice "Niblet, tell me, why the stake?"
Dawn blushed a dark red and hung her head to hide her face. In a
hesitant voice she replied "Cause I'm stupid."
Dawn realized that wasn't an honest answer and lifting her head she
looked over at Spike with a crooked smile of embarrassment, then told
him the truth. "Spike, I'm not stupid. I've got a double masters degree
from Oxford and I'm working on my Ph.D.. I'm fluent in a dozen dead and
modern languages, both human and demon, and I'm near fluent in a dozen
more. But whenever I'm around you it seems like I'm fourteen again and
I do stupid things." Dawn looked into Spike's eyes and could read in
them that he accepted what she'd said, but wanted the rest of the
answer. "I don't know why, but somehow I got it in my head that I
needed to have a stake in my hand when I talked to you. It wasn't to
hurt you, honest." Dawn could see that Spike believed her. "It was more
like I thought that I'd have to threaten you to make you talk to me.
But I wouldn't have used it Spike, never." Letting out a big sigh, Dawn
continued "So, like I said, sometimes I'm just stupid, and I don't know
why."
They walked on for another minute before Spike finally spoke. "It's
because of Buffy, and the comfort zone." Dawn looked over at Spike with
a puzzled look on her face, clearly not understanding. Spike stopped
and dropping his arm from around Dawn's shoulder he moved in front of
her and took both of her hand into his. He then took a deep breath and
explained as he looked into Dawn eyes. "You know I love you, right?"
Dawn nodded her head "and you love me. You also know that I love Buffy,
more than life itself." When Dawn nodded her head in agreement again,
Spike continued with his explanation. "So we found a comfort zone. A
place where it's alright for us to love each other. When I look at you,
I don't see you as a gorgeous young woman that under any other
circumstances might tempt me to the steamy side of my nature, I see my
Niblet, the fourteen year old girl I took care of one summer and
learned to love like a sister. When you look at me, you see this
romantically handsome bloke with a Big Bad attitude that's in love with
your sister and treats you like a person instead of a little girl, and
that you think of as a big brother."
"More like a big bother" Dawn snarked back. Spike let himself slip
into a frown, but his eyes were happy, so Dawn knew she hadn't really
hurt his feelings.
"See, that's what I'm talking about, Bit" Spike said with a smile on
his face. "We've got this safe place between us that makes it alright
for us to love each other, our comfort zone."
"Okay, I can see what you're saying and you're probably right" Dawn
said
with a thoughtful look on her face. "But it still doesn't explain why I
keep acting like an idiot around you."
"Not like an idiot, Love. Like a fourteen year old girl" Spike said as
he gave both of Dawn's hands a reassuring squeeze. "We've been apart so
long that we just slipped back into our old comfort zone, that's all.
Once we find a new one, with you being all grown up and womanly and me
not so much the Big Bad with an attitude, we'll be fine again."
Dawn thought about what Spike had said for a few moments and then
asked, "Do we have to give it all up? The snarks, the attitude,
teaching me how to cheat at cards, hotwiring cars, shoplifting,
breaking and entering, the fun things?"
"I hope you never told Buffy about that stuff, that'd be reason enough
for her to stake me" Spike said with a crooked grin on his face.
"No, I never told her, but I did teach her how to cheat at cards" Dawn
said with a big smile on her face. "So if you ever play with her,
you've been warned."
(03/25/05)