Reunions Pt. 39
by anon462
Even though he
didn't need to, Spike couldn't stop himself from taking
a deep breath as he entered the large open warehouse. Nine of the
younger children and two of the older ones preceded him down the
hallway. Dawn was on his right, holding his hand tightly, Linda was on
his left, not touching him, but when he glanced her way she smiled.
Rosa and Jake were behind him for additional support. Spike was feeling
apprehensive about entering a room full of Slayers and Watchers that
now knew he was soulless. A part of his mind was telling him that he
was being a bloody ponce to worry, more than two-thirds of the people
present were his children and friends. But, another part of his mind
wouldn't stop reminding him that Slayers and Watchers felt it was their
sacred duty and destiny to kill soulless vampires on sight. It also
kept reminding him that there were a number of people in the room that
had hated him in the past and two that had plotted to murder him even
when he had a soul.
Because of Joy's
ability to touch the minds and sense the emotions of
others, Spike had felt relatively safe in his previous contacts with
Willow, Faith and Woods. But previously they had thought he had a soul.
Willow's confession that she had come looking for him in the first
place
to determine if he had a soul or not, and that she had been ready to
risk her own life and the lives of her slayers in order to kill him, if
he was soulless, kept moving through his thoughts. Could he really
trust any of them, besides Dawn? Sure, they had given their word not to
break the peace, but they'd given their word when they still thought he
had a soul. Would they honor their word now that they knew he was
soulless? A slight tremor of anxiety passed through his body as he made
the final step out into the room where everyone could see that he had
arrived.
Dawn had
apparently felt the tremor because she gave his hand another
hard squeeze before she released it. She then took a step forward to
place herself in advance of Spike. Linda, on his left, also took a step
forward, while Rosa and Jake moved up beside him. Dawn hadn't planned
or discussed her movements with the others, but instinctively the four
of them had moved into guarding positions on both of Spike's flanks.
Their heads turned and their eyes scanned the room before them looking
for any indication of threat.
A half dozen of Spike's older children, and two of the visiting adults
that had come with Anne, noticed the defensive positions that Dawn and
the others had taken around Spike. Without needing to say a word to
each other they walked from where they had been standing and talking to
each other and placed themselves around Spike. Others in the room were
drawn by the movement of a dozen people and noticed right away that
they were flanking Spike in a defensive manner.
The noise in the
room, of over a hundred people talking and moving
about, ground to a halt. Some of the younger teens, and a few of the
women that had come with Anne, started quietly moving the younger
children toward the back of the room. All of the older kids and the
adults that had come with Anne broke off their conversations with the
Slayers that had intermixed with them and started moving toward Spike
quietly. The Slayers seemed to be surprised by their actions and for
the most part stood where they were, not knowing if there was a danger
or not, uncertain if they should move to rejoin the rest of the Slayers
and Watchers.
Andrew, who had
been talking with two of the boys, sized the situation
up quickly and without any noticeable hesitation walked over to Spike's
group and took a place standing next to Dawn. Glancing over at Spike,
Andrew gave him a tight smile. Spike gave Andrew a slight nod of his
head to show his gratitude toward Andrew for his action. The next
person that moved toward Spike's group had Spike's eyes opening in
amazement. Xander calmly crossed the floor and took up a position
standing next to Linda. Looking over at the surprised look on Spike's
face, Xander gave him a big smirky grin, then folded his arms across
his chest as he looked back across the room at the rest of the Slayers
and Watchers.
Spike had noticed Buffy's position as soon as he entered the room.
Buffy
was holding Joy's hand and was surrounded by her friends, Anne,
Kar-Hool
and a Kaquasec demon he recognized as Sh'Tar, the matriarch of the
Kaquasec. When the room had suddenly become quiet, Sh'Tar had started
glancing around the room nervously. Anne took Sh'Tar's hand to calm her
and led her back several yards from Buffy's position. Kar-Hool had
looked toward Spike and had started to take a step toward him,
hesitated, then moved back to stand with Anne and Sh'Tar.
Joy looked up at
Buffy, smiled at her, then releasing her hand she
turned and started running toward Spike. When she was still about ten
feet from him she jumped up into the air. Spike took a step forward and
caught Joy around the waist, then pulled her against him in a hug. Joy
wrapped her legs around Spike's waist and her arms around his neck and
started cooing and chirping loudly. Tension seemed to melt out of
Spike's shoulders and a smile spread across his face as he cooed back
to
Joy. A visible wave of relief spread through all those standing around
him.
Buffy followed
after Joy but stopped about a half dozen feet away from
Spike. Looking at him, seeing his love for Joy on his face, seeing the
love for him on the faces of his children and friends, Buffy felt her
own love for Spike swell inside her chest. Deep inside of her mind, her
heart, her soul, Buffy felt all of her love for Spike merge together.
As she stood there watching him, smiling at him, she promised herself,
and him, that she would do whatever she had to do to prove to him,
convince him, that she truly did love him and wanted to be with him,
'until the end of the world'.
Slowly Buffy
crossed the last few feet between her and Spike. Stopping
in front of him she smiled as he stared at her. Joy twisted in Spike's
arms; keeping one arm wrapped around his neck, she leaned out and
wrapped her other arm around Buffy's neck and pulled her into a hug
that
brought Buffy tight up against Spike. Hesitantly, Buffy wrapped her
arms around both Joy and Spike as she buried her face into his chest
and neck. When she felt Spike's arm come up and wrap around her
shoulder, pulling her in tighter, a sense of longing, fulfilled, made
her whole body shudder with pleasure. When Spike bent his head down and
kissed Buffy's forehead a flush of desire spread through her body.
Blushing a bright shade of red she tried to hide her face against
Spike's chest for a few moments, then realizing that she wasn't the
least bit ashamed of her desires, Buffy lifted her head so that she
could see Spike's face and gave him a smile so filled with love it was
stunning.
Looking up into Spike's eyes, Buffy could see that there was still
uncertainty, and even fear, still there. She realized that Anne had
been right. Buffy would have to convince Spike that she loved him. She
would have to tear down the barriers between them, but at the same time
being careful not to damage or bring more pain to either of them in the
process. Too much of their time in the past had been layered with pain.
More than anything Buffy wanted to convince Spike that she loved him
and that it was safe for him to love her, again.
***
When Joy had
reached out and pulled Buffy by the neck into a three-way
hug she had also opened a link to Buffy's emotions. It wasn't a link to
her thoughts, Joy wasn't sure either of them could deal with the inner
insecurities that seemed to fill both of their minds when they were
close to each other. It was a link to what Buffy was feeling at the
moment as she hesitantly wrapped her arms around both Joy and Spike.
Joy let Spike feel what Buffy was feeling, her hesitation, her fear of
rejection, but also her overwhelming desire to be nowhere else but in
his arms. When Spike wrapped his arm around Buffy and pulled her in
tighter against his chest, Joy let him feel the full force of Buffy's
joy at being in his arms. She also let him feel the wave of passion and
desire that swept through her. He felt the embarrassment that caused
Buffy to blush when he kissed her forehead, but he also felt that there
was no shame in her reaction. When Buffy lifted her face to look into
Spike's eyes, he not only saw the look of love on her face and in her
eyes, he felt it too.
What Joy didn't
do was to open a link between Spike and Buffy so that
she could feel what he was feeling. Joy could read Spike's feelings and
while she could sense his deep love for Buffy, she could also sense his
fear and uncertainty. 'Father' was afraid to let the full force of his
feelings for 'Mother' break free. Joy knew that 'Father' had built
strong walls around his feelings for 'Mother'. That these feelings had
been buttressed by his feelings of guilt and remorse over the years.
'Father' had convinced himself long ago that staying away from 'Mother'
was the only thing he could do to assure that she would be happy. But
now that 'Sister' had told him the full truth about 'Mother', he was
confused and uncertain. If he didn't allow himself to love 'Mother' she
might slip away and die. If he allowed himself to love her again, he
was deeply afraid that he would hurt her, and himself, and bring both
of them nothing but pain.
Joy wasn't at all
certain what to do next. Even though she was very
smart, and would one day be a god, she was still only eight years old.
She could read 'Mother's' deepest emotions and could tell that for the
most part they concentrated on two paths. One was her fear that
'Father' would not return her love and that he would be lost to her
forever. The emptiness at the end of that path of thought was
frightening. The other path of thought was filled with an overwhelming
love and need for 'Father' to be a part of her life again. Joy could
sense 'Mother's' determination to convince 'Father' that she loved him.
Joy felt certain that if she helped 'Mother', if she let 'Father' feel
what 'Mother' was feeling about him, her love for him, that 'Father'
would eventually see the truth.
What Joy wasn't
certain of was how to help 'Mother' understand what
'Father' was feeling. Joy knew that 'Father's' emotions when it came to
'Mother' had always been stormy, but since her arrival the night before
his thoughts and emotions had been a veritable hurricane of crashing
conflicting pounding turmoil. Joy was very afraid that if she let
'Mother' feel what 'Father' was feeling, the intensity would be more
than she could deal with and it would frighten her. 'Father's' thoughts
and feelings had always been more complex than anyone else's, except
for his feelings for Joy, which were pure and unconditional love. The
complexity came from the fact that 'Father' could have so many
conflicting thoughts and emotions going on inside his head at one time.
Joy had been so
focused on the emotions that were going on inside of
Spike and Buffy that she completely forgot about everyone else in the
room. But after a minute, or maybe two, of them staring into each
other's eyes without saying anything, the emotions of those around them
started to press in on her. Reaching out she let herself feel the
gestalt of all those in the room. She could feel the fear and concern
of the younger children who didn't really understand what was going on
with 'Father' and the woman that had come to visit him. She could feel
the love and concern of the older children as they pressed in around
'Father' to give him their full support. The love and concern of
'Father's' friends was also present. Reaching out past them Joy let
herself feel the emotions of all those that had come with 'Mother'.
Except for the one that 'Father' called Angelus, everyone in the room
seemed to accept and support what was happening between 'Father' and
'Mother', and even the one wasn't hostile, it was more of a state of
confusion. Angelus couldn't seem to wrap his mind around how 'Father'
could be loved and trusted by so many people when they knew he didn't
have a soul.
Reaching into the
minds of both Spike and Buffy, Joy let them both feel
the fear, love, concern and support of all those in the room. She even
made sure that 'Father' felt the confusion that was taking place inside
the mind of Angelus. Speaking inside Spike's mind, but letting Buffy
hear her thoughts, Joy said, *Father, you need to calm the young ones,
they don't understand what is happening and they are afraid for you.
All of the others need to be reassured too, they are worried about both
of you. Sh'Tar and her sisters are very frightened, I need to go to
them. You need to greet them too, Father, they were very brave to come
here today. Other 'Friends' will be arriving soon with 'Grandfather',
you will need to greet them when they arrive. You also need to talk to
Mother, but there isn't the time right now. Promise her that you will
talk to her. Mother trusts you, Father, she will believe you if you
promise.*
***
When Joy slipped
out of both of their minds, Spike and Buffy became
fully aware of all the people gathered around them. They were still in
a three-way hug with Joy, holding on to each other tightly. Buffy was
the first to loosen her hold, but she didn't back away. Spike was the
first to try to speak, his voice was thick with emotion as he spoke in
a near whisper that only she could hear. "Slay.... Buffy, I know we need
to talk, it's just that ...., I promise we'll talk, but I need to ..."
Buffy stopped Spike from saying anymore by placing her finger tips on
his lips. When she spoke it was also in a whisper for his ears only. "I
understand, Spike, you have responsibilities, and people that love you
to take care of right now. But Spike, I'm one of those people too, I do
love you, with all my heart."
Spike didn't say
anything when Buffy said that she loved him, but there
was something in his eyes that made her think that he might have
believed her this time. There was also a small smile that came to his
lips briefly. When Spike loosened his hold on her, Buffy took a step
back. Spike was still holding Joy in his arms. Buffy watched him look
into Joy's eyes for a moment, watched him give her a quick kiss on the
cheek, then set her down on the floor. When Spike lifted his face from
looking down at Joy, it was as if a whole different person was standing
there from the one of a few moments before.
Spike had a big
smile on his face and there was a twinkle of merriment
in his eyes. When he started speaking his voice sounded happy. "Hey now
children, this is supposed to be a party isn't it? Where's the music
and
the dancing? There should be games for my baby, we're suppose to be
having fun here, aren't we?"
***
Buffy didn't
ignore her own friends, she turned to them with a smile on
her face and started reassuring all of them that everything was fine,
that she and Spike were going to talk soon, that they had some things
to work out between them, but everything was okay now. But even as
Buffy talked to her friends and fellow slayers she kept an eye on
Spike. She watched as he started turning to the people around him,
reaching out and touching his children to assure them that everything
was alright now. Shaking hands and slapping shoulders or giving hugs
and kisses to his friends that had come with Anne. She saw him reach
out and cup Dawn's cheek then give her a quick kiss. Watched him shake
Andrew's hand then pull him in for a quick hug. Saw him shake Xander's
hand as they exchanged a few words and saw both of them smile at each
other. She watched the tension ease out of his children and his
friends.
As Spike moved
through the crowd around him, Dawn moved up next to
Buffy and putting her arm around Buffy's shoulder gave her a hug.
Together they watched Spike and the people he loved, and the love they
gave him in return. When he finally worked his way through the crowd
they watched as he dropped to his knees amongst his youngest children.
He was reaching out and touching them, hugging them, kissing them,
giving them his love and making them feel loved and happy.
***
Giles had also
been watching Spike closely as he moved amongst his
children and friends. Moving to stand next to Buffy, in a subdued but
steady voice, he said "Watching Spike like this, I have to wonder, if
possibly I ...., if all of us, had treated him just a little differently
...., if things might have turned out ..... differently?" Glancing over at
Buffy, Giles could see that he had her attention. He also noticed that
Dawn and Willow were both listening to what he had to say. "I'm not
certain what I'm trying to say right now. It's just that ..... when I
think back on all those times that Spike did certain things, things
that should have been impossible for a soulless vampire, even one with
a chip in his head, I have to wonder? I wonder how things might have
been different, ... if we'd tried to help him instead of always expecting
the worst from him?"
Buffy let out a
sigh of breath, then gave Giles a small sad smile. "I
know what you're saying, Giles. I've 'if'd' my past with Spike a
thousand-thousand times. If only I'd done this, if only I'd done that,
if only, if only, if only. I don't think there is an answer. We all
behaved the way we did for our own reasons, most of them out of fear.
All I can say is that for me, one of my biggest regrets -- not the
biggest, but one of them -- is that I used to throw it into his face
that
he wasn't capable of love because he was soulless. I knew I was wrong
when I was saying it, I knew I was lying to myself, but I couldn't face
the truth back then. But all you have to do is look around this room
and you can see that for Spike, it doesn't take a soul for him to love,
or be loved. I just hope it's not to late for me to make him believe
that I understand that now."
Dawn heard the
catch in Buffy's voice as she finished speaking and
immediately wrapped her arm around Buffy's shoulder and hugged her.
"It's not too late, Buffy, I know it isn't. Spike still loves you, as
much as he ever did, maybe even more. But, .... he's confused, and I
think he's a little afraid. Okay, maybe a lot afraid. Spike's been
telling himself for over seven years that you moved on with your life,
that you were happy." Dawn paused for a moment to see if Andrew was
anywhere nearby and might hear what she was saying. Once she spotted
him halfway across the room she continued talking. "Look, don't tell
Andrew this, but I don't think Spike ever really thought that Andrew
would keep his secret about being back and in L.A. with Angel. He
didn't really understand how important it was to Andrew to keep his
promise to Spike. So, when no one -- you, me, or anyone else -- tried
to
contact him after Andrew saw him the first time, it just sort of sucked
the hope out of him. Then when he came to Rome with Angel and Andrew
told them you'd moved on with your life, that you were dating 'The
Immortal', and that you were in love and happy, well, I think that's
when he gave up on being a part of your life."
Seeing the hurt
in Buffy's eyes, Dawn hurried on, "Buffy, don't you
understand? Spike really really hates 'The Immortal'. But he loved you
so much, and wanted you to be happy so much, that he thought the only
way he could help you to be happy was to stay out of your life. The
happy life you were making without him in it. He thought you knew he
was back, and didn't care. That you were happy with your new life and
didn't want him to be a part of it."
"After the fight
with the SP's, Spike was injured really bad and it
took months for him to heal and recover. By the time he was able to
leave the Hool caves and come back to the surface, it had been months
since we'd searched for him. When he heard rumors of people searching
for him and the rest of the AI gang right after the fight, he thought
it was the SP's looking for him. He never even thought about it being
us, because there wasn't any of us around -- no Watchers, no Slayers,
nobody. He didn't know why, but he thought that we'd just written the
city off and were leaving it to the SP's to take over again. So he did
the only thing he could do, he started helping the children and the
homeless people on the streets, protecting them from vampires and
demons. When he found out that the SP's were trying to reestablish
themselves in L.A. and take control of the demon clans again, he
started working against them too. He's helped hundred and hundreds of
humans and probably thousands of demons over the years. He's made
friends all over the city and inside the demon clans and has gotten
them to work together against the SP's a bunch of times."
"But Buffy, I
think there's something you really need to understand.
I'm not saying that Spike wouldn't have done all the things he did
anyway, but I think that a part of the reason he did some of the things
he's done is that he never stopped loving you and he didn't want to
disappoint you. You told him once that you 'believed in him', that you
believed that he could be a 'good man'. I think that Spike wanted to
prove to you, and to himself, that even though he doesn't have a soul
anymore he can still be a 'good man'."
*********************
(11/06)