Douglas Ramsey's Diary [11/18]

by Benway

Warning: This story is not very nice, but then the 
world isn't very nice either. If want escape, read 
elsewhere. This story is not intended for children
of any age.

Some characters in this story belong to Marvel. 
Everything else belongs to me.


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April 2/89

I have started to hang around with the gay kids. 
Kerry is a goth, whatever that means. It seems to 
involve a lot of feeling sorry for yourself, while 
wearing ripped black fancy clothing. I can tolerate 
them better than the others, as long as I don't 
look into their faces. They give me some time, but 
I can Feel that they need to get away from the rest 
of us at least some of the time. The place is like 
a magnet, with them at one pole and Glenn, Dave, and 
Anne-Marie at the other. Kerry and Anne-Marie hang 
out sometimes, but when her and Glenn and Dave are 
together, you just want to keep away. I also 
noticed something about Dr. Lovell. He told us that 
he is a comedian in a club, but I can't see why 
anyone would find him funny. At home, we used to 
watch Monty Python. When I was little, it was 
totally confusing and not funny, but when I watched 
it at Christmas I could see the way it was funny 
because the silly takes they had on all kinds of 
things. They thought a long time to do that. When 
Dr. Lovell tells a joke, it's more like bullying. 
You laugh because your supposed to, or else. A lot 
of American comedy seems like that. Julie saw a 
piece of old, rain-soaked newspaper outside on the 
sidewalk and thought that it was a rabbit run over 
by a car. She had to be restrained after that.

April 3/89

I slipped and fell on some retard shit in the hall 
this morning. Then I went back to my room and 
cried. I didn't want to leave the room, but Nurse 
Greville said that I must get out of my room and 
socialize. Then she locked me out of my room until 
dinner. Dave hung around me all afternoon, being 
nice one minute and then raving about his dog 
dying. It was just fuck you fuck you don't ever 
talk about my fucking dog again, you fucking know 
you fucker on and on forever. Later, he started 
punching the wall again and had to be restrained.

April 5/89

The whole thing with group is a joke. It's kind of 
like a Saturday Night Live skit but it's not funny. 
Dr. Lovell keeps trying to write roles for us, and 
then gets angry if we don't fit. He thinks that he 
knows how we can cope with our problems better than 
we can, which is stupid. He doesn't know what is 
going on in my head, but if I don't say at least 
three things during group, he picks on me. I made 
something up today, and said that I felt bad 
because my Mom was sick, and so I couldn't look 
anyone in the eye. He liked that, since he thinks 
that my problems have been caused by me not being 
able to deal with the cancer. I don't think this is 
true, even though I feel really bad about the 
cancer. I talk to Julie, and its like she has her 
own world in her head which is different from 
everyone else. She can always invent a reason for 
everything she does, so it all fits into her 
worlds. I'm not like that. I can See everything, 
and it's real. I just can't deal with it. I am 
worried that someone might be reading this. I am 
stupid to trust that they won't. I wear the key on 
a shoelace around my neck and never take it off, 
but I think that someone could open it without the 
key.