Subject: [OTL]: HellsX 38
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 2004 17:58:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: D Benway <d_benway@yahoo.com>


HellsX [38:45] Cassandra

Produced by Benway.

See notes for disclaimer.

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He lies in the bed beside me, his passion spent. It took him over an
hour to exhaust himself, this time. I know how to play along, I've had
so much practice. It is a skill I've needed to survive.

I think that he knows that I do not feel as he feels, that mad rush of
passion connected to such a simple and ridiculous bodily function. I
cannot recall what it was like, for me, it was so long ago. I was not
expected to enjoy it, and I did not. Nor did I like the beatings that
followed, when they decided I was barren. From what I know now, the
beatings might have taken my fertility as well as the associated desire
long before I was changed. I have no desire to have any part of it
returned to me.

I do love him, but not as he loves me. I love him for his
determination, for his resourcefulness, for his ability to hide in
plain sight. I love him as I would love him after he has been changed,
as those of my kind love each other. It is a cold love next to their
human passions, but I could not live without it, and it can be so
beautiful.

I think that he deceives himself, as men in his position so often do. I
think that he believes that his passion will ignite my own, and when I
convert him, we will burn like the lighthouse at Pharos, a beacon for
all in the dark ocean night that is this land. If our bodies were
reversed, he would have no such illusion; the male of my species
physically demonstrates our lack of desire. I play at encouraging him
that I do feel it, because we need him, and will need him as a human
for some time to come. I know that he wants the change, but he's never
asked for it in any way. He is truly in love with the passion more than
with me, yet I believe that, deep within, he knows that the passion
will die the moment he begins to live the rest of his eternal life.

[Next: Dead by Dawn]