Subject: [OTL]: [X-Types] A Mandate From The People Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2002 13:04:13 -0800 (PST) From: D Benway A Mandate From The People a run home by Benway This story borrows a character from Marvel comics for not-for-profit use. This story is also vile and sacriligious and is very, very, very sick. There's something in here to offend almost everyone. The Louisville Slugger should only be used for the purpose for which it was intended. _____________________________________________________________________ Where: In a converted shipping container, near an isolated tropical inlet. Who: A, an X-Man, tied to a chair B, an elected official C, an appointed official D, a lackey When: Right now. ____________________________________________________________________ A: Uhhhhhhhhhh. Hccck. Guh. D: Someone's at the door, sir. C: He's expected. B: Howdy. D: Holy shit! SIR! C: Corporal. D: SIR! C: Dismissed. D: SIR YES SIR! B: Who the fuck was that? C: A new man on the detail, sir. Very effective. B: Where's Ramon? C: He had an accident, sir. B: Serious? A: Fffffff. Bugh. Ugh. C: Electrocution. He'll never be the same again, I'm afraid, sir. B: How'd it happen? C: An accident with the Telephone, sir. B: You can get zapped by a phone? C: The Telephone, sir. It's one of our special devices. B: Oh. I see. Poor fucker. See that he gets the best. C: Yes, sir. B: So, you're finished with that? C: Yes, sir. It's told us everything we wanted to hear. B: It's not going to tell us anything else? C: It would have to write. No, type. It could still type, I think. A: Guh. Guhhhhhhhh. C: Sir. B: I've been lookin' forward to this. C: The gown and the protective gear are right over here, sir. B: Glad I'm not allergic to latex. My wife, she put these on, she'd blow up like a balloon. Or like a bigger balloon. Heh. C: Let me help you with that, sir. B: Don't want to get anything on my shirt. Gotta address the troops. Know who I get to do it with? C: Bob Hope, sir? B: Fuck no. He's in diapers in Beverly Hills someplace. No, I got that chick from Friends, the one every guy who votes for me wants to ball in the back of his minivan while the kids are out playin' soccer. C: Think you'll score? Sir? B: Naw. The wife's here. She's stickin' to me like a big fat leech. C: I'm sorry to hear it, sir. B: Know who I got once? C: No, sir. B: Give you a clue. My husband and I- C: No shit! Talk about the special relationship! Sir. Not quite the standard idea of an attractive woman- B: What you talkin' about? That blonde hair, that boy's haircut, that stupid shit husband- C: Oh. I thought you meant- B: Her? Gimme a break. She's got a face like a bull's asshole. Naw. Nailed her daughter-in-law while she was fucked up out of her head on some shit. Then again, so was I. Kind of glad I gave it up, though. I'd never be here, otherwise. C: No, sir. B: You ever score? C: Actually- A: Rahrghhhhhh. C: At the party after your election, sir. An actress. She played one of them in a movie. B: You mean that big bony- C: No, the other one. B: The one with the touch of death? C: No, the other one. With the weather. B: She was there? C: She came as a senator's date, sir. I found her in the situation room. B: What was she doing in there? C: Crying. B: Huh. C: The other guests kept handing her their wraps to put away in the cloakroom, sir. B: Huh. Were you drunk? C: No, sir. B: Huh. Lucky bastard. C: Yes, sir. B: Well, let's get this over with. C: Here you go, sir. B: Did I tell you I was on the baseball team at Yale? C: Many times, sir. B: Hey, this isn't a Louisville Slugger. C: No, sir. B: Says here it's made in China. C: The other one was broken during a session, sir. B: My bat? C: There was a misunderstanding, sir. B: Huh. Let's give it a try. A: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! B: Good. Let's see if- A: Ruuuuuhhhhhhhh! Hck. Kck. Gluh. B: Yeah. A: NUHHHHHHHH! B: Yeah! A: Uh! Uh! Uh! Ughhhh. B: That's for burning shit. A: Graah. B: You know. A: AAAAH! B: I got a suit back home. A: Gck. B: Keep it locked in an airtight case. A: Kuh. Kuh. B: Every time, every fuckin' time you fuckers go and fuckin' destroy shit, I go and put it on when I go talk to the press. A: Ccck. Guh. Nuhhhh. B: It fuckin' reeks. Fuckin' reeks of dead people. Burnin' dead people. People dead 'cause you can't fuckin' do what you're TOLD. A: Phfuh. B: Holy shit, you see that? C: I did, sir. Most unusual. B: You think it bounced off the wall like that, 'cause it's outta a mutant? C: In my experience, the eye generally collapses, sir. B: Shit, look at that, it's still round. A: Hckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. B: Aw, hell. I wasn't done. C: I'm afraid it's dead, sir. B: Well, shit. I ain't finished. C: SIR! B: What? C: Sir, you can't- B: What you mean I can't, boy? C: Sir, you can't do THAT, sir. B: Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do, boy. C: But sir, it's illegal. B: In Cuba? C: I don't really know. B: Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. C: But sir, the risk of disease- B: It's dead, ain't it? C: Yes, but the bodily fluids are still infectious. Sir. B: Even after it's dead? C: For some time afterwards, sir. B: I could wait. C: The natural processes of decay take over then, sir. B: So? C: Gangrene, sir. B: Holy shit. C: Saw it in 'Nam, sir. B: What about- C: It might break, sir. B: Shit. I'll take the risk. C: May I suggest a compromise, sir? B: Shoot. C: Let me check the medkit. Yes. It's got KY. B: You're not suggesting- C: I am not unpracticed at this, sir. B: Uh- C: Just take the load off your feet and have a good look and then close your eyes. B: OK. C: Now just give me a moment to bring it back to life- B: It is back to life. C: What? B: That's as big as it gets. C: Oh. B: Hmmm. Oh, that's good. C: Thank you, sir. B: Real good. Mmmmmmm. C: Just let me know- B: This eye-closing thing doesn't do it for me. C: I see. Let me just- B: Great! Rip it all off. I wanna see everything! Nnnnng! C: There. B: Faster. Faster. Lift its head, so I can see where I- C: Like this? B: JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS! You can stop now. C: But you haven't- B: Look. C: Oh. Yes. I see. B: Kinda embarrassing, but if you don't tell, I won't. C: My lips are sealed, sir. B: What about the boy wonder out there? C: This cell is soundproofed, sir. B: He could say I was here. C: He says many things, sir. If he says too many, I can assure you that he will be taken care of. B: I like the sound of that. Taken care of. C: It's all part of the service, sir. B: Where'd you learn to do that? That business with, uh- C: In Havana, sir, many years ago. It paid for my passage to Miami. B: You weren't born back home, were you? C: I was born in Jamaica, sir. B: You'll never get my job, then. C: No, sir. Not unless they amend the constitution. B: Too bad. You from down here, you're the best of your kind. The ones that grew up back home, all they want to do is make babies and collect welfare. They're not gettin' no-one's hard-earned money on my watch. C: No, sir. B: Thanks for the tip about the, uh, fuck that was gross. C: Yes sir. B: Guess I'm lucky there's still some of you 'Nam vets around, huh? C: Yes sir. But most below my rank have been retired. B: Just have to promote you, then. C: No one's held the rank above mine since the First World War, sir. B: With all the fun and games we got coming up, I don't think anyone'll mind. C: Thank you, sir. Have one of these. B: Cohiba. Cuban? C: We get them from across the bay, sir. A little arrangement with the commandante of the prison camp. It's the kind Castro smokes. B: He just gives you these out of the kindness of his heart? C: He looks forward to our continued relationship in the event of a regime change, sir. B: Smells great. Make sure he's down on the friends list. C: Certainly, sir. B: Until next time, then. C: I'll have them do tests on the next one, sir. To make sure. B: Try and see if you can get a younger one. C: Younger? Uh, younger than this? B: How young can you get? C: Some of them are very young, sir. B: The younger the better. Until next time. C: See you next week, sir. FIN?