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Summary: In an attempt to get over her grief for Spike, Buffy has cut herself off from her past life, and anything that reminds her of the vampire that's still in her heart.  But when a news story brings her attention to the battle in LA, the Slayer finds herself once again facing old betrayals and old faces.  Returning to LA she finds even newer betrayals and the possible death of her most secret hope.


Faded Hope

by bitchee

Chapter 17

Angel’s mouth opened, but for the first time in his existence, he found himself lost for words.

Deep inside where the true champion lived, he knew that what Cordelia was saying was nothing more than the truth.

Ever since he’d left Sunnydale, he had known that his life was not on the same road as Buffy’s anymore. Moreover, if he was being honest, until the night he’d given Buffy the amulet, he had been fine with that. Well… mostly.

Buffy, had been his shining light at the end of the long dark tunnel that had been his guilt and remorse. She was the reason he’d fully rejoined the world again, his start at redemption and the first woman he’d ever truly loved.

However, time and distance had taught him that the true worth of a woman was not measured just by the strength of her body or the purpose of her mission. He had learned that even the most unlikely person could be a force for good if they chose to.

Cordelia had taught him that.

She had shown him that true worth lay in what a person did, because it was right, not because some higher power had chosen them for the task.

She fought because she could not know the things she knew without trying to change them. Risking her life for the world wasn’t her calling… but she’d done it anyway.

The selfish and seemingly shallow cheerleader he’d known in Sunnydale had turned into one of the bravest and most selfless people he knew. In fact, it was the changes in Cordelia that showed him that loving Buffy had been as much about his own self-hatred and her calling, as it had been about loving the girl behind the slayer.

He’d loved Buffy despite her faults, most of which he’d done his best to overlook. But he loved Cordelia because of her faults. Even the ones that made him want to shake her until her teeth rattled.

Buffy he’d loved from the moment he’d first set eyes on her outside her school in LA. By the time he had got to know her as a person, his love for her was as firmly entrenched as the need he had for atonement.

Cordelia… well truthfully, back in Sunnydale he had hardly even noticed her, except to note that she was the sort of vain airhead that Angelus would have taken great delight in killing. It wasn’t until she’d started working with Doyle and himself that he saw she was, in fact, far deeper than most people guessed.

The love he felt for Cordelia had been a long time coming and more than a little unexpected. But by the time she had disappeared while he was napping on the bottom of the ocean, he knew that what he felt for her was more real than what he’d ever felt for Buffy.

Then when she’d given birth to Jasmine and slipped into the coma he’d thought she was lost to him forever.

Going back to Sunnydale and seeing Buffy was something he didn’t like to examine too closely.

Even knowing that his heart was no longer Buffy’s, it hadn’t stopped him from reacting to the perceived threat of Spike’s presence. And then too, Buffy took him back to a time in his life when love was simple and uncomplicated.

Sure they couldn’t be together, but there was always that small spark of hope, that possible ‘maybe someday’ nestled deep in the back of his mind. Buffy was safe to love, because how could you loose something you knew you would never really have.

So he had told himself that what he felt for Cordelia was a simple case of ‘if you can’t love the one you want, love the one you’re with’.
He’d convinced himself, after holding Buffy and kissing her, that she was still his soul mate. That the woman that lay in a coma back in LA… was nothing more than a stand in for his real love.

And the sad thing was that up until a few minutes ago, he’d actually believed it.

Now standing in front of her, staring into her annoyed and hurt gaze, he was reminded just why he’d fallen in love with her in the first place and it hit him like a bolt out of the blue, that this was Cordy… his Cordy and she was here… with him.

Cordelia felt the anger and hurt she’d been holding onto slip away as she studied the varied expressions cross the face of the only man she’d ever loved.

His angry expression had at first given way to one of confusion, and if she knew him half as well as she thought she did, shame. It in turn had given way to the look he now wore… a look of pure and dawning wonder.

She bit her lip fiercely, trying hard not to cry as Angel took first one and then a second tentative step towards her.

The joy in his eyes lit his face from the inside and she found herself hard pressed not to sob aloud as her reached out, touching her cheek, as if he was afraid she might disappear at any moment.

Angel felt like he’d been living under an enchantment for the last year. How could he have ever thought that this woman meant less to him than Buffy?

Buffy was a dream, an ideal he’d had when his life had been mired in darkness. But Cordelia Chase had been his best friend and strongest critic. His most loyal supporter and the backbone of his life for so long that he couldn’t imagine what his life might be if he’d never met her.

For the first time since he’d stood by her grave, Angel felt that he could finally see things clearly. And he realized that without Cordelia he might as well just hand his soul over to Wolfram and Hart. After all, he’d unknowingly been doing that very thing from the day she’d left.

Buffy Summers may have guided his feet onto the path of redemption, but it was Cordelia Chase that had kept him on it. Picking him up each time he’d stumbled and threatened to lose his way. No wonder he had fucked up so much in the last year, how could he have possibly done any better when his soul and conscience were buried with her.

His fingers traced the curve of her brow, before bringing his other hand up to cup her cheek, while the first moved to the back of her neck and pulled her towards him.

Lowering his head slowly he watched her eyes flutter closed, the expression on her face unknowingly yearning even as her mouth opened under the soft caress of his.

As his tongue slowly swept across her top lip, she let out a harsh sob, answering his unasked question.

Angel’s world narrowed down to this moment… this woman and his need… his deep desire to let her know just how much of a hole she’d left in his life when she left him.

Pulling her even closer he deepened the kiss, exploring every curve of her mouth, his tongue stroking and caressing hers as her body trembled before melting against him.

With her surrender, Angel felt something he hadn’t known in the longest time… contentment.

No matter what happened, come Apocalypse or high water, he’d find the strength to face anything as long as the woman in his arms was by his side. Some how some way, all issues of her being a higher being and his curse aside, he would find a way for them to stay together this time. He couldn’t lose her again.

Pulling back from her mouth, he stared at her face, the face he wanted to see every day for the rest of his life.

As her eyes opened and met his he felt himself shiver at the look in them.

“God Cordy… I can’t believe you’re here. I thought I’d lost you.”

Leaning down, his brow met hers as he let the words that he’d never said just flow out of him.

“Missed you so much,” he murmured “ I love you Cordelia Chase… don’t you ever leave me alone again.”

Moments later he smelt the salt of her tears and felt her shudder as she bit back a sob.

Pulling back slightly he reached and tilted her chin until her eyes met his.

“Cordy don’t cry… I know that you probably don’t feel the same way but I just couldn’t keep lying to myself… or to you. You don’t have to say anything… I don’t expect anything I just want to….”

“Oh God Angel,” she gasped interrupting his confession “How could you not know… how could you not see?”

She stroked his cheek with one small hand and leaned into him to place a gentle kiss on his lips.

“I was going to tell you that night… the night I disappeared. I’d been so clueless for so long and I wanted to tell you how I felt but then…” she trailed off to kiss him again, her heart flipping in her chest as she felt his tongue reach to meet hers.

Moments or hours later the need to breathe forced her to pull back and take a deep gasping breath.

Her heart was racing and her head was swimming. For a moment she’d forgotten her own name, never mind what she’d been trying to say. Sliding her arms from around his neck, she cupped his face in her hands and locked her gaze in his.

“Angel” she whispered her heart melting at the love she could see in his eyes.

“Oh God Angel… I love you… I’m so sorry I never told you… so sorry.” she murmured her voice breaking as she thought of all the time they had wasted and all the things that might have been different, if she’d only had the courage to stay and face her feelings instead of running away.

“I was scared. Scared that you didn’t feel the same and then there was the whole soul crossed lovers thing with Buffy… And I was just plain scared to death” she admitted, her expression sorrowful and her voice hitching as she looked away.

“I told myself that going with Skip was the right thing to do, that the powers higher purpose was more important than love. God was I wrong.” she said with a bitter laugh.

“I should have trusted in my feelings, I never should have left without at least seeing you and telling you goodbye… If I’d taken just one moment to think and stopped being a big old coward none of this would have happened. God I’m so, so sorry.”

Raising her eyes to his again, she smiled hopefully.

“I Love you Angel and I’m not scared anymore.” She admitted before once again pulling him down and claiming his mouth.

With her words and the heat of her mouth, Angel felt something burst deep down inside him.

All the pain of losing her, losing the others, the guilt he felt over Connor, all of it faded under the joy he felt at her words.

His heart swelled until he thought it might just start to beat again, as for the first time in years Angel was completely happy.

Swamped in the emotions he was feeling, at first he didn’t notice the pain in his chest intensifying. He was so lost in the moment it didn’t occur to him that the pain was anything more than his joy at being with her.

It was only as he felt the pain reach its peak and spread through every cell of his body that he grasped just what was happening to him.

He gasped.

Ripping his mouth away from hers he staggered back, his horrified gaze meeting her puzzled one.

“No” he rasped out. “No. Please God, no.”

Turning from her, he desperately tried to cling to the last remanent of himself, even as he found himself screaming out her name.

“Cordelia… run.”

Cordelia’s hands flew to her mouth as she chocked back a shocked scream.

Seconds later his warning became moot, as the newly unsouled Angelus was ejected from the oracles chamber.