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Summary: In an attempt to get over her grief for Spike, Buffy has cut herself off from her past life, and anything that reminds her of the vampire that's still in her heart.  But when a news story brings her attention to the battle in LA, the Slayer finds herself once again facing old betrayals and old faces.  Returning to LA she finds even newer betrayals and the possible death of her most secret hope.


Faded Hope

by bitchee

Chapter 5


Faith sat and waited patiently, knowing instinctively that what he was about to tell her was going to be hard on him.

“Was talking bout Angel, pet. That jewel the slayer gave me, the Liz Taylor special…
was supposed to be worn by the poof. He even offered, but the slayer sent him away. Gave him some bollocks about bein the second front, in case we failed or some such rubbish.” He snorted with self-derision before continuing.

“But ya see Hellcat, I’ve done me some thinking since my little trip to Europe and I recon it’s time I faced the truth.”

He looked sad but resolute as he said the words and it made Faith once again wish she had never asked.

“She gave it to me an told me it was for a champion, that I was her champion. But I think… no, not think… I know the real reason was cos she knew that whoever wore it wouldn’t exactly be around afterwards.” He sighed.

“Oh don get me wrong” he offered at her horrified look “I don’t think she went about it quiet the way it sounds, yeah pet? M’ sure she never made the choice…not consciously. It’s jus…well, she did choose. She chose me to wear it instead of the love of her life, and that was that. He went back to LA and I died…well sort of.” He added with a wry twist of his mouth.

Looking away from her shocked face he took a deep unneeded breath and told her the rest.

“Y’know, I could understand her choosing the poof. Wouldn’t have even minded all that much, scept next thing I know she’s running all over soddin Europe with that bloody Immortal wanker, and din’t even give Peaches the time of day when we lobbed at her flat.
Gets that Andrew git to tell us that she’s moving on, an we should too. S’ok for me, I knew I never really had a chance. But Peaches, he was supposed to be her one and all.”

He scowled at the words. The thought of the two of them together, even after everything, still had the power to enrage his demon.

“Made what she had me do in the Hellmouth seem…I dunno… trivial. Like I was nothing more than disposable.” He laughed. “But Pet, this is how pathetic I am.” He looked back up and met her eyes. “The bit I really can’t forgive her for isn’t the fiery death, or the flip off in Rome. It’s her bloody last words in the Hellmouth. The ones at the time I thought were just her being kind.”

“Kind my arse” he muttered “She knows I’m bloody gonna die, so at the last possible moment she holds my bleeding hand and tells me she loves me.” He snorted before turning back to face Faith.

“Bloody good thing I didn’t believe her I recon. And I’m right glad in hindsight that I told her so. Has to be the cruellest thing she could a possibly said. Like waving a bloody steak under a dying dogs nose, letting him see what he can’t be around to have, let alone enjoy.”
His eyes dropped, hiding the pain he was feeling from her. “So that’s it luv, the last sad tale of William the Bloody. Pretty bloody pathetic… yeah?”

Faith in truth was stunned. Spike’s words had shocked her, but not because of what he thought was the truth in them, but because now she knew without a dout that something was very rotten in the state of Denmark

There was just no way the Buffy she remembered would tell a man, let alone one who was dying, that she loved him and not mean it.
Besides which, she’d been on that bus as they’d left Sunnydale behind for the last time, and she’d seen the other slayer’s pain.

Buffy and Dawn had huddled together in the back of the bus, and Buffy had spent most of the ride to LA crying. Admittedly, she was very quiet about it, but when one of the girls had made some unthinking comment about Spike glowing like a nightlight, the older slayer had just about ripped her head off.

She’d told the girl in no uncertain terms that she owed her life to the vampire, as did all of them. Then to underline how much she would not put up with hearing anything bad when it came to Spike, she had actually given a surprisingly moving speech about him being the one. Capped off with the admittance that she loved him for the man he’d become despite the odds against it, and she was just sorry that he hadn’t believed her.

Even as Faith was remembering the bus trip it occurred to her that it was weird that until Spike had mentioned Buffy’s last words to him, she had completely forgotten about Buffy’s reaction to his death.

Faith knew she could be pretty self involved at times but she would have thought somewhere in the last day, with all the sharing she and Spike had done, it would have crossed her mind at least once. If she didn’t know any better she’d say that someone had arranged for her to have some slight memory loss? Hmmm I wonder what else I know, that I don’t know I know? Rolling her eyes at her own thoughts, she studied the vampire that was still waiting patiently for her reaction.

The only question left was should she tell him? Was it the right thing to do, to give him hope when there might in fact be none? After all, it was a year since the Hellmouth, and a lot had changed in that time. Buffy had changed. Spike was right in that. At least he was right if what she thought she knew was true. Then again, she’d just remembered knowing stuff that she’d had no idea she knew until barely two minutes ago. God, try saying that ten times really fast. She smirked at her own thoughts before sobering at the look on the vampire’s face.

Shit Faith, just decide already, the guy is looking mighty antsy.

Ok, so if she told him? She risked loosing what was probably her best, if not last, chance of being loved the way she’d always wanted. On the other hand, if she didn’t, could she live with the decision?

Could she do it knowing that there was a possibility, no matter how thin, that Buffy still loved him? That by not saying anything she had cheated them both to get his love.

God, why was being good so fucking hard? What had happened to the old Faith motto?
Want, take, have.

She sighed. Decision made, she reached up and cupped Spike’s face in her hands.
Drawing him close, she placed a gentle kiss on his mouth before pulling back and sighing again, this time with regret. At his puzzled look, she released his face in favor of his hands. I don’t believe I’m doing this…but here goes.

“Spike, I think you and I need to have a little talk. Go grab yourself some blood from the kitchen and get your ass back up here ASAP. There’s some stuff you need to know and I need a few minutes to sort shit out in my head so I don’t fuck it up. Hell, grab me something while you’re down there, cos I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long night.”


Dawn had watched Buffy’s confrontation with Kennedy with concern. And when Buffy had turned and headed into the hotel with only the briefest of glances in her direction she’d been more than a little pissed.

Nevertheless, when Buffy had come running out of the Hyperion bawling her eyes out and practically knocking her to the ground, Dawn’s anger had immediately shifted elsewhere.

What the frick had they said to her to cause this type of meltdown?
She hadn’t been inside more than ten, maybe fifteen minutes at the most. Who the hell could do this much damage in so short amount of time?

“Buffy, what happened? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” When she failed to get a coherent response Dawn decided the best thing to do was to wait her sister out.
Pulling her sister down with her, she sat on the steps and rocked her until eventually, like she’d known they would, Buffy’s harsh sobs started to taper off.

Trying again to get her sister to tell her what had happened, she smoothed and stroked the older girl’s hair. “C’mon sis it can’t be as bad as you think. Did Willow or Faith say something mean? Cos I could so totally go to town on their asses. Ooh… there could be hair pulling.”

When the hair pulling line failed to get even a smile out of the older girl, Dawn frowned. It wasn’t like Buffy to get this emotional. The last time she’d seen her sister cry like this was after Spike had died.

Dawn teared up at the vivid memory. Worried that her own tears might upset her sister even more, she determinedly pushed thoughts of Spike to the back of her mind.
The last thing she needed to do was to get all maudlin herself. It was just all the crying had reminded her of the Hellmouth’s collapse and the horrible bus ride to LA after.

“Buffy I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong. C’mon, at least let me know who I’ve gotta kill,” she joked, attempting once again to get her sister to break her silence.

Bloodshot eyes met hers and a trembling lip wobbled even more precariously, threatening to unleash another wave of sobs. Instead of just the expected tears, Dawn got the shock of her life when her sister answered her question.

“Spike” Buffy hiccuped, before promptly bursting back into the threatened tears.