Written as a Long Stand Alone (Was written so it can be read with out reading the first story).

Sequel to Dream Once More (Archived at the Sand lot)

Author: T. Claybourne  (t.claybourne@yahoo.com)

AU And Crossover

Rating: Rated R most chapters for violence and Language, some are NC-17 for sexual content

(Quick additional note….seems I have been using the wrong header, all these weeks. I actually have 57 chapters I'm sorry to have seemed to mislead you. It was a header I typed up before I actually finished the entire story and never adjusted the final chapter number. However the story is complete and I am just working at getting it edited now. Thanks, T.)

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Afterglow Chapter 16 Grieve

"I can't handle this I grieve for you. You leave me. Let it out and move on. Missing what's gone. They say life carries on. Life carries on and on and on." Peter Gabriel

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(Below was originally written in a font to resemble handwriting, please pretend it is now)

"After last night I didn't think I'd have much to write about this morning, but of course I was wrong.

After I had finished writing in my journal, I got under the crisp cool covers and snuggled down to re-hash it again. I got as far as the kiss with Xander, and I was comparing. Xander's kiss had been warm and just a bit moist, and it had sent strange sensations of excitement through me. Right now I had a hard time trying to remember my first kisses with Spike. They had been intermingled with sex and booze, so they didn't stand out. The ones I remembered best were the ones before I left: they had been cold, and I had felt desperate. Of course my demon had responded to them. Again, on Sunday, they had been all bloody and violent: they could not really be considered as kisses. No, the ones with Xander had made me feel a lot more than I had in a long time.

It was then I heard it. There was a hollering out in the front.

" EMMA ………EMMA"

If it hadn't been yelled in a decidedly British accent I might have thought that Stanley Kowalski, from "A Streetcar named Desire", was right outside our house.

I heard the door open upstairs and the same hollering came from inside the house. "EMMA, EMMA"

Willow and Xander were trying to calm him down. I lay there contemplating just not going up, but then I got a mental flash of Xander getting a bloody nose so I hopped out of bed and flew up the stairs. As I did, I heard something crash.

Spike was standing behind the couch and Xander, in his pajamas, was blocking the way to the kitchen stairs. Willow, in a robe, was picking up the pieces of a lamp.

Spike was so intent on Xander that he hadn't seen me yet. I don't know what possessed me, but I reached out to Willow with my mind.

"Willow, you have to get Xander out of here before he gets hurt."

She jumped a little. I was surprised and relieved that it had actually worked. Score one for the mind crap. Willow nodded and went over to Xander.

Spike took two steps but then stopped as he finally saw me standing behind Xander.

I walked past Xander and Willow. Xander was protesting but Willow wasn't letting him win, just pulling him down to the kitchen.

"Spike," I said quietly

He took a step towards me, his eyes filled with tears and he fell to his knees. He wrapped his arms around my waist and cried.

I panicked a bit and wanted to pull away. I didn't though. I had caused this and now I would face it. God, but it would - and had been - easier to face an enraged Spike. I had thought we had gotten past something like this. I'd rather that he had given me a hundred black eyes than this. It was finally too much and I sunk to my knees. I knew he was drunk, but this was what was deep down inside him. I pushed him back so I had to look him in his eyes.

"Oh god, Spike, I can't stand seeing you like this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And then I felt several tears roll down my face.

He stared at them. He wiped my tears. "Love, don't cry."

And then don't ask me what I was thinking but I said, "If I could change it I would. Do you want me to take it back? We can try again."

He stared at me with those deep blue eyes for what seemed like forever.

"No Mia. You're not her, you can't pretend to be. I have to face it: I'll never have her again."

My tears came again, as did his. I got up, wiping my eyes. I pulled him up, walked him to the couch, and wiped his tears with some tissues we kept on the coffee table.

I called downstairs. "It's calm up here now; maybe you could bring Spike some blood."

Within moments Willow and Xander came up.

"I think we need to make up a bed on the couch for him; he's in no shape to head over to Giles," I suggested.

Xander insisted that Spike should sleep in his room. He was concerned that Spike might get to me in the night. It was sweet but a bit silly, considering, so I let it go.

Xander helped a very drunk Spike up to his room. On the way upstairs Spike looked down to Willow and said, "Will, would you call Buffy. She doesn't need to worry about where I am, on top of everything else." It showed me that he actually cared for her.

Willow followed me downstairs to the kitchen.

"I thought you should know that we could hear what happened."

I started to explain. "I thought we had gotten past all that. I mean he seemed like he'd accepted…"

"Xander got really upset when you mentioned going back."

"Oh, Willow, I never……it's just I couldn't stand…."

She interrupted me. "That is something that you need to explain to Xander, especially after your night of firsts."

"He told you then?" I asked, not really surprised.

"We're best friends and I had to know why he had such a big smile on his face."

Willow headed up the stairs and Xander came down. I sat at the table with a beer. I'd wanted vodka but we only had scotch for Giles. I need to pick up some vodka along with some cigarettes, and soon.

I motioned to the chair across from me and he sat down. "Are you alright?"

"Peachy," I answered, and drank down the rest of the beer.

"You're not really looking so peachy from over here."

"Did you get him to bed alright? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, he's wasted, although if you hadn't come up when you did, it might have been a different story."

Suddenly everything seemed overwhelming. I couldn't seem to win for losing. I closed my eyes and took a deep unnecessary breath. A small tear leaked out. Damn, but I've had enough crying to last me my unlifetime.

Then in my most sarcastic tone I said, "Yeah, I'm some hero. Give me a break. Willow told me I hurt you."

"She should have kept that to herself."

"No, I needed to know."

"Oh, so you could punish yourself for it?"

This surprised me because he had gotten it right.

"We shared a few kisses, we haven't been on a date yet. You told me yourself tonight what went on between you and Spike before you came here. Mia, please, really you don't owe me anything."

That did it. It literally broke the dam. I put my face in my hands and cried again. I'm getting real good at this crying thing.

Xander pulled a chair up next to mine, and put his arm around me. "I didn't mean to make you cry about it."

"I'm sorry," I sniffled, trying to stop. "I didn't mean to. I hurt you, and then you're all nice about it."

"I thought about what was happening and I think you just couldn't stand seeing the guy hurt so bad, so you offered the only thing you thought might take the hurt away. It was a crazy notion, `cause we all know how selfish Spike is and he might have taken you up on it."

That made me smile. "He still might."

"True. What will you do if he sobers up and decides to hold you to it?"

"I could stake him."

Xander chuckled a bit, then shook his head.

"Won't work. I've come to the conclusion that Spike is unstakeable. Hear me out: Spike killed two slayers and they couldn't stake him. Never once could Buffy stake him: he always got away. Then, the army doesn't stake him, but puts a chip in his head instead. After the chip Buffy said we couldn't stake him, but was that because he was helpless with the chip in his head or was it actually because she just….. couldn't… stake him. When Spike had the trigger he begged Buffy to stake him, but something still stopped her. Then, after the chip was taken out, Giles and Wood tried to kill him and no, still it didn't happen. So, my theory is proved: Spike cannot be staked.

"Riley staked him with a plastic stake," I said flatly.

"Oh. OH. Yes. Spike can be staked! Things in the world just got brighter and oh so much better," Xander grinned.

"I was kidding: I won't stake him," I smiled.

"I know that, but let me just bask in the glow of the possibility."

"Your problem is that there is too much history between you two for you to see that he's different now."

"If he keeps making you cry… yes."

I looked him in the eye then. "That's not his fault, it's mine."

Xander stood up and pulled me with him. "Come on, you're exhausted, and you will have to deal with an embarrassed Spike tomorrow, and I am so not envying you that." He led me to my room.

He pulled back the covers on my bed and I slid underneath. I held his hand. He started to leave and I kept holding his hand. I knew Spike was in the house and I didn't care. I needed Xander with me right then.

We stared at each other. I spoke first. "Stay and hold me?"

"But, what about…"

I interrupted. "This is about what I need; will you be all right, just holding me and not anything else?"

"More than alright," he said, and crawled in behind me, pulling me close. Xander's body warmed me and I fell asleep quickly.

I woke with Xander wrapped around me. I heard a noise in the kitchen, took a deep breath, and listened carefully: it was Willow. I looked at the clock. Xander had to get up for work. I turned to face him and kissed him. His eye fluttered opened.

"Hi," he said, smiling

His hair was all rumpled and he looked so adorable. I smiled back. "You have to get up for work"

He pulled me closer. "I so do not want to do that."

I felt his hardness on my thigh and it sent a little shiver of excitement through me.

"Xander, I know I asked you to sleep here last night but it wasn't, you know, a sex thing. I still want to wait for that, and if we don't get up now…"

"Oh, yeah, got ya." He slid out and stood by the bed.

I sat up. "I'm tempted"

His eyebrow and patch went up. "Really?"

"Definitely"

"Well then, that's something: something every guy likes to hear when a girl is shoving him out of bed in the morning, all cold and rejected, even if she had told him he'd get nothing in the first place. There are such things as fantasies, you know."

I looked at his pajama bottoms and back at his face. "I can see there are fantasies."

Xander had the decency to look a bit embarrassed before he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss. " Won't lie, Mia. That… well it's your doing, you know, all your doing."

I grinned. "Well, that's something, something every girl likes to hear when she's shoving a man out of her bed in the morning." I raised my eyebrow as provocatively as I could. "I'm just wondering whose fantasies were better."

Xander's eye narrowed a bit. "Not fair, Mia. You're the one making us wait until after Saturday."

"I know. Sorry. I think it's my demon talking right now."

"And your demon is very attracted to me, isn't it? We might even go as far as to say that it wants me. I told you that demon attraction thing of mine would work on you." He smiled. "I'm just glad this time it's finally working in my favor."

He went out of my door, and then up the stairs

His statement made me grin. Funny thing was, I had never before… just… slept with a guy. As a human, there had always been sex involved. Here I was, a bad ass vampire toting a demon, and I hadn't just jumped his bones. Wonders never cease. His demon attraction thing might be working, but I guess my soul was in control in this instance.

I got up, stripped my bed and headed for the shower. As much as I enjoyed basking in Xander's scent I didn't want to rub Spike's face in it today. I shampooed my hair twice. Then, after dressing, I took my sheets to put them in the washer.

Xander stopped me in the kitchen. "Will you have coffee with me this morning before I go?"

I smiled at him. He looked so cute the way he had asked. "Sure."

"Good, because it's getting to be a thing with me. I just have to have you with my morning coffee. I mean…I didn't mean it to sound like that. But if you want to take it that way, then I'd be happy to oblige. We could….."

I gave a short laugh. "My day seems to go smoother too if I have coffee with you: it did even before we kissed."

That brought a huge smile to Xander's face. " Good. Let's make it a daily date. OK?"

" OK."

After Xander left for work I called Giles and told him I wouldn't be able to come to work until late afternoon. We arranged to have someone take my Slayer's training class for me but I would still take the Watcher's class. I felt I had to because they did not seem to be making any progress, and I was determined to see that they did.

Later that morning Buffy stopped by. She looked so small standing in the doorway. I asked her to come in. She was carrying a gym bag.

Holding it up, she said, "Here are some things for Spike: clothes; you know, things he'll need."

I took the bag and placed it on the bottom step.

"How is he?" she asked

"He's sleeping, but he was really very drunk last night. Xander said Spike had finished a bottle by noon, so who knows how many he'd had by midnight."

"I hope he doesn't crawl back into the same state today. After you left all he did was drink. He wouldn't eat and eventually Angel had to make sure he couldn't get any liquor delivered from anywhere."

"Don't worry. It's too bright for him to go anywhere today and there's no booze available here. Willow hid ours in the shed."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to sound like I was trying to rub…"

"Wes told me what happened."

"Oh. He's still thinner than he was." Buffy took a step back. "But then, so are you."

I was a little embarrassed that she'd noticed. I had been trying to eat when I was hungry.

"No need to worry about me."

"No of course…Xander does."

I saw that now was the time to be truthful. "I worry about Xander too."

Buffy cocked her head a bit.

"I so do not know what to think about that. I want to be all super-slayer friend like and threaten to stake you if you hurt him, but Xander is a big boy so …..just try not to; I couldn't see him go through what…"

"Spike did? We are taking things so slowly, so hopefully no one will get hurt."

"I am so not the person to give advice on love."

"Me neither, but let me give you some anyway. Spike needs your respect, patience and right now, space. If and when he decides to talk to you, make sure he knows you respect him, but don't push him into talking until he's worked things out in his head - that hard head of his."

"Right, because you know Spike so much better that I do," she snapped.

I just smiled. I did: I knew him better and longer, at least this Spike.

"This one, yes, Emma did, so I do."

Buffy's eyes narrowed.

"You've no need to get angry. You two have a long history, as Xander pointed out to me last night. I only got to know him from the time when he was a ghost. He didn't try to kill me on several occasions; I never represented redemption to him; he didn't go through trials and get his soul for me; he only loved me and I him. There are things he told me, the reasons throughout his unlife that caused him to do the things he did, reasons that he hoped would inspire respect.

Trust me. Why would I tell you this if I didn't think you two should be together? I thought it was unfair that you two should have gone through so much and that the only thing that should stand between you was me. As Emma, when he told me he wanted me, I couldn't step away: I loved him too much. When I was changed and things were so confused it seemed clear to me that I was in the way. That made leaving a little easier. I knew he'd be hurt but that eventually he'd get over it and have you."

"Oh," was all she said: then, very quietly, "I better go."

So I ran upstairs and put the bag just inside Xander's door. I put some extra towels out in the bathroom and came back to the kitchen. I set up the lap top and got out the watchers' journal I was working on. I had been given the task of putting together a history of the Council and of the different Slayers they have on record: brief descriptions only, but it dates back to parchment times. I was up to 600AD. The wording and different languages were making it slow going: that, and my attention span. I seemed to have a longer one when I was human. So instead of doing what I get paid for I am writing this, at least until Spike gets up, and then who knows what will happen."