Subject: Re: thank you! Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2001 18:14:11 -0700 From: luba kmetyk Organization: fonts of wisdom To: "D. Wisdom" "D. Wisdom" wrote: > > ::yawns:: Sorry I took so long to get back to you. A few health issues have put > under a bit :( > > Right, well, here's the story! I'm gonna send the first chapter to you now. If > it's shit tell me so and I won't send the other four parts. Oh, and if it > doesn't go through tell me. like a lot of fanfics, the basic idea is interesting but the story would really benefit from a careful clean-up and re-write. one problem is the language -- what i mean by that, is you *really* need a spell-checker/grammar-checker/editor. the errors in the english make it *really* hard to get into the story itself -- for example: you wrote: 'Pete Wisdom accepted his mission with a clear conscious.' "conscious" is an adjective that means "awake, thinking" etc; what you *should* have there is "conscience" (the *noun* that means "ethics, a sense of right and wrong"). just because the two words are similar and come from the same latin root ("scio" which means "to know") doesn't make them either identical or interchangeable. there are lots of other places where the word isn't *quite* right, just sorta kinda close; or where the sentence structure is too convoluted to flow smoothly, naturally (i shouldn't have to 'think' too hard about what you mean, and i shouldn't have to 'rephrase' sentenecs into simpler english to read a story.) every time i have to stop at a spelling error or grammar error or wrong word or other glitch, it's like hitting a speed bump while driving -- it temporarily 'bumps' me out of the plot and action. same thing with the very short, mostly one- or two-sentence paragraphs: you as the writer don't "arrange" the dialogue and action into comfortable "blocks" for the reader, so i as the reader have to work harder than i should to follow the story, since *every* paragraph break is a sudden interrupt to the flow. another problem is the plot itself -- not the *overall* plot maybe (i haven't read enough to tell) but the small details. you're "forcing" it, way too obviously. for example: you wrote: '“She’s armed with Uzis....I’m in deep shit...” He did not realize he had said it aloud until it was too late.' several problems with that -- you already had him saying 'shit' and 'crap' out loud (at least in a whisper) earlier, so why would she hear him now and not then? plus, you said 'The agent in the room with Wisdom heard the clicking as he loaded his gun, and followed it to his position.' which says she didn't hear what he said but heard his gun? so which was it, that gave him away, and when exactly? plus, it's absolutely basically fundamentally unbelievable that an experienced agent like pete would give himself away -- when he already *knows* somebody's there -- by muttering to himself! if he were that incompetent he'd be dead a zillion times by now! but you have 'Wisdom dismissed her sudden disappearance and carelessly walked over to the desk in the centre of the room.' that made me scream "but pete's *not* an idiot for god's sake!" there's lots of little plot niggles like that all through, but just one more example -- why would fury be upset pete's *not* dead? any *professional* would *want* the intruder captured alive, so he could be questioned. not to mention britain is an ally/member of the un/nato/etc, so fury should want to avoid political hassles killing a 'friendly' agent... what i'm trying to say is, that you need to get all the little details worked out perfectly, in both language and description and motivation, so you sort of "lull" the reader into a smoothly woven flow of action, rather than having picky details distract from the flow... > Thank you so much for taking the time to do this! A thousand blessing upon you > and yours! Happy Holidays! holiday = days off work = sleeping in late = pure bliss! :-) -- luba http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/ "Pete and Kitty. I like 'em. They laugh. They love. They screw each other's brains out. Life is as it should be." (email from melissa lucey)