Rating: PG-13

Email: cyndyr298@yahoo.com or snow_whte@hotmail.com

Authors: Cyndy and Sara

Pairing: S/D, A/F

Spoilers: Season Five through "Tough Love." A.U.

Summary: Set in 2004. Dawn sets out to trap for our favorite blonde vampire.

Disclaimer: All of the characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No profit was received from this story.

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Buffy was backed up by Riley who stood there looking sheepish. And confused. He held a tazer in his hands but let it drop for a second so he could wave at them. "Uh, hi there, guys. What's up?" He gave them a wan smile.

"Uh, honey!? Hello?! Remember the purpose of this mission?" Buffy said, shooting an irritated look at her new husband. "You're supposed to be pointing the weapon at him."

"I'm not sure we should be doing this. I mean, Dawn is a big girl. She's a Slayer and she knows demons. So getting involved with Spike isn't that big a deal. Didn't you do the same thing? With Angel, I mean. Because you--"

"Shut up, Riley. This is none of your business!" She narrowed her eyes on her bleached blond quarry. "I really hope she doesn't choose to marry you. You and I have had a confrontation coming for a very long time." Buffy was every inch the primaeval Slayer. Ruthless. Poised. Dangerous. "Riley! Point the weapon!"

"Yes, honey." Riley said, resigned. He pointed his weapon at Spike once more.

"Buffy!" Dawn said, finally coming out of shock. "What are you... hey! You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!"

"Well, that was interrupted by my baby sister. My baby sister who just so happens to be doing God knows what with vampires." She glowered at Spike. Then at Angel. "I don't know which one of you has-been vampires started this... this... THING... with her. But Spike is going to marry her. Or else."

"Hey! Why aren't I a choice too? She could marry me. I'd make a very good husband." Angel interjected, strangely angry at being left out of the forced marriage proceedings. "I can cook. I'm neat. And I balance a budget well."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Very nice, poof. Yes, we all know you're the bleedin' Martha Stewart of the undead. Can we move on?"

Faith snorted with suppressed laughter at the whole bizarre situation. Buffy barely spared the blond vampire a glance. She focused on Angel. "Because Dawn doesn't want a honeymoon with a body count." She looked at Dawn thoughtfully. "Since Billy Idol over here just proposed, do you want to go ahead and marry him?"

Dawn threw up her hands. "I can't believe you. This is none of your business. God, you are so bossy and you don't even realize it. Why don't you go back on your dumb honeymoon with your dumb husband and relax a little. 'Kay?"

"I am not dumb!" Riley shouted.

"Shut up, pervert." Angel said.

But Dawn wasn't done. "And... I thought you were against me getting married to Spike. I mean, I knew you were okay with me dating him. But you thought it was a phase, right? A wild stage I was going through? You hoped that I would get over my dangerous undead thing."

"Yeah, I hoped you would." She pointed the cross bow at Spike. "But you must have... God only knows... with her. " She looked at Angel. "I don't think you did, or half of L.A. would be dead by now. That's the only thing that's saving your ancient ass, you know that, right?"

Angel gave her a dark look. "How many time to I have to tell you people I'm not going to go evil again!"

Buffy scowled. "So, you're saying that my sister's not pretty enough to make you go evil again?" She balled up her fist.

Spike looked at the blond Slayer strangely. "You're losin' it, chit. Better get some help from the fellows with the white lab coats."

Buffy gave him a malevolent look. "You have to do the honorable thing. Now."

"What'sa matter, Slayer? Were you bored? Decided to stir up some trouble. I bet the boy dunder over there doesn't even know how to show a girl a good time, does he? You wanted an excuse to get the honeymoon over."

"Shut up, Spike! Unless, of course, you want to be lining a kitty litter box tonight."

Faith clenched her fist. "I can't even friggin' believe this. There isn't going to be any 'shotgun' wedding. Leave the kid alone, B. She's doing just fine."

"Make that a crossbow wedding, ducks." Spike said dryly.

"Two choices, Spike. Either Dawn can marry you or she can attend your funeral tonight." Buffy stated firmly.

"Bloody hell! You just saw me propose to her! What's the rush?"

"Rush? You don't want to marry me?!" Dawn asked, her lower lip trembling. Then, she doubled her fist up and Spike backed up.

"Of course I do, nibblet! Never doubt that." He put his hands in the air. " But I want you to have all the bells and whistles. The white gown, the band, the tuxedos, the limo. The huge bloody cake. All of it."

"Oh." She whispered. She impulsively reached over and kissed him. "You're so sweet!"

"Ugh! Disgusting." Buffy said, doing a full body shiver. "You realize that is a dead body with a yucky demon center, don't you?" She made an 'ick' face. "You remember what vampires are, right Dawnie? Demons bad. People good."

The newly engaged couple were blissfully unaware of her. "I love you." Spike said, stroking her hair.

"Ewww! Break it up." Buffy said, coming to stand in between them. She faced Spike. "And don't, like, touch her too much, okay?" She poked him with the crossbow. "Come on. Let's go." She gestured to the door.

"Why are you rushing me to the alter?" Dawn demanded. "Don't you want to be my matron of honor?"

"Dawnie, of course I do!" Buffy said, turning. Her features softened. "But I can't let him do this to you. He's just going to use you for sweaty naughty fun. Then, when he's tired of you, he'll move on to the next undead girl."

"Like Parker left you? Or Angel for that matter?" Dawn offered.

"Hey! Excuse you! I'm standing right here." Angel protested. "And it was Angelus that left her, uh, after we were, er, sweaty and naughty. Not my fault."

Buffy mouthed something rude to Angel. "Whatever, Deadboy."

Angel turned to Spike. "See? Bad habits from the pervert. She never used to swear."

"Who's the pervert?" Riley asked, confused.

"Like you don't know." Spike said.

"Shut up, pervert." Faith admonished.

Buffy decided to appeal to her sister. "Dawn, it's not the same. He's a demon. They can never be trusted. Sure, he wants you now, but what about two years from now? Or ten years?"

"He loves me." Dawn said. She reached over and took Spike's hand in her own. "We'll make it work."

"Aren't you worried that it's not you he wants?" Buffy said, arching an eyebrow. She tossed her blonde hair back doing her best to imitate a shampoo commercial. "After all, he had a thing for me for years." She winced at Dawn's hurt look but she knew that she had to be cruel to be kind. Who wanted a dead guy for a brother-in-law? Dear God, he would be over for Christmas and Thanksgiving and Superbowl Sunday just to watch "the bleedin' commericals." And he would never die. Ever. Dammit!

"I've had enough." Faith interjected. "Newsflash, B. Not everything is about you."

"It's just suspicious." Buffy insisted. "He was in love with me for years and he suddenly falls for her. It makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense, I've got it all figured out." Angel said. "She was too young for him before this. The things he loved about you were the things that he saw in Dawn. She was made from you, right?" Buffy nodded. "He fell in love with the part of you that was the most Dawnlike."

"Yeah, that's right." Spike agreed. Buffy shot him a look and he ducked behind Dawn. "So, go away, Slayer! You're not wanted here." He said from behind her.

Buffy turned her glare on Angel. That's when she took in his outfit. "Ahhhhh!"

"What?!" The rest of them cried.

Riley nearly dropped his tazer. "What's going on?"

"Riley, zap him! It's Angelus!" Suddenly his less than complimentary comments made sense.

Riley took a step towards Angel, but Faith stopped him. "Not so fast, crewcut."

Buffy glared at Faith. "I can't believe you haven't learned to keep your pants on yet."

"Wasn't me, B." Faith grinned.

Buffy stared at her sister. "Dawn ... you didn't. You wouldn't--"

"Not me." She folded her arms across her chest, annoyed with her sister. "Though, I probably could have if I wanted to. Actually, I kind of wanted to. I mean, he's so-"

"Dawn." Spike arched a brow.

"Sorry."

Buffy looked bewildered. "If not Dawn than who... " A smile twitched at her lips as her gaze settled on the 'big bad'. "Damn. I owe Willow ten bucks."

"Hey, it wasn't me. I told him to keep his pants on. He's got a very large ass." Spike protested. "Not that I've seen it! Except in a speedo." Buffy continued to smile. Faith and Dawn tilted their heads and grinned with the fond memory. Spike blithely continued on. "I couldn't help but look! It was like the Grand Canyon, there was nothing else in sight. It filled the bloody room." She began to laugh and he actually blushed. "Anyway, it's the goddamn poof, not Angelus."

Meanwhile, Diamond had started to explore the exciting world of people she was now faced with. As she started to sniff Riley, he leaned down and tried to pick her up. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty ... "

Angel frowned. He walked over and took the kitten away from Riley, carefully watching the man. "I know about you and what you do with animals. Hands off the kitty."

"What's that supposed to mean? Who's the pervert? What's going on?" When nobody would look him in the eye, he sighed. Sure, he had worked for a mad government scientist who had tried to turn humanity into a race of mutant half people half demons, but these Sunnydale people were just strange. He sneaked a peak at Angel's behind as he walked across the room. It didn't look that large. Maybe it was a metaphor?

Faith was watching Buffy, who continued to stare at Spike, who was holding Dawn's hand. Dawn stared at Angel who had just rescued her cat from dubious harm. Angel frowned at Riley, who just looked confused.

"Can I say something here?" Riley asked.

"NO!" Buffy shouted.

"Buffy, hear me out. Dawn is old enough to make her own decisions and--" He trailed off as everyone stopped looking at him.

Spike sneered at Riley as he turned back to Dawn. "Shut up, G.I. Joe."

Faith's eyes lit up with a brilliant idea. "B, come out in the hall with me a second."

Buffy regarded her suspiciously. She remembered the time Faith had grabbed her and switched their bodies with a magical charm. "Alright, talky but no touchy."

Spike smirked. "Lover's spat, pet?"

"At least I've never seen her ass." Buffy shot him one more "if only I could stake you" look before following Faith into the hallway.

Riley fidgeted with his taser, uncomfortably. "So, what's new, guys?"

Angel glared at him. "Shut up." He petted Diamond reassuringly before turning a malevolent look at the hapless Iowa boy. "Pervert."

"Alright. Talk." Buffy crossed her arms over her chest.

"What's a matter, B? No hug? No kiss?" Faith laughed. "Alright, alright. Let's get to the point. Either way, Dawn's going to get married, eventually, right?"

"I guess..."

"Then why should it matter if it's now or later?"

"Because, he's the type to skip town. Vamps can't be trusted to stick around."

"Not around blondes maybe." Buffy winced, and Faith held up her hands. "Promised myself I wouldn't do this. We're not going to get into this, for D's sake."

Buffy nodded. "Alright. What's your point?"

"Look, you know that Spike was made for commitment. Look how long he was with Dru." Buffy nodded again, point taken. "And if he misbehaves, you can take him out and beat him. He's not human. Hell, if he hurts her, I'll help you beat him."

Buffy tried not to smile. "I still don't know about this." She got a funny look in her eye. "He didn't sound like Mr. Monogamous on the phone the other night. As a matter of face, he made it sound like..."

"Hey, you married the pervert. He was just trying to make you mad." Faith laughed. "How long have you known Spike anyway? The guy loves to make trouble." She sent Buffy a persuasive smile. "Think of it like this. If you make him go through with a full wedding, one that takes planning..." Faith waited for Buffy to get the idea before continuing. "You can make him go to flower shops, wedding planners, bakeries, dress shops, countless tuxedo fittings... endless churches. Interviews with priests, and pastors."

Buffy was catching on. "I can make him wear pastels."

"Exactly." Faith grinned. "Think 'wedding shower', B. Lots of girly stuff to ooh and ahhh about. Potpourri. Kitchen towels. Bath salts."

"I don't care what they say. You're still a little evil." Buffy linked her arm in Faith's as they headed back in. "This might just be fun."

Dawn was admiring her ring in the light of a lamp. Riley still awkwardly held the tazer, though it was pointed at his feet.

"So, what will I call them?" Spike mused. "My Slayers-in-Law?" He looked at Angel for an opinion, the older vampire just shrugged. The younger vampire gulped as he imagined his future in laws. "It might be easier to deal with two mothers-in-law."

"Maybe. But then you wouldn't end up with Dawn." At this, the young Slayer looked up and smiled at them both. Then she went back to admiring her first and only engagement ring.

Spike leaned back and put his boots on the table and his hands behind his head. "All of this is worth it if I end up with Dawn."

"You don't deserve her." Angel glared at his footwear. "Feet off the table."

Spike put his feet down. "I know that."

"Good. So, can I be the best man?" Angel asked hopefully.

"Well, let me think about it, Peaches. Who's a better man, you or me?"

"We aren't men, you dolt. But if we were, I'm clearly the best."

"Says you." There was no rancor in Spike's voice. Suddenly, he felt quiet peaceful with his engagement ring on Dawn's finger. The world just got a little brighter. He couldn't even summon the energy to really needle the poof anymore. He made a last ditch effort. "Let me see you walk. No poofy sashay mind you. Walk like a real man. Swagger a bit." He gestured towards the middle of the room. "Like John Wayne."

Angel was a little disappointed that Spike hadn't taken him seriously. After all, it wasn't every day that a childe got married. Then, he looked at Spike angrily. "Bite me." Angel said succinctly.

"No! There will be no biting... or anything else when I'm in the room!" Riley asserted. Buffy had voiced some concerns about Angel's "relationship" with Spike. He didn't want to witness anything that would scar him for life.

"Yeah, right. Like you'd mind some biting, pervert." Spike chuckled darkly. "How quickly we forget? I've seen you with a two bit blood whore."

"Shut up, Riley." Angel ordered.

Spike regarded Angel again. "Do you really want to be the best man?" There was the barest hint of hope in Spike's eyes.

"Look at it this way, do you want Riley to do the job?" Angel said. Riley looked up hopefully. Then Angel reached out and clapped Spike on the shoulder. "Of course I want to be the best man."

"You're hired." Spike said quickly. Riley scowled.

Later on that evening, Riley stood in the kitchen of the Hyperion Hotel. He had always had a soft spot for cats. He'd had one as a kid and loved to watch "Tigger" chase mice on the farm. "Here kitty kitty... " He had a small can of gourmet cat food in his hand. He cracked it open.

The small feline was curled up on a rug by the sink and purring peacefully. It sniffed the air delicately and opened one eye. Diamond began to purr. "Come here, kitty." Spike and Dawn had gone on a whirlwind shopping spree to buy kitty supplies. Angel had insisted that the "little jewel's" cat potty have a lid over it and that it be kept out of sight.

Meanwhile, Angel and Spike had gotten hungry and wanted to share a bag of blood. They were in the midst of some serious sire/childe bonding. They were about to open the door when they heard Riley's voice. "Come here, kitty. I've got something good for you, Diamond."

Spike pressed a hand to his mouth to cover the gasp of outrage. He had certainly lived a depraved existence but he had never ever attempted to seduce a cat. "That's disgusting." He hissed, tapping Angel's shoulder.

"See, I told you he was a sicko. He's trying to molest your cat."

Meanwhile, Riley had coated his finger with food and the kitten was licking it off as he petted his snowy white fur. Diamond was purring throatily. "See, I told you it would be good, didn't I?" He chuckled.

He sniffed the air. "Oh my God, he's using cat food to seduce the kitty. Eww." Angel said, shaking his head. "We've got to stop this."

"Yeah, but what are we going to see on the other side of this door? Do you really want to see Riley, the Full Monty?"

Angel rolled his eyes. "Be serious. He hasn't even got a half a Monty." He was about to open the door when his hand was stayed by Spike.

"Maybe we should get a picture."

"What for? Sexy Kitten Weekly? Yuck."

"For blackmailing purposes, poof. I might need it when the Slayers-in-law decide to make my life hell on earth."

The kitten, whose tiny belly was full, rolled over on his back so Riley could stroke him. He found himself going into baby talk. "Who's a beautiful kitty? Huh? Is that you? Huh? Are you my precious little kitty witty kins? Are you a pretty wittle kitty kins?" Diamond arched his back and purred.

"No, no time for a camera. We've got to stop this now. Just think of what I'll have to bleach in there." Angel insisted. He threw open the door to find Riley crouched over the hapless kitten. "Hold it right there, perv. Step away from the kitty!"

"Meow?" Diamond said.

"Yeah, Captain Cardboard. Get your sick self away from poor little Diamond."

The small kitten looked up at the two large vampire. "Meow."

"It's okay." Angel comforted it. "We'll get you a bath in some anti-bacterial soap. It's going to be alright."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Riley asked, starting to stand up from the floor. From Angel and Spike's perspective, his back was half turned to them.

"Stay right there. Keep your Monty to yourself." Angel asserted.

"What's a Monty?" Riley asked.

"I told you he didn't know what goes where." Spike crowed.

"Do you mean Monty Python? That's the only Monty I know about."

"I doubt it's like a python." Angel said defensively. He didn't want any comparisons made between himself and Riley in Buffy's mind.

"What the hell are you two talking about?!" Riley shouted. "I've had enough! I don't understand a single damn thing you've two said since I've been here!"

"Why is that not surprising?" Angel said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Just zip up and we'll forget about all of this.

"WHAT?!" Riley asked, still with his back to the vampires. "What does zipping up have to do with anything?"

"He's saying to put your pickle back in the jar, halfwit. Y'know, put the cow in the barn? You should pick up on those farm euphuisms, right?

"You thought I-"

"Yep." Spike said, eyes dancing wickedly. "Buffy told us."

Riley turned around but the vampires put their hands over their eyes. "I'm not naked!"

Angel lowered his hands and looked at Riley gingerly. "Guess not."

"You sure about that, mate?" Spike said, eyes still shut.

"Positive. Nothing over there except those unfashionable khaki pants."

"Buffy didn't tell you that I... I..."

"Did the wild thing?" Spike offered.

"Uh, yeah. With a... with a..."

"Goat?" Angel offered.

"We didn't even raise goats!" Riley said defensively.

"Oh, so there are still new pastures for you to explore, eh?" Spike said, grinning maniacally.

"I don't have sex with animals!" Riley denied. "You have to be making this up."

"We just saw you seduce a kitten."

"I was petting her!"

"Heavy petting?" Spike asked.

"SHUT UP!" Riley said, storming out of the room.

Angel and Spike high-fived each other as they saw the door shut behind him. "That's a lot of fun. No wonder you've been doing this to me for so long." Angel said, wonder in his voice.

"It'll get better." Spike beckoned with his hand. "Let's go eavesdrop on the newlyweds."

Angel followed him. "Alright, Spike. But if I hear anything bark or meow or tweet or whinny, I'm outta there."

"I think watching grass grow might be more exciting." Spike said, leaning against the door to Riley and Buffy's suite.

"Shhhh." Angel admonished, listening intently. "They're talking about sex."

Spike perked up. "They are?"

"No. My bad. She said 'hex'."

"Maybe it's about Red. Hey, maybe she's going to put a spell on someone." He wrinkled his brow. "Hope it isn't me. Last time she did that I ended up smooching Buffy."

"You kissed Buffy?" Angel asked, incredulous.

"I didn't say that I enjoyed it." Spike retorted. "Actually we were engaged."

"Huh." Angel said, contemplating the complexities of life. "You've been engaged to both Summers girls."

"Yep. She chose me. And not you." He smiled in triumph.

"Only because-"

"What are you two doing?"

The two vampires looked up to see Dawn looming over them, arms crossed. "Uhh-" Angel hesitated.

"Protecting Buffy." Spike said smoothly.

Dawn's lips twitched. "Not bloody likely." She said, imitating her soon-to-be husband's accent perfectly.

Spike grinned and elbowed Angel. "Ha! She said 'bloody!'"

"You're a bad influence on her." Angel huffed. "She's starting to swear!"

"Bloody isn't a swear word. Not really. She's just adding color to her vocabulary."

"We'll debate my use of the English language later, guys." Dawn said dryly, sensing a small spat was about to erupt. She still couldn't believe the two would spend time with each other willingly. "Spike, can you give me a couple of hours with Angel?"

"Why?" Spike asked, his jealousy was still just under the surface.

"To talk."

"Nibblet, anything you can say to my sire, you can say to me."

"Please?" She gave him the deadly and defeating puppy dog eyes.

"Alright." Spike stood up and offered Angel a hand to stand up. Angel took it and noticed the younger vampire's grip was a little too firm. He got the silent message. 'She's mine.'

Spike pulled Dawn into his embrace and pressed a kiss just under her earlobe. Then he bit the tender skin gently before whispering in her ear. "Come see me afterwards, pet. I think we have some celebrating to do." He kissed his way to her mouth which he then possessed with a fiery kiss. He extricated himself from her just as swiftly. "Until later, sweet bit." He gave her a smoldering look before he walked down the hall.

Dawn was left to lean against the wall shakily. She gulped in some air. "Wow."

Angel waved. "Uh, Dawn? Earth to Dawn. You still there?"

"Yeah. Hmmm mmmm." She bit her lip and tried to get a hold of herself. "Talk to you. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you."

Angel gave her a big smile and tamped down on the slight stab of jealousy. "Come on, princess. Let's go have a talk." He walked her down the hall to his bedroom, wondering what was going through her mind.