Author: Dawn

Summary: Spike finds something to live for when he thinks that there is nothing left. S/D friendship. Takes place after "As You Were". AU after that.

Spoilers: Anything before "As You Were" is fair game.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Joss still owns it.

Distribution: Anywhere but please ask first.

Author's Note: Sorry it took me so long to update. I've actually had to work at work. Can you imagine? And writing at home is impossible with a 2- year-old so there you have it. Hope you enjoy.

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Spike came to consciousness slowly. He could tell it was early because the daysleep was still pulling at him. He opened bleary eyes to read the digital clock beside the bed. It glared 8:30 am at him. He groaned and turned over slowly. He couldn't say what it was that had woken him. He stopped when he nearly rolled over Dawn. She was simply lying there staring at the ceiling, her eyes wide and unseeing.

"Hey, bit." Spike said loudly, snapping his fingers in front of her face. She blinked rapidly, and turned her head to find him looking worriedly at her. She smiled quickly to reassure him.

"I think I was asleep with my eyes open," she joked. Spike let out a relieved breath, and jerked the covers off of her and over himself playfully. She laughed and pulled back, but he had them so wrapped around him that it was hopeless. The fighting ceased and Dawn suddenly grew serious. She lay beside him, propping her head up and giving him a resolved look.

"I want to learn to fight like you." He was kind of caught off guard with her request. For so long, she had denied that she was any different from any other girl. Now, suddenly she wanted to learn?

"I'm not gonna teach you to fight so you can have a bitch slap contest with your sister," he stated firmly. He could tell by her reaction that he wasn't far off.

"I don't want to kick Buffy's ass or anything, but I'd like to be able to defend myself against her if she tries to hit me again."

"Dawn, you know that was a mistake. She would never do that again. She was angry and upset, and reacted without thinking."

"Is that how you justify the way she treated you too? She was angry and frustrated and just needed a good fu.."

"Stop it. This isn't about me. And I'm not defending what she did yesterday, but I know she didn't mean to hit you and she's sorry for it," Spike said angrily.

"Why are you taking up for her?" Dawn demanded, sitting up quickly.

"Because somebody has to." He could see Dawn's face getting redder, and he thought maybe now was a good time to tell her about his little visit last night.

"Calm down, bit. I went over to see big sis last night and she was... well, she was really upset. She wants more than anything to get herself straightened out so you can come home and the two of you can be a family again."

"You trying to get rid of me?" Dawn pouted. Spike rolled his eyes and, quicker than she could react, brushed her elbow out from under her so that she fell flat on the bed.

"No, you nit, but it's what you need. And I'm all about giving you what you need." He smiled that evil grin and did the eyebrow thing again. Dawn could see that she was about to be tickled mercilessly, so she did what any fifteen-year-old girl would do; she squealed and ran for her life. She made it to her bathroom and was able to slam the door shut and lock it before Spike could catch her.

"Dammit!" Spike slammed into the door and nearly knocked himself out. "You just wait till you get out of there, little girl! You can't stay in there forever!" he warned.

"I can try! I'll may have to tunnel to my room with spoons, but I'll find a way past you!" she called back, in between giggles. This was how he wanted to see her. Laughing and happy, with no dark thoughts to plague her. This was how he wanted to see both of the Summers women. He knew it would end the minute he brought up Buffy again, but he had to get things right between those two even if he had to tie them in a room together until they worked it out -- or killed each other. Either way, his problems would be over. The first option had a lot more appeal, though.

When Dawn finally did come out, she was not met with Spike ready to pounce but him standing in the kitchen doorway with a solemn face.

"What's up?" she asked hesitantly. He simply cocked his head to the side, indicating she should go to the living room. She rounded the corner and saw her sister sitting nervously on the couch. Dawn stopped short and just stared at her. She was here. Here in Spike's house. Anger threatened to overcome her, and it took Spike's hand on her arm to bring her around. She looked over at him and saw the fear in his eyes. He looked to Buffy.

"Give us a minute pet," he told Buffy, then pulled Dawn into her room and shut the door. He put both hands on her shoulders and just held her steady.

"Dawn, look at me." She found his steady gaze and held it. There was a strange ringing in her ears, and the room seemed to have hazy edges. She focused more intently on the blue of Spike's worried eyes.

"Dawn, you're scaring me, luv. Snap out of it," he begged, giving her shoulders a slight shake.

"What is she doing here?" she asked angrily.

"I don't know. She showed up a few minutes after you got in the shower. I'm assuming she's here to chat about last night though, don't you?"

"I don't want to talk to her. Make her go away." Dawn responded childishly, even sticking out her bottom lip in a pout. Spike rolled his eyes.

"She's not a door to door salesman, Dawn, she's your sister. I'm not gonna make her go away. You need to talk to her, and she did come all the way over here to apologize. Give her a chance to at least explain."

"Oh yeah, she walked all of a mile to get here and all she's gonna do is tell me how sorry she is and how it'll never happen again. I don't want to hear it. She hit me, Spike. She hit me, and it hurt, and all over a speculation. One that she shouldn't even be having, by the way," she added fervently. Spike hung his head and dropped his hands from her shoulders.

"Bit, you know she didn't mean it, and that's why she's here. She had the guts to come over and face you. That's got to be sincere, right?" Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a hard look.

"Nothing she can say could possibly make up for what she did. She could apologize for the rest of her life and it wouldn't cover it."

"No, it won't. But that's what forgiveness is, pet. It's letting go of something that you probably shouldn't because you love the other person." She could see the pain in his eyes at that statement. It's what he'd had to do for Buffy, too. All the air went out of her at that.

"Can't I stay mad for at least one whole day?" she whined softly. Spike chuckled and pulled her into a quick hug.

"I'll let you stay mad at me for a week if you do this for me today, okay?" She could hear the note of pleading in his voice. She hugged him back and then pulled away.

"Fine. You win. You know I can't say no to that face," she groused, as he rewarded her with full-on puppy dog eyes and pouty lips. She laughed and pushed against his chest, trying to knock him off balance. He grabbed at her and they both wound up on the floor, vying for the dominant position. It was at that moment, with Spike straddling Dawn's waist and his hands splayed over her sides, that Buffy chose to open the door without knocking. The pair on the floor looked up in surprise, and heat flooded Buffy's face. There was a gasp, but no one was sure who did it.

"Oh, God...I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to..." Buffy was already turning away when Spike scrambled off the floor, cursing, and pulled Dawn up quickly. He went after the Slayer and reached her before she got to the front door.

"Buffy stop." He grabbed her upper arm and swung her around. She pulled away violently and nearly fell against the door. Dawn came barreling into the room and almost toppled Spike over in her haste to explain to her sister what she'd just seen.

"Buffy, we were just messing around," Dawn started to say.

"Yeah, I could see that." Buffy replied sarcastically. Anger once again flooded through Dawn.

"You know what? Screw you. I don't have to explain myself to you anyway. If you want to think horrible things about me then you go right ahead, but not about him." Dawn's voice was hard and tinged with bitterness. Buffy's eyes darted from one to the other.

"We were just playing around, Buffy. I was trying to get her calmed down so you two could talk and it just went to second grade from there," Spike said hastily. He could see Buffy wavering and wanting to believe him but, after what he'd admitted last night, it was difficult. And the thing was, she knew they hadn't been doing anything she should stake Spike for, but it hurt to see the two of them so happy together when she was so miserable. She let out a loud sigh and slumped against the door. She just couldn't keep up the outraged demeanor. She was just too tired.

She hadn't slept at all the night before, fearing the conversation she knew was inevitable with Dawn. Even with Spike's scent still lingering in her room, she had no peace. Then she'd had to get up and explain herself and the events of the day before to Julia. It was at the counselor's suggestion that she had come over this morning. She had wanted to wait a couple of days, but Julia had insisted she should take care of it immediately.

Once again, someone telling her what to do. Such was her life, it seemed. She wished now she had stayed at home. Every time she walked through the door of Spike's apartment, she felt as if she were intruding on a world where she didn't belong and had no place in.

"Please, just come back in and let's sit down and hash this out, al' right?" Spike asked softly. Dawn turned and went to the couch to take up her position at one end, which would relegate Buffy at the other end and Spike in the middle. Life imitating unspoken circumstances. But Spike wasn't about to get stuck between these two while they fought, so he wound up propped against the door, just watching and ready to referee should the need arise.

Buffy didn't take up the opposite end, either. Instead, she sat in the middle of the couch closer to Dawn. Spike nearly laughed as the younger Summers scrunched herself up so that she could be as far from Buffy as possible without falling off the sofa. The room got uncomfortably quiet, as no one knew how to begin. It was finally Buffy who broke the uneasy silence.

"Are you okay?" she asked Dawn, not looking at her. She didn't want to see the red welt that she'd probably left on the girl's face. There was no answer for several minutes, but Buffy couldn't force herself to turn that way.

"I'm fine." Dawn's voice sounded small, like a child who has been chastised by a parent and is afraid their normal tone might offend. It broke Buffy's heart.

"I know that saying I'm sorry isn't enough, but I want you to know that I am. There is no excuse for what I did. I just lost it, and I know better. I don't blame you for being afraid of me still. How can you even trust me? All I've done since I came back is hurt you. But, Dawnie," she began, finally swinging around to face her sister, "I love you. I gave my life for you, and I'd do it again in a second. And not because I want to die, but because I can't imagine my life without you in it. I told Giles this before, but I just couldn't live in a world that would expect me to kill my own sister in order to save it. It doesn't make sense. And, when I jumped, I felt with all my heart that it was what I was supposed to do. And now I'm back, and the person I died to save hates me, and every time I open my mouth I hurt her with what I say." Buffy was trying not to cry. She didn't want Dawn to forgive her out of sympathy. But she could see that Dawn was already breaking. There were tears in her eyes as well and her bottom lip was trembling from trying to hold back the sobs.

She looked back at Spike, but could read nothing from his expression. A brick wall had nothing on this guy.

"I truly am sorry about... hitting you." She could barely get it out. "But, more than that, I'm sorry that since Willow and the guys brought me back I haven't been the sister you needed me to be. I'm sorry that you had to find another place to live because I couldn't take care of you. And I just thank God Spike was there to take up my slack." She looked to him again, and he simply nodded his understanding at what she was trying to say.

"But," Dawn raised her head from where she'd been wiping at her eyes at the stern tone in Buffy's voice, "I'm not gonna take all the blame here, Dawn. I know I haven't exactly lived up to my end of the deal here, but your end isn't exactly eye level, either. I needed your help, Dawnie. I needed you to understand and just cut me a little slack and you didn't. You got in trouble, snuck out, and ditched school. I know you're a teenager and crying out for attention and all that, but our circumstances are not normal, so you don't get to be normal either."

"We don't live in the same world as those people, Dawn. Where we live is dangerous and violent and hard. I needed you to step up to that, and you didn't. If you don't want to live with me that's one thing, but don't make it all my fault. You could have helped out a little. You're gonna be sixteen soon, and it's about time you start to realize that you're gonna be expected to grow up faster than most kids. I need a partner, not a daughter," Buffy stated harshly.

Dawn was taken aback. Buffy had never been so brutally honest with her and, boy, was she good at it. Dawn knew her face must be red because she could feel the heat of embarrassment rising in her cheeks.

"I'm not here to justify what I did yesterday with all this, but it's something I needed to say and have wanted to say for a long time. Maybe now wasn't the best time, but there it is. Now it's out there, and you know how I feel. You're disappointed in me and I get that, but I'm a little disappointed in you, too. I really thought out of everybody you would understand and be there for me, and you weren't. You just took up the roll of wounded sibling and ran with it. Well, I'm not gonna pity you, 'cause the way I see it, you got the better end of the deal." She didn't look at Spike but Dawn knew what she meant, and the truth of everything her sister had just said was weighing so heavily on her she didn't know if she could stand it.

She had tried to be there for Buffy at first but, when she didn't respond immediately, Dawn gave up. Too quickly, evidently. Buffy had been counting on her, and she believed Dawn had failed her. The younger girl couldn't process all Buffy had said fast enough.

"I tried," Dawn answered suddenly. It was the first thing she could think of; to defend herself.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"I tried to be there for you and you wouldn't let me. I tried to take care of you and help you get back to normal, but you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't talk to me, cry or scream or anything. It was like living with a zombie. And I did try to understand, but I just couldn't see how being back with us could be so horrible. I know you were in heaven and that this place must seem awful after that, but you were with your friends and people who loved you and still there was nothing from you. So, yeah, maybe I didn't 'step up' like you thought I should, but I tried, Buffy. I only stopped trying when you made it impossible. And it did hurt. It hurt like hell to know that you didn't want to be here with me. That you would rather be dead. I'm sorry if that bothered me, but you'll just have to get over it.

"I wasn't doing all those things you mentioned to hurt you or because of teenage angst; I was doing them to get you to notice that I was still alive. I didn't want your attention twenty-four seven, Buffy, but to have it for five minutes would have been nice. And not just from you, but from anybody," Dawn spat out.

"I don't want to be your daughter. You can never take mom's place ,and I didn't expect you to. I just wanted... It doesn't matter. None of this matters. I don't even know why we're talking about any of this. You didn't get what you thought you should from me and vice versa, so the way it looks to me we're even," she finished, standing up and indicating that she was done talking. She stood by the couch with arms crossed, as if telling Buffy it was time for her to leave, but Buffy wasn't finished and this was far from over.

"Dawn, you can't stay here forever. You have to come home eventually. Social Services is already sniffing around for any excuse to take you away, and if they find out you're living here with Spike they'll put you in foster care so fast it'll make your head spin," Buffy told her, hoping it would make a difference.

"Is that why you really came over here? Just to get Social Services off your back?"

"No. God, Dawnie, I want you home. That's why I came. And them coming around doesn't hurt me, it hurts you. It's not me they're after. I don't want you in that place or with strangers. I want you with me." Buffy was standing now too, and the pleading in her voice was evident.

"Why?" Dawn asked quietly.

"What? What are you talking about?" Buffy was confused.

"Why do you want me home?"

"Because that's where you belong. It's 'our' house, Dawnie. Not just mine. And it's empty without you there." Buffy threw up her hands in frustration. "Maybe you're right and maybe I'm wrong, okay? But it doesn't change the fact that something has got to give. If you come home, there will be rules, but there will also be a caring sister there too, I swear it. It won't be easy. It never has been, but it's worth it to me just to try. I don't want to lose you, Dawnie. Not after everything I did to save you," Buffy said fervently.

There was nothing Dawn could come back with. Buffy *had* died to save her. It was as simple as that. At the very least, she deserved a chance to prove that she wanted to work things out. Dawn dropped her defensive stance and rubbed at her temple that was now throbbing in time with her heartbeat.

"I don't want to fight any more, Buffy. Can we just not fight any more?" Her voice was strained and weary. Buffy reached over and ran her fingers through Dawn's dark hair like she used to do before she died. It brought fresh tears to Dawn's eyes.

"Yes, please." Buffy smiled slightly. Dawn reached out and enfolded her older sister in her arms. Buffy hugged her back tightly. Now that she had her here, she feared letting go.

"Can we just start over?" Dawn asked hopefully, squeezing her eyes shut tightly, hoping to block out everything that had happened in the last few weeks.

"Sounds good to me." Buffy agreed. "So when do you want to come home?" she asked, pulling back but not breaking contact with Dawn.

Dawn's attention was elsewhere, though. She was looking past Buffy and at the stricken expression on Spike's face. He was losing her. She was leaving him. That's all he could think.

"How 'bout the end of this week, okay? That way you'll have time to settle into your new job, and I'll have time to get my stuff together and move it home," Dawn offered. Buffy nodded and didn't turn to look at Spike. She knew what he looked like already. She was taking away something very precious to him, and he couldn't be happy about it. Even if he knew it had to be done, it would still be hard on him.

"Okay then. Next Saturday or Sunday, then?" Dawn squeezed her hand to let her know that was fine.

"I better get back. Julia's leaving tonight and there's still some stuff she wants to show me about meditation and focusing my anger and such. Got to be able to get in touch with my 'chi' and all that." Buffy smiled again. Dawn walked her to the door and they said their goodbyes. Buffy didn't bother to talk to Spike because she knew he wouldn't know how to react to her about all of this.

Once she was gone, Dawn closed the door and leaned against it. She let out a loud sigh and her head fell back against the wood. When she opened her closed eyes, she nearly let out a yelp at how close Spike was to her suddenly. She could see the conflict in his eyes. On the one hand, he had gotten what he wanted. She was going home to fix things with Buffy. But, on the other hand, that meant she was leaving him. He couldn't even begin to think about how lonely this place would be without her in it. He knew she would still come over and even spend weekends with him, but it wouldn't be the same.

Dawn's hands came up to cup his face. She ran her thumbs over his full bottom lip and met his worried gaze.

"It's gonna be okay. So I won't be here all the time. Nothing else will change. We can still hang out after I get home from school and I can stay here on the weekends if I'm not grounded," she joked, but he didn't smile. His hands were resting lightly on her hips and he wanted so badly to pull her to him and kiss her until she turned to pudding, but he knew that wasn't a good idea. Things were bad enough without the two Summers women fighting over him. Not that he thought he was all that -- well, okay, he did, but the last thing he wanted was to be the thing that wedged them apart again. Fortunately, Dawn seemed to be reading his mind. She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss against his lips, and then she moved away and went to finish getting dressed.

TBC