Author: Dawn

Summary: Spike finds something to live for when he thinks that there is nothing left. S/D friendship. Takes place after "As You Were". AU after that.

Spoilers: Anything before "As You Were" is fair game.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Joss still owns it.

Distribution: Anywhere but please ask first.

Author's Note: Some people have way too much time on their hands. To all of those who give great reviews or at the very least some 'constructive' criticism, thank you.

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Dawn didn't want Spike to sink into a self-imposed depression so, as soon as the sun set, she made him leave the house and take her out for a night on the town. They wound up at some artsy Italian film with subtitles that had them laughing so hard it nearly made her sick.

Afterwards they went to an all night video arcade and shot at zombies on the "House of the Dead" game until her fingers were sore and she couldn't pull the trigger any more. When they left there, they grabbed some greasy fast food and headed to the park. With Spike there, she knew she would be safe. Normally it was suicide to go to the Sunnydale Park after sundown. It was like asking to be something's dinner.

They walked to the playground section and sat down on the swings. The night air was cool and damp, sending tendrils of Dawn's hair curling around her face. They sat in comfortable silence with Spike reaching over to steal the occasional French fry. There was so much they both wanted to say, but neither knew where to start. They'd spent an amazing few weeks together re-establishing the connection they had once shared. And, of course, now they had the physical relationship to deal with, too.

Spike kicked at the sand under the swing, making designs and then wiping them away with the tip of his boot. He was trying to put on a brave face for Dawn. He didn't want her to feel guilty for making the right decision. For him, it was just that he'd never lived with someone he actually enjoyed being with all the time.

With Dru he had been her caregiver and protector. They'd had a blast at first, sweeping through Europe wreaking havoc wherever they went. But things had changed after Prague. And, if he were honest with himself, things had started to change way before that. It had become more and more difficult to talk to Dru, who was always seeing things that weren't there and whispering to dolls. She'd walked between worlds, and her mind was always on things that were not him. And, of course, she had never forgotten her beloved "Daddy". Constantly being compared to the great poof was not his idea of fun. He'd been devastated when she left him because, for the first time in a hundred years, he was alone with no one to take care of.

With Harmony -- well, that was barely worth mentioning, since he hadn't been able to stand the stupid bint and had only been using her for sex because he couldn't have Buffy. She had prattled on incessantly at all times and he'd wanted to stake her on more than one occasion. He couldn't believe he'd been able to refrain from killing her or kicking her out for as long as he had.

But with Dawn, everything was different. First of all, he loved her to distraction. And it was love like he'd never had before because it was unconditional and unwarranted on his part. He could actually have a civilized, intelligent conversation with her too, and they shared so many of the same interests, although he'd never admit that to anyone. They liked the same movies, the same music (mostly) and obsessed over the same food. He just had fun with her. He'd never had that before. Somebody he could just hang out with and be himself and that was okay. She didn't expect anything from him except his love in return, and he gave that willingly.

The only thing that bothered him was that she hadn't questioned him at all lately about his intentions toward her after their physical encounters. He was a little concerned about that. Most guys would be high-fiving each other that a girl they'd made a move on wasn't pressuring them into a relationship, but Spike had never been a normal guy. He wasn't sure what Dawn thought about any of it. He wasn't sure himself. At the time, he just hadn't been able to stop himself. His biggest fear was that she thought he was toying with her, that she was a replacement for Buffy -- or just brushing it off as a passing fancy of his. That she could think he would even do that to her made him angry. But again, she had admitted to none of this, so he couldn't really be mad at her.

"Hey, what's with the sad face?" Dawn asked, finishing off her hamburger.

He sat up and grabbed hold of the chains of his swing and kicked off. He didn't want to talk about any of the stuff on his mind tonight. Tonight was about forgetting. Forgetting that they had one week left. Forgetting that they had shared passion. Forgetting that he still had lingering feelings for Buffy. He swung higher and higher to escape her question until he was actually leaving his seat at the height the swing would start its descent. Dawn just watched him, and didn't try to stop him. She knew he had a lot on his mind and some of it he didn't want to bring up tonight, which she was grateful for.

She knew they would have to discuss some things eventually, but she was hoping to put it off until later. It was kind of exciting not knowing from one minute to the next what to expect from Spike. Made life a lot less boring. And she hated that they would some day have to label it and put it in the category of being involved or not. In a way it would be nice, because she would know for sure that he wanted only her, but in another light it wouldn't be nearly as fun. Maybe that made her something of a 'bad' girl, but she didn't give a damn. She was having the time of her life with him and whether that included sexual intimacy or not, she really didn't care at this point. She wasn't going to push him into a decision and lose his friendship because in the end, if he did choose Buffy, she didn't want to be left without what they had now. It was better to have him like this than not at all.

He finally started to drag his feet to slow down and then he came to a stop. His voice broke the still night.

"I'm glad you gave her a chance, luv. It's probably more than I could've done. But I'll miss you like crazy," he admitted, reaching out to trace her dew-dampened cheek.

"I'm not going to Egypt, Spike. It's just down the road. Look at the bright side. No more stealing all the hot water or picking up after me. No more fighting over the TV," she joked, poking at his ribs. He chuckled softly, and pulled away from her searching fingers.

"Well, there is that." He started pushing his boots through the sand again and turning side to side in his swing. She knew he was trying to keep it light and not bring up all the stuff he would miss about having her there.

"It'll be fine. You'll see. You'll love having your place back all to yourself. Now you can do all that guy stuff you can't do with me there," she teased.

"Yeah, course. It'll be brilliant. No more late night talks, or jaunts to the beach, or pillow fights. No more having someone to eat with or snark at the TV with. No one to check on in the middle of the night and brush the hair from her face and watch her sleep." He pushed himself out of the swing angrily and started pacing in front of her. His hands were already working through his hair.

"Ahhh, I know I'm being stupid. I wanted this. I'm happy about this. Bollocks. That's a bloody lie!" he said suddenly, stopping in front of her. "I don't want you to go. What I want is for you to stay with me. That's what I really want. There, I said it. Yeah, it makes me a terrible person, but, vampire here, remember?" He grasped the links of her swing tightly, trapping her there.

"No, don't say that. What makes you good is that you want me to stay but you'll let me go 'cause you know it's the right thing to do," she stated firmly. Spike sighed and hung his head.

"I'm overreacting. I know this." He said it so quietly she could barely hear him.

"I must be rubbing off on you." She laughed, but it died quickly in her throat at the desire now flickering in the depths of his eyes.

"Spike," she said, with censure in her tone. He growled and jerked away, leaving her swing to sway wildly.

"I'm going bleeding insane here, Dawn." He came back to her, but couldn't stand still.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I do want to have you. I want you so bad it aches. But it seems there can't be one without the other." He fell to his knees with his hands landing on her upper thighs. She knew her face was flushed but, in the dark, she hoped he didn't notice. But, of course, he would be able to hear her racing heart.

"You want me?" Her voice was incredulous. Spike growled again.

"What do you think all this has been about? The kissing and touching and... of course I want you. Are you blind?"

"No just inexperienced." She threw back.

"I'm sorry. Please don't be angry," he begged, rubbing her jean clad legs in a soothing gesture. Her hand found its way into his hair and she mussed it gently.

"I'm not mad. I'm... in disbelief, mainly. I mean, how could you want me? I'm skinny and pale and," she didn't get to finish before his fingers covered her lips to stop the flow of words.

"Don't. Don't do that. You're beautiful. You're a Summers. You don't have a choice. It's genetic." He assured her. He could feel her smile against his skin. She grasped his hand and twined her fingers with his. She began to softly stroke the back of it.

"I know what you want. And when you kiss me, it's what I want to. But then, when it's over and I'm away from you, I know I'm not ready for anything else, Spike. The thought of 'being' with you scares me to death. I mean, come on -- I've only kissed two guys and you're the second. Emotionally I don't think I'm ready to have sex with anybody, least of all someone as experienced as you." He couldn't help but smirk at her backhanded compliment.

"And if it's between sex or friendship then I'll take the friendship," she admitted quietly.

"We can't have both?" he asked.

"Not now, no. It would just be too confusing. I mean, you just got out of a relationship with my sister. How uncomfortable would that be? You and me making out on the couch while she's in the kitchen? I don't think so. Besides, I don't want to be rebound girl." He was denying it before the words left her mouth.

"That's not what this is."

"I know that. But she doesn't. And you think she would let you near me if she found out we were sleeping together? She'd hunt you down and kill you. If not out of some protective instinct, then out of pure jealousy. Buffy may not want to admit it, Spike, but she does feel something for you. She would never sleep with somebody she didn't. And this isn't easy for me to say. Don't think that I don't want to be with you, 'cause I do. I think about it all the time and dream about it every night. The timing just sucks." She looked up at him finally. He was so beautiful, kneeling there in front of her with the moonlight turning his hair to silver. If anyone happened upon them they might think he was proposing. Dawn sighed heavily. If only life weren't so complicated.

Why couldn't he just be a guy and she just be a girl? Was there a parallel dimension where vampires and age-old keys didn't exist? Would he even notice her there? Ugh, why bring even more complicated questions into a seemingly impossible situation. The fact remained that he was a vampire and she was just a girl shaped key. And there was too much history surrounding them and between them for anything more than friendship to be possible. So she would step aside and let Buffy pursue him as hard as she liked, and see where things went from there. Because she knew her sister and, once Buffy set her mind to getting something, she didn't back down until it was hers.

"This has to be it, Spike. There is no other way. Yeah, maybe it's settling but for now I don't see another option. We have to pretend that we don't see each other as anything more than friends. We have to avoid explosive situations and innuendo -- which will be especially hard for you, I know." She tried to joke, but she could see he wasn't in a laughing mood now.

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want... or maybe it is. But I don't want to lose you again. And if that means you're with Buffy, then so be it. At least I'll still have something of you. Who knows what time will change?" He stood so suddenly she nearly fell out of the swing.

He looked down on her and tried to see what she thought everyone else saw. A little girl. But, for the life of him, he couldn't see it anymore. Now, when he looked at her he saw her with kiss-swollen lips and passion glazed eyes. She would never be a little girl to him anymore. Now, every time he looked at her, he would see the woman who had slipped through his fingers. And he would do what she wanted because he didn't want to lose her either. And if this was all she could handle, then it was what he would give her. It wouldn't be easy, but he would do it for her.

"But I still have tonight, right? You said it had to end, but we still have minutes to this day being over. So can it start tomorrow?" he begged, in a broken voice.

"Spike, please don't make this harder on me than it already is. I know what I'm giving up here, remember? I know who you really are inside, and I know the love you're capable of giving and, starting tomorrow, I have to pretend I don't. Please don't make me hate my sister." She started to cry. She had tried not to most of the night, but she couldn't hold it back now. If he touched her now she would fall apart. And she would loathe a sister that could turn him away so easily. A person who could abuse him and mistreat him and throw his love back at him as if it meant nothing. Because to Dawn, it would mean everything.

He was on his knees in seconds, pulling her off the swing and into his arms. He held her as she cried, her tears splashing against the leather of his coat. She savored his nearness and breathed him in because this might be the closest she got to him for a long time.

Spike knew it was selfish, but her torment was tearing him apart. He tried to fight the urge to make her forget but, before he could stop himself, his lips had already found hers and her tears were burning his tongue. He kissed the salt from her skin and returned to christen her mouth. He took long pulls from her lips and lazily traced the sides of her face with his fingers. He just wanted this. One more time, to show her what he really felt for her. One more time, before it could never happen again. Minutes passed, and he continued to savor the taste of her. Her hands were digging into his shoulders and her legs held his firmly between them. He wished they could stay like this until the sun rose and he became dust in her arms. That would be a lot easier than what she was asking him to do.

Suddenly the old clock tower on the outskirts of the park boomed its first chime for midnight. The sound scared them apart, and they sat holding the other's fearful gaze. With abandon, Dawn threw her arms around his neck and held onto him as if he'd disappear when the chiming ended. When the last bell died away, she released him and moved away until there was a foot of space separating them. They simply looked at each other from this distance, saying things without words.

The hushed and quiet world continued on without any knowledge of what might have been lost on this night.

TBC