Title: Picking Up the Pieces Chapter 9

Summary: Spike finds something to live for when he thinks there is nothing left. S/D friendship, S/B eventually. Takes place after "As You Were" and is AU after that.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Still don't own them.

Author's Note: And away we go!

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Spike awoke to a twingy headache and guilt the size of Texas. What the hell had he been thinking? He'd made out with Buffy's little sister. Ugh. He'd been drunk. Yeah, that was it. He'd been drunk and lonely and hadn't even realized it was Dawn. Now if he could only convince himself of that, he could actually get out of bed and face her. He pulled the sheet over his head and groaned.

When he'd come back in the apartment, the door to Dawn's room was closed so he figured he'd leave it alone for the night. He'd gone to his own room, even though it wasn't time to sleep for him, and lay there listening for sounds from the next room.

He heard drawers opening and the closet several time. He finally heard the creak of the bed as she climbed into it, and that's as far as he let his mind wander. He grabbed his portable CD player and headphones and blared music into his skull to force out any unwanted images. That could have contributed to the headache he had now. He felt like complete shit.

He glanced at the glowing red numbers on the digital clock and saw that it was around 1:00 in the afternoon. He hadn't slept very long. He listened for any noise from outside his door but there was none. Finally realizing he couldn't put if off any longer, he got up and, after a shower, peeked his head out of the door.

Silence. He shuffled out into the hallway and stopped at the entrance to her room. The door was cracked so he pushed it open. The bed was unmade and there were a few clothes strewn over it. Her scent was everywhere. He shook his head briskly to clear it.

He walked slowly towards the den and then he saw her. She was sitting on the couch with her long legs curled under her, her chocolate hair pulled up in a scrunchy at the back of her head. She looked... completely innocent. The lump of guilt got bigger. Eventually there would be only that standing here and nothing of him.

"Spike, you're freaking me out. Stop it." Her voice made him jump. She looked up and laughed at the complete embarrassment on his face. She had been afraid of this. She hadn't slept all night wondering how he would react to her the morning after. Not good from the look of it. She had determined that is was a fluke. There was no way Spike was attracted to her and it had just been a surreal night.

He'd been drinking, and he'd just had a 'thing' with her sister at the mall. She refused to ruin what they had by making an issue out of one mind-numbing kiss. She would do what Buffy was so good at; she'd pretend it never happened.

"I'm waiting on pancakes, so get crackin'," she ordered sternly. Spike visibly relaxed and nodded. Okay, he could play the 'it never happened' game too. She was letting him off the hook. Somehow that made him mad. She was giving him an out and he was angry about it. God, he was off his bird.

She got her pancakes though. They spent the afternoon in comfortable silence, both reading on the couch. It was just another lazy Sunday. Buffy called around 3:00 to talk to Dawn and she could tell something was up. Dawn sounded different. She'd ask later when they were actually able to act like sisters again.

Around 6:00, Spike was bored. The sun was low enough so he pulled Dawn out of the house and onto the motorcycle. They raced up the coast and finally stopped at a secluded section of beach. Dawn turned into a fifteen-year-old again and ran squealing to the sand where she quickly divested herself of shoes and dug her toes into the warmth. Spike found a rock and sat down to watch. She raced to the surf and laughed aloud as the cool water rushed around her ankles.

Yeah, this had been a great idea. Bring her to a private beach at night. That won't give her any ideas. Oh, well. Maybe she'd think it was all in friendship. It was, right? Or maybe she wouldn't think about it at all. She'd acted normal around him all day. He was pulled out of his reverie when Dawn yelled at him to join her.

He pulled off his heavy Doc Martens and laid his leather coat over the rock. The last vestiges of heat from the sun-warmed sand seeped into his pale feet. He met her at the water's edge and cried out when she reached down and fanned a wave of water right into his unsuspecting face.

"You asked for it, bit. Just remember that." With two hands, larger than hers, he cupped water and launched it at her. She moved so fast it actually made him step back. The water sailed right past her. "How'd you do that?"

She looked confused. "Do what?"

"Move like that. Nobody moves that fast except vamps and your sister."

She shrugged casually. "I've just got quick reflexes, that's all."

He stood with hands on hips with his head cocked to the side. He wasn't buying it. "You've noticed it too, haven't you?" He knew the answer by her evasiveness. She turned and started walking down the beach and away from him. He was beside her in a second.

"Dawn..."

She turned on him suddenly. "Don't do this. Don't try to make me into her cause I'm not! I'm just me. Just plain, little unextraordinary me."

"What? Dawn, you couldn't be plain or unextraordinary if you tried."

She shook her head.  "I'm not her." Spike felt his chest constrict at her broken tone. He put a finger under her chin and lifted her face. Unshed tears shown brightly in the light thrown by the moon.

"I know that." He stated harshly, stepping closer.

"No, you don't. Every day I'm with you, you're wishing it was her. Every time we do something together, you want to be doing it with her. I'm just a stand in. And it was okay before 'cause I liked hanging out with you and I didn't mind being what you couldn't have with her. But after last night... I swore I was gonna let it go. I was just gonna forget it ever happened. But I can't stomach the fact that while you were kissing me you were wishing it was her." She sobbed softly.

"I can't be her stand in for that, Spike. It would break my heart." He felt like a complete wretch. He took a deep breath and pulled her into a tight hug. He rocked her gently back and forth, stroking her long, dark hair.

"If you never believe anything else I ever say, believe this. I knew who I was with last night, Dawn. I knew what I was doing and whom I was doing it with. My eyes were wide open on that one, luv. And I have never kissed her the way I kissed you. It was never that slow or that sweet." He could feel the heat in her face.

"When I'm with you, pet, it's the only time I can forget about her and what she did to me. I don't wish you were her, Dawn. When I'm with you, it's you I want to be with. Truth is, I wish Buffy were more like you." She lifted her tear-stained face and gave him a watery smile.

"Really?" She asked hopefully.

"Yeah, really. I wish she were as open and loving as you are. I wish she would make things simple like you do. Everything has to be so complicated with her. She can't just let it go and enjoy herself. She has to put everything in a box and heaven forbid one of the boxes turns over or gets mixed up with another box."

"You're losing me, Spike." He laughed and held her at arms length.

"If Buffy and I never work things out, and all I ever get out of knowing her is you, then I win," he said softly. She was beaming.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now for payback." And with that he picked her up, strode out into the surf, and dropped her in the water.

TBC