Ok, this is my first major fanfic, so here goes...
All New Mutants, X-Men, etc. characters belong to Marvel comics. Any
others are mine, ALL MINE!!!!!
Author - D. Cypher
Email - Darryll_Newvani@Hotmail.com
Title - Doug Ramsey - All is fair in war, love, and mutancy.
Summary - In an alternate universe where the Xavier mansion is a
gigantic school complex (and where certain characters are younger than
they should be - BLAME CONTINUITY!), a confused and bewildered Doug
Ramsey finds himself trying to prove himself worthy and manly enough
for new-student Rahne Cassidy. However, as always, school will get in
his way, and he has to find ways to get around it.
Genre - Humour, Real-life Issues
Notes - This was originally written as a Birthday gift for Luba, so
Happy (How-ever-old-you-are) Birthday Luba! This is probably gonna be
quite long, so we'll take this as part 1 (Out of about twenty!).

Doug Ramsey - All is fair in love, war, and mutancy
Part 1 - Mental Blocks
By D. Cypher

Friday, April 6th

The second hand on the clock appeared to slow down, as it always did at
Friday noon.

Friday noon meant Meta-Physics. Not a hard lesson, but a severely
confusing one. The sunlight reflected off the cover of Doug's textbook,
and shone directly into his eyes. Doug swivelled around as if to block
the light, but it didn't work; it just reflected off his tablemate's
skin, dazzling Ramsey so much that he dropped the pencil he had been
balancing on his nose with so much attention to his work. It rolled
across the floor and situated itself at the foot of Dr. Henry McCoy,
scientist and teacher at Xavier's High-School-for-those-whose-parents-
own-extremely-weighty-and-large-wallets.

Incidently, the foot was blue and furry. A similarly fuzzy hand bent
down and placed the pencil back onto the desk, as a toothy yet
intelligent grin set itself on the Doctor's face.

"Mental Block, Douglas?"

"Huh?" Doug's concentration broke, and he looked up at the fuzzy face
of logic. "Yeah, I guess."

"Stuck?"

"Nah." Doug's eyes reverted back to their original view.

"Concentration...elsewhere?" McCoy paused to swivel his head round in
the direction where Doug's eyes were. From Doug's position, there
was a perfect view of the John Proudstar playing fields below, and an
equally beautiful view of the cheer-leading team as well. The
instructor was one Patricia McCoy Tilby, and she was wearing quite a
nice little top, in the Professor's eyes. He blushed and smirked at the
same time.

"Um... well... I'll let you..." The professor wiped his brow, and
walked back to his seat. "...ohmystarsandgarters..."

Doug was staring at one of the group in particuarly, and was taking far
too much of an interest than was healthy for him. His closest friend,
Katherine 'Kitty' Pryde, was out there at the front of the small
group, bouncing and ducking and bobbing and...

A screwed-up text-book page smacked itself into Doug's cheek, and it
didn't take long to guess where it had come from. Before he looked up,
he checked to see if McCoy was still in the room. He wasn't. Not a good
sign.

Doug lifted his head, to have it greeted by the always spiteful and
smirk-like grin of Roberto DaCosta.

"What you lookin' at, language boy?"

"Nothing much, you sex-obsessed neurotic."

The grin looked as if it had died overnight. The basic sounds of a
class-room died down, and was replaced by attentive silence. Even
Jubilation stopped popping her bubble-gum.

"Where were you last week, Ramsey?" daCosta slurred between clenched
teeth.

Doug remained calm. "Last week, last week... Ah! You mean the time when
you were supposed to meet me at the gates and slap my face clean until
next Tuesday, right? Well, like I said, I had a clarinet lesson,
comprendre?"

A group of class-mates sniggered, and Doug could just make out the
sounds of British-boy Jones sitting behind him, shifting his pen's
chemistry into gold and back, and the distinctive pitch of Wagner's
trademark 'guffaw-and-thump-table-technique'.

daCosta raised himself from Doug's desk, and turned to retrieve the
attention of his lackies. Roberto gave a hollow laugh, as did his
followers. Suddenly, he sprung back round, activating his solar-powered
strength. Doug closed his eyes, terrified. 

Berto lunged at Doug, hoping to snap his throat, but his hand was 
grabbed by Doug's bench-mate. 

His eight-foot tall, metal skinned bench-mate.

Piotr tightened his grip on daCosta's hand, until tears forced
themselves out of Berto's unbelieving eyes.

"Remember reading 'Of Mice and Men' in English, daCosta?" the tall
Russian asked politely.

daCosta groaned under the pressure.

"Wanna see the fight from Curley's P.O.V?"

Berto closed his eyes.

Doug opened his.

And the bell sprang into life.

Piotr let go of Berto's hand, revealing that he had applied no pressure
at all. daCosta slumped back, glared at Doug, than stormed out of the
room, lackies in tow.

"You OK, tovarisch?"

"Yeah -- yeah, I'm fine, Petey, just a lil' startled."

There was a hand on Doug's shoulder. "Think lunch'll help?" came Tom
Jones' London tones.

"Yeah -- yeah, it will."

As the others moved towards the door, Doug shovelled his work into his
bag, and turned once more to the window.

No-one there.

He sighed once more, and made his way outside.

***********

Sam Guthrie sped as fast as he could, trying to keep up with the flying
basketball.

"Ah got it, Ah got it..."

Of course, not looking where he was going was always one of Sam's
strong points.

He collided with (or tripped over) the referee before he could get it,
and the ball bounced past the basket, out of the court, across some
grass, and found itself at Doug's feet. He reached down to pick it up,
and passed it to the diminutive Sports teacher, Mr. Judd, who had
pulled himself out of the tangle of Guthrie's lanky appendages.

"Thanks, Ramsey... Out of my way, clutter head!" Judd dusted himself
off, and turned to face Doug. "Hey, Ramsey?"

"Yeah?"

"Gonna be on the team on Saturday?"

"Team?"

Judd sighed. "We're playin' Bayville, and I figured we needed another
reserve, just to make two."

"Sure."

Judd beamed. "Great! Yer a good boy, Ramsey." He returned to the game.

Doug slumped back into the bench. "Yeah, whatever."

He looked at his friends beside him. Both Tom and Piotr were chomping
down on their sandwiches. Tom turned to Doug, and gulped down a
mouth-full of cheddar. "Looks like we're bench buddies."

"Guess you're the reserve?"

"Yeh."

"Like always." Doug smiled, and slid his fist out over Piotr's face. 
Tom rapped his knuckles across Doug's, and they both made a small,
delighted exclamation.

Piotr smiled. "Yum."

"What Sarnie's that, Petey?" chirped Tom.

"Smoked Ham, spread Cheese, lettuce and pineapple."

Doug leaned over. "Like he said, yum. You make it, Petey?"

"Nope. Kitty did."

Doug's eyes bulged, and he spat out his chunk of corned beef. He rocked
back and forth, silent in disbelief. He took a deep swallow, and Tom
leaned over to pat him on the back.

"K-K-Kitty made it? Kitty is so independent, she wouldn't even let me
boot her laptop," Tom gave an immature snigger while Doug blurted, 
"and now she's makin' you LUNCH?"

"Yeh? Your point, tovarisch?"

"Wow. She definetly likes you, Petey."

"Thanks." With that, Piotr took another bite out of his sandwich.

"Hey, hero!" came a fourth, distinctly German voice.

Doug looked up calmly. He was used to seeing the upside-down view of
Kurt Wagner, mechanic extrordinaire, and Satan-look-a-like. "Hey, Kurt.
Get down here."

Kurt backflipped down from the tree, and landed on the end of Doug's
bench. He held out his blue, three-fingered hand. "Let me congratulate
you on a bully well sorted."

Doug lowered Kurt's hand. "Firstly, he'll be back, and secondly Petey
did it. Congratulate him, not me."

Kurt leaned back, hand out towards Piotr. "Nice one Petey."

"Thanks Comrade."

Kurt slid back again. "You hear about that new load of students that
turned up here today, Doug?"

"Yeah, I should be there to greet them. Two o'clock right?"

Kurt's usually joyful face fell. "One o'clock, Doug."

"One?"

"Yeah."

"you mean one as in 4 minutes time away?"

"Yep."

Doug rose to his feet and swung his satchell onto his shoulder.
"They're at Harry's, right?"

Kurt leaped to his feet. "Yep."

"Well in that case..." Doug spun round and threw himself onto Kurt's
back. "FORWARD, MY STEED!"

"Neigh, neigh."

"See ya later, guys!" came Tom but, by that time, they had both
disappeared in a stink of brimstone.

***********

Harry's hideaway had once been an off campus, small time restaurant and
bar, popular with Xavier's students. That was 10 years ago. Now, due
to the marvels of teleportation, it was on campus, next to the drama
department.

On the staff-side of the bar, Danielle Moonstar looked at the crowd of
new students mingling in the corner. She stared at her watch and
groaned. "Where the *&%@ is he? He should ")*&^@? be here by now."

As if on cue, a burst of sulphur and brimstone exploded on the bar,
materialising inside it the recognisable features of Doug and Kurt.

"Took yer $&^)*!@# time champ."

"Sorry I'm late, Dani." Doug appoligised sheepishly to the girl who
famously could out-drink Logan, out-swear Remy, and out-retort Bobby
Drake. "Dismount, my steed!"

"Neigh, whinny."

Doug threw himself off Kurt's back, but, for some reason, he missed the
ground. 

Dani lowered Doug with her single finger in his collar, and passed him
a clipboard. "You know the routine, champ."

"Thanks, Chief."

Doug reajusted his fleeceneck as he walked towards the group of
students, new and old, pulling up a stool with him. The group was in
the midst of quite a discussion so, when he reached the table, he
purposely thumped down his stool, and the crowd turned.

"Um hi, I'm Doug, and, well, welcome to Xavier's Academy for Gifted
Youngsters!" he addressed them cheerily. "And this is the..." he checked
the name of the group, "the MacTaggert-Cassidy Group? As in 'Moira' and
'Sean'?"

"Here, Doug," came the instantly recognisable accent of Dr. Moira
MacTaggert, scientist and part-time lecturer.

"Hi, Ms. MacTaggert! Haven't seen you since you got married! Nice
crew-cut, Sean."

"We're doing fine, thank you, Douglas." Sean Cassidy wrapped his arm
around his wife's shoulders.

Doug smiled, and detached a small envelope. "Well, normal procedures
must apply, so before I let Moira take you round the school, I've got
to give you these passes, valid from Saturday onwards. Ok, firstly, Dr.
Moira Cassidy, human, and Mr. Sean Cassidy, beta class mutant..."

He passed the two their cards, and carried on through the bundle.
"Theresa Cassidy, beta class mutant?"

"Here!" A leggy redhead accepted her card from Doug.

"Ok, two Jamies - Madrox, beta class, and MacTaggert, alpha class?"

"Us two!" A tall brown haired, kind-eyed kid took his card and passed
Jamie MacTaggert's on to a well built late-teen who seemed to be
completely created of green energy.

Of course, when one of your best friends is a steel-skinned colossus,
it no longer seemed unusual to see any 'Jamie MacTaggerts'.

"Rahne Cassidy, gamma class?"

"Um...me?" Doug looked up to see a small redheaded girl, smiling cutely
at him while sweetly blushing at the same time. He smiled back when he
handed her the card, and he found himself blushing as well.

"Hey, Romeo?"

"Huh?" Doug looked up at another late teen. His accent was decidedly
English, and he lit a cigarette with a finger of solid heat he created
from his hand.

"Pete Wisdom? Beta class?" The youth said, blowing out the vile smoke
in the direction of the Doctor, who coolly flapped it back.

"Wisdom, you dirty sod! How many times have I told you not to smoke in
my..."

"Ah, go lay an egg."

Rahne glared at him. "Don't you dare speak to my mummy like that,
Peter!"

"Whatcha gonna do, pee on me?"

The girl recoiled in disbelief, and Doug stared dumbfounded at the
squabble.

"Uh...right, here!" He threw the vile Pommy his card."There's only one
more - Jonothon Starsmore, Alpha class?"

**Here** 

Doug spun round, trying to pin-point the source of the voice, but he
couldn't quite trace it.

**Left a bit...left...left** The voice guided him. **Can't miss the
bandages**

An extremely tall, pretty well built youth sat slouched in the corner,
his face incased in bandages. Doug decided not to ask why. "Here ya go."

**Ta, mate**

Doug decided to relax.

"Well, now you can all go off around the complex if you want to. Your
rooms and timetables are in dorms..." He checked the clip-board. "136 -
140. You can split yerselves however you want!"

"Great!" exclaimed Moira. "Possibly see ya tommorra, Dougie?"

"Sure," Doug paused and remembered, "Oh, one more thing! Xavier's is
playing Bayville High tommorrow, around ten. Tickets are free to us,
'cause we're playing at home!"

Madrox made an imitation punch into the air, and slapped an equally
pleased Jamie MacTaggert  on the back,"Brilliant! We'll be there!"

"Ok, see ya!"

As the group moved towards the door, Doug couldn't help notice that
Rahne had stopped to talk to Moira, and they both turned to face him.
He smiled back, and the two finished their conversation. Moira kissed
her on the cheek, left, and Rahne walked over to Doug. "Um... Ok if I
stay a bit?"

Doug smiled and kicked back a chair.

Back at the bar, Kurt and Dani observed Doug's work.

"How long you give 'em, Chief?"

"A *%^@#!$& week."

***********

Rahne banged her glass down on the table, her eyes crying hysterical
tears. Doug still smiled at her from the opposite side of the table,
gently sipping his Bitter Lemon.

Rahne looked up, her face red from the pain of laughing. "Winifred?"
she tried to say as seriously as possible.

"Yep." Doug replied, equally seriously.

There was a pause.

"Winifred?"

"Yep."

Another, longer pause.

"Ok, ok," Rahne calmed herself down. "let me get this straight - Yur
middle name's Winifred?"

Doug leaned back, his grin larger. "Yes."

The hysterics began again, and Rahne's coke splashed over the table.
"Oh my..." She looked shocked. "I'm sorry, Dougie, I, I..."

"It's ok," he replied calmly, a smile still in his face. "I'll buy a
new one for you..." He couldn't help himself, "...Alestra!" He burst
into hysterics himself, and Rahne abrubtly put an evil eye on Doug.

"And what is wrong with Alestra as a middle name?"

Doug stopped laughing. "I dunno. I just figured it would be funny to
poke fun at someone else's name for a change." He poked his tongue out
at her, and she responded in the same way.

Doug picked up the glass, and brought it to the bar, where Dani had
been observing them. "Hey, where's Kurt gone, Chief?" he asked
inquisitively, refilling the glass.

"He had to go fix some %$£*&@# bike or sumfin'," she replied slyly,
reaching down for her coat. "Anyway, I gotta go soon."

"Why?"

"Whatya think? - Drama. Kitty'll be here any sec now to meet us, and
'Yana will be taking over at that point. Yur in that scene, aren't you?"

Doug smacked his fore-head. "Yeh." He grumbled to himself, "Why do I
always forget stuff on Fridays?"

"Dunno." Dani turned towards the door. "Here are the two lil' miss
cheerleaders now."

Still in their outfits, Kitty Pryde and Illyana Rasputin came
mock-skipping into the bar. Kitty threw herself into Doug's arms, and
started to mess up his hair. Illyana moved behind the bar.

"Hi, handsome," Kitty purred provocatively.

"Um, er, hi, Kitty...er..." Doug's face melted into worry. He turned to
face Rahne and waved back to her.

Kitty turned around and back. "Who's that? One of the new kids?"

"Yeh. Name's Rahne. MacTaggert's daughter."

"Never?" said Kitty, bemused. "Ok if I say Hi?"

"Sure, I guess."

Kitty phased out of Doug's arms and walked towards Rahne. Doug turned
to 'Yana.

"Hey, Frost Princess?"

"Yes?" 'Yana replied coldly, perfectly stereotypically.

"How many fresh, virgin male children have you sacrificed today?"

She thought a second. "Twelve - including you."

"Ouch!"

Rahne looked up to see the curled, soft brown hair of Kitty Pryde
towering above her. "Hi, I'm Kitty. Rahne, right?"

"Uh..." Rahne hesitated, and slowly pushed forward her hand, "...yeah.
Hi! You're Doug's friend, right?"

"Wow! Doug's been talking about ME?"

"Yes, and our upbringings, passions, hobbies and...middle names," broke
in Doug, handing Rahne her coke gently.

"Cool!" Kitty leaned back on the seat.

Rahne hesitated to ask, but was able to speak on the third occasion.
"Um, Doug, Kitty?" she asked, her eyes moving all around the room.

"Yeh?" They both answered in unison.

"Um, Do you two, er, go-out together...?"

The two stared at Rahne for a second, looked at each other, then
giggled uncontollably.

"No!" Doug said, shaking his head violently up and down, while Kitty
held her face in her hands. "What gave you that idea?"

"I... er... don't know." Inside her mind, Rahne gave a sigh of relief.

Kitty looked at her watch. "Doug, Chief - time to go."

"Great!" came Dani. She turned her attention to Illyana. "If there's a
single Pentagon here when I get back - you get no pay!"

Illyana faced the floor in rage. "Rasshum, frasshum..."

Doug got out of his seat, and covered his Black Sabbath (TM) t-Shirt
with his Black Fleece (Not a TM).

"Rahne - We've got to go to Drama, " he explained, "--grease and stuff.
I'm gonna be there a good three hours, but I'll see you tonight,
probably?"

"Tonight?" Kitty butted in.

"Party - down at the Boat House. 8 till 2. Rictor's party. You gonna be
there?"

"Probably. I'll ask me mam."

"Ok, might see you there then!" Doug leaned over and kissed her cheek
while Rahne sat bewildered.

"See you later!" The three made their way out the door, and the room
silenced.

"Yeah...see you..." Rahne looked at her hand, which she had used to
wipe her cheek. She smiled to herself and whispered, "Might...see you."

The bar stayed silent, until --

"Uh, Rahne isn't it?" asked 'Yana.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna sacrifice your life to the greater of the Daemons of Limbo?"

Rahne frowned and stormed out. "HERETIC!" she screamed and slammed the
door.

'Yana stared at the floor for a second, but then began sweeping it
again.

"Well, it was worth a try..."

END OF PART 1

Next - Drama, Mutant style!