Well, seeing as I'm actually partaking in my GCSEs at the moment, I wasn't planning on carrying on for a while, but the voices of reason (Luba and my newly acquired fanclub, i.e, Brian Bunuan -- Thanx mates!) were able to 'lure' me into doing part three early (when I say 'lure,' I mean 'force'). I've also decided to break my original plans for part three into two -- possibly three. I should be able to finish "All is fair" in around ten parts, but I've also got a couple of ideas for smaller, 'part-size' mini-stories based in Xavier high. Let's just hope I get this one finished first! All New Mutants, X-Men, etc. characters belong to Marvel comics. Any others are mine, ALL MINE!!!!! Author -- D. Cypher Email -- Darryll_Newvani@Hotmail.com Title -- Doug Ramsey -- All is fair in war, love, and mutancy. Summary -- In an alternate universe where the Xavier mansion is a gigantic school complex (And where certain characters are younger than they should be -- BLAME CONTINUITY!), a confused and bewildered Doug Ramsey finds himself trying to prove himself worthy and manly enough for new-student Rahne Cassidy. However, as always, school will get in his way, and he has to find ways to get around it. References to (I guess I have to list these so that the authors know I'm not ripping them off): Jaque Koh's "Gambit's Cat-astrophe", several Lee Tybird stories, a lot of 60's/70's/80's/British music/films. Genre -- Humour, Real-life Issues Notes -- This was originally written as a Birthday gift for Luba Kmetyk. This is probably gonna be quite long, so we'll take this as part 3 (out of about ten!). Doug Ramsey -- All is fair in love, war, and mutancy Part 3 -- Alex, Adam Ant, and a Private School Girl. By D. Cypher Friday, April 6th, 6pm The Boathouse on the outskirts of the Xavier Complex had once been just that -- a small, private house on the banks of Xavier's small lake, enjoyed by him in bygone years. Nowadays, Xavier let his students "borrow" the house for their parties -- it was just big enough for about thirty, possibly forty students hell-bent on either a) getting drunk, or b) getting laid. If anyone had a latent power for hosting this sort of party, it was Rictor. On the rare occasions that he did have one (the dates were usually highly irregular -- he only threw one when he felt like it), they did, in simple words, 'rock the house down.' But, of course, that was also Julio's mutant ability, so maybe they were linked somehow. As Doug and Kurt made their way down the gravel path towards the glowing, water mounted bungalo, Ramsey groaned when he noticed a very light red patch appear on his white shirt. "Shit -- my shoulder's starting up again..." He tilted his bowler hat over his eyes. "Maybe I should have stayed home..." Kurt laughed and put his arm around Doug's non-severely damaged shoulder. "Look." He pulled a friendly grin. "If you think this Rahne girl is gonna get turned off by the fact that someone bust you up, you got another thing comin'! If anything, she's gonna be sympathetic - besides, you've been looking forward to this for weeks!" Doug glanced up from below the bowler, and looked Kurt's costume up and down -- he was dressed as a pirate, complete with eye patch, bandana, silly trousers, and fencing blade. It looked good -- he must have had it ready for just such an occasion. "Did I say I liked the costume?" he said weakly. "Twice, Doug. And each time I pointed out that yours was especially good, considering that you only had an hour to sort it out." Doug was dressed as Alex (Malcolm MacDowell's character from Kubrick's Clockwork Orange): white trousers, white shirt, hobnail boots, bowler hat, and cane. He had even put the eye-tattoo on in marker pen. "Yeah -- I like it too," smugly smiling. As they passed through the entrance, Kurt and Doug were delighted to see crowds of friends that they recognized -- Dani, Illyana and Kitty were sitting by the stairs; Tom, Piotr and Pete Wisdom were by the second exit (towards the lake), while larger groups of Jocks, 'Whores' and even the 'Hellions' (Doug's nickname for a group of Vice-Headmistress Frost's 'Special Privileges Students') were scattered amongst the walls, dance floor and even (judging by the sounds emanating from the ceiling) upstairs. The dancers were positioned around the centre of the room, and the music in question came from a quartet of musicians towards the back of the room. While Rogue always sang and Remy always played lead guitar at these parties, the drummer and bass always changed -- this time it was (quite surprisingly) Starsmore and Madrox. Doug figured that Ric' must've asked them to play when he had gone to meet Rahne. Remy wore his usual fancy dress attire -- a skintight female cat-suit -- a joke that Doug had long forgotten. At this moment in time, they were playing Sweet's Ballroom Blitz. As Doug made his way towards Kitty and Kurt searched for the Drink stand, Ric' intersepted them both. He was dressed like the Lead singer of Adam and the Ants -- an old British 80's New Romantics band. He looked a bit like an 18th century pirate with an American Indian head-dress. Nethertheless, it was an original and inventive costume. "Glad you made it, boys!" Rictor beamed as he snatched Doug's hand into a tight handshake. "Great to be here, Ric'! I almost missed it completely!" Doug chirped back. He wasn't paying too much attention; he was more obsessed with trying to find Rahne. He couldn't see her anywhere. "Yeah, groovy, whatever," came Kurt, his eyes quickly sprinting over the room. "Right... Julio, where's the booze?" "Upstairs, in the bedroom." "Brilliant. See you guys later!" With that, he disappeared amongst his usual stench cloud. "Koff -- Koff -- Bleurgh!" Doug batted away the sulphur with his bowler. "Where's Rahne, Ric' -- couldn't she make it?" Rictor gave a snide smile and small laugh. In the background, Remy pulled down hard on the guitar as they ended 'Sweet', and begun playing Queen's 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love.' "'Course she could make it! She's talking to some of the other girls over there--" He spun around and pointed toward a group of females caught in conversation. "Hey Rahne, come over here! Someone to see you!" Doug watched as the small group turned around to acknowledge his address, then huddled back together. Seconds later, Rahne's head popped out of the gaggle. She spent milliseconds searching, before her giant smile proved her acknowledgement of Doug's presence. The head retracted, and then Rahne broke forth out of the group, moving in a fast skip towards Rictor and Doug, revealing her costume. Doug gulped as for the first time he took in the full meaning of the 'Catholic School Girl' costume -- he couldn't help but feel that he had wasted his life without plaid skirts. "Doug -- you came!" she beamed, coming to a gentle stop inches in front of him, her eyes looking directly up at his face. "Ric' told me what happened to yer arm -- Is it better now? Does it hurt?" Doug sensed that she was being inquisitive yet sensitive at the same time. "Y-y-yea-" Doug shook himself free from that weird sensual land we-all-go-to-from-time-to-time, and back into reality, "Yes -- I'm all better now, just a little shaken,,, By the way, I love your costume." He raised a single eyebrow, Roger Moore-style. Rahne stared back at the lone eyebrow, slightly worried. "You great silly! What did ye do -- bust up yer head also?!" She gave him a joking punch to the *other* shoulder. "What -- ye like this silly thing?" She pointed at herself. "Oh, it's just Theresa'a old hand-me-downs from when she was at private school... I like yer costume though, very nice!" "Yeah -- it's good considering I only had an hour and a bust-up arm!" He wasn't paying much attention as he was trying to contemplate Rahne's 'punch' -- why was it when women punched men on the shoulder, it was considered charmful and witty, while if a man did it to you you'd immediately assume he was drunk and knee him in the balls? Doug looked up from the shoulder, and found himself staring directly into Rahne's eyes, she had moved closer towards him, and was now in the middle of sliding her arm between his. he gulped in reaction. "C'mon," she smiled. "Let's go get somethin' to eat?" "Of course, your Majesty." He performed a mock curtsy, slightly limited and restricted due to his bust up arm and arm-wannabe- girlfriend combo. She slowly escorted him away from the doorway and Rictor towards the stairs, where presumably the food lay. She constantly kept turning around and smiling at his face -- Doug guessed that she must've been ecstactic. From what she'd told him, she never had many friends as a kid -- this must've been the jackpot in her eyes. He swung his arms in Ric's direction, his face one of mock-sorrow. "Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeee!" Doug yelped, prompting a snigger from Ric' and a playful snort from Rahne. They crossed the room towards the stairs where Kitty and the others sat. "Oh, champ -- I feel such sorrow for you," came from Dani, her long hair worn inexplicably straight yet in two extremely large pony-tails at the same time, fitting in with her Native American dress. Kitty was busy whispering something in Illyana's ear. "See you later, kids! I've hopefully got some chicken legs or spare ribs to bless with my stoumach acids!" Rahne giggled at Doug's lighthearted attitude, and they both hit the steps. INTERLUDE 1 -- Dani "God, this is %$£*&in' boring," murmured Dani, half to herself and half to her two closest friends. She held her head in her hands, her elbows on her knees. "Weeeeeell," began Kitty, straightening the shoulder-area on her pink eighties-throwback number, "you could go get some food from-" "Not hungry." "You could go talk to the bo-" "Nothing to talk about." "Talk to y-" "Nah -- yer busy eyeing Wisdom." "Well, you could go dance?" Dani sat in award-winning silence for roughly 5 seconds while Rogue screamed out the chorus lines '--And the man in the back gave the order to attack and it turned into a ballroom blitz--' "Naahhhhh. No one to dance with. Anyway I doubt he would even tu-" "Who? Who wouldn't even turn up?" It was Kitty's turn to interrupt. "Yeah!" Illyana's head popped over Kitty's shoulder, revealing the tiger-skin body suit she wore, "who, Who, WHO?????" For a second, Dani's face softened. "Jim-- Wait a sec, WHY AM I $%£&***%$£in' CONTEMPLATING TELLING **%$£$%**&%in' YOU???????" "Aaahhhhhhhhhh!" shrieked Illyana, her arms waving uncontrollably, "I KNOW WHO DANI FANCIES!" "Who, who?" chirped Kitty, like a small child. "I know who he is, AND He's here!" 'Yana pointed towards the centre of the dancing crowd, where a tall dark-skinned man stood in line with Illyana's finger. "Ohmy&%@£in'god, she's right, it is him," she said in dull amazement, hiding her face in her hands. "If he asks why I died, tell him about the petrified forests of Nebraska." Illyana slyly rubbed her hands together. "I'm gonna call him over." Dani leaped to life. "No yer bloody not." "Try and stop me, little brave!" "Do so an' I'll f8$%in' dream-spear yer scaly-twirly-tailed-behind!" 'Yana just giggled, and raised her whistling fingers to her mouth. Kitty hid her face in embarrasment, and pulled her skirt and knees almost over her face. "Oh God -- this is gonna end in tears, I know it." *********** "Wow! Sharon, I never knew how good a dancer you are!" James "Jimmy" Proudstar congratulated his dance partner with a large, pleased smile on his face. Sharon, 'Catseye' (or even simply 'Cats' to her friends) Smith grinned back, her body in full, fluidic motion as the dance took over. "You good yerself Big-friend-Jimmy," her language charming, yet broken into simple text, "but why, pray-ask..." Her attention was diverted as she moved closer towards him, her green eyes piercing his 'simple' Indian boy's mind. "Yes???" "...is evil-child-'Yana waving to you?" "Huh?!?!?" Jimmy swivveled his vision towards a spectacle that might have scarred his mind for life. Above the heads of the jostling, hip-thrusting crowd, Jimmy could make out Illyana, an evil grin across her face, her arms waving in frantic motion, occasionally lashing out at two pairs of hands that regularly reached for her. "Cooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeee, cooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Jiiiiiiiiiiimmmmyyyyyyyy! Jiiiiiiiiiiii---" The calls suddenly stopped as her face suddenly filled with shock, and a pair of dark-skinned hands swept around her face/mouth, pulling her down. Seconds later, Danielle's head popped up facing Jimmy, smiled, then disappeared back into the crowd. Nothing but absolute silence poured over his mind for a good minute or two, while Cats tried to lure him back into the realm of consciousness, through talking, shaking, and even licking his face. "Hoo-hah-huh-who-what-where????" Jimmy almost lost his balance in panic as he felt a tongue on his eyebrow. Sharon smiled back -- "You go bye-bye for second -- you back now?" "Err, yeah -- Um, gee Cats..." He rubbed his large chin with absurdly manly hands as he pondered a train of thought, "...is it OK if I go see what all that commotion was about?" "Sure -- but what Catseye do in meantime?" "Well, I guess you could try to find that new shapeshifter-wolfgirl Frost wanted you to meet -- I think I saw her go upstairs with Ramsey." "Oh-Ok! See you soon!" She reached over to kiss Jimmy on the cheek as was her way, then pulled up her skirt over her knees before turning and running to the steps. Jimmy moved through the crowd, which naturally moved around his muscular body, instead of just getting in the way. When he reached 'Yana, he saw that Kitty was keeping her hands phased in the ground, while Dani stood over her, a large spear positioned above her neck. "Keep her still, Pryde -- If I slip I might NOT KILL HER!!!!!" Jimmy saw his moment to strike. "Umm... Danielle? ...What are you doing to that poor neglected child of darkness?" "Ohhhhhh?!?!?" Danielle span round on her heels startled. "Jimmy -- fancy seeing you here!" She tried her best to hide the four-foot spear. "Um... Why did 'Yana want to, err... see me?" "Oh! No reason! No reason at all! Nothing! Nothing she wants to tell you! Hey, isn't that Xavier there in the crowd -- didn't think he could dance like that! Cameo, eat your heart out!" The distraction didn't work. "ohforthesakeofmephistophelesandallhispointylittlewizards -- SHE FANCIES YOU GERONIMO-BOY!" Illyana screamed as best she could half phased into the ground. "........" said Jimmy. "Pain, painisgood," Dani muttered to herself under her breath, lowering her face into her hands. Painful silence followed. Jimmy's eyes spun around the small area, unsure of what to do next. "Ask her," mouthed Kitty. "Um...really?" he followed the advice. "Uhh?" Dani looked up. "Do you really fancy me?" "No, No! Not at all! Not one f$£*in' bit, nosireejimmybobboyjunior... ...who am I kiddin'?" She raised her head to look at his face. "Yes -- but only a little... actually more than that... quite a bit, maybe... yes -- I fancy you a goddamnlot." Jimmy giggled to himself. "Why'd you never tell me?" "'Cause you're always with Catseye -- kissin' and that sort of stuff!" Another manly giggle. "I think we're makin' progress!" 'Yana smiled, pulling herself out of the floor. " It's so romantic," sighed Kitty, watery-eyed. "She always kisses people -- she thinks she's a cat, for Pete's sake! She kisses everyone! Does that mean she's going out with Xavier if she kisses him?" " No, I guess not." Dani's 'recovering-upset-frail' immpression was very lifelike. "Well, seeing as all that is cleared up... you wanna dance? I think the band is now playing that Santana number -- 'Smooth', or whatever it's called." "Really -- you'd dance with me?" "Sure -- Hey! Aren't I allowed to fancy you too?!" "'He moved his huge arm over her shoulders and swept her into the bustling crowd.'" Kitty commented. "Yer such a sucker for romance, Pryde." "Yeah, 'Yana, I guess I am. I just wish someone would sweep me off my feet like that." "Excuse me -- Mizz Pryde?" Kitty looked up. Pete Wisdom took a final tug on his ciggarette, and ground it into the floor. "Wanna dance?" "Sure!" 'Yana watched the pair, hand in hand, move into the myriad of dancers. She raised a hand and played with her hair. "Ha! Only me left! But that's good... What kind of weirdo would like to go out with me?!? I'm the Daemon Queen of Limbo! I command an army of pointy-headed gnomes of Doom!" She raised her hands into the air -- "DOOOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" She stopped when she noticed how close her arms were to the face of a white-tuxedoed man. "Pardon me, little lady." The man's voice was a cross between Barry White's and Elvis Presley's. "But could I pleeeeeeeeeaze take part in this Waltz with you?" Illyana tilted her head to acknowledge the man's face, and her own became one of utter disgust. "Oh, piss off, Drake!" "Aww, c'mon -- You can't swear at your superiors! Or deny them a dance with a girl as delectable as you." Bobby was at his flattering best. "I am not inferior to Mr.Frosty wannabes!" "One teensyweensy dance?" "NO!" She frumped her face into her knees. "Like I said, what kind of sick, twisted equivalent of fate would make me and him a couple?!?" "Hey -- you could at least like my tuxedo -- it's Boggartariffic!" End of Part three Next -- Cannonball, Sunspot, Rictor Catseye... And anyone remember poor Larry Bodine?