Date: Mon, 16 Feb 1998 19:08:16 -0800 To: untold-l@userhome.com From: Dex Subject: UNTOLD-L: X-Men: Home Sweet Home DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Marvel and are used without permission. Stan Lee is also impersonated without permission. We are making no money off of this, so please don't sue. This story is a collaborative effort between Dex and myself, so please send feedback to both dex@globalserve.net and swennes@erols.com. Inspiration (or blame) is accredited to Maddie's bizzare behavior in the beginning of X-Factor #1. This is just a logical extrapolation :) ******************************* Howdy, True Believers! Stan "The Man" Lee here; but then you already knew that, didn't you? I wouldn't expect anything less from our fabulous fans! And we have quite a tremendous treat for you today! Yessir! As most of you righteous readers know, Marvel is the House of Ideas! What a couple of clandestine comrades also know is that Marvel has so many insanely ingenious ideas that we just can't use them all! Nossir! So we leave it up to our egregious editors to choose the best course of events! The most brain-blasting action! The most mind-numbing plot twist! And, boy, do they do a sensationally standout job! All of the ideas that didn't quite make the cut for Marvel magnificence are locked safely away, never to see the light of day! But I've managed to get my greedy little fingers on the key! Shush! I won't tell if you won't! One of the most daring decisions declared by Marvel was that Jean Grey was not Phoenix! Yessir! Marvellous Marvel Girl was tucked into a cozy cocoon by a cosmic doppleganger! You never saw that one coming! This brilliant brainstorm allowed us to bring the gregarious Ms. Grey back to life; and led to the formation of X-Factor, the happy hunters of mutants, from which came Cable! Apocalypse! The Nasty Boys! A new level of angst never before seen! Of course, once we had thought of the X-Citing X-Factor, we had to take all our old, outdated ideas about the future of these crazy characters and dump them into storage! Our own little museum of what might have been! And today, I'm going to give you faithful fans a sneak peek at one of them! Let's see, what do we have here? Phoenix resting peacefully on the moon? Boring! Angel, Iceman, and The Beast as Defenders? Boring! What we need here is a story with humanity! A story about love! A story guaranteed to tug on the heartstrings of our most stoic supporter! Aha! Found one! Trapped here in the Marvel vaults are the tender scenes of domestic bliss between stalwart Scott Summers and his blushing bride, the melodious Madelyne! Private, picture perfect moments, meant to inspire the rampaging romantic in us all! Step closer, if you will, and observe........ HOME SWEET HOME A glimpse into the family life of Scott and Maddie Summers Ah, as an ex-affiliate of an X-affiliation, the circumspect Cyclops has more mail than even yours truly. And his isn't even full of hair loss ads and no-prize needing Marvelites. How does he answer it all? "Maddie, I'm sorry I took so long, I --" "SCOTT! HOW DARE YOU!?! HOW COULD YOU SPEAK TO ANOTHER PERSON?!? I NEEEEEED YOU!!! THE BABY NEEEEEEDS YOU!!!!! YOU CAN'T HAVE FRIENDS!!!" "But, Maddie, I was just buying stamps at the post office, I -- " "YOU INSENSITIVE JERK!!! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!!" A marauding Madelyne might make her mate a mite muddled with her murderous moods; but she won't ever let him starve! "Maddie, this roast is a little overdone." "SCOTT! YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT JEAN AGAIN, AREN'T YOU!!!" "I just said that the roast was a little overdone..." "YOU SEE! YOU NEVER CARED FOR ME!!! IT'S ALWAYS JEAN, JEAN, JEAN!" "Well, at least she could cook." I can almost taste it now. Still, the capricious continence of Scott's blushing bride has no hope of dampening the passionate affection which they share for each other and their bouncing baby boy. A fantastic family outing in the wilds of Alaska is always the thing... "Maddie, it's a beautiful day. Would you like to go on a picnic, just the three of us?" "THREE OF US?!? YOU WANT ME TO GO ON A PICNIC WITH YOU AND JEAN!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOVE YOUR SORDID AFFAIR IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME?!?!" "I was talking about our baby." "OH, OF COURSE!! YOU SAY THAT NOW, WHEN YOU'RE TRAPPED IN YOUR LIES!!! GO AHEAD, ABANDON YOUR WIFE AND CHILD TO BE WITH YOUR MISTRESS!!!" "Umm....Maddie, Jean's not my mistress, she's dead." "HOW CONVENIENT! YOU'LL USE ANY EXCUSE, YOU MISERABLE WORM!!!" Even the mental fortitude of the stalwart Scott can be strained by the rapturous ravings of a misguided Maddie. Nossir! Florence Nightingale, she's not! "Maddie, do we have any aspirin? I've got a terrible headache." "HEADACHE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU HAVE A HEADACHE? HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL!!" "What are you --" "I KNEW IT! YOU'RE DEFENSIVE!! YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT JEAN TOO MUCH, THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A HEADACHE, ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?!?!" "Maddie --" "OH MY GOD, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT JEAN?!?!" And how do the captivating couple choose the magnificent menu which they treat each guest to in their cosy, Alaskan abode? "Maddie, can we have pork chops this week?" "WHY?! BECAUSE THEY REMIND YOU OF JEAN?!!" "Uh, no. I just like them." "I CAN'T WATCH YOU DESTROY OUR MARRIAGE ANY MORE!!!" "Okay....chicken then? "DO YOU GET SOME SORT OF SADISTIC PLEASURE OUT OF TORMENTING ME?!" "I was about to ask you the same question...." Reminds me of the last time I dropped by. Still, when I consulted the completely confused Cyclops, he advised me against calling first. *ring* "I've got it, Maddie." "IF YOU ANSWER THAT PHONE, THAT'S IT MISTER SUMMERS! OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER!" "But I..." "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? ALWAYS YOUR FELLOW MUTANTS! ALWAYS THE X-MEN! NEVER YOUR WIFE AND CHILD!" "Maddie, it's..." "TOO LATE FOR EXCUSES, MISTER! DAMN YOU, SCOTT SUMMERS AND YOUR OBSESSION WITH THE X-MEN!!" "Maddie! It's a wrong number!" Bell versus our mighty Maddie in a bill to the death! The passion and pain... Still, even the preferences of the precocious Pryde possess the power to cause our hero panic! "Maddie, X-Files is on, want to watch?" "X-FILES?!? X?!? I TOLD YOU, SCOTT, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR X FIXATION! YOU CAN DESTROY YOURSELF, BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" "But the X-Files don't have anything to do with the X-Men, except Kitty likes it...." "SEE!!! THEY'RE THE SAME THING TO YOU!!! EVERYTHING'S X THIS AND X THAT, WHY DON'T YOU EVER HAVE TIME FOR ME AND THE BABY?!?" "You know, sometimes I wish aliens would abduct you...." Perhaps one day we can have the virtuous Vision explain the dangers of red-headed romance to the stunned Scott. Or the plucky Pryde can prevent a problem in the world of fashion and fittings in the local mall with a few wary words! "Maddie, what do you think of these jeans?" "JEAN! JEAN! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN EVER THINK ABOUT? CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME AND THE BABY ONE LOUSY DAY AT THE MALL WITHOUT THINKING OF THAT RED HEADED HARLOT!" "Um, I was asking about the fit of the pants." "OH, SURE, I'VE CAUGHT YOU AND NOW YOU TRY AND WEASEL OUT OF IT! WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE THAT EASY, MR. SUMMERS!" "Maddie, have you thought about seeing a doctor?" "LIKE YOUR PROFESSOR X, I SUPPOSE! YOU'RE SICK, SCOTT, AND I REFUSE TO BE BROUGHT DOWN WITH YOU!" *sigh* Even in these days of upheaval and unknowns, it's nice to know that the spiritual spark still guides the child's chosen path through the rocky road of life. Look on as the faithful father instills the rote of religion in his special son... "Maddie, I was just explaining to the baby about how we believe Jesus rose from the dead." "HOW COULD YOU SINK SO LOW?! HOW COULD YOU TELL YOUR INNOCENT SON ABOUT YOUR HUSSY?!" "You're going to have to help me out with this one..." "JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD! YOUR PRECIOUS JEAN ROSE FROM THE DEAD! DON'T THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU GO TO CHURCH!!" "Well, unfortunately, Jean never promised to return again..." Well, I think that's enough of THAT! Back into the vaunted vault they go! My, that Maddie does have a dizzying demeanor! Scott's a stronger man than most! Until next time, my magnanimous Marvelites, EXCELSIOR!