Subject: [dexf] [filk] "Moulin Rogue" Part One Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 20:32:30 -0400 From: Dex Just a bit of something to let everyone know that I'm not dead yet. I started this parody a couple of months ago, and have realised that I'm likely never going to finish it in time to make it at all relevent, so I'm going to toss what I have up here. The rest of the song filks will be coming out when I release my songbook in a couple of months, so you can see the complete score. However, what I've got I think is kinda fun. Let me know... --Dex MOULIN ROGUE Open on a grimy room, filled with empty beer and liquor bottles. The camera pans over a cobwebbed laptop and a desk of empty plates and crumpled paper. The camera finally stops on a man lying face down in a bed, dressed in a wrinkled white shirt and black pants. His tie hangs over the end board. After a long moment, his head comes up, and he walks to the window, staring at the darkened form of the ‘Moulin Rogue' across the road. He turns and sits at the laptop, and begins to peck at the keys. PETE: (V/O) This story is about love... bollocks. This is a story about me, a buncha whores, some weird little dwarf and why the French are such fucking wankers. This story is about how a bird can drive you up the bloody tree and into working for Marvel Comics. The scene changes to the train station, with a slightly less disheveled Pete Wisdom stepped off of the train, suitcase in hand. PETE: (V/O) It was the turn of the century, and a new wind was blowing over Subreality, right. It came from the changed bullpen of Marvel Comics, and the Marvel ghetto was sparkling with a new energy and ideas. Artists, writers, inkers, editors, muses, fictives all flocked to the ghetto to take part in the new ideals of Truth, Beauty, Freedom... and above all, Love. I, on the other hand, was looking for Money, which drew me. My creator didn't agree with my idea. Cut to Warren Ellis, in a haze of cigar smoke and a red face yelling at the camera. ELLIS: Why do you want to go to that shite group of corporate owned whores! Stay here, and I'll write you into some Pop comics. Cut back to Pete Wisdom entering a clean version of the earlier seen room. PETE: (V/O) But I was ready to live a corporate zombie. I took rooms in a boarding house that faced onto the Moulin Rogue, the famed bullpen, dance hall, brothel and genetics lab. I was finally ready to start my new life. That's when the Russian crashed through the roof. Colossus in metal form comes hurtling through the room, slamming into the floor. He mutters a groggy ‘Da?' and passes out immediately. Pete looks up to see five faces peering down at him. LOGAN: Got a problem, bub? PETE: Well, sorta. This is my room, bollocks. ALEX:` Great, Peter's unconscious again. Logan comes down into the room, a short man in a loud vest, smoking a cigar. LOGAN: Yup, he's out. SCOTT: We need him to finish the script for the comic. LOBDELL: That's right! Who else is going to be able to play my cross-dimensional travelling telepathic messiah who just happens to be the clone of Magneto and Beast? LOGAN: Kid, you got a minute? PETE: (V/O) And that's how I found myself up in that apartment, playing a cross-dimensional travelling telepathic messiah who just happened to be the clone of Magneto and Beast. PETE: So what's this bloody mess all about? LOBDELL: It's a grand comic with all the great principles of Marvel! Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love! I call it, the X-Factor Spectacular! A story of evolution, fierce battles and crossovers! About a cross-dimensional travelling telepathic messiah who just happens to be the clone of Magneto and Beast and his fight to protect a world that fears and hates him! PETE: Um, right... LOBDELL: Now, start from this line... "The hills are alive..!" LOGAN: Why is the hill alive, again? LOBDELL: It's GORNAACK, the Hill that Walks Like A Man. He has to beat it up to save the rest of his team. ALEX: It's hard to make a tune for that. LOBDELL: The tune doesn't matter, you drip. It's a grand comic here! PETE: How about if the hill's just alive in a metaphorical sense, like. You know, these hills are alive hippie type of stuff. LOGAN: Kid's got a point. SCOTT: Maybe you and Pete could co-write it? PETE: (V/O) There would be no co-writing as Lobdell stormed out in a huff. I, on the other hand, had just signed my first contract: to write The X-Factor Spectacular for the Moulin Rogue. They dressed me in a friend's borrowed suit and agreed to try and pass me off as an old DC bullpenner looking for a new gig. They had arranged a meeting with Satjean, the lead dancer at the Moulin Rogue after her show. Little did I know that my life was about to be changed forever. Cut to the entrance way of the Moulin Rogue, as it quickly speeds through the crowds and halls to the main bullpen, decorated in brilliant colours and drapes. Standing on a stage in a dark red suit is Mister Sinister, sporting a mustache and an evil grin. PETE: (V/O) The owner of the Moulin Rogue was the brilliant and unscrupulous Nathaniel Essex. He made sure that the club maintained it's reputation as the greatest, most wild and most indulgent place in Subreality. His stable of trained fictives and muses who worked as dancers and then as whores later on were known across Subreality with their white makeup as the Gaimen Dogs. Shows a rioting scene halfway between a dance show and an orgy, with male fictives and writers all in tuxedos and the women in flashy dresses, can-caning for all they're worth. Sinister is even getting his groove on, as mind-boggling as that concept might be. Pete, Logan, Scott, Alex, and Bobby are all crowded into a corner bench as Sinister steps to the stage. SINISTER: In the Moulin Rogue, only the best genetic potential is used on the floor. And from what I see, you boys want more. So affix your attention on that corner door. Dawn, Siku, Kai and Summer are what's in store! The lights dim, and the four fictives step out in ridiculous burlesque outfits and strike a pose to the band. ALL: Hey sister. Clone sister. Drone sister. Grown sister. Hey sister. Clone sister. Drone sister. Grown sister. SUMMER: He made Madelyne down in old Uncanny Planning to rewrite the team. She said, "Hello, hey Scott Don't I make you all hot?" ALL: CC-CC, plot-plot? Na-na! CC-CC, plot-plot? Naaah! Reada choka lotta talka Bring on Lady Madelyne. Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi ce soir? Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi? DAWN: He had her knocked off when he killed the whole team Brought them all back on Aussi time. All that she got was a demon teach and a timeline. ALL: CC-CC, plot-plot? Na-na! CC-CC, plot-plot? Naaah! Reada choka lotta talka Poor ol' Lady Madelyne. Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi ce soir? Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi? SIKU: He got lots of money from the angsty bent. Gave them ideas for a sure win; All the books in. Took the independent books and made them all whores; Why think of my ideas when I can use yours? Make no sense? Ya, that's true but you bought it. I'm gonna keeping crossing over any piece of shit. Write cloned evil sons, dumb Hodge, chosen Ones And future traveling boys with big ol' guns. ALL: Hey sister, clone sister; stuck with a grown sister. SIKU: Think the clone's going no where fast? Just wait, we'll have her sleep with the new Nate. You readin'? CC-CC, plot-plot? Read lotta talka Thanks to Lady Madelyne. ALL: Madelyne! Madelyne! Madelyne! Madelyne! Hey! Hey! Hey! Kai walks in, wearing a corset and the exact big ass wig from the video. KAI: Dressed her as skimpy as code allowed! Wrote about getting her laid! He milked her for cash till she was dry! PETE: Oi, it's Dee Snyder! I used to have every Twisted Sister record when I was a kid. LOGAN: Don't. She really hates that joke. ALL: More! More! More! KAI: Now he's been canned, doing Squadron Seven Blew his shot back to the bigs. Got a new book that just makes no sense. ALL: Crap! Crap! Crap! ALL: CC-CC, plot-plot? Na-na! CC-CC, plot-plot? Naaah! Reada choka lotta talka Get rid of Lady Madelyne. Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi ce soir? Voulez-vous ecrivez avec moi? The lights dim as the floor slowly fills with dancers and Sinister takes his spot back on the stage. He smiles, which is a really creepy expression from him, and waves his hands for silence. SINISTER: And now, the pride of the Moulin Rogue! The Queen of the Night! The Angel of the 4 Colour Press! The lovely Satjean! A swing slowly descends from the ceiling, with the red-headed mutant perched on it, a la Dietrich. SATJEAN: The French are glad to buy from stands... A spotlight hits her as she hits the ground, and the other fictives dance around her. SATJEAN: A spot on the rack might be quite sentimental, But Diamond is a girl's best friend. STRYFE: Stab her eyes! She is? MAGNETO: No, Diamond. No ‘e'. STRYFE: Whew. SATJEAN: A stand is so grand, but it make the book sell, Or get that trade and get you paid. SATJEAN: Sales grow cold using ways of old And we all need some cash in the end. But direct market or subscribed, Your book gets a great ride Cause Diamond is a girl's best friend. ALL: TPB's! ALL: Limited Editions! SATJEAN: Cause we are selling to a direct market world, and I am a direct market girl. *kiss* Come and order me, boys! ALL: Tenth run! ALL: Hardcover! SATJEAN: Talk to me, Nathaniel Essex! Tell me all about it! SATJEAN: There may come a time when a book needs a promo. SINISTER: Diamond is a girl's best friend. SATJEAN: There may come a time when a fresh new deployer wants to spread your wares; But he won't last. Get stopped too fast. ALL: He's your guy when his books are high But who'll be there after they descend? Diamond is a girl's best friend. Diamond is a girl's best friend. Diamond is a girl's best friend. Satjean and Essex duck underneath the shelter of the raised dresses. SATJEAN: Is he here? SINISTER: The Cajun just sat down in the corner booth. I've agreed a private dinner for the pair of you, in the Lockheed. SATJEAN: And will he invest in The X-Factor Spectacular? SINISTER: That's up to you, girl. He's got enough money to make you what you want to be. SATJEAN: A real comic character. So, which do you think he'd like? Professor's pet? Quirky Heroine or Dark Phoenix? SINISTER: Dark Phoenix. Now go and get him! They stand back up in new outfits as the skirts drop, and the music swells again. The Cajun is stopped on his way to his booth beside Pete Wisdom and the crew by a drunken Sabretooth fictive. Satjean sees Pete Wisdom and assumes he's the Cajun. SATJEAN: Cause that's when those louses Run back to the big houses! Diamond is a girl's best friend! Satjean points at Pete and mouths ‘you' at him before disappearing up towards the ceiling. Half way up, she cries out and pitches backward, landing on a Guido fictive. He takes her backstage while Sinister starts the applause, like it's part of the act. He sneaks away as soon as possible to the back room, while the Gaimen Dogs entertain the crowd. SINISTER: Well? ARCLIGHT: Yup, she's dead, alright. SINISTER: (with a sigh of the long suffering) Again? Please tell Vertigo to set the cloning chamber on ‘Qwik-Bake'. The Cajun is waiting. Logan and friends congratulate him. The Cajun sits down on the booth next to them, and Sinister joins him. CAJUN: Gambit, he miss de floor show, non? Hohn-hohn-hohn! SINISTER: A private show has been arranged for you, Cajun. She'll be waiting for you in the Lockheed. A little dinner, a little talking, a little-- CAJUN: Hohn-hohn-hohn! SINISTER: Exactly. CAJUN: Den we will speak about dis money issues, Essex, non? Hohn-hohn-hohn! SINISTER: Of course, sir. CAJUN: Bein. Dis is Gambit's bodyguard Wade. He been outside de room to make sure dere are no interruptions. Hohn-hohn-hohn! SINISTER: You won't be disappointed. CAJUN: Gambit, he t'ink not either. Hohn-hohn-hohn! Cut to the other table as Logan and friends talk excitedly with Pete Wisdom. LOGAN: Kid, you made one hell of an impression on Satjean. BOBBY: No kidding! Wow, a private dinner in the Lockheed. PETE: What's a Lockheed? SCOTT: The purple dragon building. She only takes special friends there. ALEX: Get that interview and you'll be a shoe-in to write The X-Factor Spectacular! Cut to Pete standing nervously in the centre of a purple draped room. He fiddles nervously with his hat as he waits. The door opens, and Satjean comes in, wearing the red and gold Dark Phoenix costume. SATJEAN: My dear Cajun. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. PETE: Cajun? I don't-- SATJEAN: Would you like a drink? Champagne? PETE: Whiskey. Big glass. Leave the bottle. Cut to Logan, Scott, Alex and Bobby climbing up the back of the Lockheed. They hold Logan over to watch Pete and Jean. SATJEAN: Alright. (She hands him a glass which he gulps down.) Now, about our little meeting... PETE: Oh, right. Now, it's not quite ready yet, but I think you'll like what I've got. SATJEAN: I have no doubt. PETE: I'll warn you, it's still a little rough. SATJEAN: Oh my. PETE: But it's strong, and I think if you're just open with it, you'll really like the whole thing. SATJEAN: Of course. Come, sit on the bed. PETE: No, it's easier if I stand. SATJEAN: Well, I'll-- PETE: No, stay there. I'll just deliver it from here. SATJEAN: But that's... wow. Pete starts to stutter his way through a few lines as Satjean tries to figure out what's going on. She starts moaning and panting to encourage him, as he blushes and completely loses his spot. He keeps trying to find his place and just can't as Satjean wraps herself around him. SATJEAN: Make something up, just for me? (coos in his ear) PETE: This would be easier.... if I was a designer... But then again to... Be the man who makes changes In the editorial crew. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do, To get rid of that thong That just doesn't suit you. LOGAN: Kid's doin' well PETE: And you can show every body that you're in your thong. Maybe it's quite simple since Your other clothes are gone! I hope you don't mind; I hope you don't mind That I sound like a lout But it's hard to fight crime With your ass hanging out. Cut to Sinister, staring through a spyglass, watching what he thinks is the Cajun and Satjean enthralled. SINISTER: Ah, the genetic potential between the Cajun and Satjean will finalize my plans for the perfect clone... that and make me oodles of cash. PETE: Don't sit on the roof and crank up the angst for a few It's annoying and well it's got me bloody cross. You can dress like a person, and you can still fight fair. But I don't fight while in my underwear! Satjean goes all starry-eyed, despite the fact that he's mocking her outfit, and joins him at the roof. PETE: So excuse me for wincing, with those kicks you do. In those high heels your toes must be black and so blue! Anyway the thong is riding Riding all the way up! That's the most painful thing I've ever seen! They dance in the smog, soot, and cancer-causing industrial air pollution of turn of the century Paris Subreality. PETE: And you can show every body that you're in your thong. Maybe it's quite simple since your other clothes are gone! And you can show every body that you're in your thong. Maybe it's quite simple since your other clothes are gone! I hope you don't mind; I hope you don't mind That I sound like a lout But it's hard to fight crime With your ass hanging out! At the end of the song, they both kiss in each others arms. Satjean traces a finger over Pete's unshaven jaw. SATJEAN: I think I'm in love. With a talented, charmed, handsome, perfect Cajun... PETE: Cajun? I'm not bloody Cajun. SATJEAN: You're not? PETE: Do I sound like a cajun, bollocks? I'm a writer. SATJEAN: Oh no... tell me you're not another of Logan's mysterious past, ex-spy, mercenary friends turned writer. PETE: Well, actually-- SATJEAN: I knew it! Look, get out! Pete looks around wildly, and catches sight of Logan dangling from the roof. He does the ‘what do I do now' shrug, staring. Logan passes along the request. LOGAN: Tell her you're the best at what you do! SCOTT: Clench your hands and yell ‘SATJEEEAAANNNN!' ALEX: Tell her you don't want to be an X-Man. BOBBY: Tell her you like cheese. There is a brief pause as they look at Bobby, who blushes. Pete shakes his head and turns back to Satjean. PETE: I really was just here about the-- The door crashes open and the Cajun walks in. His leerier smile drops as he sees Pete standing in the middle of the room. CAJUN: Gambit, he not expect dis. Hohn-hohn-hohn! SATJEAN: My dear Cajun-- CAJUN: Essex not tell me dis was going to be a threesome. Hohn-hohn-hohn! PETE: Threesome? Look, you flaming-- SATJEAN: My dear Cajun. (Satjean makes frantic shushing motions at Pete.) Mister Wisdom isn't here for a threesome. CAJUN: Non? Den what's he doing in a locked bedroom alone wit you when you supposed t' be wit de Cajun tonight? Hohn-hohn-hohn! SATJEAN: It's an emergency... rehearsal. CAJUN: Rehearsal? Gambit, he look dat stupid? Hohn-hohn-hohn! PETE: Well-- LOGAN: Hey kid! We getting this rehearsal on the road here? (Logan just appears from the balcony. Scott, Alex, Colossus and Bobby follow him in.) ALEX: I hope this piano is in tune! CAJUN: Dis be kinkier den Gambit like. Hohn-hohn-hohn! SATJEAN: Well, Cajun, the thought of you coming filled me with such... passion that I felt the immediate need to work on the brilliant play, and of course, take your ideas into account. Cut to Sinister, looking through his spyglass at the sudden crowd. SINISTER: What the hell is this? Cut back to the room, in which Sinister bursts through the door. SINISTER: My dear Cajun! I can explain everything! SATJEAN: Essex, he already knows about the last minute rehearsal. SINISTER: The what? Oh, right! The rehearsal! (Sinister makes a grand gesture with his hands) Yes, the rehearsal! SATJEAN: And he wants to invest in the comic. SINISTER: Invest! Yes, invest! My dear Cajun, I assure you that Lobdell's comic is one of the-- SATJEAN: Sorry Nathaniel, but the genies out of the bottle. The Cajun is already a fan of our new writer Wisdom's work.