(Section IV)
by DizzyB
A Work in Progress Rated R for violence, language, sexual situations (may become NC-17 in the future) Summary: Picks up in season 6 immediately after Dead Things, canon till then and veers off into AU - Spike makes a choice that sets off events with long-reaching consequences - crossover with ATS (canon through Loyalty - season 3) Buffy/Spike, Wes/Faith, Angel/Cordelia
Author's Note: Forgot to make the usual disclaimers on Section I, so please note that these characters in no way belong to me. They are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Twentieth Century Fox Productions.
Sunnydale, CA
Shopping is totally my sport! If it
were an actual sport, I could totally
go pro. Better yet, I could compete in
the Shopping Olympics... Ooh, how cool
would that be? I can so see it...some
super-fine store, like Harrod's or maybe someplace on Rodeo Drive, or,
ooh
better yet, some chic fashion boutique in Paris. Yeah,
that's it. Me and a
few other select competitors with a limited budget and a ticking clock
trying
to find the best outfit at the best price in the shortest amount of
time. That gold medal would so be mine. Although...I actually prefer silver to gold,
goes better with my coloring, but I guess that wouldn't work, huh? Anyway, shopping is definitely the sport of
choice regardless. Before becoming the
Slayer, other than cheerleading, I wasn't exactly what you would call
an
athletic person. And the cheerleading
was really all about being popular and looking good in front of guys,
not about
being active at all. I avoided
housework like the plague (my mom referred to my room as 'the
devastation and
wreckage from Hurricane Buffy') and riding a bike wasn't cool once you
hit
junior high, so shopping was really the only time I ever actually did
anything
energetic back then. Once I became the
Slayer, I was introduced to this whole new world of martial arts and
fighting,
and really surprised myself with how easily I took to all that. And I guess most of the ability came from
being the Slayer, but I discovered that I thoroughly enjoyed being so
active. Patrolling and slaying are
physically
demanding and can be really taxing at times, but I thrive on the
challenge. And I enjoy being toned and
muscular, which
I so wasn't B.S. (before slaying)... But
even now, shopping is the one activity that really gets my blood
pumping, so to
speak.
Shopping is so much more than going to
the store, making a purchase and maybe hitting a sale.
Any dope can do that. True shopping
is like going on a hunt. You've got to
know the target which stores
carry what brands. You've got to know
the conditions what's in season and what's on sale.
You've got to work within your own physical limitations if you
can't afford everything (I can't...who can?), then you have to know
what's a
bargain and what isn't so you can jump on one when you find it. But true shopping goes even beyond those
surface
things. At times it can be an emotional
experience that transcends anything else.
Finding the perfect dress or pair of shoes particularly when
you're
not looking for them can be such a high.
Or even better is when you find an outfit and can picture
yourself
wearing it in ideal conditions, such as a romantic date with a
boyfriend who
adores you or looking really hot at a party with lots of drool-worthy
guys. Sometimes you find that one piece
of clothing that's incomplete a great shirt or skirt that doesn't go
with
anything else in your closet, but you get it anyway because it's just
right for
you. And then, later on, when you find
the complementary piece to go with it...well, there's your medal.
Today I am at the mall to buy a couple
of new outfits because I desperately need the confidence booster. Faith told me that she and the others are
coming to Sunnydale for a while. That
means I'll be seeing Spike and Dawn. As
I haven't seen them since my disastrous non-attempt at communication in
L.A. a
few weeks ago...I'm understandably nervous about this.
I so badly want to try to make things better with both of them,
and there's so much to overcome that I still have no clue where to
start. Thinking about even seeing them
makes me
nervous. Thinking about actually
talking to either one of them makes me want to puke.
Anya's been encouraging me to practice talking out loud to
them. I can usually make it to either
name before the intense urge to run to the bathroom and vomit takes
over. And that's without the benefit of
alcohol. When I've been drinking and
have attempted this, the urge to vomit usually wins out.
Hence the sober practice lately. Once
you clean up your own mess a time or
two...well, it's a pretty strong deterrent to repeating that particular
behavior. So, I had started practicing
in front of the mirror and I happened to notice that I've been looking
frumpy
lately. I haven't been going out much,
although I'm making some attempts with Anya's help to be more
sociable. Anyway, I finally saw that my
hair really
needed new highlights, my nails desperately needed a manicure, and I
could use
a new outfit or two while I'm at it.
All things designed to help me feel better about myself so that
I can
actually have some confidence to try to be a better me and make amends. So, I'm here at the mall today and I've
already gotten my nails and hair done.
The hair looks really good, too, if I do say so myself. I'm going to have to remember that girl's
name because she did a great job on both the cut and the color. And the importance of finding a good
hairdresser is a whole other rant that I'm not getting into today! Back to me...I was so pleased by how good I
look that I even treated myself to a massage at the spa.
Now I'm totally relaxed and having a blast
shopping the day away. So far I've
found a great pair of jeans, a really cute pair of sandals, two sexy
tops for
going out, a new lightweight jacket for the cooler weather coming up,
and some
pretty new underwear. After all, it's
very important to feel attractive on every level. After
Victoria's Secret, I decide to hit Petite
Sophisticate. I've decided to buy some
more elegant clothes today to go with my new grown-up approach. Not that I've actually been a successful
grown-up yet...
Wait!
Not true, Buffy. Stop the
negative self-talk!! Anya's been
lecturing me lately on the importance of self-talk and how by telling
yourself
positive stuff you can actualize these things into reality. Well, now's as good a time as any to
practice that. Hmm, let's see. I initiated a friendship with Anya because I
was willing to really get to know her.
I sold my childhood home and moved into my very first apartment. I have a job that I actually rather enjoy
and I'm looking at going back to school again.
I'm managing my time successfully so that I can slay and still
have a
life. I've started the painful process
of examining my past mistakes and trying to learn from them. I'm attempting to work up the courage to
make amends with the two people I've hurt the most.
And I've even taken the time to see my friends and Angel in a
different light and realize that I can't live my life to make them
happy. I've got to live for me, and if
they're
really my friends, then they'll support me in that.
Wow. Those are all very
mature steps on my part. How 'bout
that? I am growing up.
Who knew?
Yay, me! With a new spring in my
step, I continue on my way.
I'm pleasantly surprised by how pretty
the clothes are in this store. I was
half-convinced that they'd be stuffy and uncomfortable, but I can feel
adult and
still be beautiful in most of this stuff.
After picking out two dresses that I love, a few tops and a
skirt, I
make my way back to the dressing rooms.
I've saved the dresses for last because they're my favorites,
but so
far, I'm sold. Most of this stuff fits
me great and is really flattering. Not
that it's stuff I could patrol in or anything, but I'm going to be
going on job
interviews and stuff like that one of these days, and I could so pull
that off
in these clothes. I slide the blue
strapless dress on and am totally blown away by how good it looks on me. Not to be immodest or anything!
I rarely wear blue anymore, and I'm suddenly
wondering why it's not been in my closet lately. Because
blue is such a great color for me. With my
tan and the new highlights, I feel
absolutely gorgeous. The dress is
tea-length and I'm struck by the desire to see it from all angles. I'm pretty sure there was a spot just inside
the dressing area where you could view yourself in three mirrors at
once. Leaving everything else where it is,
I open
the door and sashay my way down the hall.
I'm about to round the corner when I hear a voice that stops me
in my
tracks. I tiptoe a few steps closer and
peer around the edge. And sure enough,
there's Spike sitting on a chair just outside the dressing room
entrance
hollering to Faith to get her 'sweet arse into gear and come show us
the
goods.'
I
can't move. I'm frozen in place by the
sight of him. And then a door opens on
the other side of the waiting area and out steps Faith looking
drop-dead
gorgeous. She's wearing a black
sleeveless evening gown. And although
my dress is really pretty and I still know that I look good, Faith puts
me to shame
at the moment. She looks elegant and
sophisticated and I suddenly feel like a little girl playing dress-up. Faith has reached the spot I was originally
aiming for and is admiring the view with a critical eye.
I don't know what she thinks there is to
disapprove of though. She's stunning
and no one could possibly say otherwise.
Spike obviously agrees with me judging by the low wolf whistle
and
appreciative looks. Faith blushes, but
smiles happily when he starts going on about how beautiful she is. And then the picture is completed when Dawn
walks into the dressing room carrying a couple of dresses and saying
something
about finding some outfits she thinks Faith should try on.
When she looks up and catches sight of
Faith, her smile is luminous as she adds her words of praise. And it breaks my heart not because they're
both admiring Faith. Oh, no, I totally
agree with them! Faith grew up to
become a breathtakingly beautiful woman and I don't even begin to
compete with
her anymore. It's not that at all. It's just that they are so happy for her and
proud of her and it shows. And I know
that they both wanted to share that with me once, but I blew it. And I'm looking at what could have been mine
can't say should when I screwed up, can I? and for the first time
ever, I'm
left holding the bag (shopping, that is) and feeling like a loser
rather than a
winner. Some times life just sucks like
that.
************************************************************************************************
You know those fairy tales that you hear
growing up? Snow White, Sleeping
Beauty, Cinderella and the like? Well,
those are complete and total bullshit.
Seriously, I've known that since I was a little kid. Even at the tender age of five, all I had to
do was look around me and I knew that life was no fairy tale. No matter how you slice it, life is all
about the Haves and the Have-Nots. And
I know that a lot of people think I mean money, but it's more than that. I can still remember being jealous of the
other kids who had a dad at home. To
me, that represented a certain measure of security and I would have
given a lot
to have that. But I never did, and
although a lot of those fairy tale chicks were also screwed over in
this
department, their lives changed for the better. Mine
never did, and that was how I knew that fairy tales were
full of lies. And I couldn't afford to
believe the lies if I wanted to hold on to my sanity.
Instead I developed a thick protective skin and hid the pain I
felt most days. Life went on in a blur
of misery until I became a Slayer. That
was when things changed for me. At
first, I thought that a fairy tale-like gift had been given to me. I was suddenly a Have because I had power
and ability that no one else had. I
felt special for the first time in a really long time.
When I came to Sunnydale and met B, my gift
was a bit tainted in my eyes. Not
because there were two Slayers I was cool with that.
It was because she had everything that I had
never had and always wanted AND she was the Slayer.
That rubbed me the wrong way, because Slaying was really ALL I
had. What's funny is that if given the
choice, I would have traded the Slaying gig in a heartbeat to have the
family
and friends that Buffy had. She was the
Have and I was the Have-Not.
Today that's all changed. I'm the
Have and Buffy is the Have-Not...where
family and friends are concerned anyway.
And I didn't take that away from her.
She lost them on her own. But
where once I would have gloated over that, I am no longer the jealous
girl that
envied her Slayer sister. I know what
it's like to be the Have-Not and desperately want till it hurts. Which is why I feel so much for her
situation right now. This isn't like
last time at all. I want to try to help
Buffy heal her relationships with Spike and Dawn. And
where before I would have felt threatened by the thought of
sharing people important to me with her...
Now I am secure in my own relationships and can honestly want to
see
things change for the better. Talk
about a 180° for me! As I smile from
Spike's and Dawn's compliments, I do a complete 360° before the mirrors
and I
catch sight of Buffy watching us. The
expression on her face says it all, and I can't help but feel her pain. It's not fun being on the outside looking
in, which is why I call out in greeting to her. There's
a look of panic in her eyes, but I don't allow her to run
away. Instead I'm walking over and
pulling her out to stand in front of the mirror with me, hoping that
Spike and
Dawn will play nice today. B seems very
fragile emotionally where those two are concerned, and I totally get
why, but
the healing has to start somewhere. My
Slayer sister is a bit like a scared animal at the moment.
Her eyes are darting every way and I just
know that she's looking for a way out of this, but I don't let her
escape. I make her spin in front of the
mirror, even
though she's blushing so heavily it looks like she has fever, and I
want to
make that better for her. So I start
with the compliments and they come rolling easily off my tongue because
she
looks awesome. That dress was just made
for her!
Apparently that was exactly what she
needed to hear, because she looks up at me with a smile and I can see
how much
she appreciates that sentiment. And
then Spike is stepping up next to us and graces B with a very
flattering
once-over, before informing her that although she's always been
beautiful to
him...she looks especially amazing today.
I think for a moment that she might cry, particularly when Spike
calls
her 'luv' but she holds it together although her smile is still a bit
tremulous. Then she dares a glance at
Dawn who has had a slew of emotions cross her face in the past few
minutes, but
I'm really proud of Dawn in this moment.
She agrees with our assessment and tells Buffy that she looks
beautiful
and should wear blue more often. I know
for a fact that Dawn is still mad at Buffy (although I suspect that her
anger
is mostly a defense mechanism at this point) so this is admirable for
her. I make a special point to smile
approvingly
and flash her a thumbs-up behind Buffy's back.
But I don't want things to get awkward, which they easily could,
and
this is very much not the place for a heavy heart-to-heart. So, I mostly carry the conversation for the
next few minutes talking about the house we've rented, asking her
what she's
up to, and so on. When it looks like
things are going to drag, I suggest that Spike and Dawn go finish their
shopping and decide on dinner while I look at B's other finds and
finish up
myself. I can honestly say that I have
never seen her look at me so gratefully before today.
After the others leave and we're alone, B seems to be on the
verge of collapse emotionally. Wow,
she's more fragile than I thought! I
grab my stuff and we head back to her dressing room where she slides
down the
wall as soon as I shut the door. And
although I'm doing much better with being sensitive to feelings and
such these
days, I'm still very alarmed by the tears flowing down her cheeks
before she
hits the floor! What do I do now?
Whew!
Turns out they were tears of relief and gratitude as I learn a
few
minutes later. Buffy has apparently
been totally dreading seeing Spike and Dawn again and was thankful for
my
presence just now. Never thought I'd be
the calming influence in any situation, and that makes me smirk! Which of course Buffy notices, so I have to
explain it to her. She looks surprised
for about two seconds and then she starts giggling and soon we're both
rolling
hysterically. Didn't know that laughter
could be so cathartic. Is that the
right word? I'm trying to work on my
vocabulary these days...for Wesley. Not
because he's said or done anything to make me feel stupid!
On the contrary, he makes me feel like my
thoughts and views are the most interesting ones he's ever heard. It's just that he's so smart that it makes
me want to better myself. And he makes
me believe that I can learn or do anything...even got me to seriously
think about
my education and I decided to finish high school. Since
Dawn emancipated herself, she doesn't have a diploma
either. Once she heard what I was
thinking, she decided to do it with me, so we're both studying these
days. It's nice to have someone to study
with,
particularly when you've never had very good study habits in the past. I started with my vocabulary, and I'm taking
practice GED tests right now. I'm even
considering taking a couple of college courses once I get that GED out
of the
way. And I never would have seen myself
doing all this, but I am and I feel good about it.
And I didn't realize I was talking out loud until just now, but
it turns out that Buffy is all for it.
Turns out she's been doing stuff for herself these days too. We end up sitting in that little cramped
dressing room for like half an hour or so just catching up on the good
things
we're doing for ourselves. And it's
funny how excited we honestly are for each other. Sounds
silly, but it's true.
And I can tell she feels the same way.
I guess the one downside of being the Slayer is that the answer
is
usually physical, but B and I are trying to change that, and it feels
good!
We finally leave the store after
paying for our purchases and head over to the Espresso Pump for a
coffee. Spike and Dawn are still shopping
and will
probably be a while as they're at the Music Wherehouse.
Those two could get lost in that place and
when they start talking about the Ramones and the Sex Pistols, I'm as
lost as B
is there. So, she and I decide to get a
latte and Anya pops in (literally) to join us.
After I clean up my spilled latte which Anya kindly replaced
to
apologize for startling me with that teleportation bit the three of
us sit
and chat for a bit, and it's really nice.
I've never had girlfriends before...at any age.
I was always a misfit when it came to that.
Always told myself it was no big deal, but
it hurt, and I never knew how nice it could be until now.
So, by the time we are ready to part ways
for the evening, my mind is made up.
I'm going to have to start working on Spike and Dawn both to be
open to
some kind of reconciliation with Buffy, because I'd like to do this
more often
and I don't want it to be always awkward when those guys are in the
same room
together. As I say goodbye, B surprises
me with an impulsive hug and a heartfelt Thanks before she and Anya
leave. And I surprise myself by being very
okay
with this very public display of affection.
Heading back to the rental house to meet the others for dinner,
I have a
song in my heart and a smile on my face.
For the first time in a long time, I feel really good about
things. I know that there's still a lot to
deal with
and figure out, and some of it is probably very serious, but at the
moment I am
totally light-hearted and positive about the future.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
You know how on TV and movies,
whenever someone brings up dιjΰ vu, it's in relation to remembering a
lost love
or realizing the significance of the clue that cracks the case? Or something as equally hokey, but it's
almost always a good thing? Unless
you're watching a soap, of course, in which case you're remembering
things from
before you had amnesia or were brainwashed.
Then it's kind of on the creepy side.
WELL, no one ever mentions that dιjΰ vu can be a very unsettling
experience. Particularly when you're
recalling fake memories implanted by a bunch of well meaning but poorly
guided
monks. Take a couple of days ago, for
example. There we are at the mall,
having fun...laughing...joking around...all in all a darn good day. We head into a shop to get a dress for Faith
for her upcoming big 'First Date' with Wesley (more on that in a
minute!) and
it sparks a memory. But it's not until
I'm running back into the dressing room with more outfits for Faith
stupid
6-item limit anyway that I know what that is. As
I walk in and see Faith twirling slowly in front of the
three-way mirror, it hits me, and I'm struck with an oddly overwhelming
melancholy. In my memories, Buffy and I
did this exact
same thing and we were laughing and having fun and I was teasing her
about her
date for the Hemery High dance that was cute as could be but kind of
stupid in
an oafish athletic way. The reality is
that the only time Buffy and I went to the mall together was when Mom
forced
her to take me school shopping a couple of times and when I had to
return some
shoplifted stuff a while back. A far
cry from the material of my memories, to be sure.
Anyway, all that's just passed through
my mind when Faith spots Buffy for real and brings her out to join us. I'm not sure who was the most ill at ease
with that whole scene. Only Faith seemed
to be comfortable in any sense of the word.
But I was a big girl and managed to be pleasant to my sister,
whom I
haven't seen since her trip to L.A. and whom I haven't spoken to really
for
months before I left. Well, I spoke
occasionally. She didn't listen, or if
she did, she gave me no indication whatsoever that she heard anything I
said. And I get that she had been dead,
and it was rough for her. Being torn
out of Heaven has to suck in any circumstance.
Being torn out by ungrateful friends that didn't do anything to
help you
adjust and expected you to solve all their problems, must have sucked
beyond
the telling of it. And I've dealt with
some of my anger at Buffy over how she ignored me during that time...I
really
have. She was depressed to begin with,
and it's not like anyone at home was helping out financially, so she
must have
had all kinds of stress regarding finances and stuff, not to mention
slayage
and world-saving on a regular basis. I
get that and I appreciate the seriousness of those issues.
I can understand why I didn't come first on
her priorities at that time. And I've
come to terms with that. What I don't
understand and have yet to forgive her for is the fact that I didn't
even
register on her scale. It wasn't that I
was third or even eighth on her list. I
didn't make the cut beyond 'obligation' and 'burden' and she let me
know that
in every way she could during that time.
Social freaking services was going to take me away and all she
could
tell me to do was stop skipping school!
Give me a break. How about
talking to me, sister of mine?
Listening, for once? Or maybe
just acknowledging my presence as your only family?
Or as a human being with feelings too? I
mean, I lost my mother and my sister in the space of a couple
of months. It's not like our father had
been around for the past few years before that, and he remained true to
form
during that time, pretending like we didn't exist.
I was literally an orphan!
The only person who was there for me at all before Buffy came
back was
Spike...and Tara. I have to give Tara
credit for making sure that I had clean clothes and balanced meals. And she actually talked to me, unlike the
others who couldn't seem to look at me.
I always felt like they blamed me on some level for Buffy the
sister
who they loved being gone. But Tara
never made me feel like I was a second choice.
She showed me real affection, just not all the time, because she
was
with Willow and that's a full-time job.
Talk about needy! Willow has
always demanded a lot of attention. And
that stems from insecurity, I'm sure.
So, it's no wonder that Tara didn't have as much time for me,
and that's
okay. I appreciate that she at least
cared and treated me like a person. I
might as well not have existed where the other Scoobies were concerned. Although, to be fair to Anya, she didn't so
much ignore me in particular as she ignored everything in favor of
running the
Magic Box. And since Giles was a
depressed wreck of a man during that time, there was a lot of pressure
on her
to do just that. But the original
Scoobies Giles, Willow, and Xander some of Buffy's closest friends... Wouldn't you think that they would have
looked out for little sister out of love for Buffy's memory or
something? 'Cause I sure wasn't feeling
the love back
then!
The only one who made me
feel truly
safe and loved was Spike. And sure he
was occasionally violently graphic with his descriptions of what he'd
do to me
when I scared him, but it only showed me how much he cared...because he
was
scared of losing me. I came first with
Spike, and he was already family to me, but that summer cemented it. Then Buffy came back, and I didn't know why
at first, but Spike wasn't coming around as much. And
I knew it had to do with Buffy, but back then I just thought
it was because he was worried about her and spending more time with her. He still managed to make time for me
checked in to see how I was doing, if I needed help with homework, etc. And I was back in school, so I did have
contact with friends on a daily basis.
When I overheard Buffy telling Spike to stay away from me, I was
shocked
by how hateful she was to him. When I
learned about their affair, that made more sense, but at the time I was
angry
at her for a whole other set of reasons.
She couldn't be bothered to acknowledge that she had a sister
most days,
and she was going to dare to try to keep my only other family away from
me? Bitch! And
I still feel that way about that topic. I
get that there were problems and stress
and a number of other factors affecting my sister back then. But I was sixteen freaking years old, for
crying out loud. I'm trying to watch
the F-word these days. Spike's been
getting after me about cursing again, which would be funny as well as
hypocritical of him, if he weren't so damned sincere about it. Those Victorian manners come out at the
oddest times. Anyway, like I was
saying, I was only a teenager and one that was still in school, at that. Kind of couldn't work here.
Kind of still a minor. Kind of
dependent on the adults in my life
to provide for me and take care of things.
Well, my sister flunked in every area of my life when it came to
that. Actions do speak a lot louder
than words. And the occasional
lip-service she gave never really measured up...
Not when you consider that she would walk off in the middle of
me
talking to her. Not when she rarely
came home and hardly ever acknowledged my presence when she was home. Not when she tried to keep away the person
who cared the most about me and treated me best. Not
when she took no interest in me or anything that was going on
in my life beyond fussing if I got in the way.
And if life is that hard, then get help, damn it.
If you need help financially, ask for
it. Ask your 'tenants' for rent. Ask the Council for a salary or a stipend if
they want you to have time to Slay. Or
tell them to bust their other Slayer out of jail if they can't pony up
the
dosh. Giles gave her some money once,
but it didn't go very far, and what was he supposed to do?
Support us?
Give me a break. But Willow and
Tara were living there rent-free for months and although Tara kept up
with the
work around the house, Willow never lifted a finger...unless it was in
conjunction with a spell, that is! I
know for a fact that Spike offered her money and she refused it. Never even asked him where it was from. And if the possible 'illegal source' was
really her problem with taking money from him, wouldn't you think she
would
have at least asked, especially considering that she was desperate
enough to
get a job flipping burgers? And how
bizarre is it that she never once clued in to the fact that the 'evil
soulless
fiend' was the only one besides her Watcher that even noticed our money
troubles, let alone offered to do anything about it.
And her friends totally knew.
I heard Anya give her a financial breakdown in front of everyone
right
after she got back. And considering
that they still thought she had been in hell, how selfish were they not
to
offer to help?
So, yeah, I'm still peeved at Buffy
for a few things, like putting her selfish friends above me...like making
me feel
like I was nothing more than a burden to her.
That was awful to feel like I wasn't loved.
And I still feel that way where she's concerned.
And considering all the issues my sister has
with rejection, you'd think she'd understand where I'm coming from. Why I'm hesitant to even think about the
possibility of letting her get close enough to hurt me again. What's that old saying? Once
bitten, twice shy. Or fool me once, shame
on you...fool me twice,
shame on me. Both fit.
And I'm not stupid. I can see that
she's making some effort at
changing. She wouldn't be living with
Anya, if she wasn't. And the two times
I've seen her, she's been subdued and unsure and totally unlike the
bitchy
sister I recall. It's just that I don't
trust her not to hurt me again...or Spike either for that matter. I haven't seen anything on her part that
makes me want to take a chance with her.
And she's going to have to give me something solid to work with
there
before I'll be willing to risk it. I'm
hopeful that Spike won't take unnecessary chances with her either. I know he still loves her.
Even without the necklace, I can tell from
the way he reacted when he saw her the other day and afterward. He and I haven't talked about it yet. We both needed some time to process. And it's his heart and totally his
prerogative if he decides to do anything with her, but I hope he'll be
smart
about it and not give her the power to hurt him again.
Because she hurt him worse than anyone else
ever has, I think. Even Angel and Dru
have nothing on Buffy in that department.
I should talk to him about all that and see where his head is
right now,
just to make sure he's thinking clearly.
Maybe tonight. Wes and Faith
will be out on their first date, and just how sweet is that? And that Elke chick arrives in a couple of
days, so I think tonight might be the best time for me and him to talk
alone. Oooh, I am so ordering Chinese
for us. Where is that menu?
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
If asked years ago, or even weeks ago,
I would have denied that I could have ever under ANY circumstances at
all
even considered the possibility of dating Faith. It
was not a subject that would have been laughable. It
was absurd and out of the question and
much more likely to happen in a parallel but opposite dimension. What does Dawn call that?
Oh, yes... bizarro world! Well,
apparently that's where I live now,
because the unimaginable has happened and then some.
Not only are Faith and I going out on our first official date
tonight, but I also think I'm on the verge of falling in love with her. And I fear that if I give my heart to her...I
will never get it back. She will own me
for all eternity whether she wants me or not.
And that is a truly terrifying notion, indeed.
I have experienced unrequited love on more than one occasion and
recently with Fred. But Faith is a far
cry from Fred, and I am thankful for that every day.
Fred had the intellect and I was intrigued as much by her mind
as
attracted to her demure beauty.
Realizing that she did not see me in that manner at all was such
a
blow. I had fancied that she and I were
kindred souls and she rejected that notion outright.
I gave up on love at that point.
If someone who is so like you cannot love you, then who can? Forming a family with Spike and Dawn helped
to repair my battered self-esteem. They
touched my heart and that saved me more than they will likely ever
realize. But it is Faith that has truly
touched my soul.
She came back from traveling
dimensions a different person. As a
woman, she is quite simply the most gorgeous and amazing person I have
ever
laid eyes on. She has overcome so much
of what was in her past things I never knew or cared to learn about
her
before now. Faith has the most
incredible soul. She has this fighting
spirit that never really gives up, even when she was down and out
before...she
managed to come back. And every day
that I get to spend with her makes me more and more grateful that she
did come
back from the childhood abuse, the low self-esteem, the murder, the
time in
jail, and especially from dimension hopping.
If she hadn't made it back here, I never would have known what I
was
missing. It never would have occurred
to me that she would be someone I could and should take interest in or
get to
know or even have in my life on any level at all. But
I have gotten to know her and she's quickly become the most
important person in my world other than Dawn and Spike, of course. And it's precisely because of that, I am
scared stiff of what happens next. I
have always done better in the 'friends' department than in the
'boyfriend'
one. Apparently I've been a dismal
failure there, as evidenced by my depressingly consistent lack of a
love-life. What if I botch this
up? If I wrong-step tonight, I could
bugger the whole thing royally and never get another chance.
I'm staring at myself in the mirror and I look like I want to throw up and I feel that way truly. Oh, god, this was a mistake. I'll mess it up. I always do. Maybe it's not too late to call it off, huh? I could say that I'm sick, and I think they would all believe me if they could see me at this moment. How bad would it be if I did that? Would I lose her as a friend by disappointing her like that? Of course, I'm likely to screw it all up anyway and then things will be awkward between us. I'm completely buggered either way! This is a disaster. Why did I ask her out? WHY?!? Breathe, Wesley...breathe. That's Spike knocking on the door telling me that Faith is nearly ready to come down. I start hyperventilating when I hear that, and that damn vampire hearing picks up on it! Spike is through the door in one second, and spots what is wrong in the next. He actually smiles at me the Bastard! I'm overcome with rage that he is less than sympathetic to my plight, and my anger quickly outweighs my fear. It's only after I have started to berate him that I realize he is now smirking. He knows me all too well, and that was definitely the best way to get me over the first hurdle. I start to say something, but he just smiles knowingly which makes me want to deal him a very firm blow to the face at this very moment and says something about how I'd be a fool to let fear keep me from going out with Faith, and that I'm anything but a fool. That bolstered my flagging ego and relieved me of the strong urge to punch my dear friend. Two birds with one stone! Egad, now I'm thinking in pithy statements. I desperately need a drink, which is immediately produced by Spike. As we chug the mini-bottles of Jack that he carries everywhere these days although when he stole them from the airplane is a total mystery I finally feel the panic fully retreating, and I am so relieved that I could cry or laugh. I decide to take the manly route and let out what is supposed to be a deep chuckle, but emerges more as a hysterical giggle. That sets us both off laughing uproariously and I don't know when we would have stopped, except that movement catches my eye and I look up to see Faith descending the stairs.
My laughter vanishes as I
behold the
vision before me. I'm mesmerized by her
grace and beauty. When she reaches the
bottom of the stairs, I bow and kiss her hand and only after do I look
up and
meet her eyes. What a relief to see
that she is as nervous as I am about this.
Recognizing that in each other relaxes us both and we smile
shyly. I could have been happy to spend
the evening
just staring into her eyes and holding her hand, but Dawn is suddenly
fluttering around us with a camera. And
where in the world did that come from, I wonder? Spike's
unabashed grin names him as the culprit and I am seized
by the strong urge to stick out my tongue at him. I
maturely refrain until he makes an inane comment about 'the
kids all dressed up for prom' and then I can no longer contain myself. That breaks any lingering tension as all
four of us laugh and Faith and I begin striking silly poses that
delight Dawn
no end. However, when I notice Faith
sticking her tongue out at Spike, my thoughts go to impure places and I
have to
call a quick halt to the picture session before anyone else notices my
lightly
burgeoning arousal. Grabbing our coats,
I manage to cloak any incriminating evidence as I natter on about our
reservations. I can see Spike smirking
at me and I know the damn vampire has picked up on my reaction. Fortunately the girls seem oblivious as they
chat lightly about Faith's dress and how good her lipstick looks. Hmm, it does look good. Bloody
hell, that was the wrong thing to pay
attention to and I'm suddenly trying to call up images of my father in
a
tutu. Spike looks like the cat that ate
the canary and I mentally promise him some good-natured but fully
deserved
retribution for this. Thankfully his
comment about me 'being happy I didn't lose my lunch or I wouldn't have
the
chance to lose my drawers' is spoken low enough for only me to hear. And at that, I am the one sporting the
shit-eating grin as I confidently and eagerly escort my lovely date out
the
door.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
You know those little rats that are
used in lab experiments? I swear I've
been one in a previous life, because all the things that happen to me
bloody
reek of being someone's soddin' guinea pig and it's so dιjΰ vu for me
that I
just know I've lived it before now.
There's just no other explanation that I can see.
I've spent both my entire life and unlife
being subjected to a series of trials and tribulations that never end
just
morph into something or someone new. If
it's not society's hoops to jump through then it's changing to please
Dru or
learning to read Angelus correctly so I can survive another day. And if behavior modification isn't enough
for the PTB's favorite vamp to fuck with, well then...let's try some
pain/pleasure stimulus tests, shall we?
Drop an organ on him and let him watch his love throw him aside
for
another while he's helpless to stop it.
Think those responses were interesting, well then, why not
investigate
his responses to other hardships? And
if emotional trials aren't enough, well then we can always introduce a
permanent pain stimulus factor and see how that turns out.
Even Pavlov eventually rewarded the
dog. When do I get a reward?
When do the tests stop? When is it
ever enough?
Bloody hell. I shouldn't complain,
really.
I do have rewards in my life Niblet, Wes, Faith, Angel
(surprise,
surprise), Connor, the gang at AI, a bloody profitable business that
I'm right
proud of, to be honest. So I don't have
a woman, so what? Could have me a woman
if I wanted one. Could go out there and
pick up some bloody chit to shag senseless...and maybe I should do that. Maybe it'd relieve some of this blasted
tension I feel these days. I have a lot
to be grateful for, and I am...I'd just like to actually be able to enjoy
it for
a while. Instead I've got to go be part
of this buggering imbrigatt. I still
can't believe what's expected of me.
There's a big part of me that really wants Elke to show up and
tell me
it wasn't Joyce that I saw. Then at
least I'd have some choice in the matter.
'Cause if it is Joyce, then there's no way I won't do it. Did that statement end up being positive or
negative? Can't keep my own thoughts
straight these days running in circles and doin' loop-de-loops all
over the
place. My heart tells me that it was
Joyce I saw and I just can't refuse the first Summers to ever befriend
me. My head tells me that this imbrigatt
is
exactly what the Powers That Fuck With You would think of for me next. Elke doesn't get here till day after
tomorrow, but I'm bloody well convinced that I know how it's goin' down
already. Which means that I've got to
come clean with the others about the details of the imbrigatt. I haven't told anyone yet 'cause I needed to
process first and I was kind of hopin' I wouldn't have to go through
with
it. Doesn't sound like a walk in the
park exactly and I still don't see what the point is...
Anyway, I can't put it off any longer. Wes
& Faith are out and Dawn's building us the biggest
soddin' sundae I've ever seen. Where does
she put all that food? Girl must have a
hollow leg...and possibly a hollow arm or two.
I didn't want to ruin Wes & Faith's evening, so I decided to
talk to
them tomorrow. But I knew I had to tell
Dawn first and privately, as it will probably hit her the hardest. Don't know that she'll take it well at
all. Only one way to find out. Time to pony up, Spike, m' boy.
She's just a teenager. Nothing to
be afraid of, right?
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
What the Fuck? You have got to be
kidding me! And I'll stop cussing some
other time, thank
you very much. That little tidbit of
information totally deserves a huge round of curse words and I'll be
damned if
I'll stem the flow 'till I've vented to my satisfaction.
How could Spike not have told me about this
before now? Although...this certainly
does explain some things about his emotional state lately.
Spike's been blocking me from getting more
than a vague sense of unease from him ever since England.
Now I know why. And I'm kind of
freaking out here. I get that if it was my
mom who asked Spike to do this, then he's
going to go through with it, no matter what.
And I trust my mom totally, so I'd probably do the same thing. But don't we at least deserve some kind of
explanation for why he should have to go through something like this
other than
'it's important to the future that you do this'? I
mean, come on, give me a break! That's an
awful lot to take on faith here, and I don't know that
I'm willing to take those risks. This
is Spike we're talking about and I just got him back.
Now they want to send him off on a mission that he might not
return from? If anyone can do this,
it's definitely Spike, but what a task.
It scares me to think of him doing this and now I'm suddenly
hoping that
it wasn't my mom. I do get why Spike
didn't tell me he knew I'd freak out, and I so totally am. But I'm not mad at him. I
am completely pissed off at the Powers
That Be, however. What gives them the
right to fuck with my best friend like this?
Go pick on someone else for a change, you bastards!
Spike has done so much to change and to help
others...he got his soul back, he spent 10 years finding and protecting
Connor to
bring him home safe...and even before the soul he was working for the
'white
hats' as he calls it. Doesn't he
deserve some kind of consideration for all that? But
no, they want to put him through the wringer literally this
time. And I'm crying now tears of
anger, tears of fear, tears that I don't think will stop any time soon. And then Spike is holding me tight and
promising me that he won't do this unless he has to and if he does,
then he'll
make it back to me no matter what it takes.
And even though I hear the unspoken part that if it was mom,
then that
means he has to do this...well, I also hear his promise to come back to
me. Spike always keeps his word to me. So I suck it up and sniff loudly.
He hands me a tissue and I realize that I
probably look gross I can feel snot and tears both running down my
face. But I really don't care as I blow my
nose
fiercely and tell him that he damn well better come home to me or I'll
come
after him. I can tell he's touched,
impressed and a bit scared by that sentiment.
But I totally mean it. Spike is
mine and the PTB aren't allowed to take him away from me.
I am the Key, after all, and if he doesn't
come back on his own this time, I will so open every doorway that
exists to get
him back.
I'm so preoccupied by my
thoughts of
this that I totally forget to broach the subject of my sister with
Spike. We spend the next hour curled up on
the
couch talking. 'Course I end up falling
asleep in his arms and when he tries to put me to bed later on, I guess
I
refused to let go of him. I discover
this the next morning when I wake up in my clothes from the night
before still
clutching Spike's t-shirt like my life depends on it.
Judging by the fact that my nails have dug little holes in his
shirt, I guess he decided it was easier to pull a sheet over us and lay
down
with me...or maybe he just knew how much I needed him to hold me. Then again, maybe he needed that contact as
much as I did. He's still asleep and I
lay there looking at him for a time just thinking about things. And it occurs to me that I love this man so
much. He's my family and I hate that
he's suffered so much and it doesn't look like it's going to end any
time
soon. And I hate that even more. He deserves some happiness and some
rest. Well, he's resting now, but he
hasn't been truly happy for a long time.
I mean, I know he's pleased with the friendships he's developed
this
past year with Wes, Faith, Angel and his gang... I
know he loves me and our relationship is stronger than it's
ever been. And I know he's really proud
of the business we've built together.
But he's still got that lonely spot romantically speaking. And he deserves to have a woman who will
love him for the good man he is. So I
decide then and there that I'm going to devote my efforts to helping
him out in
that area. I know he still has feelings
for Buffy. Spike isn't the kind of guy
who can turn off his emotions. Once
you're in his heart, you're there to stay.
He still cares for Dru, for Pete's sake and that skank-ho
totally
doesn't deserve for him to care about her anymore.
So, I know he still cares for Buffy. I
just don't know to what degree. And I
don't know how Buffy feels about him. But
if he still wants her and IF she's
changed enough to treat him right and IF there's a way for them to be
together
without him getting hurt again... Well, I
guess I can be a big girl and put aside my anger at Buffy long enough
to help
them work through things. I love Spike
enough to do that. I'm going to have to
talk to Spike about this and feel him out on the topic before I do
anything, of
course. And I'll talk to Faith,
too. She probably has a better handle
on Buffy than any of the rest of us these days. Speaking
of Faith, I wonder what time she and Wesley got home
last night? And with that much more
pleasant thought in mind, I jump out of bed and run downstairs to see
if she's
up yet so I can get the scoop on the Big Date.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
I never got why any woman would pay
good money to see a romantic movie.
Hello, it's fake! Every bit of
it. There are no "nice guys" out there
who will treat you right and love you forever.
Fairy tales are still just that.
The handsome guy doesn't sweep in and rescue you from all your
problems. Life just doesn't work like
that, so why encourage such a foolish dream?
It's just another way to get let down in the end.
Not for me, no thank you. Give me
an action flick with plenty of
violence any day over that bullshit. Or
even a comedy. I like to laugh. But, please, don't ever expect me to see a
movie about 'true love' and 'happy endings' when all I want to do is
toss my
cookies at the very thought of it.
Smart girls know better than to get sucked into the hype. Well, apparently all my brain cells got
sucked out last night by several incredible hours with Wes. Add me to the dreamers, honey!!
Because I suddenly want nothing more than to
go out and rent every soppy chick flick that I've ever passed up. I bet I could watch every last one of them
without snorting or rolling my eyes.
And not a single one would even begin to compare to my evening
with Wesley. And I just let out a breathy
little sigh at
the thought of it. Hell, I didn't know
I could make that noise! How 'bout
that?
I was still a bit unsure of
this whole
'dating' thing when I got dressed last night.
When Wes asked me out originally, it took me a minute or two to
realize
he was actually serious. I mean, guys
never ask me out on a date! They just
want one thing from me, and it doesn't require dinner and a movie to
get
it. Or at least, that's always been my
experience in the past. But Wes was so
sincere about wanting to take me out and treat me like a lady that I
had to say
yes. Then I started to get a little bit
excited about it. Going shopping and
buying a nice dress was surprisingly fun.
And I was totally looking forward to the big night until about a
day and
a half beforehand. Then it suddenly hit
me that this was real, and I began to worry that Wes would come to his
senses
and realize that I wasn't worth all the trouble. And
then I worried that even if he did realize the truth of the
matter that he would be too polite to say anything, so we would end up
going
out and he wouldn't want to be there and I would know it and it would
be
awkward and uncomfortable. And it was
making me sick to my stomach, let me tell you.
I seriously considered either backing out of the date or just
going to
his room the night before and screwing his brains out.
Then he wouldn't feel obligated to pretend
like I was some kind of lady or something.
But I was scared that if I did that then I would ruin what we
have, and
even though it makes me nervous to think about what could go wrong and
how I
could screw it up... No one has ever
treated me as well as Wes has since Spike & Connor and I got back
to this
dimension. And I really didn't want to
give that up! So I screwed up my
courage instead of screwing him, and I acted like this was normal for
me to get
dressed up for a dinner date with a gentleman.
Dawn was helping me with my hair and talking about how beautiful
I
looked when I realized that I was about to burst into tears. I had to grab a tissue before I ruined my
makeup and Dawn looked a bit alarmed until I explained that I had never
been
this happy before and I was scared that it wouldn't last.
And I've never been good with the emotional
stuff and it's kind of a lot to deal with all at once.
She smiled and hugged me and told me that
Wes was 'ga-ga' over me which made us both giggle at her choice of
words. Then she went on to say that Wes
looks at me
the way that Spike used to look at Buffy before all the bad stuff
happened
between them. And although that was a
sobering thought, we both shook it off for after a moment.
Dawn said that Wes looks at me with love in
his eyes. And that was both the most
wonderful and terrifying thought. No
one has ever loved me before. Why would
they? Why would he? I
started to hyperventilate at that and Dawn
jumped in front of my face and made me look right in her eyes as she
proceeded
to tell me that I was worthy of being loved and Wes was worth taking a
chance
with my heart. I took a deep breath and
let it out softly. She was so totally
right about taking a chance on Wes anyway...it'll probably take a lot
more for
me to feel loveable. But I'm getting
better about it. I didn't push away my
new friends, er family, when they invited me to be a part of them. That's a step in the right direction. Going out with Wes is another.
So, I wipe my eyes and we
fix my makeup
and before you can blink it's time to go downstairs.
Wes is waiting for me and I allow myself to look into his eyes
and actually see for a change, and it blows me away.
He is looking at me with his heart in his eyes, and I can't help
myself but to look back at him with my own heart. It
only lasts a moment and then there are cameras and compliments
and laughs. But that moment touched my
soul and totally broke down my last protective barrier.
I had let Spike and Connor in originally,
but as family, ya know. Then came Dawn
and Wes, but still as family. Now Wes
has my heart in his hands as it hits me that I've fallen in love with
this
man. I just hope and pray that he'll be
gentle with my heart, or it might not ever heal if broken this time. The only thing keeping me from falling apart
at this point is that I glimpsed his soul also and I know he's as
scared of
this as I am. That gives me the courage
to grab his arm and walk out the door with him. And
it's more than just going to dinner for me. It's
opening that last closed door. It's
opening the door to my heart. It's
acknowledging that I want to walk
beside him always. I wonder what it
means to him. And then I am shocked to
realize that I've said all this aloud.
I whip my head around to see him staring at me wide-eyed as we
stop
beside the car. He doesn't say anything
for a moment and I'm terrified that I've already messed it up beyond
repair. Then he smiles at me softly and
lowers his lips to mine. I didn't know
that kisses could be like that soft, gentle, tender, loving. That was what got me that single kiss made
me feel loved like nothing else ever has.
Then Wes is pulling back enough to tell me that he feels exactly
the
same way about me. And I can't help the
tears that leak out at that. He pulls
out a handkerchief and wipes the tears away, taking care not to smudge
my
makeup. And I suddenly know that my
heart is safe with this man. That Wes
will cherish me and treat me as someone precious. And
damn if I'm not talking out loud again as I say that his
heart is safe with me also. Why can't I
keep my freaking trap shut? What is wrong
with me that I'm suddenly so weepy and making these romantic
declarations like
I'm in the big love scene in one of those stupid chick flicks I hate so
much. Well, apparently that's exactly
where we were, because before I even realize it, Wes is telling me that
he's
fallen hopelessly in love with me and that if I'll let him, he'll take
care of
me. And even though I've always taken
pride in being self-sufficient, I realize that I want him to take care
of me
and I want to take care of him. I'm
saying the very scary words back to him before I even know that I've
opened my
big mouth again. And I am so startled
by this that I have to take a step back literally, which throws him
off as he
was getting ready to lay a big one on me.
He starts to speak, but I gently lay a finger on his lips to
shush him,
and ask if we really just did that? Did
we just say we loved each other? He
grins and says 'Yep...and on the first date, no less.'
And we both smile and then we're laughing and hugging and I have
never been this happy in my life. And
Wes looks just as thrilled. And then he
gets tender again and tells me he loves me and kisses me so sweetly. I could have stayed there all night in his
arms, but my stomach growls LOUDLY, which kind of kills the mood, but
gets us
both giggling again. He opens the car
door for me and we're off to the best dinner of my life.
So I'm sitting here the next
morning
and fondly recalling how we were that sickeningly sweet couple last
night. You know the one that makes
everyone else
jealous because they are so obviously in love with each other that it
shows in
everything they do and say? That was
us, thank you very much! We had dinner,
we danced, we laughed, we talked, we kissed.
Boy did we kiss! That man made
my knees go weak. No one has ever done
that to me before. And I guess we could
have slept together, but I wanted to enjoy this. I
didn't know that kissing and holding hands could make you feel
so good. I was kind of nervous to bring
it up, because...well...sex, ya know? But
Wes totally got where I was coming from and assured me that although he
totally
wanted to "make love" to me (no one's ever called it that), he wanted
to enjoy
this, too. And that when we do make
love (and it will be making love - how cool is that?) that it will be
that much
sweeter for having waited. I can't
believe that not only does this incredible man love me, but he also
thinks I'm
worth waiting for. I'm the luckiest woman
alive right now, and hey, what's this?
I've drawn little hearts on my toast with the jelly. I totally can't stop smiling.
And then Dawn is thundering down the stairs
and into the kitchen. I swear that girl
makes enough noise to wake the dead.
Hope Spike sleeps through it he's a real bear when he's woken
up
unnecessarily by loud noises. Dawn
takes one look at me and breaks into the biggest smile I've ever seen. She orders me to tell her everything, and I
swear I've been taken over by someone else.
I must be a pod person or something, because I'm giggling and
blushing
and sharing with her. And I don't do
that! I'm not a silly romantic
female. I'm not... Seriously,
Dawn, I'm not! What's that?
All right already. I
give. You're right. I've
become a romantic. I have been transformed
into someone else by
the power of Wes's kiss. And doesn't
that statement crack Dawn up? She is so
happy for me for us and it feels good to know that someone else is
that
excited for my good fortune. So I tell
her about my wonderful date and she's practically squealing in delight,
when she
catches sight of someone behind me and I turn around to see who it is. Wes is standing there smiling at us, and I
get lost in his eyes. Everything else
just falls away. I swear that I forget
to breathe for a minute. God, I am
hopelessly in love with this man. Then
he smiles at me and I'm smiling back, and I remember that I am safe
loving
him. I jump up and run over to kiss him
good morning, and he practically glows from my enthusiastic greeting. 'Course I'm glowing, too.
Then I remember Dawn and sure enough, she's
watching us and practically beaming with happiness for us.
Then Spike comes up behind her and hugs her
close to him and joins in the smile-fest.
And I can't remember ever feeling as complete as I do right this
minute
with the people I love best. I don't
want it to ever end.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
Is that stupid airplane ever
going to
get here? It feels like Buffy and I
have been sitting here waiting forever.
And yet, I can't say that either one of us is completely ready
to greet
them yet. Giles, Xander and Willow are
returning today and I am nervous at best, more than a bit nauseated at
worst. It will be good to see Giles
again. I'm kind of excited to talk to
him actually. He showed so much trust
in me these past few months with the decisions about the Magic Box and
I can't
wait to show him how profitable the online business is already. I want him to know that his confidence in me
was well-founded. And I have to admit
that it will be nice to talk to him again.
He was always such an intelligent man and interesting to talk to
about
most subjects. Unlike the rest of the
Scoobies, he didn't react much at all when I became a Vengeance Demon
again. Just looked a bit surprised and
took it all in stride. Of course,
Willow was trying to kill us all at the time and doing a decent job
of it
so my transition paled a bit in importance.
I'm curious to see how he interacts with me now.
Giles knows that Buffy and I are living
together, but I don't know if he ever told Xander and Willow, or not. It's not like Buffy or I have spoken to
either of them all summer. All
communication was through Giles, so I don't know what's going on with
either
one of them these days...other than what Giles has told us, which is not
that
much. Willow has completed her
rehabilitative training. Her powers are
restricted currently with Giles pulling the strings on how much access
she has
at any given time, but I don't know what her state of mind is. Is she truly sorry for what she's done? Has she come to terms with her own
actions? Has she taken responsibility
for what she did or will she shirk off the guilt like she has so many
times in
the past? I haven't been able to sense
any vengeance vibes from her since she broke down in Xander's arms that
day on
the cliff, so maybe she's really owned up to things this time. Heaven help us all if she hasn't!
Xander...I wonder most what is going on with
him? His last words to me were during
all the chaos, and as usual, they were all about him how he was
feeling
inadequate, worried about Willow, disappointed in me...the usual. He didn't even bother to say goodbye when he
left with Giles and Willow. He only had
eyes for Willow. It strikes me suddenly
that no matter how many times he looked at me in the past, I was never
the only
one he had eyes for...ever. I am suddenly
resolved that the next man I give my heart to will look at me and see
me, only
me, the real me, and love me for who I am not try to change me into
something
else. And I am very pleased to realize
that it doesn't hurt me to think of Xander like it used to. I believe I'm finally over him.
What a relief!
I am thrilled to realize that my
nervousness at seeing Xander again has less to do with my own personal
history
with him and more to do with his possible reaction to the changes while
he's
been away. Did Giles tell Xander or
Willow that the house on Revello Drive was sold? Will
they try to get Buffy to move in with them or will they
accept the current living arrangements?
Buffy and I have already discussed the fact that we're not
changing
things to suit anyone else. And how
will they all react to the presence of Spike, Faith, Dawn and Wes in
town? Will they leave it alone, try to
interfere,
what? I hope they will let things be
for once. I mean, they've been gone for
months now and we've been just fine without them. Will
they see that and respect the status quo or will they try to
force their presence and opinions on everyone again?
I hope for the first, but fear the last will be the case. And I know that the same concerns are going
through Buffy's head tenfold, which is why we got here early today and
have
been holed up in the airport lounge for the past hour drinking martinis. Nothing like a chocolate martini for some
good old liquid courage! Just as I am
congratulating myself on showing restraint and having only two drinks
before
facing the proverbial lion, I happen to look out the door of the lounge
and see
something that has me questioning how strong my drinks actually were. Because I could swear that I just saw Spike
go past. I shake my head and of course
he's gone, but I'm pretty sure he was there, and now I have a dilemma. Do I tell my friend now or wait till after
we see the others? Of course, I'll tell
her. It's just a matter of when. I don't want to upset her when she's already
nervous, but I don't want her to be sideswiped if she sees him herself. I've been trying very hard to make
conscientious decisions in regard to just about everything, but
particularly
where my friend is concerned. I really
hated feeling like my feelings were never taken into consideration in
the past,
so I don't want to treat Buffy the same way.
I'm still debating what to do when I realize that I've been
staring at
the door for a few minutes and Buffy's noticed and is turning around to
stare
over her shoulder and see what's got me so fascinated.
This being the Hellmouth, naturally Spike is
walking back past the door at that exact moment. Only
this time, he's got someone with him...a female someone, and a
very pretty one at that. I see Buffy's
eyes go wide as the rest of her face falls, and then the PA system is
announcing the arrival of the flight we've been waiting on. Shit, here we go, ready or not...I think it's
not!
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
This totally sucks! How come every
time I see Spike lately he's
in the company of a beautiful woman?
What's up with that anyway?
Seriously, what happened to the vamp I knew that was always
alone or
possibly with Clem and his poker buddies?
If there was a woman around, it was my mom or Dawn, not some
random
gorgeous girl. I just got over my
jealousy (okay, I can admit that's what it was) about Faith and Spike
being
close and I'm still working on the insecurity of comparing myself to
Faith. Now there's some other gorgeous
skank-ho to
contend with?!? What the hell? Who is she and why did Spike have his arm
around her waist and why is she here and where did she come from? I want answers and I want them now, and as
usual, I'm not going to get what I want, because I have to go greet a
stupid
plane with my stupid friends on it that deserted me for the whole
stupid
summer. And I really don't want to see
them all that much at the moment anyway.
But Anya and I leave the comfort of the lounge and head over to
baggage
claim to wait for what is possibly going to be the single most awkward
reunion
in history.
I was right. Score one for the
little blond girl. Talk about awkward. Giles
joined us a few minutes ago with Xander and Willow in tow.
Anya and I both hugged Giles and received warm
hugs in return from him. As he turned
toward the beltway to look for their bags, we faced my former school
friends
for the first time in months, and the only way to describe the
situation was
uncomfortable. Willow was clutching
Xander's hand like she might disappear if she let go for a second. Xander looked like he wanted to hug me but
wasn't sure about that and he didn't make a move to do so with Anya
there. And I didn't particularly want to
touch
either one of them, truth be told. I
don't feel very friendly toward them these days. So
much has happened and I've changed so much over the summer,
and it's not like it was and I don't want to go back to that, and I
don't want
to pretend by handing out happy hugs.
So, instead, I just stand there and give a half-wave accompanied
by a
grimace masquerading as a smile. It
doesn't fool anyone and the four of us stand there for a long moment
until Anya
breaks the silence. God bless Anya and
her openness. She starts the ball
rolling by observing that Willow looks thin but sane and not evil at
the
moment, which was a definite improvement over the last time she had
seen
her. Xander looks like he might burst a
vein at this comment, but when I burst out laughing instead, it
startles
everyone. Then I'm agreeing with Anya
that she does look better and commenting that things have changed a lot
and we
all need some time to readjust and get to know each other again and
maybe we
can talk tomorrow after they've rested up from their flight. Xander looks suspicious nothing new there
although he doesn't say anything, which is surprising in and of
itself,
particularly when Anya and I link arms to go get the car and meet them
outside,
but Willow is shaking her head thoughtfully in agreement.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all. Just
because we all grew up and grew apart
doesn't mean we can't meet on some kind of middle ground and form new
bonds. I'd like that, I think. But new bonds reminds me of that woman I saw
Spike with and my thoughts are once again consumed by him as we are
loading up
the trunk and pulling out of the airport.
I'm so distracted by this that I almost miss the question from
Willow
about why we aren't going toward Revello Drive. I
want to groan out loud at having to explain, but instead I
smile and chatter animatedly about the house selling and apartment
hunting/renting experiences Anya and I had while they were gone. One story leads to another and Anya and I
fill the silence with tales from the summer until we are pulling up
outside
Xander's apartment, which he had apparently kept (did not know that!)
and
dropping him and Willow off. The two of
them are still standing on the curb looking gob smacked as we round the
corner
toward our place where Giles will be crashing on our couch the next few
days. We've got some serious catching up
to do and
I'd prefer to do so with him without the other two interfering, so this
was an
easy way to set that up. And that
reminds me that I still don't know if Giles is staying or going or what. We really need to talk.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
I wish I knew the right questions to
get Elke to open up to me. I've been
trying to talk to her since she arrived yesterday, but she speaks
mostly in
riddles and I find it very frustrating.
I suspect that she knows more than she lets on and I'm concerned
about
moving forward with an incomplete picture.
Spike finally told us the whole story about meeting Elke before
and what
the imbrigatt entails and I understand now why he held out on us for so
long. It's a pretty serious thing to
contemplate let alone embark upon for anyone, even Spike.
Dawn is beyond nervous about this, and Faith
is almost as worried. I have quite a
few reservations myself. Which is why I
have insisted upon being privy to as many details as Elke will share
with me
regarding both the imbrigatt and the ritual to determine if it was
indeed Joyce
that visited Spike...was it only weeks ago?
It seems much longer. I can find
no fault with her spell or the ritual preparations, however, so I keep
quiet
and watch as Elke begins to chant. She
has prepared a sacred circle above Joyce's grave and both Spike and
Dawn are
inside this circle Dawn as the conduit and Spike as the key element. Faith and I are here both to observe and to
protect them all, as the ritual itself is actually quite lengthy. We are undisturbed by any evil forces this
night almost as if the creatures that roam the dark know better than
to mess
with us and a few hours later we are on our way back to the rental
house with
mixed feelings. I can see it on the
faces of the others and I know it shows on my own also.
All of us are unsure at this point. The
ritual was very complicated and
involved, not to mention heavy on the emotional side making contact
with
Joyce's spirit. Dawn was overjoyed to
be in her mother's presence again even in the ethereal sense. Spike was equally affected, and while Faith
and I were less connected, we were no less touched by this experience. Now we know that it was indeed Joyce that
appeared to Spike and started us off on this journey, but we still
don't know
why he is being asked to do this. The
only explanation we were given is that this is a journey of faith and
only by
completing the crossing can one understand the reason for making the
trek. I suppose that crossing is as
appropriate a
term as any considering the nature of the imbrigatt, but the choice of
that
particular word bothers me nonetheless.
It calls up images and associations of a one-way trip to me and
none of
us want to consider that Spike may not return from this, but it is a
very real
possibility and we must take this under due consideration.
I for one will not allow us to proceed any
further until after we have talked this out, covered every possible
contingency
and exhausted every resource to aid Spike on this trip.
If he must go alone, then so be it, but not
until we've done everything we can to help him assure his success. Although I'm at a loss to imagine what could
possibly be of use in fully redeeming one's soul by atoning for the
sins of the
past, but surely I can think of something to help him.
All I need is a good night's rest.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
I can't sleep. I have been tossing
and turning half the
night and can't get my eyes to even stay shut, which is why I decided
to head
out for a second patrol at 3a.m. So,
here I am an hour later hitting another cemetery and so wrapped up in
my own
thoughts that I almost run straight into...
What in the world are they all doing out here at this time of
night? And why do they all look so
serious? I'm tempted to call out and
ask, but something about their demeanor screams of the seriousness of
whatever
it is that had them out here to begin with.
Instead I stand in the shadows and watch as first Wes and Faith
walk by
hand-in-hand. And although they both
look tired, they also look very sweet together, and I am happy for them
to have
found each other. Behind them walks the
woman I saw with Spike at the airport.
And although she is walking alone this time, I am no less
intimidated by
her. Definitely not a skank-ho as I had
hoped. She's almost otherworldly in her
beauty and I wonder at the way she carries herself.
She seems to glance my way for a moment and I have the briefest
impression of pale lilac eyes that see right through me, but then the
moment is
gone and she is walking on and I wonder if I imagined it even. Last in their little procession comes Spike
and Dawn and it is their appearance that strikes me the most. They both look equally happy and sad happy
as in a deep joy and peace that I am envious of and sad as in bearing
an
overwhelming weight on their shoulders.
I want to know what is going on, but decide to wait until the
next day
to seek out Faith and get the scoop. I
do, however, follow them home just to make sure they are safe. I know there are several warriors in their
group who can easily hold their own, but I thought they looked tired
and
distracted...and I care that they're okay.
They don't need to know I was here.
It's not about that. I wait
until the last one is in the door and it is closed behind them before I
head
back home. I'm tempted to wake Anya and
talk to her about what I saw, but I know she was tired earlier. Instead, I lay on my bed where once again I
cannot sleep, although now I have even more questions rattling around
in my
head.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
To be or not to be, that is the
question. Pish tosh! The
more accurate question would have been
what or who to be. And that is the
question that all my charges seem to have wrestled with these past few
months
with varying degrees of success. Some I
am extremely proud of like Anya. That
girl has done amazing things in the time I've been gone and even before
I
returned briefly to reign in Willow's power abuses.
She took what was already a successful business and transformed
it into a thriving and extremely profitable venture.
The lack of overhead and exposure via the confounded internet
being two of the key factors, she is nevertheless the responsible party
for our
success. I never would have considered
venturing out into the virtual marketplace on my own.
That would have been a more daunting task to me than learning an
extinct language or fighting a fierce monster.
To my way of thinking, computers are just the most bloody
confusing
contraptions ever invented. I prefer
solid things that I can touch like books, or weapons or spell
ingredients...or
even food. I have just recently
discovered a hitherto latent affinity for cooking.
I have been sautιing up a fierce storm around my flat and
judging
by the pounds that Xander has packed on while staying with me, I assume
that my
efforts were successful. Then again,
that boy has always buried his feelings in food to an extent. Perhaps his eating was equal parts stress
and enjoyment. Hmm. I
will admit to having some serious concerns
about that boy and how he is going to adjust to the changes that have
occurred
this past summer. I worry that he has
not even yet begun to deal with the consequences of his own actions let
alone
those of the others.
Xander spent the entire summer caring
for Willow. And at first I was most
grateful for his help, as Willow was unresponsive for the first couple
of
weeks. His assistance was invaluable in
taking care of an individual that was for all intents and purposes
catatonic. When she began to come
around and respond to stimuli, we began the arduous task of her
rehabilitation. Willow and I spent
countless
hours in commune, with the spirits of the earth and sky, with the
elements of
this planet, searching for peace and understanding and the way forward. Along that path, Willow began to address her
own issues of power abuse, need for control and insecurity. Although she was beginning to take steps
toward forgiveness and healing, I fear that Xander headed in the
opposite
direction. He refused to join us in
these meditation sessions, only spending time with Willow or sitting in
front
of the TV or off on his own alone. I
have no idea what he did during his time alone. He
barely talked to me.
He barely talked to Willow, to be honest. And
although Willow is still a very fragile creature at this
point, at least I know where she stands.
Xander, on the other hand, is a mystery to me.
He is a contradiction at best Willow's rock but one that I
fear
has a proclivity to either fall apart or explode. I
know a thing or two about not dealing with your issues and how
they can come out of no where to smack you in the face when you least
expect
it. And if Xander did not deal with
things over the summer while we were gone, how is he going to react to
all the
things that he and Willow have yet to learn about?
I had some very enlightening talks
yesterday with both Anya and Buffy and learned a great deal more about
the
changes each of them has gone through these past months.
I am proud of my Slayer, my surrogate
daughter. She has begun to grow up and
mature into a real woman who has the courage to stand on her own rather
than
depend on others for her own validation.
As important as a circle of support can be, it can also drag you
down if
you allow codependent relationships to develop. Unfortunately,
I believe that the friendships between Xander,
Willow and Buffy were codependent to quite a large degree.
However, this was an evolution that likely
could have been avoided at multiple points in time if key issues had
been
addressed in a timely fashion. When
that didn't happen however, splinters fragmented to such an extent that
I don't
know how or if they can ever fully recover the trust that has been
shattered
between them all. They each have
questions that need to be asked and answered, issues that need to be
addressed,
faults that need to be recognized and accepted or changed as the case
may
be. They also have to accept each other
and the changes that have taken place and I don't know how easily that
will
occur. Change is not easy in the best
of situations. When thrust upon one, it
is often resisted with ferocity that can astound. Xander
is a prime example of this. I fear he will
have the hardest time accepting the changes. Willow,
I think, will handle things better,
but I am not sure whether it is better to spoon-feed her the truth or
lay it
all on her at once. I fear that
limiting her knowledge will backfire. I
have no doubts but that Xander's initial reaction will be negative, but
that is
to be expected. Willow will take it all
in stride, I hope, but I do not wish to overwhelm her.
Which is why I am on my way to my current
destination at this very moment.
Among other revelations last night,
one of the things I learned was the rather sketchy details regarding
Dawn,
Spike, Faith & Wesley or at least as much as Anya and Buffy could
tell
me. I don't know which one of those
four has surprised me more. I did not
realize that Dawn had run away initially no one rang me in England to
tell me
this. So, I was not prepared for her
absence when I returned in the spring.
At that time, Buffy had assured me that it was under control. There is a strong part of me that feels I
should have pursued that issue more back then.
As it is, I did not, and have only now learned the full truth of
the
matter. Thank God that Wesley was there
for Dawn. I shudder to think of a
sixteen-year old girl on the streets of Los Angeles on her own. But I must admit to a grudging admiration
for Dawn's resourcefulness, and by all accounts, she seems to be
well-adjusted
on all fronts now, but I should like to ascertain this for myself. Then there is Wesley, whom I have not seen
since that farce of a high school graduation.
At that time, I would have deemed him one of the least likely
people to
ever develop any backbone, let alone become a force to be reckoned with. I am intrigued by the apparent changes in
him and feel the need to speak with him myself. I
greatly wish to speak with Faith, also...not to see if she's evil
or anything. I was regaled by Buffy
with tales of the new and improved Faith to the point where I believe
that Joan
of Arc would pale in comparison to the former rogue slayer. Rather, I should like a chance to apologize
for my part in letting her go down the road she originally followed. I believe that, too, could have been averted
with the proper intervention at the right time. I
failed her to an extent, and would like the chance to make it
up to her. Lastly, but apparently not
least at all, there is Spike. If even
half of what I heard about him is true, then there is surely an
incredible tale
to be told. Of course, there were also
the rumors I heard in London that seemed too wild to even consider a
few months
ago, but now I must indeed consider them.
Is it really possible that William the Bloody voluntarily sought
the
restoration of his soul and succeeded? I
did not share this with the girls as they both seemed ignorant of this
possibility, but the things they told me all point towards this being
true. So, I'm here at the door of their
rental house with my hand poised to knock, hoping to unravel at least
one of
the mysteries before me, when the door opens and I'm presented with a
much
stranger situation than I had expected.
What in the world could possibly convince a grown man to don a
shirt in
that particular shade of pink?
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
You know those moments in time when
you seriously wish for just a moment that the ground would open up and
swallow
you whole? Well, this is most
definitely one of those times. I'm
standing here in front of Rupert Giles, a man who has never seen me at
my best,
and whose respect I would absolutely wish to possess.
And I'm wearing a soft pink oxford shirt and looking like a
complete
and total namby-pamby. I swear that my
heart is in my throat and I want to disappear.
I'm that mortified. Rupert opens
his mouth to speak as do I, but nothing comes out for either of us. We both shake our heads and try again with
the same result. Finally I manage a
weak smile and comment that only a shirt this hideous could render a
Watcher
speechless. He bursts out laughing in
agreement and is soon pumping my hand in greeting.
As I invite him in, I regret again the impulse that had me
letting
Dawn try out some 'new colors' in my wardrobe.
I had just put on the awful thing when the doorbell rang. I wish that I had allowed someone else to
answer it, but as I walk back in the living room with Giles in tow, we
are
assaulted by the sight of Spike looking decidedly miserable in a pale
green
shirt. I am suddenly relieved that I
stepped out when I did. Giles wry
question about the current state of affairs wrenched a very unmanly
yelp from
Spike, who exchanged glances with me.
In tandem we whipped off the horrendous style abominations and
threw
them at Dawn. She was laughing too hard
to do more than stand there and allow herself to be draped in pastels
as the
rest of the shirts in both bags turned out to be similarly hideous. I'm still not certain if she bought these
outfits as a joke or what, but rest assured that Spike and I are in
agreement
that this will not do at all. As I pull
my gray t-shirt back over my head, Spike expresses the need for some
serious
ale and asks Rupert if he'd like to join us for a pint.
The three of us head toward the kitchen,
leaving a very amused Faith to rescue Dawn from the mountain of clothes.
If I was surprised to see Rupert,
Spike does not seem to be at all. Odd,
that. Hmm. Before
I can wonder any more about that, Rupert is extending his
hand toward Spike who seems very surprised by the gesture, but takes
the
preferred hand, although a tad warily.
Or perhaps it's wearily at this point with all that has happened
lately. Regardless, they exchange
greetings and then
Rupert is turning back toward me and apologizing for not greeting me
properly
when I first answered the door, but the state of my apparel had him too
appalled to speak initially. That is
reminder enough of those awful clothes and the three of us shudder in
manly
unity at women's ideas of fashion.
Conversation is stilted at first, but Rupert quickly comes to
the point
of his visit. I am watching Spike for
some kind of reaction as we are told about Xander and Willow returning,
as well
as his talks with Anya and Buffy, but Spike shows no visible
reaction...that is
until Rupert mentions his soul. I can't
say which of us was more surprised that he knew about it.
We haven't told anyone in Sunnydale outside
of our little group about this and I rather think Spike would prefer it
to stay
that way. Rupert explains about the
rumors he heard in England and how he had doubted their veracity at
first until
he returned here and was inundated with tales from Buffy and Anya. Although Spike perks up a bit to hear that
Buffy has been talking about him, only someone who knew him well could
tell
that he was affected by what he was hearing.
However, he didn't comment on it, so I took my cues from him. I waited several moments with bated breath
before Spike seemed to relent and confirmed what had already been
guessed. Even though he suspected as much,
Rupert was
clearly gob smacked to have the reality of Spike's soul verified. He attempted to speak several times before
actually succeeding and then, to everyone's surprise, it was not to ask
how or
why, but instead words of admiration for what it must have taken to
accomplish
such a feat. It was that open respect,
I think, that took down the remaining barriers and allowed Spike to
relax and
speak openly with Rupert.
We sat there throughout the afternoon
talking and catching up. Rupert was
suitably impressed by the business we've carved out for ourselves. He was surprised to learn about Darla and
Connor and everything that story entailed.
The three of us had worked ourselves through a full case of
Guinness and
were set to start another before Faith and Dawn stuck their heads in to
check
on us. That interruption prompted the
need for a meal and before we knew it, fajitas were in the works and
everyone
was pitching in...except for Rupert, who asked to speak with Dawn and
Faith each
privately. I'm not sure exactly what
was said there, but all three parties were much more at ease afterward,
although I know that Dawn was sniffling and Faith rubbed at 'something
in her
eye' before they set the table and fixed drinks. It
was during a loud and boisterous dinner that Elke finally
emerged from Spike's bedroom where she had been sleeping since the
ceremony
last night. Rupert stood up when she
entered, or rather he tried to anyway like a gentleman, but promptly
fell on
his ass like a drunkard instead. Amidst
the laughter that followed, introductions were made and Elke expressed
an
interest in speaking with Rupert when his facilities were more intact. Bless the bugger, but he blushed at
that. I haven't seen Spike laugh so
hard in some time. We ended up staying
up talking and laughing until well into the night.
The girls all deserted us before it got too late and it was just
three Englishmen sharing opinions on footie and ale and the queen. I haven't had so grand a night in some
time. I don't recall what time it was
when we finally stumbled inside to get some sleep, but I'm relatively
certain
that it was not long before the sun came up.
I swear that I only had my eyes closed for a second when Faith
was
shaking me awake with promises of a greasy breakfast.
And over the sound of my groans at the thought of food, I hear
her laughter and decide that it is possibly the sweetest sound I have
ever
heard.
With a throbbing head and a
roiling
stomach, I eventually manage to drag myself downstairs where Rupert
looks even
worse than I feel. He is gratefully
accepting a cup of coffee from Faith and asking if he had the presence
of mind
to call Buffy and Anya and let them know not to be worried the night
before. Faith is smiling when she
informs him that he didn't have the presence of mind to do much more
than laugh
drunkenly the night before, but that she had made the call. I send a grateful look her way and am
rewarded by a soft smile that leaves me glowing. Rupert
has noticed our byplay and is apparently reminded that
Faith and I are now a couple, as he learned over many a toast with the
pint
last night. I believe my exact words
after his toast 'to an undefeated seasons for Man U' were 'to the love
of a
fine woman, like my Faith.' At which
point, Rupert spit ale all over himself and stared at me in complete
befuddlement for several seconds, before collecting himself and sitting
up
straight to clank pints with me again to the chorus of a round of
hearty
'ayes.' At some point later on in the
night, our conversation had become a bit more mellow and we ended up
talking
about the loves of our lives. I talked
briefly about unrequited love with Fred and then finding Faith who
appreciates
me and makes me feel like a man.
Spike's gloomy rejoinder was that none of the three women he had
loved
had ever made him feel like a man more like they had tried to make
him feel
less than a man. Rupert then bemoaned
his lost love as he shared with us about Jenny whom Spike agreed had
been 'a
right feisty bird that was snuffed by Angelus before her time' and then
the
reminder of Angelus called up dour thoughts for all of us.
It was a dark moment that was put in perspective
when Spike told the story of the way Rupert had stormed into the
factory and
nearly taken Angelus out with a baseball bat and fire.
That started a hilarious discussion of the
many ways one could kill Angelus. Spike
won most original when he suggested substituting his hair gel with
something
that would cause his hair to fall out, which would promptly result in
the vain
poof offing himself in embarrassment.
My personal favorite was Rupert's suggestion that Angel be
sentenced to
an eternity of auditioning for plays.
We all paused imagining him trying to use one of his two
perpetual
expressions in an acting audition and promptly burst out laughing
hysterically. This was further
compounded when Rupert affected a serious look and said that he might
actually
win the audition...if the job was to sell hemorrhoid cream.
That did it for us and we all dissolved into
very unmanly giggles. And although I
know that Spike has come to terms with Angel and they are doing well
these
days, I did so appreciate the laughs at the wanker's expense.
Anyway, it is just Rupert and Faith
and I at the moment. Faith reveals that
Dawn is on the phone with an old friend of hers from school making
plans for a
trip to the mall. I simply must insist
that she use this opportunity to return those hideous shirts she
purchased for
Spike and I. This sentiment prompts a
snort from Rupert and a Cheshire grin of unholy proportion from my
darling
girl. Faith leaves us to talk to Dawn
and offer to drive her to the mall.
Rupert and I share a look of solidarity and lapse into a rather
comfortable silence. After a bit,
Rupert brings up the question of exactly what is the big secret reason
that
we're all here in Sunnydale anyway? I
take a leap of faith and decide to lay it all on the line here,
trusting Rupert
to keep confidence for us. He is as
blown away by it all as we are and is totally amazed that Spike is
expected to
undergo such a test of a man that would daunt even the bravest and
cleanest of
us, but to be carried out by a vampire is quite simply put,
mind-blowing. It is only after hearing all
this that
Rupert decides to remain and wait for Elke rather than returning later
in the
day to speak with her. It is some time
later before Elke emerges from the bedroom she has shared with Spike
since her
arrival a few days ago. Rupert raises
an eyebrow when he realizes where she was sleeping, but I have no
answers for
that. I have not questioned Spike on
this arrangement, nor do I intend to do so.
After what was apparently an intense conversation, Rupert
rejoins me in
the living room and we sit in silence for a few minutes before he turns
to me
and says that if we are going to go through with this, then he wants to
help in
any way he can. I tell him that I
really don't know yet when this is to occur or what part any of us will
play in
it, but that if he could help me brainstorm on ways to assist Spike in
his
trials...I would be most appreciative. He
solemnly agrees to do what he can and then takes his leave of us. I remain sitting for some time after he
leaves wondering what the future holds for us.
There are still so many unknowns here, and I don't do very well
with the
unknown. I'm growing more and more
uncomfortable until Faith joins me on the couch. As
she snuggles up against my side and my arm wraps around her
shoulders, I am reminded that some unknowns turn out very well indeed
once the
risks are taken, and my confidence that we will all come out of this
okay is
buoyed by her presence.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
It's almost time for this bloody
imbrigatt to begin... Hmm.
Maybe 'bloody' isn't a very good choice of
words for this. Certainly hope it won't
be too bloody. Plan to do my best to
survive this and not bugger things up.
Been spendin' as much time as possible preparin' for this, but a
couple
of weeks isn't very long at all. Not
that there's bugger-all to do really to get ready for this. After all, it's m' past we're talking about
here. I'm the one who has to face all
of his ghosts quite literally in this case.
Not exactly lookin' forward to it, to be honest.
After all, 've got over a hundred years
worth of crimes to atone for and who knows how many victims there were
over the
years? The thought of facin' each one
of them on the ethereal plane isn't exactly appealin' to me. But sod all else, 'm gonna do it for no
other reason than that Joyce Summers asked me to. I
know it bothers the others particularly Wes that we don't
have a more concrete reason than 'it's a journey of faith' but that's
okay. I've done dumb things before and
not always had good reasons for doin' so.
Without a doubt, best thing I ever did was get my soul because
of my
love for Dawn, so I could be a good example to her.
I don't regret that, even when it felt like it might scratch a
hole inside m' head, 'cause I did it for the right reason and it feels
good to
have earned it on m' own. Now I'm
expected to cross over and atone for my sins.
Supposedly this process will give me a clean slate and redeem my
soul
for all the sins I've committed. Not
exactly sure how that works though.
What are the PTB goin' to do when I'm done, wipe my memory clean? What good would that do? Then
I wouldn' remember what I'd bloody well
learned along the way, which kind of defeats the purpose to begin with,
don'
it? The whole bloody thing gives me a
headache whenever I try to think it through, so I've stopped tryin' to
analyze
it. I've spent most of the time makin'
good memories with Bit and the others.
Wes 'n Rupert have had me doin' meditation exercises to 'center'
m'self. They seem to think that might
be the only weapon they can offer me goin' in to this.
Which made me snort originally, because how
in bloody hell is that a weapon? Wes
explained that it would help me to regroup in betwixt encounters, and
that made
a bit of sense, so 've been workin' on it.
But I have trouble findin' any peace at that rental house we're
in, so
've been comin' out here to Joyce's grave each night instead and that's
helped
me in more ways 'n one. I didn't know a
grave could be such a peaceful place 'till I visited Joyce's headstone. I think and I practice centerin' m'self and
I talk to Joyce. Bugger, but I miss
that woman. Such a fine person. And I like to think she's proud of what I'm
doin' here...pretty sure of it actually...although she would likely tell me
to talk
to the Slayer before I do this. That's
the one loose end that's not tied up yet.
If I don' make it back, that's the one person I'm not at peace
with...and
although I'd like to try to fix things before I do this...
Well, it's jus' a bit much to handle, ya
know? I don't think I can do that on
top of everythin' else. Bein' around
the Slayer would just fuck with m' head and I don' need that right now. So, I sit here and talk quietly to Joyce
instead and try not to think about her eldest daughter and how much I
wish
things could be different there. No use
cryin' over spilt milk as the sayin' goes.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
If she paces around the room one more
time, I swear I'm gonna scream! That
girl is about to wear a hole in the carpet and it's really not
necessary. I love my roommate, but she's
going about
things all wrong. She's been driving
herself crazy for the past couple of weeks now trying to figure out
what's
going on without coming right out and asking.
And with the limited facts we have, nothing adds up to enough to
satisfy
Buffy. Giles has made daily trips over
to visit with Wesley and, I assume, the others, but has yet to tell us
why he's
spending so much time over there. When
questioned, Faith was hesitant to reveal any details of why they're in
town,
saying that it really wasn't her story to tell and giving the
impression that
Buffy would have to ask either Spike or Dawn for the whole story. Right, like that's going to happen any time
soon! Buffy has made a lot of progress
these past few months, but I don't know when she's going to be up for
that. I was so proud of the way she
took the initiative with Xander and Willow of telling them up front how
happy
she is with her new living arrangements.
The old Buffy would have dreaded them asking and avoided the
question
for as long as possible only to try to sidestep the issue when it was
brought
up. The new and improved Buffy as I
teasingly refer to her put the issue out there in no uncertain terms
from the
get-go. And how cool was it that she
did that? Pretty darn cool in my
book. She didn't bring up the whole
Spike & Gang presence with Xander and Willow which I totally get
but
she was surprisingly direct with Giles on that subject.
And I don't know what surprised me more
how honest Buffy was with him or how well he took things.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like my friend
shared any revelations from the heart about her suppressed love for our
bleached friend she hasn't even acknowledged that one to herself yet
but
she has realized how important both Spike and Dawn are to her and how
much she
wants to make things right between them.
Taking the steps to do so is another matter altogether though. And speaking of steps, I'm going to get that
girl a pedometer so she can see I'm not lying about how much pacing she
does
these days. Sigh. There
are times when people come to
important realizations on their own and there are times when you have
to slap
them in the face with the truth. I
believe tonight might be the right time for some serious truth hitting
home. Only one way to find out, but I'd
better pour some wine first. Only way
I'm going to get that girl to stop making me dizzy with the movement is
by
putting a drink in her hand.
************************************************************************************************
Sunnydale, CA
Okay, I guess it's time to admit that
Anya's right. I sort of acknowledged
that the other night when she talked to me...well, not agreed, so much as
I
didn't deny what she was saying. She
told me that if I want to know what's going on with Spike and Dawn and
them,
then I'm going to have to gather my nerve and go talk to them. She pointed out that Giles talked to them
and he's apparently all in the know now.
And it's not like he was ever that close to Spike or Dawn, or
Wes or
Faith either for that matter. So it's
not like their little group is opposed to sharing information with
others. I'm just afraid they won't want to
share
with ME. And Anya offered to come with
me to talk to them, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me would love to have her by my
side. She's a super-supportive friend
and I am grateful to have her in my corner.
But part of me feels like if I can just make the effort to reach
out to
either Spike or Dawn or both on my own...well, maybe they'll take me
more
seriously and see that I sincerely want to try to make things right. And maybe I can never totally do that, but
maybe we could begin to heal and find some new common ground. I know neither one of them wants to go back
to the relationships we had before.
But, to be honest, neither do I.
Honestly, I don't. I've
discovered that I didn't particularly care for the person I was in the
past...even before I died and was brought back.
However, I'm really starting to like the person I'm becoming
more and
more. And I think they might like that
person, too...or at least be able to tolerate being in the same room with
her! I don't guess I'll ever know
unless I take a chance, but how do I get to the place where I have the
courage
to try.
I've been walking around pseudo
patrolling, anyway for the past couple of hours now, just thinking
about
things. I kicked a rock and looked up
when I heard it hit something a moment ago.
I was surprised to see it was my headstone, which stops me in my
tracks. For the longest time I just
stare at the stupid thing. 'She saved
the world a lot.' What exactly does
that mean to me? I know as the Slayer I
saved the world literally. And I know
that I saved lots of people...not all of them...
I never save all of them, but I'm doing better with accepting
that. Anya has made me memorize the
Serenity
Prayer and it has become my own personal mantra. I'm
looking at the numbers on my headstone and I'm reminded of
something I heard once about how it's not the dates that matter when
you're
born or die but what's in-between and that's represented by a dash. The person I heard that from was using it as
a way of saying that life shouldn't be a 'mad dash' but instead we
should slow
down and enjoy our lives. But I'm
suddenly thinking of what all happened in my life that's represented by
that
little horizontal line carved in stone.
So much heartache. So many
mistakes. So many regrets.
And I'm suddenly angry that I've accepted
all this...until now. With what can only
be described as a snarl, I rear back and let my foot fly repeatedly
until that
stupid headstone is lying there in pieces on the ground.
How exhilarating. I should have
done this months ago. I feel free and I
make up my mind right there that I don't want
to look back at the end of my life (whenever that should happen to be
AGAIN)
and have so many regrets. I want to
feel good about how I lived my life and about the chances and risks I
took. I raise my head to look at the
sky, blow my mom a kiss (I know she's up there somewhere watching me),
and take
off running no, dashing toward the rental house where Spike &
Dawn are
staying. I've got some things to say
that are long overdue.
When I get there though, the wind is
literally taken out of my sails. I'm
knocking on the door and no one answers at first, so I eventually crack
it open
and call out. No one answers right
away, but then Faith pokes her head down the stairs.
I'm not sure she's going to invite me in. She
keeps glancing back up the stairs and
then at me. I guess she comes to a
decision, because she calls back over her shoulder that 'she'll be
right back'
and comes downstairs to see me. I
smile, but it quickly fades at the serious expression on her face. I'm not used to Faith looking this solemn
and it makes me nervous. We go into the
living room and she tells me exactly what's going on.
I'm totally blown away. I
can't believe that my mom would ask Spike to do something like this. I can totally believe that he'd do it if she
asked him to, but why would she ask that of him? Faith
can't answer that.
None of them really know why this is happening.
I want to scream at the unfairness, but then
she tells me that the ritual has already started, and I'm left
speechless
instead. How could no one tell me that
this was happening? I want to cry, but
instead I swallow my hurt and ask where he is and if I can see him. Faith nods and leads me quietly upstairs to
what I guess is Spike's room. The
pretty woman from the airport is there...Elke is her name, I think that's
what
Faith said anyway...and she's obviously running the show.
Spike is lying on a mat and he appears to be
sleeping...that is if you ignore the fact that he's suspended in the air
about
three feet off the ground and there's a light purple glow surrounding
him. Dawn is there, but although she looks
surprised to see me, she doesn't seem hostile or anything.
Heck, she even gives me a neutral expression
and a kind-of wave. That's progress as
far as I'm concerned, and it gives me hope.
I stare at Spike for several long seconds before asking aloud
what I can
do to help.
How disappointing that there's nothing
I can do. I've been informed that all
we can do is wait at this point. Elke
is monitoring Spike's progress and will let us know if anything
changes, but so
far all I've gathered is that he's on the spiritual plane.
That I get and I'm not worried about. It's
the facing each and every one of his
past victims part that makes me go ouch.
I'm not the only one concerned about him. Besides
Dawn, Wes and Faith, Giles was there earlier, but he
stepped out to go buy some coffee and sodas.
Apparently caffeine is in order.
Well, sign me up, I don't feel like sleeping much at all. No one's really talking just a few
whispered questions here and there.
I've been standing off to the side by myself for almost an hour
now and
I feel very much alone when the most surprising thing happens. Dawn gets up to stretch and go to the
bathroom, and when she walks by me she stops.
She doesn't look directly at me, and she speaks so softly that I
can
barely hear her, but she definitely says 'that it's good that I'm here
for
him.' I want to laugh and cry at the
same time. I can't believe how happy
that small acknowledgement from my sister just made me.
I go out in the hall and wait for her to
come out of the bathroom. When she
does, we both just stand there for a moment, and then I tell her that
I'd
really like to talk to her if she'll let me.
She hesitates for just a moment and then nods, but asks if it
can wait
till after we know about Spike. Well,
of course it can. If she's willing to
talk to me, then I'll wait for as long as she needs just to get a
chance to
apologize and make peace with her. Now
if Spike will just give me the same opportunity, I might be able to
start over
with both of them. Even though I'm very
worried about him, I haven't felt this hopeful in some time.
It's been several hours now with no
visible changes. Elke won't tell us
much except that he's still hanging in there.
She keeps saying that his trials are very personal and should
not be
revealed to anyone unless he chooses to do so when he returns. I don't understand exactly what's going on
over where ever he is. I wish I did,
but no one else seems to know the exact details either.
I'm guessing it can't be any worse than what
I'm picturing in my head. I hope, for
Spike's sake, that it's not anyway. In
the meantime, we've all settled into a pattern of waiting. We can go into the room, but we can't go
beyond a certain point, which is helpfully marked with a circle of
bright white
sand. Giles returned some time ago and
seemed pleased to see me here. And Wes
told me I could call Anya if I wanted, which I gladly took him up on
two
seconds later. So, my friend and I are
sitting here quietly with a group of people except for Elke that I
have a
long and varied history with...not all of it good. But
I'm beginning to realize that not all of it's bad either, and
just maybe it can be much better in the future. Even
with the cloud of uncertainty over my head, I still feel
more positive about what comes next than I have in way too long. I should have known better than to allow
myself to dream. This near to the
Hellmouth, all dreams are tainted...more like nightmares really.
A few hours later something
finally
changes. None of us realize the source
at first. The house is shaking, the
ground is vibrating and it's incredibly noisy.
Earthquake, right? Wrong! Dawn is the only one in the room with Spike
and Elke at the time, so we don't know anything's wrong until she runs
out in
the hall screaming. My heart is in my
throat and I leap up the stairs three at a time. Faith
and I get there first and we race into the room and slam
into Dawn's back where she's literally frozen in place.
I hear the others run up behind us, but I
don't see them. I don't have eyes for
anything except the sight in front of me.
Spike is no longer calmly levitating on the mat.
He's swirling around, getting faster and
faster, and the peaceful lilac light from earlier has mutated into a
sickly
orange glow that scares me. I can tell
by her expression that Elke is concerned, but it's the fact that she
doesn't
seem overly alarmed that keeps me from totally freaking out. The noise is still building and Spike is
spinning faster and faster, and I'm still wondering if that's a good
thing or
not, when all of a sudden the light turns an electric blue and there is
a
blinding flash and a loud boom, almost like a clap of thunder, followed
by
silence. Just before I lose my vision,
I get a glimpse of Elke's face. She
looks startled and that scares me, but then I can't see at all and I'm
afraid
to move in case I accidentally cross over the border of sand and mess
something
up. I guess everyone else has the same
idea, because no one is moving much. As
my sight begins to come back and the room comes into focus gradually, I
am
aware of the others around me. I'm
holding Faith's arm with my right hand and my left hand is clutching
Dawn's
shoulder and I'm not sure when that happened.
Spike isn't in the air anymore.
The mat is on the ground, but Elke is bent over the prone form
on the
floor and I can't see what's happening and I'm beyond nervous. I can hear Elke muttering to herself and
although I don't catch all the words, I'm still getting the impression
that
she's very surprised by something. Then
she sits back and I can see what has her so off-balance.
For there on the mat where Spike was lying a
few minutes ago is none other than my mother, Joyce Summers. I can hear gasps and cries from everyone
around me, but it is Dawn that holds my attention.
I force myself to focus for a moment and whisper to her not to
cross the sand until Elke says it's okay.
As soon as she gives us the nod, Dawn and I both leap across the
room. Then we are hugging our very real
and solid mother
who is crying and laughing with us.
Although I'm awed and overjoyed to see my mother and I have to
keep
touching her for fear she'll disappear, I can't help but focus on
wondering
where Spike is. Dawn and I have mom in
the middle of a sister sandwich hug when our eyes meet.
I know that if we've ever agreed on
anything, it's right now. What happened
to Spike?
************************************************************************************************