Dead Man's Chest part 1, by dutchbuffy2305

Riley pulled up in front of an extremely ordinary suburban house, complete with the usual abundance of Christmas lights. The driveway and a path to the front door were neatly shoveled. Cleveland sure had lots of snow.

"You sure this is it?" 

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Of course I'm  sure. I've been here like ten times before!"

"It looks so ordinary, is all," Riley protested weakly.

"And 1630 Revello Drive didn't?"

Riley got out of the car and hastened around to open Dawn's door. Not much managed to shut a Summers woman up, but chivalry had a pretty good chance.

She smiled up at him from the depths of her fur-lined hood and his heart melted. She was so pretty. They hadn't been able to see each other as much as he would have liked with his postings all over the world, but they'd texted and IM-ed whenever possible. She'd been a great support to him during his stint in Gitmo.

They'd been supposed to go and stay with his parents in Iowa, but Dawn had persuaded him they really needed to come to Spike and Buffy's aid. Apparently, Gurnenthar's ascension was the crisis du jour and they needed someone to help them. Dawn had been adamant in the face of his protests. He'd packed his emergency demon kit and actually felt kind of honored to be included again in team Buffy.

He got out their bags and the emergency kit and followed Dawn up the driveway-one, because he was a guest, and two, because it gave him a great opportunity to ogle her ass.

Halfway up the path a young man stormed out of the house and almost bowled him over.

"Riley!" an excited voice said and he was grabbed in a bear hug, bags and all.

He looked down into a freckled, very young man's face and an astonishing flaming red head of curls. "If I'd known you were coming I wouldn't have bailed! I'll be back! Wait for me!"

He bounded down the driveway and took off on foot down the avenue.

"Who was that?" Riley said.

"Theo," Dawn said. "I told you about him, didn't I? The time-traveling one."

Riley took a deep breath of freezing cold Cleveland air. "That can't be Theodore. Theodore is nine months old. Is there another Theo I should know about?"

Dawn rang the bell and looked over her shoulder, frowning. "I'm sure I told you about Theo. Like I said, he has time displacement issues. That was him at, I guess, early twenties?"

Riley's head reeled. When the door opened, he  walked blindly after Dawn and stumbled into Buffy's arms. She kept him easily upright and gave him a distracted smile.

"Dawn, was that Theo walking away just now? I asked him to give you two a hand. Looking after triplets is not nothing for two inexperienced people."

She had one of the triplets on her arm, a sturdy little kid with a face like a schnauzer and a head full of translucent red fuzz. Quite the ugliest little baby he'd ever seen.

"I guess you met Theo already, Riley? This is what he looks like now. When he's here, that is."

The baby disappeared and Buffy shook out her left arm. "Getting heavy. Come on in. Glad you got here on time; the weather report said heavy snow."

Buffy looked great; her hair golden as ever, a high color in her cheeks and very, um, buxom, a lot more so than he was used to.

She winked at him. "It's the breastfeeding. Put down your bags and let me give you a quick introduction to the other kids."

Riley was mortified. He'd been caught staring at his potential future sister-in-law's bosom and that was wrong on so many levels, even more so because she was also his ex-girlfriend. Dawn squeezed his elbows. "Don't pay attention to Buffy. She's been like this since the kids were born. Manic, I mean. It must be hell."

Yes, that was what the living room looked like. Hell. Kids' toys were strewn everywhere, babies screeched, two little boys with red hair were jumping on the couch, the TV was on and a skinny teenager was lying on the floor with a computer game blaring in his hands. It couldn't have a hologram dancing above it, could it? He wasn't that far out of the loop.

This was worse than quashing a demon insurrection. At least you knew what to shoot at. Riley had the sinking feeling that shooting was not going to be an option with these little demons. He looked around. He counted at least seven boys with red hair at various ages. Oh boy. This was not going to be a relaxed Christmas.

"Theos!" Buffy said sternly. "It's not Christmas yet. You should all go back home and you can come back tomorrow, on Christmas Eve. You have to scoot now and give Riley and Dawn some peace."

"Riley! Riley, Riley!"

Excited squeals from the redheaded boys. The smallest of the mobile ones rammed his moist red-cheeked face in Riley's thigh and looked up to him ecstatically. "Uncle Wiley! Wiley!"

One of the others punched his arm and a third tried to tickle him but wasn't quite tall enough. Riley got the sinking feeling he must be really popular with his nephew-to-be Theo. And that apparently he was around a lot.

He checked out Dawn's face. What did she think of all this?

She was blushing hotly. "Sorry Riley. I don't mean to put you on the spot or anything."

He blushed too when he realized what it implied about their future relationship.

Buffy bit her lip and looked politely away. "Now scoot, Theos! Riley is very busy tonight with baby Theo."

One by one the Theos disappeared, leaving their chaos behind. Silence. Wow. Riley supposed he'd better savor this moment; it would have to last him for quite some time. Behind the gigantic Christmas tree, he discovered a playpen with two other, less mobile, babies in it.

One of them was a golden-haired fat baby in pink, the other a nondescript kid in blue. Ezekiel and Gioia, he assumed.

"Sorry to hustle you like this, Riley," Buffy said, shrugging herself into her coat. "Spike and I have to hurry. Spike!"

Riley heard feet rapidly descending the stairs and Spike entered the room, looking as harried as Riley felt. He was carrying one of the ubiquitous red-haired boys, this time one that seemed only a little older than the babies in the pen.

"Oi, Buffy. Just changed him. Is it my imagination or did I do that about twenty times today?"

"He just loves it when you change him, you know that. They're all very excited and they're too young to be exact about Christmas."

Spike sighed and deposited the baby in the playpen, where he immediately started banging his sister on the head with a purple dinosaur.

"Dawn, could you?" Buffy asked, and Dawn picked up the little monster with apparent relish.

"Riley. Possibly ''Riley. Good of you to come, mate. We're up to our ears. Gotta rush off, but one thing — tell all the Theos, they have to stay home tonight . They're not to come chasing after us or I'll wring their little necks. Don't want them hanging onto my legs  in the middle of a fight. Home is the only place they're allowed to jump to."

Riley nodded, struck dumb.

"Ta, mate. Let's go, love. Night's not getting any longer and that Gurnenthar needs your axe in his neck."

And on that cheery note, they left. Quicker than he could react with: "Wait, I don't know what to do with your kids. I've never even looked after normal kids before. Heeeeelp!"

#

Spike hooked his arm firmly into Buffy's and practically dragged her to the car. "Let the fun begin," he said in her ear.

There was a tangle of almost-giggles and I'm-leaving-my-darlings-last-minute misgivings, but he ignored those and drove off in a fountain of snow. There. They deserved this. Gurnenthar's ascendance, which they'd had to skip last year due to getting married and being pregnant with triplets – although they hadn't known that at the time. Presumably because Theodore had been off skipping through time at every ultrasound. Crafty little bugger.

Buffy was giving in to the inevitable, her bright head sinking slowly toward the headrest. When she didn't smile, like now, he could see the tired lines beside her mouth and the dark circles beneath her eyes. Breastfeeding and caring for triplets took a lot out of a woman, even a Slayer. They were owed a night of fun and violence and some undisturbed sex after.

"You got the map, love?"

Buffy dove into her enormous purse and rooted around. By the time she emerged, red-faced, Spike didn't need the explanation anymore.

"I'm sorry, baby. I must have left it on the changing-table," she said. "No, wait."

She stuck her hand in her giant breastfeeding bra and brought up a handkerchief, a five-dollar bill and a receipt for shoes. The amount on the bill made his eyes pop, but when they slid down to the drool spot on Buffy's winter coat - last year's coat, he was pretty sure - he told himself to forget it. She deserved a treat. She deserved the best, and when you had three sprogs around who also deserved the best, very often the mother and father lost out. Not so tonight.

He sniggered. "How about the Captain's face, then, love? Eyes fair popping out of their sockets, eh?"

Buffy elbowed him gently, mindful of the icy roads. Speaking of icy roads, he now only had an address and no clue how to get there.

"South-West, Buff? Airport or Indianapolis?"

"Um..."

Airport it was then. Bloody stingy buggers at the Council should spring for a Tom-Tom. They'd wasted many an hour finding elusive addresses. Demons and their like were weren't often listed in the Yellow pages.

It started snowing. Buffy fell asleep, emitting tiny ladylike snores as her mouth fell open. Spike sighed in contentment. He loved even her open mouth and her snores, and since those were a fair certainty in the near and far future, he was a lucky man indeed. He removed a golden lock from her cheek. The brown roots were showing badly. The triplets were sleeping well, in theory, but he figured he and Buffy were going to move to another time zone in the next seven year. Energetic, fully-dressed Theos were wont to pop into existence at ungodly hours, insisting it was playtime and they didn't deserve to get punished.

And how did one punish a time traveler anyway? The kid could just jump away from any place he didn't like at any time. They were going to have to rely heavily on the moral upbringing. He hadn't the faintest clue how they would ever manage it, but adult Theo seemed like a very stable, friendly kind of guy who was admirably reticent about what exactly he did. So. They were going to manage it. His head still reeled from the all the time travel paradoxes he and Buffy had thought up.

When he found himself in a residential area for the second time, he phoned up Dawn and asked her to find him a route online. He was only two blocks off. Gurnenthar had apparently decided to ascend in an impressive, early twentieth-century brick mock-Georgian. Better than the house he and Buffy had. Maybe he could ask Andrew to look into acquiring the property, which would devalue sharply after the messy, messy slay he was looking forward to. He licked his lips. The crunching of bone, blood splatter that would confound even Dexter, gore in all colors of the rainbow. Buffy panting and throwing of an aerosol of exciting sweat.

He put his hand on her neck and turned her head gently towards him. "Wake up sweetheart. Time to slay!"

She woke with a start. "What? Were? Is it time to feed? Oh."

Her hands stopped their automatic fumbling at the front closure of her bra and instead twisted her hair into a slaying ponytail with quick, practiced movements.

"Axe in back?"

"Yep."

She hopped out of the car and tripped to the boot. He loved her when she had that bloodthirsty gleam in her eye. Amazing woman.

They took in the pristine snow in the front yard . "Just bash in the front door, pincer movement, or attic window?" he whispered

The Christmas tree rattled softly. Looking harder, he saw bone ornaments shivering in the still air. Oh yes, this was the real thing. Blood. Gore. Actual blood. He was still brassed off at those doctors who'd insisted Buffy have the twins in  hospital, denying him the pleasures of all that blood and afterbirth.

Anyway. Fresh blood, even if it was only boring demon gore. A bloke couldn't complain, now, could he, about not getting enough action when he had four beautiful and loving humans at home.

"What did you say, Spike?" Buffy said, grimacing apologetically. "I was thinking about Riley and Dawn, whether they can manage what with the Theos popping in all the time."

"Sweetheart, don't worry your pretty little head about them. You've earned, we've earned ourselves a couple of hours of peace and quiet. I mean, blood and mayhem. Right?"

"Of course. Let's just kick in the front door, baby. I'm not in the mood for subtleties."

Spike sighed happily.

"On two."

They stippled the immaculate lawn with their separate footsteps. One, two...

Crash! Their combined superpowers hit the hollow plywood and the door splintered, but did not open..

"Rotten craftsmanship," Spike grumbled as he tried to free Buffy's ankle boot without laddering her tights.

"Maybe I shouldn't have worn leggings for slaying," Buffy pouted, "but I wanted to feel young and pretty again tonight."

"You'll never be anything but. And you've always slayed in four-inch glitter platform heels, love. Of course you should wear whatever you please."

Buffy's axe  staved in the rest of the flimsy door and they stepped inside. Gleaming pale hardwood floors stretched to both wings and a curving staircase wound to the second floor.

"Nice house," Buffy said enviously. "At least four bathrooms, I should think."

Spike thought of telling her about his plan to buy it once they'd wrecked it, but it might strike the wrong note.

Something moved just outside his peripheral vision.

"Did you see that, love?"

"what? Let's go kill it."

"No, wait. I thought I saw a flash of red hair."

"A Theo? Here?  Hardly likely."

Unless he bought the house. Had bought the house. Was going to have bought the house.

A fat naked three-year-old streaked giggling across the hallway and disappeared.

"Spike!" Buffy said. "How is that possible?"

He scratched his head. Bleaching always made his scalp itchy. " Ahh.... Planned on putting an offer on this house — could get us a real bargain. Ascensions play merry hell with the resale value...  We must have actually bought it. Or that sentence in some other tense."

"Oh Spike!"

Buffy had stars in her eyes, but didn't lose the grip on her axe for one second. Full mom mode had switched back on the moment the Theo had appeared on the scene. Spike filed the notion of a post-slay shag under "Unlikely".

Another infant ran across their vision, this time pursued by a Gurnenthar demon. Its wings and tail kept it balanced as it cornered sharply to follow the child's zigzag course.

Buffy's axe sailed through the air and neatly beheaded it.

The child was long gone.

As another baby appeared in midair.   A flying gurnenthar snatched it up and swooped up to the third floor with a triumphant cackle.

"Spike! Get the axe and follow me!" Buffy snapped.

Her shoes disappeared up the stairs in a blur of Christmassy red glitter.

#

Buffy flicked a dagger and a stake into her hands from her arm sheaths and kicked in the door on the left of the landing. This was nice, sturdy oak and dutifully slammed open with a broken lock.

"Twenty!" a Gurnenthar crowed and tossed a screaming red-faced Theo to a bigger version of its batwinged, ropy-tailed self. The Gurnenthar's horned head towered over them, brushing the ceiling. Buffy noted the black streaks it had left on the white stucco and her homeowner's hackles rose.

The Gurnenthar paid no attention to the irate mother storming up to him over across a strangely expanding stretch of floor and put the baby in a gilded cage. Buffy pumped her legs harder, but the Gurnenthar receded further and further  away. Twenty little Theos of various ages squalled or screamed or kicked in their cages, stacked haphazardly against the far wall. Which was getting smaller and less detailedl. The Gurnenthar was becoming taller, too.

"Where's Twenty-One? I'm on a schedule here," The Gurnenthar said sharply to the smaller version. The minion's tail spiraled nervously around its greenish black leg.

TBC