Pawprints: Jono Disclaimer: All characters mentioned herein are Marvel's. The situation is mine. All the warm gooshy bits are mine, because Marvel just wants everyone to angst alllllllllll aaaaargh, stupid L hasn't worked for ages, frassum rassum...oh. You're still here. *chuckles nervously* As I was saying, I do not have permission to use these characters, and am not making any money from them anyway. There.

Note: This is intended to be the first in a series of diary entries, notes to self etc., describing the thoughts and feelings of the Gencats in the first person. All the more personal type incidents I skipped over in the main stories will hopefully be addressed here.

Pawprints: Jono

By Dyce

Stupid journal thing that no-one is ever going to read, because I will burn it first, by Jono.
 
Miss Frost told us to do this. Something about it being therapeutic. She said that expressing our feelings, even only on paper, would help us to cope with what happened.
 
So who needs to cope?
 
I've got my face back, I can control my powers like never before, and I've finally sorted things out with Paige. I've never been happier. Which is sorta weird, b'cause just a few days ago, I was in a haze of depression so deep and thick I thought I'd never make it out. I'd convinced myself that I was a hideous freak with no future and that all my friends just felt sorry for me and Paige...I didn't know what to think about Paige.
 
It's strange, how your perception of the world changes when your shape does. Probably explains why most shapeshifters are a few cards short of a full deck. All that mucking around can't do much for your self-image, and I'm not talking about that feeling good-about-yourself crap, but the part of you that knows who you are. The bit that says 'yep, this is me, this is what I like, this is what ticks me off, these things over here bother me, that over there is an unresolved issue or five, all here, right, good, Self intact'. When your shape changes, that bit does too. It's a weird feeling when you look in a mirror and realise that not only do you not recognise yourself, you Don't Recognise Yourself. Because you aren't yourself anymore.
 
Anyway, my first clue to all this came about thirty seconds after the change. I woke up, stretched, sank into my usual depression, and then thought 'what the bleeding hell is wrong with me? Why am I so fussed about all this?'. O'course, then I noticed the paws and tail and so on, which kind of distracted me from the revelation I'd just had.
 
But that night I wandered off for a while and had a bit of a think. I kept coming up confused. As a cat, I just didn't understand why a lot of stuff had gotten me down as a human. Mutant. Whatever. A two-legger's a two-legger, really. Bet that'd go down nice with all them anti-anyone-not-like-us people, on both sides. Exodus? Gyrich? Forget species superiority, mates, you're all just two-leggers to a cat.
 
Cats just don't have much of a grasp of self-pity. When they're hurt, yeah, but not for long, even then. Past is past. Remember what you learned and move on. Lost a limb, an ear, an eye? Learn to manage without it, or die trying. Which meant I was suddenly faced with the unpleasant fact of what an utter git I'd been, sitting around moaning and complaining instead of getting on with my life.
 
It wasn't a fun experience. Finding you've been making a total fool of yourself never is. But even that didn't bother me for long. I was alive, with my friends/family/groupmates (all one concept in Cat) reasonably well fed, and with a good place to sleep. Life was pretty good. And I was with Paige.
 
All the ambivalent feeling I'd been having just disappeared. I was - am - head over heels, inside out, upside down, out of my mind in love with the girl, and that, as they say, is that. Perfectly simple. Unfortunately, even when you're a cat, which means you're pretty much self-assurance on feet, actually telling someone you have feelings for them is... difficult.
 
But I managed it...
 
* * *
 
Jono sniffed. Yup, Paige had come this way. They'd been cats for all of two days, reaction was starting to set in, and the gel had wandered off. Three hours ago. He was worried about her. Paige wasn't the flexible type, and somehow he didn't think that she was handling this whole thing as well as most of the others had.
 
He found her crouching by the creek, paws tucked under her, tail wrapped around them, just staring into space. His ears flattened. Every inch of her body was screaming fear, confusion, and the terrible numbing shock that can kill an animal within days.
 
~Paige? Sunshine? Are yer okay?~ Don't be stupid, just look at her. You know she ain't even within shouting distance of 'okay'. He crouched beside her, tail twitching anxiously.
 
After a moment, she turned and looked at him. Blankly at first, but suddenly her eyes narrowed and her ears went back. ~Okay? Okay? How can ya even ask that? We're trapped in these bodies, and no-one's ever gonna find us and AH HATE IT!~ She looked away, staring at the rippling water. ~Ah don't know if Ah can handle this, Jono.~
 
~I'm sorry, Sunshine. I didn't realise this was so hard on yer.~ He shifted closer, and purred comfortingly. ~It's been such a big improvement on my life that I reckon I didn't think as everyone might not be enjoying it.~
 
~You're enjoying this? Ah guess, Ah mean, it must be nice bein' able to eat again and all, but we ain't human! We might never be again!~
 
~Yer make it sound like that's a bad thing, gel. I like being a cat, and not just coz I got a bottom jaw out o' the deal. Paige, just think about something for a minute, okay? Yer always so tense, stressing about bein' the best and all. Does that bother you now?~ She thought for a minute, and a small frown crossed her face.
 
~No.~ She said slowly. ~It doesn't. As long as Ah do mah best an' all, Ah guess...Ah ain't so worried about it any more. Ah was pretty dumb, t' get so worked up about it.~
 
~Yer not dumb, Paige. You could never be dumb.~ Damn. How did that slip out?
 
A faint spark of humour flickered in her eyes. ~Ah can too! Ah can be as dumb as Ah please, thank you very much.~ The spark flickered and died. She huddled into herself. ~Ah'm scared, Jono.~
 
~I know. I'm scared too, love. But we...just...~ Did I just say - oh no, what was I thinking? Too late to cover it up now, she's looking at me like she's not sure what to say, oh well, might as well get it out now. ~Umm, Paige? This probably ain't the best time an' all, but I...umm... IloveyousomuchithurtsandI'msosorryIscrewedthingsupforus.~ There. I said it. Now I just have to crawl away and hide somewhere.
 
Paige stared at him. She looked almost - disbelieving. Then she sighed, shook her head, and looked at him gravely. ~Jono?~
 
~Yeah?~ Please don't try t' let me down gently, sunshine. Just let me fall off the face of the earth with what's left o' me dignity intact...
 
~Ah love you too.~ She snuggled up against him and tucked her head under his chin.
 
Jono froze. Wha...oh. Ah. Really? You love me? Am I dreaming again? No, don't think so...she loves me!!!!! He melted into a warm puddle of sheer bliss. As a soft, purring duet rose and fell in the air, one last rational thought somehow found its way into his head. You mean I wasted all that perfectly good worrying? Then it realised it wasn't wanted, and left.
 
* * *
 
Hmm. Wonder how long I've been sitting here with a huge loopy grin pasted on my mug. A while, probably. That was one of the high points of my life. All right, THE high point, then. I don't need to cope with anything. I've gone being from a small cloud of depression on legs to being Mr Happy Face (although I might have to kill Jubilee a bit if she keeps calling me that). Anyway, enough is enough, I'm going.
 
I gotta date.

Jonothan E. Starsmore.