Dedication - This is for Barbara Johnson who told me to do a sequal - good idea!

 

Ok - please don't hate me but having a certain ending wouldn't have been true to the story...

 

Four days.  Angel had been gone for four days and no one had heard anything from him at all.  He had just vanished... with Gabriel.  He hadn't even gone back to Wolfram and Hart to get his things.  For four days Spike had waited alone in the penthouse, hoping desperately that Angel would come back to him, but knowing in his heart that he really had no reason to.  Spike hadn't dared to leave though.  He needed to be here.  It still smelled like Angel.  He could still taste him on the mugs in the kitchen and the dark blue toothbrush in the bathroom.

 

When he had realised that Angel had gone, fled Cordelia's old apartment in order to protect Gabriel from them he wished that he could have just turned to dust.  Instead he sank to his knees and stared out of the window, icy tears filled with hate and self recrimination eased themselves down over his cheeks and teased the corners of his lips, making him taste the misery that he had caused.  His mind had stopped there and then.  He had lost the most important thing in his life and he would have gladly greeted the dawn but Buffy had dragged his pliant form out of there.

 

He had spent the first day without Angel trapped in a cotton wool world of self-hatred.  He looked at everything that he had done over the past few days trying to understand how he had let it all go so wrong.  He found no answers there.  He only found shame and heartache.  He recalled the few times that he had looked at Angel and he had seemed withdrawn but he had been quickly distracted by the antics of a Scooby and thought nothing of it.  He knew that he had betrayed Angel the moment he had seen them all in the office but he had been shocked. That was no excuse though and he knew that he would give his very soul to undo all the hurt that he had caused.

 

Wes, Gunn and Lorne still weren't talking to him although they acknowledged his feelings, he knew though he would never be able to make this up to them.  He had cost them their dearest friend.  Only Fred had come to him; tried to speak to him, tried to get him to feed, tried to stop him cutting himself.  He hadn't been able to do anymore than cry and bury himself in her embrace, all the while aware of the fact that he deserved none of her comfort.  When the Scoobies had come into Wolfram and Hart to say goodbye Buffy had asked him to come to Rome with her saying that she didn't understand what had happened between him and Angel, but that they could work something out.  He had hit her.  Hard.  Then he had broken down again when Wes said that he might as well go â€" he'd already paid for it.  Willow had promised to try to find Angel for them and in the end she was the only one that left on good terms with any of them.

 

The only hope that they had was that Willow had been able to confirm that Angel was still alive â€" she just didn't know where.

 

They had searched the entire city â€" Special Ops did sweeps every hour, as did the mystics â€" but Angel had vanished.  So all Spike had left of him was the physical echoes that lingered in the room.  He held a shirt when he tried to sleep, unable to believe that he would ever be able to sleep without the aroma of warm honey and ginger that was Angel.  More tears made their way down his face as he realised that the scents were fading.  In a week or so he wouldn't even have that.

 

"This is what I did when Gabriel left me all those years ago.  I almost destroyed myself waiting for him to return."

 

The soft whiskied voice stroked over his entire body, charging it with life and Spike shot off the bed.  There, bathed in moonlight, but melting in and out of the shadows as he was dressed all in black, was Angel.

 

He looked tired and calm, but Spike could smell the anguish that was pouring off him.  He couldn't help the flare of jealousy that sprung to life as he wondered if the only reason Angel was here was because Gabriel had left him again.  He stamped it out as he realised that it didn't matter why he was here â€" he was here!  He now had the chance to try to apologise, to make things right again â€" to undo all the hurt that he had caused.  He stepped to Angel and ran a trembling hand over his cheek, only this physical contact would guarantee to him that Angel was real and not a hallucination born of a tortured mind.  Soft skin met his and he felt the tears build anew.

 

"You're really here."

 

A soft whisper in the darkness echoed by the gentle caress that he lay upon the cream skin. He moved in closer so that he was almost touching Angel top to toe.

 

"I needed to get something."

 

Spike recoiled at the implications behind that statement.  Angel wasn't staying.  Angel was leaving.  He had lost him.  Bugger that!

 

He moved his body back to Angel's and snagged the silky brown hair in a strong hold dragging him down and claiming those soft pink lips in a bruising kiss.  Spike poured out all his passion in that kiss, all of the anguish he had felt over the past few days, all the love and need that he had for the gorgeous soul he was fiercely clinging to.  He felt Angel's lips begin to bleed under the intensity of his kiss but he couldn't stop, he wasn't able to let go.  Strong hands slid up his arms and pushed him away, holding him at a distance and preventing him trying to kiss his way back into that heart.

 

"No Spike.  I can't â€" please..."

 

Angel's voice was a hoarse whisper, strained from the hurt at seeing Spike again and at being kissed like that.  Arousal and anguish â€" an uncomfortable combination.  He pulled away, unable to remain so close to that lithe form that he loved and feared so much.  He couldn't ever hate Spike but he would always fear the hold the blonde had over his heart.  Fear the day that Spike would set out to hurt him and utterly destroy him in the effort.

 

"Angel, I'm so sorry â€" please just stay, hear me out!  Please, that's all I want... let me explain!"

 

Spike had never begged for anything in his life, but he was begging now.  He was choking on his tears and begging to be allowed to speak, because he couldn't bear to lose what he had finally found.  He moved towards Angel and choked back a bitter cry as Angel retreated from him.  In those sable eyes he saw enough hurt to weigh down the world.  He could see Angel breaking before his eyes and it was his entire fault.  He could have stopped this had he only looked up from the pedestal that the Scoobies had placed him on and seen the real hero. 

 

"Please, Angel... I love you so much..."

 

"Not enough to keep me though.  You promised you'd never hurt me... you destroyed me Spike.  Not even Hell managed that...  I love you with everything I am, I gave you everything I was... but it wasn't enough..."

 

"It was, it is!  Angel, I am so in love with you...  I can't lose you... I won't..."

 

He caught Angel's arm in a firm grip and tugged, pulling Angel towards him.  Overcome by his tears, Angel was pliant in his arms and he wrapped himself around the shuddering figure.  For a moment the world just stopped for Spike as he held Angel, revelling in how right it felt.  He couldn't help the happy sigh into Angel's skin as he realised that Angel didn't smell like Gabriel â€" well not like he'd had sex with him in the past four days.  A small frisson of hope began at the base of his spine.  He could see a small light at the end of the very dark tunnel he was in... 

 

He placed a small kiss on Angel's neck.  When that wasn't rejected he placed another, working his way higher and higher until he reached Angel's mouth.  The kiss was like their first one only a month ago, tender and loving and heartbreakingly soft.  Spike gentle mapped his away around the familiar mouth that he knew he would never be able to do without.  Angel tasted sweet like his honeyed skin but there was the spicy flavour of hurt lying underneath.  He wanted to lick that hurt away so bad that he deepened the kiss.  Inwardly he was crowing as Angel tentatively returned his caress.

 

They broke apart with soft lingering kisses.  One of Spike's hand's had drifted to the small of Angel's back and the other was cupping his cheek.  Angel had one on Spike's chest and the other on his hip â€" small, but to Spike immense, displays of trust.

 

"I love you Angel.  I promise Pet, nothing like this will ever happen again.  I love you too much."

 

Angel smiled faintly and pressed a truly loving kiss to Spike's lips and then another on his forehead before he pulled away.  Tears gathering in his eyes.

 

"I can't stay Spike â€" no listen please... just listen.  I love you more than anything.  I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, even Gabriel but I can't stay.  This?  What we have?  Its not a relationship Spike... it's an obsession.  I am in so deep and it terrifies me because I know that you have the power to destroy me.  You almost managed to this time and you weren't even trying.  What happens when you try?"

 

"But I won't Angel.  I promise that I won't ever hurt you... not gonna hurt you. Promise. Love ya too damn much to do that."

 

Spike was speaking quickly, slipping between his natural, upper middle class accent and his affected cockney one â€" his entire façade was crumbling at Angel's words.  Angel wasn't rejecting him, he was fleeing him.  He had hurt Angel more that he imagined.  Suddenly a white hot flame of jealousy ripped through him.

 

"What 'bout your precious Gabriel?"  The sneer wasn't even put on.  It was there in every word and facial expression.

 

Angel shook his head wearily.  "This has nothing to do with him.  This is about me."

 

"Yeah, like he's not gonna come sniffing after you're arse... like you didn't just risk everythin in savin him.  He a good fuck Angel?"

 

Spike was growling and his eyes were bleeding from blue to yellow and Angel stepped back, not wanting to get into a fight about this as well.  He hadn't wanted to see Spike for this very reason...  If he had just left then he wouldn't have to leave on a wave hate... he didn't want Spike to hate him and he knew that he would at the end of this.

 

"Spike!  Please just listen to me... I was ready to kill Gabriel that night because it was the right thing to do.  I spent the entire evening drawing â€" a way to say goodbye to him... but then, that vision... I saw the pair of you dust and I knew that I could let either of you die."

 

"Because you love us so much?"  The sneer was stronger than ever.

 

"Yes and because you are both such a huge part of me.  I realised through that vision that... if I killed Gabriel I'd kill a huge part of myself.  Gabriel was the first person to ever love me.  he was the first person in my life that didn't want anything from me... that didn't want to hurt me...  he was my first love Spike.  He repaired all the damage that Donal and my father did and he made me whole again â€" just like you did after the Master and Hell and...  If I killed him Spike, that part of me â€" Liam â€" would die too.  I thought that I could cope with that so I said goodbye to Liam too. 

 

But that vision... that changed anything.  The Power's were telling me that I couldn't afford to lose that part of me...  I could let you kill him either because then I'd lose Gabriel, Liam and the part of me that is you.  I would never have forgiven either of you for killing the other because you'd have killed me too.  So I ran... and I had no other way out â€" you gave me no other way out.  If you'd have let me talk to him, or listened to me at any point then... I don't know..."

 

"But you're still leavin' so you can't love me that much."  It was back.  That voice, the dead tone was back and it chilled Angel to the bone.

 

"Aren't you listening to me?  You are the biggest part of my life... but it's more than that.  You are my life.  There is this piece of me that you made and I am terrified of that part because all you have to do is leave me and I'll curl up and die.  And it's not your fault.  It's mine.  I've let you and Gabriel and the Master and my father dictate who I am.  I have never tried to find out who Angel actually is â€" there was always been someone in the background; someone whose expectation I had to live up to.  I can't do that anymore â€" it'll destroy me.  I need to work out who I am and I can't do it here."

 

Spike seemed to consider this for a moment and then he shook his head.

 

"No Angel...  Ya know, I've had a few rejections in the past but that is the biggest load of bollocks that I've ever heard!  You're a coward Angel!  You're runnin from what everyone'll think of you.  You're runnin back to your Daddy so..."

 

He was cut off when Angel's fist collided with his jaw hard enough to push him to the floor.  That was it â€" Spike snapped.  He lashed out at Angel catching him in an upper cut that was quickly followed by a side kick that sent Angel crashing into the wall.  He quickly sprung to his feet but he didn't try to retaliate.

 

"If that's what you believe Spike then I guess we really are over."

 

The distressed waver to Angel's voice smashed through Spike's defences and he flew across the room, pinning Angel to the wall before he could blink.  One arm was pressed across Angel's torso and the other was in his hair, roughly yanking it back, baring the side of his throat to Spike's lengthening fangs.

 

"You forgot one thing Pet, I claimed you... You're mine."

 

He sank his fangs into Angel's flesh, hard and deep.  He ignored the fists that were banging on the wall and the body which was frantically trying to push away from him.  Angel's struggles reminded his demon of all the kills that it missed and he bit down harder.  This wasn't about passion this was about property.  He ignored everything in favour of making Angel his property again. 

 

Under the pull of the blood loss Angel began to sag in Spike's arms, nearing unconciousness.  Spike moved the hand from his hair and wrapped it around Angel's waist and pulled him towards the bed.

 

"You're mine Angel.  You gave yourself to me â€" willingly and 'm not lettin you go!"

 

As Spike pushed Angel down onto the bed, tearing at his trousers with desperate hands his frame of mind changed.  He went from needing to own Angel to needing to love him, needing to bring Angel back to him.  He ignored the hands pushing him away and the desperate voice that was begging him to stop.  He needed to show Angel how much he loved him, how much he needed him, how much he wanted him.  He tore at the poncy silk boxers and at the shirt that was hiding that perfect pale skin from his eyes and hands.  The tearing of material and the harsh panting of an overly aroused vampire were the only sounds that could be heard in the penthouse.

 

Angel stopped fighting when Spike ripped his boxers from his body, somehow sensing that this was one of those inevitable parts of life.  He couldn't help the chill that settled on him when he realised what was happening.  Spike was raping him â€" not because he was consumed by blood lust but because he wanted him.  And that was what changed everything for him.  That was what stopped his fight.  For the first time, he realised that Spike truly wanted him.  Desperately wanted him.  That didn't stop him from screaming when Spike brutally thrust into his unprepared hole and began to saw in and out as hard and fast and deep as he could. 

 

Angel's scream pierced his consciousness and Spike realised with a wave of utter horror what he had done.  He'd raped Angel.  Again.  He started to pull back but two strong arms wrapped round him and held him in place, deeply embedded inside Angel the strong hands cupped his face and he stared into the chocolate eyes that had trusted him not to do this very thing only a month ago.

 

"I love you."

 

Angel said the words with no pretence or force behind them.  He simply stated what he knew to be the truth â€" he did love Spike.

 

Angel leant up and captured the cupid-bow lips with his own hoping that he could convey to Spike that he truly meant it.  He didn't want this to destroy Spike because he knew that it wouldn't destroy him.  Spike began to kiss back, slowly and gently and his tears mixed with their saliva making the kiss salty and sorrowful.  Angel ran his hands into Spike's hair, down the t-shirted back until he reached the hem.  He started tugging at the material until Spike obligingly pulled the offending item of clothing from his body.  He kicked his jeans further down his legs, his buried cock jolting as he moved sending pleasurable shockwaves up Angel's body.  Angel's hands never stopped their exploration, they ran over every muscle, every bone, every piece of flesh.  They mapped every available piece of Spike's flesh and when they couldn't reach his legs, he lifted his own and ran them down the side's of Spike's legs.  He touched every single part of Spike that he could, wrapping himself in Spike's flesh.

 

Spike didn't let up on Angel either.  He kissed Angel everywhere he could, leaving a searing trail of saliva across Angel's lips, jaw, eyes, forehead, neck and shoulders.  He laved at the bite mark until Angel was writhing under him due to its sensitivity.  He bit down on a pebbled nipple rolling the other between his fingers.  At no point did he stop his gentle and shallow thrusts, thrusts that purposefully missed Angel's prostate forcing Angel to push back against him in order to get what he wanted.  Combined with the nipping, the touching, the kissing and the general feeling of Spike, Angel was going mad with need.  He was babbling and grabbing at Spike trying to get relief from the tension that was coiling in his belly.

 

Suddenly, everything changed.  Neither of them was sure what had happened to spark the change but something did...  The pace changed and along with it did the actions.  Spike stopped his teasing thrusts and began to glide in and out, slowly and smoothly, exerting pressure on Angel prostate with every move.  His hands ran up and down Angel's sides as Angel wound one into his hair and used the other to trace feather light fingers over Spike's cheek bones, nose, lips and eyes.  They didn't kiss.  They needed to watch each other.  Blue eyes gazed down into liquid chocolate ones, and apart from the colour, there was no difference between the two.  Both glowed with love.

 

Love so deep that it came from their very souls.

 

Across lips, as intimate and private as any kiss and infinitely more precious, was whispered three little words â€" words that wars had been waged over, words that people die to hear â€" "I love you."  And when they came, it wasn't with harsh screams of names or 'Yes!' it was with a silence â€" because words are often inadequate.

 

Spike pulled out of Angel and rolled off of him â€" pulling Angel with him and wrapping him up in bands of steel.  He wasn't letting Angel go ever again.   Even if that meant that they never left the bed.  He felt tears roll down his cheeks and matching ones land on his chest.  He pressed a tender kiss into the sweat slicked sable hair.

 

"I really do love you Angel."

 

"I love you too.  More than anything.  Please never forget that."

 

"I won't Angel â€" I won't ever forget you again."

 

Wrapped together, they fell into a weightless sleep â€" the type that can only be produced by peace.

 

He felt the morning sunshine break through the slats of the blinds that ineffectually tried to cover the windows.  He revelled in the warmth that the light brought with it.  Happily he inhaled deeply and smelt the night before.  It had really happened â€" Angel had come back to him.  Spike rolled over to look at Angel and wake him up in a very popular way.

 

He felt his heart jump into his throat.  Angel wasn't in the bed.

 

He was alone, not just in the bed, but in the apartment. 

 

On the coffee table were two objects.  A piece of paper and Angel's Claddagh ring glinting in the morning sun.  He picked up the piece of paper and recognised the words immediately.  Donne.  The name said more than the poem's words really.

 

Angel had left for good.

 

A pair of green eyes surveyed the city.  He wasn't here anymore.  He couldn't sense him... but he would.  He'd waited over 240 years; he could wait a bit longer.  Turning Gabriel walked into the LA night, not sure that he would ever be coming back here again.  It all depended on where his hunt led him.  He closed his eyes and let his mind drift. 

 

There.

 

He smiled.

 

Blood always calls to blood.

 

<>He had his Childe to find.

 

 

From:

A VALEDICTION FORBIDDEN MOURNING

By John Donne

Our two souls therefore, which are one, 
    Though I must go, endure not yet 
A breach, but an expansion, 
    Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
    As stiff twin compasses are two ; 
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show 
    To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit, 
    Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it, 
    And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
    Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,

And makes me end where I begun.