Subject: [RedShades] Another Beginning's End 2/2 Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 23:17:48 -0700 From: "Elizabeth" (continued from previous) Full auburn hair, wide emerald eyes, heart-shaped face with high cheekbones and pale porcelain skin, slim figure in a black halter dress I've never seen before. Oh my God. It is Jean. I know it in my heart even before she sees me and her lips part in a joyful smile. "Scott!" It's her voice. I barely manage to find my own. "Jean?" She flings herself into my arms. For just an instant, I let myself hold her. And I know it's her body against mine. "Oh, Scott! I was afraid I'd never see you again! I thought they were keeping you from me... but you're finally here!" I have to look at her. I look into her eyes, and the fingers of my left hand trace the angle of her jaw and her lips. "It-- really is you! I can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible!" "Of course it's me, handsome!" My gaze drops to my hand, which is touching her cheek. The glint of gold sparkles on my finger. Oh, dear God. No. This can't be happening. She throws her arms around my neck to kiss me soundly. "Who else loves you this much?" I push away from her. No. This is too much. I can't bear this. I can't bear her happiness, her open and honest love, when I've wrecked everything. "Jean, I-- I--" I can't finish, and though I try to hold them back, I feel hot tears sliding under my glasses and down my cheeks. Jean is back. She's alive. If I had just believed in her, if I hadn't given up on her, she could be mine again... "Scott, you're crying," she murmured, holding me tightly. "I've never seen you cry before. It's okay, I understand how you must feel." Her kind, sympathetic words just make it worse. How can she possibly understand, when she doesn't know what I've done? "Now that we're back together, things will be just like they used to be," she tries to comfort me. But I know things can never be like they used to be. "Jean..." I keep my left hand behind her, so she can't see yet. "I have to tell you--" A polite cough interrupts. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Warren says. He's always been a master of the dramatic entrance. "How are you two doing?" "Just wonderfully, Warren! Right, Scott?" I can't look at either of them. Did Warren time it just to prevent me from telling her? He comes in the room and I let her go, to turn my back on them both. "Isn't it great?" Jean asks enthusiastically. "I mean-- the three of us all together like this." I take off my wedding band and stuff it deep in my pocket. Warren answers, "It's more than some of us could have ever hoped for, Jean." I really don't like the tone of his voice. Is he setting himself up to be her shoulder to cry on, when Jean finds out the big news? He's always been in love with her. My tone is a little hard as I turn back. "Warren, I am curious about how Jean survived!" My gaze can't help but stray to Jean in wonder. "I mean, I thought you died." "Well, not exactly, Scott. I'll try to explain it as Doctor Richards did." "I'm all ears." So he tells the story of the shuttle and Jean's transformation to the Phoenix. Does he think I don't remember? I curb my impatience, willing to let Warren have his drama, as long as he gets to the point soon. Jean perches on the arm of the chair, listening avidly, but as if it has nothing to do with her. I lean against the wall, trying not to feel the pain as Warren reminds us all of how she died. "Her humanity had, in the end, defeated her corrupted power," Warren finishes with a flourish. Jean sighs. "The poor creature!" "Why are you people talking like the Phoenix was someone else?" I demand, not bothering to leash my impatience anymore. "I don't under--" Warren interrupts. "That's why I was giving you the build up, Scott. It's importnant you know exactly what really happened." "I'm listening." He goes on to tell an incredible story about how the Avengers rescued a pod of energy off the floor of Jamaica Bay, and Reed Richards opened the pod, releasing Jean. "You see, Scott-- the Phoenix was a separate entity that had perfectly duplicated Jean's body and personality. Too perfectly, since Jean's heroism caused the entity's self-destruction. All this while, Jean was left in the capsule until her extensive injuries healed. The only negative from the whole ordeal, is Jean's loss of her telepathic abilities." "Oddly enough-- my telekinetic powers have been increased dramatically by the experience," Jean adds. Thank God for her loss of telepathy. I don't want her to know what I'm thinking. Not now, not ever again. The Phoenix was Jean. Jean was the Phoenix. The theory they have doesn't make any sense. I know who the Phoenix was. I know who died on the moon. Yet, here Jean is, vibrantly alive. They both look at me to see what I have to say. They both believe it, that much is clear. "It's... simply incredible," is my lame answer. "I-- I'm at a loss for words." She smiles, as if that's all she needs to know. And her smile makes my heart ache. God, I still love her. "Now that we've explained my story, I have a few million questions to ask both of you." She goes off on an impassioned speech about the horrible state of mutants right now. She wants to form our own group, some kind of quasi- X-Men team. On this, Warren is just as caught as I am. Warren speaks first. "It's-- not that cut and dried, Jeannie. You see, I've given up the hero biz. I'm tired of the whole good guy-bad guy routine." "What!" Jean stares at him as if he's suddenly speaking Swahili. "I don't believe you! How can you turn your back on what's happening outside!?" She turns to me. "Scott, talk some sense into him! You've always been leader of the group! He'll listen to you." How do I explain to her what's wrong, without telling her everything? The words come in dribs and drabs, shameful and biting. "Well... I think I know how Warren feels, Jean. I recently tried to take over as leader of the X-Men, but I, uh, couldn't, uh, cut it." Actually what really happened was that Storm kicked my ass. Maddy hadn't wanted me to even try to come back. "I've... ah... retired, as well, more or less." My answer satisfies her even less than Warren's. "What is wrong with you?" she demands in dumbfounded amazement. "You actually tried to work with Magneto? The man who was trying to kill us at every turn when we were growing up?" That wasn't how it was exactly. Magneto never really tried very hard to kill us. And he hadn't even been there for my fight with Ororo. "Well... I..." She's not even listening to my faltering phrases. "You guys make me sick! What's happened to your commitment to Professor X's dream?" I don't have time to answer that she happened. I lost my commitment about the same time I watched her blow herself to dust. A reddish psionic glow forms around her head, and I know she's getting ready to do something spectacular. "All I know is-- I'm not going to stand around, twiddling my thumbs while our kind is totally wiped from the face of the Earth!" The outer wall explodes, as the couch impacts it at cannonball velocity, and the sudden hurricane force winds knock over the table. She steps out into the sky, haloed in psionic energy and floats away. "Jean, wait!" Warren calls after her. "Don't do this!" I watch her disappear into the sun, and I can't breathe. Jean alive. Phoenix was Jean. But she wasn't. And Maddy... "C'mon Scott! We have to go after her," Warren's voice reaches me from far away. "She's not ready to deal with the outside world yet." I'm dizzy. Nauseous. "... everything's confused... makes no sense..." "What's with you?" Warren demands and holds out his arm. "Grab hold and we'll go after her!" I shake my head repeatedly. "I... can't! So much..." I push him away, trying to find air. But my gasps don't seem to help the tightness in my chest. "Not right... all screwed up..." "Well, to hell with you then!" Warren launches himself out the window and I stagger back into the other room. I've got to get out of here. Jean's alive. She was never dead. In a fog, I go downstairs and just start walking, hoping to lose myself in the crowd. That evening I don't even think about going back. I can't face her. I can't face any of them. Not Jean, not Maddy. My shabby hotel room, far off the tourist track, has a lumpy mattress and roaches, but I don't care. I can't sleep anyway. My life has gone from domestic bliss to nightmare in one day. I mourned for something that wasn't really dead. I loved someone who wasn't real. My true love is back and I'm married to someone else, whose life I've already wrecked. The days blur together. I wander, finding all the little places that I used to go with Jean. I don't intend to go there, but my feet take me there anyway. The sight of each of them is like another nail in my heart. Because I can never have what I want so desperately.... I want that time back. I want that happiness back. I want that joy. But it can never be. Never again. I've lost Jean again, and this time it's my own stupid fault. Every morning I go to the place of the beginning of the end. Jamaica Bay. I stand at the end of the pier and watch the sun rise. Golden tendrils of fire caress the dark waters of the bay, reminding me of the Phoenix-effect and of the glowing cocoon of energy the Avengers found under the surface. If I had only waited... Finally, as I always knew they would, I hear the voice of one of my friends calling, "Scott...?" It's Hank. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. "Leave me alone, McCoy." Hank comes closer. "Scotty, we've been looking all over for you. I had a hunch you might be here." Sarcasm drips from my voice. "You always were the clever one, eh? So... you've found me-- now let me be!" Bobby chimes in. I should've known he'd come too. "We're your friends, man. We just want to help. What's wrong?" How can he ask such a stupid question? Does he have no idea what's going on? "My whole fucking life, Drake, that's what's wrong!" They hesitate to say any more, taken aback by my vehemence. Did they think I could just shrug off Jean's resurrection as "one of those mutant things" and get on with my life? _Nothing_ can ever be as it was. My voice is softer, as I stare into the sunlit water. "I've just been wandering... to all the old places we used to go as kids. You know the "Coffee Bean" is now a sushi bar?" I quirk a half smile and then have to bite my lip as tears threaten again. "Hank, I'm all torn up inside," I whisper. "Nothing is what I thought it was. My Jean never died." I feel sick again and barely force the words out, "It was only that- that _thing_!" It tricked me, that thing. I believed it was Jean. But I should've known. Somehow I should've known. If I'd been smart enough, been half the leader I'm supposed to be, I should've figured it out. Maybe this Jean is also the Phoenix, and not really Jean either. Maybe it's just waiting for me to love her again, just so it can twist the knife a little deeper. "I even mourned for Jean... resolved myself--" I can't do it again. Losing her once ripped me apart. And now, having her back, hurts more than losing her did. "How can I even face her--" I figure out what my fingers are toying with and I take my ring out of my pocket. I haven't worn it since I saw Jean. "What about Madelyne? How do I explain how I feel to her? How can I tell her any of this?" My hand clenches around the ring and I'm tempted to throw it in the water. If only my problems could be solved so easily... Hank asks softly, "You're still in love with Jean?" Oh Lord, yes. I've never stopped loving her. Never for a moment. "I..." I can't say it. It would make a mockery out of everything else. "I..." But I can't deny it either. Hank slings an arm around me, and it feels good to lean against him. I once was strong, but not anymore. "Scott," he tells me, "I can't pretend to know what you're feeling. But there is something I do know-- you can't run away from your problems. You can't run away from any of us. We've always been like family, and that hasn't changed." Doesn't he understand? It's not like I _want_ to run away. "I-- can't face Jean. Not yet." I will talk to her, once I figure out what to say. "I want to be with her," I confess. "Near her, but I'm afraid to tell her the truth. I'm afraid I'll lose her again." I can't take that. Not again. Not get so close, and lose again. I would rather throw myself in the water right now and drown. Just take the coward's way out... Maybe they sense my half-formed intention, because Hank's grip tightens and Bobby puts a hand on my elbow. "My friend, do you honestly think for one moment that Jean would not understand?" Hank demands gently. "She was gone and you simply went ahead with your life. Surely she will not blame you for that." She wouldn't-- if that's all I'd done. If I hadn't married somebody who looked just like her... if I had waited longer... if I didn't have a child... -- oh God, the baby, what have I done?... "Scott," Hank goes on, "We have a second chance-- all of us-- to do something beneficial. Like it was in the old days, the five of us together." Maybe it's because I'm exhausted by two weeks of little sleep, or maybe because I want so desperately for something good to come out of this mess, but Hank's enthusiasm catches something in me. It's very tempting to rejoin my oldest friends in action again. "I know, Jean was correct about that." 'Correct' is not the same as 'right', but Hank doesn't catch the distinction. I don't think I have enough moral fiber to determine its "rightness." Is is right to defend mutant rights while I leave my baby without a father? I doubt that very much. "Come back with us," Hank pleads. "We'll work things out, you'll see." I inhale a deep, shaky breath. "All right. I'll go with you, but..." "You won't regret it, Scotty!" Bobby says enthusiastically. I don't have the heart to tell him I regret it already. "We'll all be with you-- by your side -- the whole way." Bobby claps me on the back and the two of them guide me away. Maybe it won't be so bad. I'll go back, help Warren and Jean get their project going, tell Jean the truth, and make my exit. Yeah, sure. My plan is nothing more than avoiding the consequences for as long as possible. The moment Jean and Maddy find out about each other, any hope of either is gone. I've lost them both; they just don't know it yet. Maybe I never really had either of them. Maybe my whole life is nothing but the Phoenix taunting me, taking Jean's form again and again... Maybe Jean resurrected herself as the Phoenix, who resurrected herself as Maddy... Redheads all around me, a herd of redheads with green eyes. Or is it a flock? A bubble of hysterical laughter forms in the back of my throat but I cut it off. No-- Enough. That way lies madness. Just don't think about it. I'm supposed to be a problem solver, but I see no solutions. No way out. I'm locked in a trap I made for myself, and I can't even chew my own foot off to get free. I remember the beginning-- I remember as if it were yesterday: Jean sweeping in to the study, her first day at Xavier's. I had never in my life seen anyone more beautiful, more full of life. I fell for her the moment I looked in the fire of her eyes, and her light made me whole again. Everything comes full circle. What began all those years ago as a moment of joy ends now-- its light turned to darkness, its truth into lies, its fire into ashes. Leaving me alone. fin. ******************************** ekayej@msn.com Elizabeth Johnson ******************************** "Does this strike any of you superior beings as ironic? ... I'm the deficient one, and I'm still saving your butts." -- Crichton, _Farscape_