This isn't actually the bitter end. There's still a short epilogue
to come.

The Fever, Part 16
Author: Elsa Frohman <elsa@frohman.net>
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Through the end of BtVS and AtS S4.
Archive: http://www.the-sandlot.com and http://www.spikedreams.com
Summary: Spike is back and working for Wolfram & Hart as an outside
contractor. He's human, sort of. This is my AU S5 AtS.

As the meeting broke up, Spike walked past Knox, pausing just long
enough to say: "Ethics. Check into it."

He glared at the young scientist for a moment and moved on.

Fred was the next to approach Knox.

"I think we need to have a long talk." Her steely voice and
unsmiling eyes conveyed her absolute seriousness.

The questions left on the floor were mostly about who was riding
home with whom.  Lorne was talking to Gunn and Wesley. Angel had
already left to wait outside.

Spike slipped into the shadows between the stacked crates and
containers and considered what to do now. He could hook back up
with Gunn and Ralph, but Spike really didn't want to go there at
the moment. The question of what had happened to Gunn's truck was
hanging in the air unresolved. Gunn loved that truck. Spike had
seen that clearly enough in the weeks they'd known one another. He
was certain there was going to be some blame assigned sooner or
later, and he really wanted it to be a later when he was nowhere
around.

A hand touched his arm, and he startled slightly. He really had to
be more aware of his surroundings, he told himself. Nobody would
have been able to sneak up on him this way in the old days.

It was Maria, and he relaxed.

"What happens to me now?" she asked.

Spike shrugged. "It's all up to you, love."

"No more tests?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

"Well, that's good, at least," the dark-eyed vampire said with
relief. "You're just going to let me walk away?"

Spike patted his jacket to find his cigarettes. He pulled one out
and put it between his lips as he fished for his lighter in his
trouser pocket.

"I don't have any reason to stop you," he said around the
cigarette.

"Don't you?" Maria asked, her head cocked slightly.

"I know what you are, pet. I know what your body is telling you
that you need. I'm not going to pretend I think you're going to
walk out of here and start on a brown rice and grapefruit diet.

"But if I come across you next week and you've got your fangs sunk
in some poor sod's neck, I'm going to have to dust you. So, you
just go make up your mind about what happens next.

"You've hurt nobody I know of right now, so as long as that's the
case, you're free to go where you want and do what you please."

Maria smiled, her eyes twinkling with humor that only she was
appreciating.

"And what is your body telling you that you need?" she asked with a
slight smirk.

"Nothing you'd be interested in, love," Spike said, bringing up the
lighter to the cigarette.

"You're not fooling me, you know," Maria said. "Do you think I
can't feel it when I'm near you? It rolls off you like steam off a
hot cup of coffee."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "And what's that then?"

"Loneliness. You're aching for a woman. You were never one to go it
alone."

"I think you're mistaken, pet. I'm doing just fine. Got friends.
Got a mission. Don't need somebody else to tell me who I am."

Maria gave him a skeptical look.

"I remember what you used to be like," she said. "Back when you
were with Dru. You were solid. You were her anchor. The shadows
reached out to touch you in supplication when you walked by. You
were somebody. When you walked, the earth shook beneath your feet."

Spike laughed. "I think I was a bit stealthier than that."

"You know what I'm talking about," Maria replied. "Your aura. I've
always had the knack for reading them. You were whole when you were
with Dru. Now, you're an empty shell. There's a hole in you. You
pretend that everything is all right, but you ache for someone to
hold -- someone to take care of."

Spike snorted. "You don't know what you're talking about, pet."

"Don't I?" She stepped close to him and put a hand on his chest.
"Your heart beats, but who does it beat for?"

"For me," Spike said with a slight smile.

"You're not fooling me," Maria repeated, looking up into his face.

For a moment, he was almost caught. But years with Drusilla had
taught him to recognize a thrall when it was being thrown his
direction. He snapped free of her influence and looked up.

His heart sank as his eyes met Ralph's. The other vampire had seen
the whole thing -- and heard it as well, vampire hearing being what
it was.

"Excuse me," Spike said with a slight frown, taking Maria by the
arms and moving her away from him.

Maria turned around and smirked at her former companion. She'd
heard his approach and knew perfectly well that he was watching her
come on to Spike.

"I... I was just going to tell you, Gunn says the limo can drop you
back at your place," Ralph stammered. He seemed to be deflating
like a beach ball with a hole in it. He hung his head and turned to
go back to the others. Spike could see the younger vampire's
newfound confidence draining away by the second.

Spike glared at Maria.

"I'm not after your bird, mate," Spike called after Ralph.

The vampire didn't turn back to face Spike, but he stopped walking.

"It's OK. Really. Not your fault if she prefers you. I mean, who
wouldn't?" Ralph asked quietly.

"Now, don't start that..." Spike began to say -- but he stopped
himself. If there was anything he understood, it was that there
were moments when a man didn't want to be patronized. He let the
younger vampire go and turned back to give Maria a piece of his
mind.

He was alone. She'd used the distraction to slip away. Spike
frowned and took one more drag on his cigarette. He shook his head
slightly and dropped the butt to grind it out with his heel.

------------

Ralph wandered back to where Wes, Gunn, Fred and Lorne were waiting
for him.

"Spike coming?" Gunn asked.

Ralph looked at the ground and shrugged.

"Where's your lady?" Gunn pressed.

"Don't have one," Ralph mumbled. He scraped the floor with the toe
of his boot, concentrating on not making eye contact.

Gunn frowned. "That quick? Man, if she dumped you that fast, she
wasn't worth worrying over in the first place."

Ralph shrugged.

"Let's go then. A couple of drinks will make it all seem for the
better," Gunn said with a kind smile. "What's your poison?"

"I don't drink." Ralph hung his head and sighed deeply.

"You talk, don't you? You talk, I listen. Come on, let's get out of
here," Gunn replied.

Ralph shook his head. "No. Sorry. I know you're trying to be nice.
But... I think I just want to be alone now."

The vampire started to walk away, but Gunn blocked him.

"Nope. No way. Look, man, something happened to you tonight --
something big," Gunn said. "And getting dumped -- that's nothing.
Happens to everybody sometime or another. If you think I'm going to
let you walk out of here and go back to hiding in basements and
dumpster diving, you've got another think coming. You've got
friends now, man."

Ralph's mouth tightened. "So, what am I supposed to do? Go out and
eat somebody?" he asked bitterly.

"Say what?"

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," Ralph said, avoiding
Gunn's eyes. "I may not be a coward anymore, but I'm still a
vampire. Maybe this isn't such an improvement. I'm not sure I
should be around people, after all."

Lorne had been listening to all this. He stepped up and put a hand
on Ralph's shoulder.

"I don't usually butt in where I'm not asked," the Pylean demon
said kindly. "But I've gotta say, cupcake, you're putting off vibes
like nothing I've ever seen. I think you're pretty confused. I
might be able to help."

Ralph gave Lorne a puzzled look.

"Lorne can read people," Gunn said. "All you've got to do is sing
something for him. You should try it. He can make things clearer
for you."

Ralph looked uncertain.

"Look, we'll go over there, and it'll just be you and me," Lorne
said, dropping most of the Las Vegas smarm that usually oozed from
his voice. "Nobody else has to know what I see. Private
consultation."

"You don't know me," Ralph said with a frown. "Why are you so eager
to help me?"

"Well, for one thing, it's what I do. But for another, I'm dying of
curiosity. I'm not sure I've ever seen anything like you."

"Nothing special about me," Ralph said bitterly.

"Oh, you're wrong about that -- a whole world of wrong, bon-bon,"
Lorne said, slipping back into his accustomed demeanor. "I look at
you and I see big neon lights that say special."

"Do it, man," Gunn said. "You won't be sorry."

"You've got nothing to lose," Lorne said with one of his patented
you-can-trust-me smiles.

-----------

Spike decided to walk home. It was a couple of miles, but not too
far for a walk and some fresh air -- or what passed for fresh air
in Los Angeles.

The impulse to light another cigarette occurred to him, but he
resisted. To tell the truth, he'd noticed Maria's distaste for
tobacco early on, and since he'd been around her, smoking had been
as much a tool for keeping her at arm's length as anything else.

He'd been thinking of quitting anyway. These new, functional lungs
were as good an excuse as any.

He decided to slip out the back way, avoiding the rest of the gang.
He didn't feel like explaining why he wanted to be alone for a
while. He made his way between the stacked cargo containers,
navigating away from the low hum of his friends' voices. He was
pretty certain there was a way out away from the main entrance
where everybody else was gathered.

The air smelled of packing crates and sawdust. The paths between
the pallets of stored goods were just wide enough to allow a
forklift to pass through, and Spike experienced a mild feeling of
claustrophobia as he walked through the warren of narrow passages.

He was only slightly surprised when Maria dropped down from on top
of one of the stacks to block his path. She gave him a flirtatious
smile.

"Sorry, love. I meant what I said. Not interested."

"OK," Maria said ironically. "I'm not the love of your life. But
you've done me a good turn, and I'm not so evil that I can't be a
little grateful."

"Send me a thank you note," Spike replied, stepping forward to walk
past her.

"Oh, take the stick out of your ass," Maria sneered. "All I'm
offering is a bit of feel-good."

"That's the thing, love. Wouldn't make me feel good."

"Wouldn't it? How do you know? When's the last time you had a nice,
no-strings-attached roll in the hay?"

Spike snorted. "Give it up," he said. "Believe me, there are always
strings attached. Even for your kind."

He started off, hoping she'd let him go without any further
protest. It was too much to hope for.

"You used to be my kind, you know." She was in front of him again.

"I'm only too aware of that fact." He moved up to look down into
her face menacingly. "Get out of my way," he said firmly.

Maria smiled and put a hand up to touch his face. It started out as
a gentle gesture, but at the last moment, she hooked her finger and
swiftly scratched his cheek with her fingernail, drawing blood.
Spike reared back in surprise.

She brought the finger up to her mouth slowly. Her tongue slipped
out to lick the blood from her fingernail.

"Mmmm..." she said, looking intently into his eyes. "You taste
good. Strong, but not overpowering, with a touch of spice... Not
like just any old human." She licked her lips.

Spike was incredulous. He touched the scratch and brought his hand
away to look at the blood.

Maria stepped toward him, smiling. "You could be like you used to
be," she said in a low voice. "No guilt. No regrets. The world laid
out before you for the taking."

Spike shook his head. "No guilt, no regrets -- no thanks."

Maria laughed. "What good is that beating heart?"

"I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain, love. You'd
never understand."

"We could be good together," Maria purred. "It hasn't been the same
for me since Ramone has been gone. It hasn't been the same for you
since you lost Dru."

Spike snorted. "You don't know me at all."

"So you keep saying. But I think I know you better than you'll
admit. You say you're not lonely. But I know better. Come back to
us, Spike. The night wants you. You don't belong in the
sunshine..."

"Not a chance, pet. Now, scarper off and leave me be."

"It'll be good, Spike," Maria cooed.

"I'll be blunt," Spike said with a frown, looking away to avoid
Maria's eyes. "You can't take me, love. You don't have a prayer.
And if you try, I'll have to kill you. I really don't want to do
that.

"You're not getting the whole 'change' thing. You're a vampire, and
vampires resist change like nothing else in the universe,
sweetheart. God, how I know that. But I've seen the spark in you.
You could see it, too, if you'd just give it a chance.

"So, I'm telling you to clear off and leave me be. Maybe someday
you'll get it. That's how it happens. I know that now. I can't make
you want to be something more than you are. You have to want it for
yourself."

He looked back, but Maria was gone. He shook his head and started
to walk.

"Spike..." His name drifted down from above. She'd gone up again --
looking for a spot to get the drop on him.

"Don't try it, Maria. I mean it," Spike said, a note of irritation
creeping into his voice.

"It will all look different once you're among us again."

Her disembodied voice was hard to pinpoint. He craned his head to
get a fix on her location.

"I don't want to do this," he said quietly.

"Then don't. You can belong again."

"Doesn't work that way, love."

"You won't dust me."

"Don't count on it."

"You want to make me good. Maybe you can. Come with me and you'll
have an eternity to convince me."

Spike didn't bother to answer. He was pretty sure of her location
now. He concentrated on keeping his guard up.

Maria made her move. She swept down on him, locking her arms around
his neck and trying to get her fangs in. He slammed himself back
against a stack of packing crates, knocking her loose with little
effort. She fell to the floor, and Spike turned to glare down at
her.

"You get that one for free, sweetheart. But that was your last
chance. Now, go."

Maria -- in full game face -- sneered up at him.

"You'll never stake me. You're too tender-hearted." Her tone of
voice made it clear she wasn't complimenting him.

"You've lost your edge, Spike." She stood up, and turned to go, but
unexpectedly turned back and launched herself at him again, this
time catching him off guard.

The struggle was short. Spike outmatched her by a wide margin in
strength, weight and height. He got hold of her and pushed her far
enough away that he could swing his fist. She reeled back from the
blow.

"How many last chances do I get?" she sneered as she recovered her
balance.

Spike didn't answer. Instead he advanced on her, his eyes cold.

The contest ended suddenly and unexpectedly as Angel stepped around
a corner and plunged a stake into Maria's back. She dissolved into
a cloud of dust, the final expression on her face one of surprise
and disbelief.

-------------

Lorne and Ralph sat on a couple of upended boxes outside the
warehouse under a clear, star-strewn sky. A sodium-vapor lamp high
up on the side of the building put a spotlight on them. Ralph had
just finished a not-entirely-unpleasant rendition of "Michael Row
the Boat Ashore." His voice was a reedy tenor, but he had a good
sense of pitch and rhythm. Lorne rested his chin on steepled
fingers and took a long look at his companion.

After a long pause, he smiled. "Well, if that doesn't beat all," he
said quietly.

Ralph waited for an explanation.

"Drusilla is your sire, am I right?" Lorne asked.

Ralph nodded. "Is that important?"

"Don't know, crumb cake," Lorne replied thoughtfully. "But she is
the one thing the three most unusual vampires I've ever encountered
have in common."

"Spike, me and ... who?" Ralph asked.

"Angel."

"The guy back in there? He's one of Drusilla's?"

Lorne shook his head. "No, she's one of his. Angel's your
grandsire."

"Oh..."

"Not that it's terribly important. Though, I think we'll be able to
guilt Angel into staking you to some digs and glad rags because of
it."

"Not sure I care about anything like that," Ralph said, looking
down at his hands in his lap.

"Never underestimate the lift you can get from a fine suit of
clothes," Lorne said with a smile. "A good tailor is worth his
weight in chocolate. Clothes make the man, moon pie."

"So, new clothes and an apartment are going to change my life?"

Lorne laughed. "No, of course not. You're in charge of the life
changing. And doing a bang-up job of it, I might add."

Ralph raised his head and looked Lorne squarely in the eye. "Why am
I like this?" he asked. "Because Drusilla was my sire? Because she
was insane?"

"And still is, from what I hear," Lorne replied evenly. "But, no,
that isn't the main reason. It may have contributed. She may be
passing out an essence that's a bit wonky. But from what I see,
most of what you are comes directly from you -- from what's in your
heart.

"You were hiding out for a long time -- since long before you were
turned. You had yourself so well hidden that when the demon came
knocking, he never managed to kick you out. You survived your own
death, cupcake. I don't know of anyone else who can say that."

"My soul? I still have it?"

Lorne shook his head. "No. I thought when I first heard about you
that we might have another souled vampire on the loose. But one
look and I could see that Angel still has the exclusive there. At
least, he's had it since Spike traded up to the daylight.

"But the soul isn't all that matters, cookie. If it was, how could
Spike have made the choice to win his back? There are other things
that make us who we are.

"Your defining moment came long before Drusilla sucked you dry.
Something happened, and you took a big hit to your sense of who you
were."

Ralph studied his hands in his lap again. "I thought I was one of
the good guys. Then I found out that the good guys burn villages
and kill defenseless women and children."

Lorne smiled sympathetically. "So you went away to live in a world
where the good guys are always heroes and the bad guys always lose
in the end."

Ralph nodded.

"Welcome back to real life, sweet thing. It's messy, sometimes
unpleasant, nearly always confusing, but there are compensations.
All the world has to offer is here for you now. What you do with
the rest of your slice of eternity is completely up to you."

"But now that I'm not afraid to go out of my basement, won't I
start wanting to kill people and drink their blood?"

"You tell me. How do you feel about that?"

"I don't think I could," Ralph whispered.

"Back inside earlier, when Maria asked if she could eat people
again, I think I realized right then that I couldn't be with her
anymore. And she'd never want to be with me, either. I'm not like
her. I was fooling myself. The only reason she was with me was she
was desperate to survive," Ralph said uneasily.

Lorne nodded. "Like I said, sometimes real life is messy.

"But you know, you've made a giant step tonight. You've come out of
that other place where you were hiding and started living again. It
might seem like everything ought to be better now.

"But that's not what living is like. There are big 'YES' moments;
and you'll know you've got it right when they come. Those times,
you're Superman. You can leap tall buildings with a single bound.
Save damsels in distress. Save the world if you've got the chutzpah
to try.

"And then there are the slap downs. And when they come, you just
hold onto your hat and keep going. You can't expect everything to
work out.

"But, somehow, I think you've figured that out already."

Ralph nodded.

"So, tell old Lorne, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to help people," Ralph said carefully. "But I don't really
think I want to be a demon hunter like Spike or Gunn."

Lorne raised an eyebrow.

"There must be some way I can make things better, without fighting
all the time."

"Very good, cupcake. My philosophy exactly."

-------------

Spike gaped at Angel.

"You didn't have to do that," he gasped, when he recovered the
ability to speak.

Angel shrugged. "You'd have taken her out -- eventually. But she
was right about one thing..."

"I have *not* lost my edge," Spike snapped.

Angel let out a humorless laugh. "No, but you really are too tender-
hearted. She was a non-starter, Spike. I could see it the moment I
walked in. I was watching the way she was watching you while Fred
was giving her report. She was eyeing you like a slab of prime
steak just about ready to come off the grill."

Spike sighed. "The ability to change isn't always obvious to see.
Nobody would have guessed where I was headed if they saw me ten
years ago."

Angel gave Spike a long look.

"I'm not so sure about that. There's always been something 'off'
about you."

Spike hung his head. "Well, thanks for the assist," he said,
sounding like he didn't mean it at all.

"You don't get to blame yourself," Angel said, irritation creeping
into his voice, even if he was trying to be supportive.

Spike paused, his back to the souled vampire. "I'm not feeling like
I've done much good these past few days. Taking Maria away just
delayed Knox's work -- which was good work, even if he was doing it
the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. And even if Maria hadn't
come around yet, she might have someday. No chance of that now that
she's dust."

"Spike, you ought to realize there was no way I was going to let
her walk away from here tonight," Angel said. "I couldn't. You
think that given time, she might have changed, and I can't say
you're wrong. But I also know, with absolute certainty, that even
if she reformed two weeks from now or two years from now, in the
meantime, she was going to kill people. You gave her a chance and
she didn't take it. It's not your fault."

Spike shook his head. "I thought I could do something that would
help someone. But apparently, I can't."

"Come on," Angel said, pushing down his irritation with Spike's
self-flagellation. "I've got a fine bottle of single malt whiskey
back at the office. There's nothing better for feelings of
inadequacy."

"Inadequacy? Not likely, mate."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "This mean you don't despise me anymore?"

"Nope. I reserve the right to despise you until the mountains
crumble to dust, or the Dodgers move back to Brooklyn -- which ever
comes first."

"Good. If you started liking me, that would really give me the
wiggins."

Elsa Frohman
http://www.frohman.net/