Chapter 6 – 'Epiphany' is a Big Word
Buffy's head hurt. "Guess Slayer healing doesn't cover hangovers," she said out loud as she rolled out of bed. She lay flat on her back on the floor for a moment before her encounter with Spike the previous night washed over her. She couldn't decide if she was more embarrassed, humiliated, disgusted with herself or sore.
"Oh God," she said to the ceiling. "What did I do?"
Finally, she stumbled into the bathroom where she downed four Advil with three glasses of water. Then she splashed her face and brushed her teeth. Feeling presentable enough to attempt a trip downstairs, she stepped out into the hallway...
...and bumped into her mother.
"Buffy Anne Summers," Joyce said.
"Mom!"
"What on earth were you doing drinking last night? And with Spike?"
"Well, technically I wasn't drinking with Spike..."
"You are only nineteen years old!"
Buffy squared her shoulders. "Mom, with what I face every single day, underage drinking is such a normal thing for me to do. It should make you happy!"
"Oh no, young lady," Joyce said, wagging her finger in Buffy's face. "You can't use the 'I save the world. I deserve a drink' argument on me."
Buffy put her hands on her mom's arms. "I know it was wrong of me. Oh so very wrong. I guess I was, uh—lucky?—Spike came along when he did."
"Spike still surprises me," Joyce said, calming down. "And you won't get drunk like that again?"
"Last night was a mistake. A big mistake. A surprisingly big mistake..."
Joyce seemed satisfied by her answer. "Okay. I'm glad that's settled. Let's go have breakfast."
"Uh, Mom? Food and hung-over Buffy? Not really mixy things."
"Oh," Joyce said. "I guess not. Well come into the kitchen when you're ready, okay?"
Buffy gave her a quick hug. "Thanks, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, honey. I just worry."
"It's what you grown-ups do best," Buffy said. Suddenly she panicked. "Grown-ups! I was supposed to meet Giles to train this morning! What time is it?" She grabbed her mother's wrist and looked at Joyce's watch. "Ten thirty? I better run."
Ignoring her aching head, Buffy ran back into her bedroom to throw on some sweats. Joyce followed her. "At least take an orange. You'll be hungry later."
"I'll grab one on my way out." She pulled a tank top over her head and kissed her mom on the cheek. "See you later."
"Remember I have to go to New York this afternoon through the weekend!" Joyce called after her.
"I remember!" Buffy raced down the stairs, detoured through the kitchen to grab an orange from the bowl on the counter and ran out the front door.
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This is good, she thought forty-five minutes later as she punched a well-padded Giles in the courtyard in front of his apartment. Working out the aggression, no Spike thoughts except that one and the one of the way he— no! No Spike thoughts. Just lots of violence.
She kicked out and sent Giles flying into an azalea bush.
"Oh God! Giles, I'm sorry."
"No problem. No problem. Just please help me up." She pulled him out of the bush. Dark pink flowers were clinging to his hair. She tried to brush them away, but Giles held her hands still.
"Ah, thank you," he said. "We really do need a proper place to train. Though my neighbors evidently don't exist, anyone could pass by while you're pummeling me and take offense."
"Yeah, plus I don't think the broad sword was meant to be used to prune trees. Even accidentally." Buffy unwrapped the tape from her hands. "Think we've done enough for today?"
"Indeed. My ribs thank you," Giles said. He gathered their weapons together and looked at her for a second before asking, "Would you like to come inside for something to drink? Or perhaps to talk?"
"Thanks, Giles," Buffy said. She took the weapons from him. "I'll help you with these, but then I need to motor. I've got some serious new school clothes shopping to do."
"Ah yes, your college courses begin again next week," Giles said. He opened his apartment door and Buffy followed him inside. He pointed to the couch, wanting her to place the weapons there, before continuing on to the kitchen. "And doesn't Riley return to town very soon?" he asked.
"Tomorrow, actually," Buffy said, laying the weapons down.
"Funny," Giles said, pouring himself a glass of water, "you don't sound as happy about that as I thought you would. Are things all right between you two?"
"Oh sure. Things are hunky dory. Just keen." She sat on a bar stool at the kitchen counter. "But maybe without the peachy. I don't know, Giles. I'm afraid I might be having feelings for someone else. Bad, wrong, terrible feelings."
"Terrible feelings?"
Buffy shrugged.
"I'm not sure I'm qualified to be having this conversation." Giles put his empty glass in the sink and came around to sit next to her. "Well, at the risk of sounding very old, I can tell you these things happen to people your age. I remember falling in and out of love very quickly when I was nineteen."
"Maybe that's part of it. Am I actually in love with Riley? Is that why I'm doing the things I'm doing—so I can give him an excuse to break up with me?"
"Do you want to tell me who this other person is?" Giles asked gently.
Buffy closed her eyes for a second. She so did not want to tell him. "It's complicated, Giles."
"Everything is at nineteen."
"Okay, enough with the 'nineteen' stuff. I do know how old I am, chronologically." She sighed and laid her head down on the countertop. "For once I really wanted a normal relationship, you know? With a nice, sweet, alive guy. And I'm afraid I've completely messed that up."
Giles patted her back. "Buffy. You'll do what's right. You always do. Of that I have no doubt."
She sat up. "Thanks, I think." She pushed off the barstool. "I better go spend money. Push all this stuff aside for a while."
"Off with you then. Save the economy!"
Buffy patted his shoulder. "See you later, Giles."
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She meant to go to the mall. She really did. Which was why she was so confused when she found herself opening Spike's crypt door.
He was sitting in his easy chair, watching a game show on TV. He turned his head to look at her.
"Buffy," he said.
"Hey."
He stood and snapped off the television. "Come to stake me, have you?"
She rolled her eyes. "Dramatic much, Spike? No. I told you I wouldn't and I won't. Not for last night."
"Well. Good. Wasn't sure you'd remember that conversation in the bright light of morning."
"I remember too much about last night."
"Ah, so now the regrets."
"It can't happen again, Spike. Riley comes home tomorrow."
Spike dropped himself into his chair, sprawling comfortably. "And what ever gave you the impression I wanted it to happen again? I had you, Buffy. It was entertaining. Never fucked a Slayer before."
Buffy felt the breath leave her lungs. Why the hell did it hurt so much to hear him dismiss it that way?
"Oh. I get it," she said when she finally found her voice. "So we have an understanding. This dies here. No one ever knows."
"Right by me."
Buffy nodded. She turned to go.
"Buffy..." Spike said.
She hesitated, waiting for him to speak.
"Didn't mean to hurt you."
Buffy's knees nearly buckled under the amount of humiliation she felt at that moment. But she stood very straight and said, "Fuck you, Spike. Like you could ever hurt me."
She didn't look back. She slammed the crypt door behind her. The echo of it followed her out of the cemetery.
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Buffy waved as Joyce rode off in the airport shuttle. She'd been left with a list of chores and a very empty house for three days. Well, empty until Riley came back tomorrow. Then he'd want to stay over since they hadn't seen each other in so long. Buffy rubbed her eyes. She didn't know how to do this. Or what exactly this was.
She wandered back into the house and up to her room. She closed the drapes and climbed into bed. And she finally let herself think.
So she'd kissed Spike and had sloppy, hard and fast, drunken sex with him. Spike had no interest in repeating the adventure. She was good with that. Fine with it. Wonderful with it! Riley would be back tomorrow. Safe, kind Riley who was so undemanding in every way. She could have sex with him. She would have sex with him. Because he was her boyfriend. And if she had to finish herself off in the bathroom later, so be it. Besides, there was no way her memories of what happened with Spike were accurate. Everything was exaggerated by the amount of alcohol that had been in her bloodstream. It was the only explanation.
He'd never fucked a Slayer before.
Feeling beyond dirty, Buffy threw back the covers and went to shower.
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Once her hair and body were clean, she wrapped herself in her favorite blue robe and sat down on her bed to call Willow.
Willow picked up on the first ring. "Buffy?"
"How did you know it was me?"
"I've been answering every phone like that all day long. Where were you?? Where are you now? Are you okay?"
"Um, bar on campus getting drunk, home and fine physically since the Advil kicked in."
"Tara and I moved back into the dorm today," Willow said. "We thought you wanted to help."
"You moved in today? Then why are you at home?"
"Picking up a few last things. You just caught me."
Buffy played with the tie from her robe. "Sorry, Will."
"Hey, it's okay. So why the bar and the drunkenness? Was finding out there wasn't a spell really that horrible?"
"Today, it seems very low on the horrible scale," Buffy said with a small laugh. "But last night, yeah. It was horrible enough."
"You didn't do anything last night, did you? We asked Spike to keep an eye out for you. Did he find you?"
"He found me. And you were right. There's no spell. So I'm worry-free girl! Worry-free girl whose boyfriend is due back around noon tomorrow."
"Have you told Riley any of this?" Willow asked softly.
"No. There's nothing to tell," Buffy said. "Hey, Will? Can I come by your room tomorrow and help you unpack? Before Riley gets here?"
"We're pretty much done already, but thanks for the offer. I'll give you our new phone number."
Buffy wrote the number down. "Thanks," she said. "Well, I think I'm going to sleep a while. Maybe patrol later."
"Okay," Willow said. "Are you sure you're all right? You sound a little off."
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just really, really tired. Say hi to Tara for me, okay? Tell her I'm sorry I ran out on you guys?"
"It's no problem, Buffy. We just worry about you."
"It's a common thing lately. Actually, I'm a little worried about me too. Hopefully sleep and some good boyfriend hugs will fix that. Night, Willow."
"Night, Buffy."
Buffy hung up and curled up under her covers, robe and all.
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When she woke, the clock said three am. She could get a good two hour patrol in before sunrise.
She dressed quickly and went downstairs to the kitchen for a bottle of water. She was opening the refrigerator when she heard creaking noises outside. On the back porch. Buffy rolled her eyes. Not again.
She whipped the back door open and stepped out. "Spike, now what?" she said. But the figure in the corner wasn't Spike-shaped. "Riley?"
"Didn't mean to scare you, Buffy," Riley said, stepping forward. "I got back early and I wasn't sure if you'd be out patrolling, so I thought I'd wait."
"On my back porch? At three in the morning?"
Riley laughed and ducked his head. "Well, I really missed you."
Buffy tried hard to squash the irritation she felt. Now she wouldn't be able to patrol. And obviously, Riley would want to make with the smoochies , and she so didn't want his class=SpellE>smoochies tonight.
"Can I come in?" he asked.
Buffy stepped back into the kitchen. "Of course!" She let herself be enveloped by Riley's hug. "It's so good to see you," she said into his chest.
Riley let her go and moved past her into the house. Buffy took a last look around the backyard. She sniffed. Was that cigarette smoke? She was about to go out into the grass when Riley's voice called her inside. Reluctantly, she closed the back door and went to join him.
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"You didn't tell me your mom was going to be gone all weekend," Riley said. They were sitting on the couch, Riley's arm wrapped around her, her head in the hollow of his shoulder.
She glanced up at him. "Didn't I?"
"No. I think I would have remembered that."
"Hmm," Buffy said, noncommittally.
"Did you still want to patrol?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nah. It's too close to sunrise now. Sleepy time for nocturnal nasties."
"Sorry I messed that up for you."
Buffy sat up and looked at him. "No, really. It's okay. I'm glad to see you. See? This is glad-filled Buffy."
Riley slid his palm from her shoulder to her hand. "Should we go to bed then?"
"Oh!" Buffy said. "Bed. Yes. We should go to bed."
She let Riley pull her to her feet. He stood there, waiting for her to take the lead. She reached up on tiptoes and kissed him. It was nice. She took both his hands and led him upstairs to her bedroom.
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Buffy couldn't sleep. The sun was coming up. Riley was snoring beside her. And she felt like crying.
Sex with Riley was—sweet. He always asked if what he was doing was right, if Buffy liked it, if she wanted more or less of anything. And if he tackled it a little like a mission, he at least saw it through to the end.
Buffy pushed the covers off and slid out of bed. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes to hold off any tears. It wasn't that she didn't care about Riley. She did. She really did. But now she knew what it was like to let loose without worrying that the Slayer in her would hurt someone. And though she knew Spike was completely wrong for her, she also now knew Riley wasn't completely right.