"The Things You Tell Yourself To Make Yourself Forget"
by  Alec Wire

Note:  This fits between parts one and two of "You Can't Go Home Again"
(http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/luba.htm#home) by Luba Kmetyk.

	Kurt smelled the cigar before he saw the man. Logan had his back
to the kitchen door of the Mansion, but Nightcrawler knew that his friend
had probably been aware of his presence sometime before the door swung
open. Kurt wasn't in any mood to talk.
	"You knew him. You could have mentioned that you knew
that.that..that.."
	"Wisdom."
	"Ja. That..Wisdom."
	"He ain't a bad kid, elf. He's got some rough edges, but so do I."
	Kurt let loose with an uncharacteristic string of German
invective that lifted the other man's eyebrows.
	"Don't think you can do that. He'd never stand still long enough
for ya to get the first piece of duct tape on him."
	Kurt looked as if he was considering the thought, and then he
sighed.
	"I'm worried, Logan. I'm worried that he's going to hurt her."
	"Anyone else, I'd say it's worth worrying about. Don't think you
need to worry about Wisdom. I've talked to him on the down low about it."
	"Brian and I already offered to hand him his head should he trifle 
with her affections."
	"Don't think that's gonna happen. Wisdom's done and seen mor'n a
man should. He don't think he'll see heaven without her."
	Kurt grimaced.
	"You aren't perhaps laying it on a bit thick, mein freund?"
	Logan looked at the sky and puffed his cigar. 
	"Don't think so. I know what he's feelin'. I've made my peace
with God, if there is a God. Did it a different way, that's all. Same as
I told Kitty. He takes care of his demons his own way, but after all's
said and done, we're a lot alike. He thinks Kit can redeem him."
	"You aren't getting me into this conversation, Logan. I am not
going to debate theology after a bottle of wine."
	"You could at least put up a little fight. Ain't that often that
I get philosophical."
	Nightcrawler grinned. 
	"Are you putting me on, Logan? You wax philosophical more often
than any X-Man, past or present, and dare I say future, including Charles
and Henry. You go on and on in the middle of battles, in the middle of
basketball games, watching television, and more situations than I dare
remember involving who gets to kill Robert Drake in return for icing up
the toilet seats."
	Logan smirked. 
	"Mor'n Hank? You really know how to hurt a guy."
	
	Kurt was silent for a few minutes. Logan waited patiently for his
reply. Suddenly, for a split second, Nightcrawler's demonic features and
his demeanor mirrored one another as he seemed to explode.
	"He is wrong for her, Logan! He is a killer, a drunk, and a liar!
Why him! Why did she pick him!?"
	"What if it had been me, Kurt?" came the quiet reply. "What if I
had ended up where the kid is now and you were having this conversation
with `Ro? What would you be saying then?"
	Kurt sat down heavily on the lawnchair he had been perched above.
	"I don't know. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know
why I dislike Wisdom so, but I do. If it were you, I suppose I would say
that you were like a father to her, that a..physical relationship between
the two of you would border on incestuous. Why is it so hard to
understand my dislike for the man? He has no respect for authority, he
smokes, he is too old for her, he is simply the most irritating person 
I have ever met. Brian dislikes him just as much as I do."
	Logan snorted. 
	"You don't expect me to swallow `Brian hates him' with a straight
face, do ya? I'll be real disappointed if ya do. Braddock's an idiot. You
know it, I know it. As for the rest, the same could be said for me. The
only thing that kept me from it is the first thing you said. I'm her
teacher, her father. It wouldn't be right. I think ya know exactly why 
ya don't like Wisdom."
	"Let us pretend for a moment that I do not, Logan. Why do the words 
"Wisdom" and "justifiable homicide" go together so well in my mind?"
	Wolverine finished the cigar and put the butt in his pocket. He
busied himself with the task of lighting another for some minutes. That
accomplished, he adjusted his stetson on his head and asked, "How's
Amanda, Kurt?"
	The color in Kurt's face drained away visibly under the short
blue fur that covered his face.
	"What the Hell does that have to do with anything, Logan?"
  	"You know exactly what I mean, elf. When was the last time you saw 
Mandy?"
	"She's on her way here. She'll be here tomorrow."
	"Do tell."
	"Coming out here was a mistake."
	"May have been the first smart thing you've done in a while."
	Kurt threw up his hands and slumped into the chair. If the
conversation hadn't turned all serious, Logan thought wryly, he'd look
almost comical.
	"First Drake coats my floor with glare ice and I almost break an
ankle going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Then I come
downstairs and find you and Herr Wisdom conversing like long lost
brothers. Now this. What are you insinuating, Logan? That because my
relationship with Amanda is foundering, I now need to turn to Katherine
for solace? Did I transform into a Jerry Springer guest all of a sudden,
or by degrees? Am I correct to conclude that you believe me to be pining
after Kitty Pryde all of a sudden?"
	"Nope."
	Kurt looked relieved.
	"For a minute you had me worried, Logan."
	"Not all of a sudden. I've seen it progressin' over the years.
Ever since Stryker. You like being the tragic hero, so I guess it's only
natural that ya didn't know how to handle it when she wanted ta be
friends all of a sudden. Maybe when the two of you went over to Excal to
live, ya got that much closer, being the only old friends in a strange
place, I dunno. In any case, you set it up in yer head so that Kitty
wanted you as much as you started to want her. Maybe it could have worked
if you'd beaten him to it. I don't think so, but maybe. But it's too late
now. Mend your fences with Sefton and forget Kitty. You'll only hurt her
with this."
	Kurt turned his head away from his friend and looked at the
window. Inside, the visitors from Muir appeared to be in spirited debate
with Cyclops and Rogue. Kitty was sitting in Pete Wisdom's lap, oblivious
to the discussion outside. Suddenly, the room erupted into laughter, and
she joined in. As the merriment subsided, she nestled her head into her
paramour's shoulder. Kurt clenched his hands unconsciously.
	"She looks happy, don't she, Kurt?"
	The younger man relaxed. 
	"Yes, she does," he said sadly.
	Wolverine tossed his cigar into the bushes. "Walk with me for a
while, elf."
	"Do I have a choice?"
	"Depends."
	"On?"
	"How badly you want to get through this. You can walk with me or
let this thing eat away inside ya until ya push Mandy away, or withdraw,
or do some other stupid move. Maybe all of `em. Walk with me. We'll go
down to Harry's."
	"That is a five mile hike, mein freund. Do you want me to work
this off by excersise?"
	Logan looked soberly at his friend. "No. I wanna have enough time
to get it into your fuzzy blue skull that she ain't the girl for you, and
I don't feel like getting you home on my bike after the number o' beers
we're gonna be havin'."
	"Gott en Himmel, Logan. Do you honestly think that alcohol will
help? This is my heart that hurts, not a fight with Amanda, not a bad
training session. I do not want to drink my troubles away. They will
still be there in the morning."
	"You ever hear of the navy S.E.A.L.s, Kurt? Guy in there I knew
named Dick Marcinko, used to call him Demo Dick, Sharkman of the Delta.
He was the head of S.E.A.L. team Six, started it from the ground up. Did
a couple o' tours of `Nam, then he did Six, then he ran a nasty little
outfit called Red Cell. Antiterrorist stuff. Dickie used to tell me that
the best way of  finding out whether a man was good for undercover work
was by gettin' rippin' pissed with him. I agree. It lets out the man
inside, lets you get to know him. Alcohol is more than an escape. It's a
tool. I aim to play shrink tonight. You just sit back and relax. We'll
figure this out."
	The two passed the mansion gates without incident. The walk into
town passed in silence, and Harry's Hidaway came into view. As they
passed through the door, Kurt spoke for the first time since the two had
left Xavier's School. 
	"How do you expect me to deny what I feel, Logan? I do not deny
who I am. I stand here without an image inducer. I do not lie to others.
How can I lie to myself? 
	Logan never answered, just nodded to Harry and walked to his
regular table. "Bottle of scotch, Harry. And two glasses," were his only
words. Kurt sat down across from him. "Logan?"
	"I ain't asking you to lie to yourself. I want you to admit what
you feel, just the opposite. Thanks, Harry." He poured a stiff shot.
"Drink up."  
	Kurt shrugged, looked at the glass for a minute, shrugged again,
and tossed the amber liquid back with a gulp. 
	"Ugh. Give me a glass of lager any day over this distilled swill.
I have new appreciation for Herr Wisdom's tolerance for pain. How do you
drink it?"
	Logan grinned. "By the bottle. I'm a beer man myself. I feel your
pain."
	"Ah, but Herr Logan, you are an admitted masochist."
	"Good to see you smile, elf. Fine. What do YOU think will happen
if you confess your love to Kit?"
	Kurt raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "Why Wolverine, perhaps she will
toss away that repugnant drunk and go to Germany with me and raise a crop
of brown haired, blue furred babies who sometimes walk through walls and
sometimes just teleport past them. Though I would put my foot down and
raise them to be good fuzzy Catholics. She would be shocked, of course,
and try to make me feel better about my rejection. It would get out, and
Amanda would hate me forever. I would be a pariah in the one community
that could accept me. Sounds like a plan."
	"Fine. What do ya think will happen if you wait? And have another
shot, it won't kill ya."
	Kurt looked apprehensively at the bottle. "You are sure about this?"
	"Drink."
	Kurt sighed and pushed away the glass to swig straight from the
bottle. Now it was Wolverine's turn to look apprehensive. "Ya swing from
the light fixtures and I WILL get Rogue to fly ya home by way of the lake."
	"Fine, fine. Make sure she tosses me into Drake's window afterwards, 
though. I would just once like to get the little schvein wet and freezing, 
rather than the other way round."
	Logan chuckled. "Answer the question, Kurt."
	"All right. She would most likely stay with Wisdom. I would most
likely remain her friend, if only to be close to her."
	"Correct."
	"Why are you asking me these questions? Is logic somehow going to
cure a broken heart?"
	"Your heart ain't broken. You're actin' a mite obsessive, but
your heart has nothin' to do with this. Thinkin' that you love Kit has
become habit."
	Kurt sighed. "You still haven't answered my question."
	"I want to make sure you've thought this through. Then, I want ya
to get plastered and try an' beat me at pool again. Cracks me up every
time."
	Kurt suddenly grinned and upended the bottle into his mouth. "You
will lose this time. I would put ten dollars on it."
	"Not takin' money from ya when you're drunk."
	Kurt let the smile run slowly away from his face. "It will not be
easy."
	"Never is. Lettin' go of illusions ain't the easiest thing in the
world as it is. You make it hard by bein' you. Ya love being the tragic
hero, like I said back at the house."
	Kurt sighed. "This is not going to come to a resolution here, you
know."
	"You had to think about it."
	"Who buys this round?"
	"On me."

	END