will1@earthling.net The High Cost of Business by Phil Hartman DISCLAIMER: Some are Marvel's. Some are J.K. Rowling's. Noel is mine. It's all fiction. No money is being made off of this. Etc. WARNING: Silliness, immaturity, and Wisdoms ahead. Just a heads up ... CHRONOLOGY: Sequel to "... and the Darksouled Queen." -------------------------------------- 9/7/06: Infirmary, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: 14:02 hrs local: -------------------------------------- "... PETE ... ?" Kitty Pryde was unsure whether to laugh, cry or panic; the jet-black ferret she was holding in her arms couldn't POSSIBLY be who she thought it was. But then the panicked look in the ferret's eyes dimmed a bit, and it managed to use its paws to remove the cigarette dangling from its' trembling lips, and it squeaked. And it produced a tiny pinprick of flame from one of its' front toes ... "A - GSHNORF - miniature hot-knife - FERRET - SPRGHK - a FERRET -" Kitty fought back tears as she looked at her best friend, Illyana Rasputin - newly a teacher at Hogwarts, and the one who'd asked Kitty to come help one of the students with his emergent mutant power. "This ISN'T FUNNY!" Kitty snapped, glaring at the newest Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. Illyana bit the back of her hand and sighed, looking at Kitty and Ferret-Pete with the lamest expression of sympathy Kitty had ever seen, before another set of snickers made Kitty glare at the dragon now fluttering in front of her. "Feh," Ferret-Pete grunted, pointing a specific front toe of his upwards at Lockheed. The dragon cooed contemptuously, then traded a glance with Illyana and broke into giggles. "Er - excuse me, Ms. Pryde, but are we missing a private joke?" one of the students - the boy with the glasses, Harry something, Kitty realized - asked nervously as he stood with a ginger-haired girl and a red-haired boy near the bed of Noel Montain, the mutant phaser Kitty had come to try and help. "That - TEEHEEHEE - 'ferret' is actually Pete Wisdom, Kitty's - SNORK - boyfriend. Someone's Transfiguration got out of hand, Harry - have any ideas who might've wanted to prank a mutant Muggle?" Illyana asked, glancing at Harry, then his friends, as she wrestled a serious expression back onto her face. "That would be a violation of several of the most serious laws of wizard society ... Wisdom, you say ...?"the white-bearded man near Illyana said in a deceptively calm tone. Kitty nodded in respect toward Albus Dumbledore, the school's headmaster; he seemed nice enough, actually ... The ginger-haired girl - Hermione, Kitty thought her name was - looked horrified, but held out her hands and asked, "Ms. Pryde, may I examine - er, Mr. Wisdom?" Kitty glanced at Dumbledore, who nodded, and handed the reluctant Ferret-Pete off to Hermione. The teen held the "ferret" up by his armpits, then stared deep into his beady eyes and shook her head. "It looks like an unwilling Animagus transformation, but that's very advanced ... and Mr. Wisdom can't shape-shift, can he?" Hermione asked, provoking a growl from Ferret-Pete which made her look at him in fear. "No, he can't - and calm down, you. I might decide I like you better as a ferret if you go attacking innocent students," Kitty snapped as she took the now-mollified Ferret-Pete back from Hermione. "Grarbl-bleh," Ferret-Pete spat back, with a tone definitely akin to "I'll be good for YOU, Pryde, but I want to bloody thrash the arse who did this." "Kitty has a point, Wisdom. And I do rather think you are ... cute ... in this state," Ororo Munroe - who, with the now-scowling Scott Summers, had flown to Hogwarts to finalize the details of Noel Montain's transfer to Xavier's school - said with a faint smile. "Ororo!" Kitty pleaded - she'd really thought her "foster mother" and Pete had settled their differences years ago ... "I apologize, Kitten. We should do something about this situation, of course - Professor Dumbledore, could you reverse this spell?" Ororo asked. "I shall try my best, Ms. Munroe. If you would, Ms. Pryde, please set - Mr. Wisdom - on the floor," Dumbledore requested. Kitty did so, and watched as Dumbledore produced a wand from somewhere within his robes. He flicked it at the trembling Ferret-Pete, and said gently, "Finite Incantatem" - - but despite the very impressive shower of sparks from the wand's tip, Pete remained as furry and four-legged as he had a second before. "Brragl - FARGH!" Ferret-Pete yelped, hissing madly until Kitty scooped him up. What worried her more than the likely foul language he was using was the concerned expression on Dumbledore's face. If Dumbledore looked worried, the gathered students were just about panicked. "Ms. Pryde, I'm sorry -" Noel said from his bed, but Kitty just smiled at him as the nurse, Madame Pomfrey, approached him. "It's not your fault, Noel. Listen to Madame Pomfrey and get your rest - I'm spending the night anyway, and we'll leave tomorrow. I'm sure by then, we'll have this solved," Kitty reassured the boy. Noel nodded, sunlight glinting off of his cropped brown hair, and laid back in bed at Pomfrey's urging. "Professor - is it - could it be - BLACK?" the red-haired boy standing nearest to Harry whispered in a horrified tone as he, Harry, Hermione, Kitty, Scott, Ororo, Lockheed and Ferret-Pete left the infirmary. "I rather doubt it, Mr. Weasley. Why engage in pointless sadism against one victim when - well," Dumbledore pondered, until Kitty caught him glancing at Harry in subtle concern. Harry looked both afraid and a little put out at Dumbledore's quiet, but he kept silent as Ferret-Pete started to glower at the Weasley boy. After an instant, the "ferret" hissed, pointing at Weasley and then at the cigarette Pete was holding in his tail. "What, ME!? I never met you until now!" Weasley blurted, but Dumbledore's brows suddenly furrowed, and Harry and Hermione groaned. "He doesn't mean YOU, Ron. Those overgrown prats - give me that cigarette, I bet there's a Switching Spell placed on it," Hermione demanded. Ferret-Pete dropped the cigarette into her outstretched hand, and she held it out for Dumbledore to examine while Ron went white as a sheet. "You don't think - but they're harmless! Mostly," he pleaded, looking at Harry for help. "'Them' who?" Scott asked, but Illyana's rueful smirk cut him off as she looked at Dumbledore. "This is more serious than pranking wizards, Headmaster. Even if Wisdom is a git, he's still a Muggle, and protected under law," Illyana advised, ducking the half-hearted scowl Kitty gave her at the use of the word "git." "True ... but they are underage. And I suspect Mr. Wisdom is not quite as Muggle as we first thought, if I know who his sister is," Dumbledore pondered before he gave Ferret-Pete a penetrating stare. To Kitty's surprise, Pete actually managed to *whistle* innocently, until he shrugged and babbled, "RormarArrrrbrahgbl." "Ah. I thought the name was familiar - she was an excellent student. She went into the Ministry's Liasion Office with Department F-66 after graduation, as I recall," Dumbledore mused, acting for all the world as if he spoke High Ferret fluently. He pulled a crystalline orb - not quite clear enough to be called a crystal ball, but still very reminiscent of the stereotyped seer's device - and said, "Auror 66-F, please." "Who went to Hogwarts?" Kitty asked Ferret-Pete, who was looking decidely uncomfortable again. He sighed, then babbled something that almost sounded intelligible, until a familiar voice cut the air and prompted Kitty to glance at Dumbledore. "Headmaster! A pleasant surprise - I was helping Mister Diggory track a renegade qwayfish smuggler in the Thames. How may I be of service?" Kitty heard, and she smiled as Dumbledore winked at her. "I have something of a situation here, Miss. We have need of your assistance ..." Dumbledore began in a conspiratorial tone ... ---------------------------------- 16:58 hrs local: Entrance Hall: ---------------------------------- "Where DID he get to?" "If the Headmaster finds out about our Shifting Smokes -" "- well, he MIGHT be understanding -" "- not in THIS political climate, brother dear." "- how inconspicuous can a jet-black ferret BE?" "'Lo, Fred, George. Missing a new pet?" "Gerrof, Ronald, can't you see we're -" Fred Weasley snarked over his shoulder, until he saw what was curled in his younger brother's arms. George caught a glimpse of Fred going pale, and turned around as the rest of their fellow fifth-year Gryffindor classmates headed for the dinner line. To the twins' horror, Ron was standing before them with a smug look on his face. Holding a very ... tetchy-looking ... black ferret in his arms. A ferret smoking a cigarette, and hissing rather impressively around said cigarette. Harry and a rather angry-looking Hermione were standing some distance off, with that rather shapely Pryde woman from Excalibur, and her *giggling* purple dragon, watching the scene. Harry just gave Fred and George a friendly little smile, but they didn't find much sympathy in Hermione's face. "Ron. Brother - what a fascinating new pet you've found. Finally replaced Scabbers, have you?" Fred asked, laughing nervously. "Oh, Scabbers's getting on all right. But I was wondering if you could help me with this ferret - bit of a smoking habit, he's got. And what with Charlie and Bill overseas and all, I thought my other big brothers could help me - well, not Percy, he's too busy being a git," Ron said *far* too innocently. The twins knew they were in trouble, but they were gathering a crowd; if they didn't deal with this quickly - "Give me that, you little toerag. Not a word of this - where'd you find him?" George hissed in Ron's ear, threatening dire fates just by his tone. "A better question would be, *Master* Weasley, where did you find a Transfiguration Spell which resisted the Headmaster's reversal efforts?" Fred's blood went cold as he and George turned around - slowly - to see the front doors open - that voice had terrified them, even heard second-hand over Wizarding Radio after her interview following her bust of a ring of renegade gillywater smugglers - - and a vision in black leather pants, leather jacket and a mild-weather over-robe strode in, her eyes hidden behind black sunglasses and her wand at the ready. That, and the Auror's badge pinned to her jacket ... and the enraged Professor McGonagall tromping behind her ... "Bloody. HELL," George whimpered - "Merlin's beard," Fred wheezed - Auror F-66 had arrived. "ROMANY WISDOM ..." Fred and George sobbed together, as she removed her sunglasses, replaced them with spectacles, and took the disgusted-looking ferret from the now-grinning Ron. "You really have stepped in the deep end this time, haven't you, little brother?" Romany sighed as she examined the ferret and glanced at the horror-struck Weasleys. "Your -?" George gasped. "BROTHER -?" Fred finished. "My brother. Who, luckily for you, seems to have had his mutant power of heat projection dampened by his illegal Transfiguration. I suppose you placed a Resistance Charm in the spell matrix to counteract Finite Incantatem?" the legendary Auror Wisdom said in a dangerously cold tone, stroking the now-hissing ferret. "Ah - we were just testing a new - product - ma'am -" Fred began. "We had no idea your - brother - was here -" George pleaded, his eyes darting left and right - did Ron HAVE to chuckle quite so loudly? "The counterspell, please. And I may let you off with just a warning - let it never be said that Peter was necessarily undeserving of becoming a ferret," Romany said, looking down with bemusement at the yowling "ferret" in her arms. Fred and George produced their wands, and blurted, "Nix Ferretus Ad Hominem!" - - and they leapt backwards as a snarling, *tall* man with black hair, a business suit, and red-glowing hands appeared between them and Romany. "YOU offered a bloke a cig, and YOU ENSORCELLED IT!? THAT'S BLOODY LOW!" Pete roared, making the Weasley twins step back with each bitten-off word. "But - we didn't KNOW -" Fred tried to explain. "THE DRAGON LAUGHED AT ME! THAT PONCY LITTLE PURPLE RAT *LAUGHED* AT ME!" "Perhaps a discount -?" George offered. "I HAD *FURBALLS*!" Fred and George shivered as they walked backwards into the wall, but Pete finally closed his eyes, seemed to count to 10, and let Kitty take him by the arm. She whispered in his ear, then gestured at the still-open front door, and Pete ... *blanched.* "Bloody hell, Pryde, I don't want them to suffer. Just have a bit more respect for us poor Muggles," Pete said, almost sounding ... sympathetic? "It's the price they pay for not listening to Ministry rules, Peter. Now, come and let me enjoy the mocking you've yet to receive," Romany teased, as she and Kitty walked Pete into the Great Hall, Lockheed snickering merrily behind them. "What punishment could he mean?" Fred asked George, before they looked at Ron. Ron suddenly looked like he had an urgent appointment, and said, "Er - dinner - oy, Harry, Hermione!" "Ronald - don't LEAVE us ..." George moaned, as the sea of Hogwarts students who'd gathered to watch the display suddenly parted ... but when Professor McGonagall approached with her usual stern look, she just shook her head and said, "Auror Wisdom pleaded for me to be lenient - the 'follies of youth,' she said. As Head of House, I should set an example ... but there is another who asked to be the agent of your punishment." She whirled on her heels, and headed into the Great Hall, her departure revealing who was waiting behind her with an implacable expression of rage. Fred and George's jaws dropped as their mother stood, just *staring.* "So you want to learn about advanced Transfigurations, DO YOU?" Molly Weasley said, in a dangerously cold tone, as the twins' older brother Percy watched insufferably from over her shoulder. "Mum -" Fred tried to laugh - "DON'T YOU 'MUM' ME! THIS IS HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE EMBARRASSED YOUR FATHER AND ME!?AND WITH THAT MADMAN BLACK ON THE LOOSE!" Molly shrieked, scattering even the few Slytherin students remaining to savor the twins' comeuppance. Fred and George tried to shrink against the stone, especially when their mother got a mad glint in her eye. "The TEACHERS can't issue Transfigurations as punishments ... oh, no. But I'm no teacher, now AM I ...?" "MUM!?" "er, Mother - maybe this IS a bit much, even for these two rogues -" "Percy, PLEASE - MORPHAE VULPAE AD HOMINEM!" "PROTEGO -!" ---------------------------------------- 9/8/2006: ---------------------------------------- Pete and Romany roughly hugged; she had an appointment to speak to her fellow Ravenclaws about silent spellcasting, and he had loudly told anyone within earshot that he wanted nothing to do with Hogwarts again. As he helped Noel lift his trunk on-board the Midnight Runner, Pete looked over at where Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking to class, accompanied by a younger red-haired girl. "Must be Ginny - Illyana told me about the Weasleys last night," Kitty said from the open hatch. "At least the younger bunch seem all right. Ever hear what happened to their barmy older brothers?" Pete groused, motioning the awestruck Noel to find a seat. His blood chilled when he saw a red fox, panting, as it lugged bags full of spellbooks and other items behind Ginny, followed closely by a scowling Mrs. Weasley as her voice carried across the yard ... "... can't IMAGINE how those two got away - poor Percy, it'll wear off soon - by Merlin's beard, if I catch them, so HELP me -" "But - Percy's the Head Boy -!" Noel said, fighting back an attack of the giggles as Kitty started the pre-flight sequence. "Right barmy, the lot o'ye," Pete muttered underneath his breath. He pushed Lockheed out of the co-pilot's seat, ignoring the flying rat's snickers, and sat down - - only to jump up with a yelp as he sat on some kind of box. Pete glanced at Kitty, who shrugged, and he growled as he unwrapped it. A card fell out, and Pete opened it - carefully - before he started to grin: Dear Mr. Wisdom - Please accept this gratuity for being such a good sport about our little misunderstanding. We hope it will help you with your unwanted ... pet problem. Apologetically, Frederick and George Weasley, Esq. The box read, "Weasleys' Shifting Serpentarium Dragon Treats - Guaranteed to Change your Draconian Friend's Ways for the Day!" Pete's grin grew into an evil smirk as he looked over his shoulder at Lockheed and asked, "Oy, rat - want a snack ?" ----------------------------------------------- tbc ... ? -----------------------------------------------