Subject: [OTL]: (alt. Pryde/Wisdom) The Git, The Bird and the Wanker (PG-13) Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 21:27:02 -0700 From: Phil Hartman The Git, The Bird and The Wanker by Phil Hartman DISCLAIMER: They're all Marvel's, except for the kids at the end (hint. Hint >) No money is being made off of this. Please don't sue. NOTE: One of the untold stories of my Academia arc ... for Luba and all the rest, you know who you are ;) -------------------------------------------------------- 7/5/92: Braddock Lighthouse, England: 09:00 hrs local: -------------------------------------------------------- She crushed another empty packing box in her hands, trembling with rage, grief and a sudden urge to beat something large and shiny into rubble. "'Oh, no, Katya, I won't do anything stupid,'" Kitty Pryde snarled, ignoring the tears pouring down her face. "Like I'm still 13 and he's still 16 ... like ..." She collapsed on her new bed, cursing at the effort it took to remain solid - #I WILL castrate Harpoon, preferably slowly,# Kitty thought - and let her dragon fly to her, rubbing the small purple head as Lockheed cooed and hugged her. "We broke up," Kitty whispered to her "pet." "He boinks an alien healer, I get goo-goo eyed over Doug Ramsey, we move on with our lives. But then, Piotr goes off to Dallas, and ..." She sobbed, clinging to Lockheed. "Why the hell do I LOVE that overgrown tin can !?" the young woman moaned, feeling dragon spit mix with her tears. "Ororo, my 'mother.' Logan, my 'father.' Stevie, my teacher and friend. All of them gone ... but I miss Piotr, my ex-boyfriend, most of all. Why, Lockheed ?" "Luv," the dragon cooed. Kitty curled up with him, and let the sobs continue. -------------------------------------------------------- "And you would be ... ?" "In my worst sodding nightmare," the 21-year-old Black Air agent wheezed, trying very hard not to light on fire the elf sitting on his chest. "That makes two of us," Brian Braddock snorted derisively as Pete Wisdom found his feet, ignoring Kurt Wagner's apologetic expression. Pete regarded Amanda Sefton and the faerie Meggan with a mildly interested air, then looked at Kurt. "Pete Wisdom," the young man muttered. "I'm y'r contact with the Crown - in both senses. They feel havin' ex-X-Men on British soil requires a watchdog." "And you would be qualified how ?" Kurt and Amanda traded a worried look as Kitty phased downstairs, Lockheed on her shoulders and a cold look in her eyes. "Five years trainin' in some of the worst hellholes ever to offend MI5, girl," Pete snorted. "Interestin' fashion accessory - BLUIDY 'ELL !" Kurt tried very hard not to snicker as Lockheed gave Kitty an innocent look. "No, you can't char-broil him," Kitty told her friend. She looked at Wisdom with much the same regard she gave a bug-riddled piece of programming and said, "6 a.m. Exercise program. Either you keep up with us or I'll force Dai Thomas to send us someone we can actually use, instead of some drunken sot." "I beg your pardon !" Wisdom yelled angrily as Kitty air-walked back to her room. "I'm only half-drunk !" -------------------------------------------------------- 1993: -------------------------------------------------------- #If we EVER get out of this,# Pete thought, incinerating another demon, #I'm gonna bluidy well burn every bluidy horror film I can.# "What's the matter, Wisdom, the loincloth too tight ?" Kitty challenged her teammate, carving a path to the screaming Illyana through Times Square. "New York in demon season. The fashions're cuttin' off my reproductive likelihood, an' your 'soulmate' is threatenin' to let her pets eat the bluidy citizenry," Pete growled. He gave Kitty's pert behind another glance and thought, #Not that there ain't some benefits to skimpy clothing -# "ILLYANA !?" The demons, the Soulsword in Kitty's hands, and the white-glowing demon-girl just feet away all disappeared. "No - nonono - DAMNIT !" Kitty snarled, rifling through the ashes of where Illyana had stood. "She's - damnit, DAMNIT, Wisdom, she was my best friend, she'd suffered enough -" Pete adjusted his restored Armani suit and knelt beside Kitty, seeing one tear roll down her cheek. "Look, Pryde ... I -" he mumbled. She grabbed him, sobbing, and he slowly put an arm around her. -------------------------------------------------------- 1994: -------------------------------------------------------- "... if you EVER pull a stunt like this again - !" "I was an idiot. Does that help ?" Ororo Munroe said with an expression which Wisdom thoroughly disbelieved. Kitty rolled her eyes and hugged her friend, fighting back tears of joy as she watched Brian and Betsy chatting and laughing. "Well, it can't hurt, even if the idiot part is harsh," Kitty told Ororo. "You remember Brian, and Meggan, from the New Mutants' old days - and this is Pete Wisdom." "Mr. Wisdom," Ororo said as Pete stood - #bluidy hell, the temperature's LITERALLY dropped,# the Englishman realized - and took her hand as if he were holding a dead fish. "Pete and I have been ... seeing each other," Kitty told Ororo, giving Pete a "please-don't-be-yourself" look. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance," Pete tried to say. Ororo released his hand and said, sharply, "Kitty is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, Mr. Wisdom. I, regretfully, cannot say it is a pleasure meeting you." "ORORO !" Kitty exclaimed, anger and pain mixing in her eyes. She shook, but winced when Pete launched himself in Ororo's face. "Let's get one bluidy thing straight, Ms. 'I'm-Dead-And-My-Spiritual-Daughter-Can-Go-Hang,'" Wisdom snarled. "YOU stepped out into bluidy Australia two years ago, without so much as a bluidy post to Kitty or the elf saying 'sorry, we're alive, but we're hiding, pardon the wanker-treatment.' Kitty IS an adult, she's bluidy well smarter than you'll ever be, and if you hurt her I'll bluidy well shove that sodding tiara so far up your tight proper X-Man rear that you'll be coughing up lockpicks !" Kitty closed her eyes, sniffing for telltale ozone. And Ororo ... ... smiled. "I think," she chuckled, "Kitty will never want for love from you. And that is all I can ask for my kitten's future." She walked away, leaving Kitty to look at Pete with something close to astonishment. "Well, she was bluidy well insinuatin' you're an idiot," Pete said off-handedly. "And we both well you're not. An idiot." "Of course," Kitty added, letting Lockheed curl up on her shoulders. She slipped her hand in Pete's and began to smile, saying, "I know this little bar ..." -------------------------------------------------------- 1995: -------------------------------------------------------- "... ah can't believe -" "If you can, like, not freak out over Ric an' Shatty doin' the horizontal dance, you can handle the Kitstress an' the Cigarette God tying the knot," Tabitha Guthrie snickered at her husband from the front row of St. Searle's Cathedral. Sam tried not to smile as Pete rushed forward, finding his place beside his best man. "D'I look all right ?" he asked. "Peter, you look fine," Jardine said, rolling his eyes. "I'm just concerned about -" The music started, and "awww"s rolled through the church as Rachel and Nathan Summers walked down the aisle. Ray distributed rose petals with a beatific smile, while Nate focused on the ringbearer's pillow he was carrying with utter intensity. Jean smiled at her children, nodding as they moved to the opposite sides of the wedding party, and sniffed back a tear as Ororo - the "mother" of the bride - walked up on Forge's arm. The maid of honor approached, grinning at her groomsman with what could charitably be called a "wolfish" expression. Doug winked at Rahne as they separated, and the wedding march picked up. Pete fought back a sudden urge to drop his jaw, settling for what he feared would be an incredibly stupid grin as Kitty entered on Logan's arm. The dress was simple, but it accentuated her every curve. Kay Cera, sitting with a bunch of late-comers calling themselves "Destine" - right next to Brian, Meggan and Betsy - smiled propieterily, clapping her hands when Logan gave Pete Kitty's hand. Logan kissed Kitty's cheek, then gave Pete one of those "hurt-her-and-I'll-shove-Ororo's-tiara-up-YOUR-butt" looks, and sat down on the other side of Jean. Kitty bit her lip to avoid giggling at the discomfort Scott was having - #Bad Kitty ! RROW !# part of her mind thought - and she looked at Pete with a growing smile. "Gah," Pete said, drooling. -------------------------------------------------------- 11/15/2000: X-Mansion: 08:00 hrs EST: -------------------------------------------------------- "Twins." "Twins," Kitty said, pushing the coffee away from herself regretfully. "Boy and a girl, Hank said." Pete leaned on his elbows, watching Kitty play with two-week-old Aidan Richards in her arms, and said, "Think they'll get along with that little sod at all ?" "Pete ! Behave," Kitty playfully reprimanded her husband. "Aid's a sweet baby. You'd never suspect Sinister vat-grew him from Frank and Rachel's DNA." "13. Too bluidy young to be parents, even if they didn't shag t'summon the stork," Pete muttered, fighting the urge to pull out his cigarettes. "I have faith," Kitty said, making a silly face at Aidan. "If Frank could destroy the Celestials and Ray can keep the Phoenix under control, this little guy'll turn out OK. And so will our kids." "Bllrrt," the red-fuzz-headed baby said. "Well, then," Pete said, snorting at Aidan, "y'r the one with the gods for parents. I suppose you've got some great bluidy wisdom for us." "I already had that two months ago, and look where it got us," Kitty grinned evilly. Pete grinned back. "Well," he said proudly, "a little Wisdom goes good with Pryde." -------------------------------------------------------- The Wisdoms return in Academia Book 3: Warhost, while Aidan's tale continues in Academia Book 2: Xenogen, coming soon ... --------------------------------------------------------