Subject: [OTL]: (alt. X-Men) Kicking the Cat Out (PG-15; humor) Date: Sat, 6 Mar 2004 19:19:31 -0800 (PST) From: Phil Hartman will1@earthling.net Kicking the Cat Out by Phil Hartman DISCLAIMER: They're all Marvel's. No money is being made off of this. It's all fiction. Etc. NOTE: The fifth in a series of stories, all of which Luba Kmetyk has kindly archived at Fonts of Wisdom, and which include Riot Watch, BETWEEN, and The Leftover War. It's an alternate X-present, where things have gone much better than in canon (IMO). TIMEFRAME: New X-Men 114/Extreme X-Men ... and it diverges wildly therefrom ;) ------------------------------------------------------- Spain: ------------------------------------------------------- No, it wasn't going well at all, actually. #Well, Braddock, welcome to the end of your life,# Betsy Braddock - ninjafied ex-telepath-turned-telekinetic-and-shadow-wielder, and current member of the Extreme X-Men - thought as she looked up from where she'd sprawled. She was barely able to move, having been beaten rather badly by a new (and rather cliched, Betsy thought bitterly) foe - a trenchcoat-wearing maniac with long hair and a big sword, calling himself Vargas. He'd beaten the Beast to a pulp, and had been about to kill Rogue, when Betsy had intervened. She wasn't sure that had been wise. "Any last words, my worthy foe?" Vargas said, lifting his sword. "Da, pig. You are a poor ripoff of Gambit and a pathetic plot device." Betsy's eyes bulged when a steel fist struck Vargas directly in the face and sent him flying across the bloodied control room. The so-called "response of evolution to mutants" slammed into the far wall, then slumped, unconscious, with a far-uglier face than he'd had an instant before. "Elizabeth?" Piotr Rasputin - #or a damn good-looking replica,# Betsy thought through her haze of pain and surprise - said, kneeling by her side. "Piotr. You're dead. Or you were dead. Tell me this is what I think it is," Betsy breathed, letting Colossus pick her up. His smile, and the accompanying burst of energy as he morphed back to human, were all the confirmation she needed. ------------------------------------------------------- "'Action Force' ? ACKKK !!" "Well, they seemed to think it was a good name," Lucas Bishop grumbled as he followed Storm, Sage and Neal Shaara out of the Spanish fast-reaction team's underground maze. The X-Men stopped - with Bishop running into Neal's back and nearly bowling over the Indian X-Man - at the sight of who was carrying a bloodied Psylocke towards them. "Piotr ... !?" Ororo gasped, running to hug her "little brother." She looked at him, then Betsy, and winced at the sight of Rogue tending to the Beast's wounds. "He needs help, 'Ro. That Vargas jerk hit him bad," Rogue called. She flinched when the room filled with gun-wielding Spaniards. Who then flinched as a fiery shape filled the room, and a mental shout snarled: ~Drop the guns, and you won't get your asses kicked.~ "RACHEL !?" Ororo exclaimed, beaming when the Phoenix Force dropped the reunified Excalibur off in the center of the room. Kitty Pryde and Lockheed ran to hug Ororo, while Brian and Meggan Braddock raced to check on Betsy. "Thank you, Piotr - and weren't you dead ?" Captain Britain asked, giving Piotr a wry smile. "Thank Illyana - it is a long story, tovarisch. We should get Elizabeth and Henry back to Muir so that Moira can attend to them," Piotr suggested. The "Extreme X-Men" looked at Piotr in even greater shock. "Trust me. Karma - not Shan, but the bigger Karma - OK, even bigger than when Shan was possessed by the Shadow King - is finally working for us," Kitty tried to laugh. Ororo returned her "daughter's" smile as Rachel gathered them all up. "I would be delighted to hear of how karma is turning our way," the ex-goddess asked. ------------------------------------------------------- "OK. Pete turned up at Piotr's grave and explained what a total jerk he'd been - Pete, not Piotr. So, we decided to visit Magnus in Genosha to see how he'd been doing, but then we found Lorna there and it turned out Exodus had been screwing with the X-Men's heads during that whole stupid 'fill-in' X-Men fiasco ..." "SO, Lockheed - he's alive - showed up and scorched Exodus. We were happily reunited, and then Alex Summers popped out of a transportal, and he and Lorna are back together. "After that, we came back to America, and Pete tracked down X-Force - the real ones, not those freaks from reality TV - and apologized. That was when Rachel - Cable rescued her from the future - showed up with Doug and Warlock - 'Douglock' split up - and we started putting Excalibur back together with X-Force. "MEANWHILE, Alex and Lorna were rudely awakened when Guido, Lila Cheney and Jamie Madrox popped up, and they reformed X-Factor. While that was happening, Synch from Gen X came back to life, and the kids went on a road trip until Amanda yanked them, X-Factor, X-Force and Excalibur back into Limbo. "It turns out the Soulsword had Illyana and Piotr's souls in it, and we all gave a little lifeforce to free them. That's why Piotr's alive. The really, really great news is that Illyana was even able to free Moira's soul from Rahne's heart and restore her body, and Rahne's powers. Rahne, Dani and Shan rejoined X-Force, as did Amara, Roberto, Rictor and Shatterstar. "SO, that's what I've been doing. Now, how in the HELL did you guys pick the name 'Extreme' for your team of X-Men?" Kitty demanded from across the table. Ororo was too busy giggling joyously to answer for a few moments. Then Kitty started laughing and crying at the same time, and nobody got a word in edgewise for a long time. But that was OK, for once. ------------------------------------------------------- BEEP BEEP "Ow. Owowow. Why do I feel like I was hit by a truck?" "You were. Then Piotr hit the truck," Moira MacTaggart told Hank McCoy. The Beast looked at his fellow doctor and long-time friend with widening blue eyes, then sat bolt-upright in bed. "Aye, Hank. T'is a long story, but I'm back, as is Piotr, an' many others. Ye hae Illyana t'thank, but f'r now, ye need t'rest," Moira insisted. "Yes, doctor. And welcome back, by the way," Hank said, managing a smile. He managed an even bigger smile when the windows trembled at a tenor shout of "ACCUSHLA!" from the hall. "Sean ... ?" Moira breathed, watching Sean Cassidy race towards her with a huge smile. "Yui're alive. Saints in heaven - Peter? Lad? T'is ye, also?" Banshee whispered as he saw Piotr walk out of the game room of the Muir Island complex. "Sean! My old friend, how are you? We saw Generation X - they are well-meaning young ones, if a bit loud. Then again, Jubilee is among them, so that is to be expect -OOF," Piotr wheezed as Sean bear-hugged him and Moira. "An' I'm s'posed t'be the noisy one," Sean laughed as he clung to Moira for a long moment. ------------------------------------------------------- "Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters - Sage? How is my favorite human computer?" "Er ... fine ..." Sage said, raising an eyebrow at the cat-snouted, blue-furred being visible on the main monitor at Muir Island. "You must be a new addition to the X-Men ..." "What, me? My deliciously dictionarily-minded damsel, it is I, the Beast!" the blue-cat being said, tilting its head and smiling in a rather predacious manner. "Er ... yes. I'll call you back, Henry," Sage replied, cutting the comlink. She looked over her shoulder at where the X-Treme Beast had hobbled in on crutches with Sean and Moira's assistance. "Oh my stars and garters. There's a psuedo-Beast at the mansion," Hank breathed. "I fear the worst. The X-Men's near-killing of Magneto was bad enough, but this false Beast is confirmation. Something is terribly wrong at home. We must put aside the quest for Destiny's diaries and find out what is happening at the mansion," Ororo said from where she had been watching Sage talk. "Agreed. I suggest we gather Colossus, Thunderbird, Bishop, Rogue, myself, and you, and head back at once. Excalibur and Banshee should remain here with Beast and Psylocke as backup," Sage advised. "I'm not bloody well sitting on my arse while God knows what happens to Warren and the X-Men," Betsy said angrily, appearing from one of the shadows. Neal looked at Betsy with a hurt expression from behind Ororo, but she smiled gently at him and added, "I'm sorry, Neal. But I ... you're the rebound boyfriend. I've been terribly unfair to you, and that needs to end." "I ... understand. Maybe I should stay here, instead. Ororo, I wish you and the others Vishnu's blessings. Maybe as a member of Excalibur, I can help provide more of that worldwide aspect the team was looking for," Neal suggested. Ororo nodded, then hugged Neal for a moment. "You are always welcome among our numbers, Neal. Thank you for your time with us. As for you, Elizabeth - of course you can come with us. I just hope you'll be all right," she said, giving Betsy a worried glance. "I think a little katana practice will make things better," Betsy chuckled darkly. "And don't even think of leaving without me, Ororo. If that feline falsehood is who I think it is, I want to exact my own version of X-orcism upon the infernal imposter," Hank growled. ------------------------------------------------------- X-Mansion: ------------------------------------------------------- #Perfect. Sage is confused, and Xavier has no idea who I am ...# The "Beast" - who had explained his odd change in appearance upon a "secondary mutation" - chuckled under his breath as he headed to check on Xavier and Jean Summers. It seemed simple enough, really - - K-POW! "OK. I don't know who you are, or what you want, but you're not Hank," a familiar and annoying voice spat from above where the sucker-punched "Beast" was laying on the floor of the War Room. "Robert, I have no idea what you're talking about," the "Beast" replied in a hurt tone. #Just a little closer, fool,# the imposter thought, fighting the urge to disembowel Robert Drake as the Iceman loomed over him. Bobby pointed across the room with a growing look of outrage. The "Beast" looked over at where Bobby was pointing, and saw an unwrapped Twinkie. "The real Hank would've devoured that the instant he saw it. I know Hank McCoy, mister, and you're no Hank McCoy!" Bobby spat, tears coming to his eyes. "Finally. The human icebox grows a brain," the "Beast" chuckled darkly as he got to his feet. "You're right, Drake. I'm not your Henry McCoy. He'd never have the strength to mutate himself into a true predator's form ... or to resist those filthy snack cakes and their decadent filling. Tremble, Robert Drake, for I am -" CRACK "The Dark Beast, yes, we know. Spare me, you litter-box refugee," Bobby heard a rather shiny woman in revealing clothing say from behind the now falling Dark Beast. "Emma?" Bobby asked, raising an eyebrow as Emma Frost resumed her human form. "Yes, Robert. I ... answered for what I did to Adrienne, and I've been released to Xavier's custody. Oddly, I had a bizarre urge earlier to seduce Scott Summers, but now that I'm back in your presence, I know the real man of the house," Emma said in a husky voice. Bobby's jaw dropped with Emma's trenchcoat. "You. Me. The medlab. NOW, Drake," Emma breathed into Bobby's ear. "Let the Phoenix have Angst Boy. I want my snowcone maker back." ------------------------------------------------------- "Oh, thank God. Bobby found Emma before she came back here ... and the Dark Beast was imitating Hank AGAIN!?" Scott Summers looked up from his book, "I Was A Possession Victim," and raised an eyebrow at his wife. "I thought the whole cat-snout thing seemed a little weird," Scott pondered as Jean sat on the couch next to him. "As is your being all walled up again. Scott ... what's really bothering you? You've been back from Apocalypse's possession for months. Please, talk to me," Jean said, snuggling into Scott's arms. "I ... Jean ... oh, I'll say it: I have performance anxiety. I mean, being possessed by an Egyptian maniac for a year doesn't do much for the - ahem - er -" Scott began, blushing. ~Oh. Really? Well, let's test that theory,~ Jean sent as she grabbed for Scott's collar and kissed him deeply. Their doubts vanished a few moments later. ------------------------------------------------------- #Well ... that's a positive ... I think ... OW ... head - HURTS - where's MY lovin'?# Charles Xavier pouted as he sat before Cerebra - which was looking rather like a large sauna, and that was bothering him - while Warren Worthingon the Third finished locking up the Dark Beast. "Well, sir, I - COLOSSUS !?" Warren yelped as the shadows parted to admit the "Extreme X-Men" into the War Room. "Warren! Professor! I am glad to see you both - ah, good. You have divined that the cat-Beast is not the true Beast. I promise to explain why I am alive, as soon as we determine why you all have been acting so oddly," Piotr said with a big smile. "Why WE - you're the one who's - MMMPH!?" Warren exclaimed as Betsy tackled and kissed him. "Not serious enough, Worthington? I'll show YOU who's serious!?" Psylocke laughed maniacally, dragging Warren through the shadows to who knew where. "You do have a point, Piotr - and welcome home, by the way. Things have been rather ... disjointed ... for some time. Our actions in Genosha were positively frightening, now that I think about it," Xavier pondered as he squinted. "Kitty explained that it was Exodus' doing, Professor. She and Peter Wisdom send their regards - Excalibur has reformed, as well. Rachel Summers is alive, and I wish to tell Scott and Jean the news," Ororo interjected. Xavier turned red and said, "You might want to wait, Ororo ... they're busy. As, I believe, are Robert and Emma." "And now Warren and Betsy - AHA! The Dark Beast! An uneaten Twinkie proves he's not me - MMMM ... Twinkie," Hank drooled, lunging for the Twinkie. "It really is you, Henry. I'm sorry ... things are getting very happy, but I still wonder why we even charged into Genosha in the first place. And why did Exodus suddenly begin to manipulate Magneto, and then us," Xavier said, frowning. "Because, my foolish brother, I used the imbecilic maniac to distract you all." The X-Men turned - except for Hank, who was in post-Twinkie bliss - to see a bald-headed woman in safari gear appeared from thin air. "Cassandra!" Xavier blurted. "'Brother'?" the Extreme X-Men gasped. "My evil twin sister. Trust me, it's as ridiculous as it sounds," Xavier sighed. "I am Cassandra Nova Xavier, Charles Xavier's evil twin sister - wait, he stole my thunder. You always were hogging the spotlight," Cassandra pouted. "Hog THIS, skank!" Cassandra shrieked when a bolt of energy slammed into her from behind, dropping her across the unconscious Dark Beast. Dazzler walked into the lab with a disgusted look and said, "Karaoke wasn't working out, so I decided to come back and I find a plot device hogging the air - PETER! ohmyGOD, you're alive!" "Hello, Alison. Perhaps we can finally get back to something approaching normal, Godspotin Xavier?" Piotr said as he returned Alison Blaire's hug. "Yes, but ... we're still missing a few X-Men," Xavier said, steepling his fingers. "Not for long, Prof," Rogue said as she checked the main scanner array and smiled. "Ah got a few pickups t'make at Harry's ..." ------------------------------------------------------- "Rock." "Paper." "Scissors." "Rock -" "Paper." "Mon dieu! Stuck wit' de bar tab AGAIN!?" "Deal with it, Cajun," Logan snorted as he motioned for a waitress to approach the table where he and Remy LeBeau were sitting and drinking in Harry's Hideaway. "It's not that bad, Gambit. I could charge it on the Mojoworld expense account if you're short on cash," Longshot said helpfully from beside Wolverine. "Save de money, mon ami. You gon' need it f'r de flowers you gonna need t'placate Dazzler when she find out you alive," Remy chuckled. "I know ... I just wanted a vacation. I never meant to hurt Alison's feelings," Longshot said. "Y'faked y'r own assassination, boy. That kind of thing don't exactly go over well with ladies," Logan sniffed. "I didn't 'fake' anything, Wolverine! Those odd X-Babies attacked, and I teleported away, only to find that Alison thought I was dead! I came here looking for her, and the next thing I know, she's on the vid looking horrified as you stab Magneto," Longshot said in an annoyed tone. "I know. Damn Exodus - Kitty got ahold of me. Sounds like we got some good news I need t'share with you -" Logan began. "Tovarisches!" Longshot dodged the beer-spit Remy projected his way as Piotr and Rogue ran to the table. "Sorry I didn't tell ya sooner - hey, Russkie," Logan said, returning Piotr's handshake. "Remy, ah've been totally paranoid an' possessive. Ya should've been able t'join us if ya wanted to - HEY!?" Rogue yelped when Gambit pulled her onto his lap. "Dat all in de past, ma cherie. Better jus' knowin' you're back - an' how did Petey d'ere come back, too?" Remy asked with a growing smile. "Let us come back to the mansion and speak of many things. That is, if we can keep various couples from ... er ..." Piotr said, blushing. "We gotta find you a woman," Logan laughed as they left Harry's. ------------------------------------------------------- finis ... ?