Subject: [OTL]: (alt. X-Men) Night Owls (PG-13; sillyfic) Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 22:01:15 -0700 From: Phil Hartman will1@earthling.net Night Owls by Phil Hartman DISCLAIMER: Everyone here is Marvel's. No money is being made off of this. Please don't sue. NOTE: Technically part of my Academia Arc - I thought I'd challenge myself and actually write about - GASP ! - adult mutants ! Shocking ! (Hey, I read last year's CBFFA's ;) -------------------------------------------------------- 10/26/00: X-Mansion: 18:50 hrs EST: -------------------------------------------------------- "You're serious," Scott Summers sighed to his wife. "Scott, they're - mostly - 13. What could POSSIBLY happen ?" Jean tried to reassure her soulmate as they waited in the front foyer. "They've ruined Graydon Creed's presidential campaign, kept Magneto from going back on the warpath, and Rachel's tamed the Phoenix Force. The New Mutants can handle themselves alone for one night." "And I am not going out," Xavier said, approaching in his hoverchair with a faint smile. "I assure you, Scott, the New Mutants are in good hands." "I trust you, sir - and my kids - and even most of the other New Mutants," Scott said, meeting his daughter's gaze as she peered down from the top of the stairs. "ONE trip into the solar system and he gets overprotective ... Daddy, go. Have a good time, OK ?" Rachel called, smiling. "Yeah, Dad - we'll be OK," Nate said, peeking around Ray's side as he fought with something. "Gimme that, Puppy - FRANK ! Y'r dog's eating my homework !" Scott and Jean traded a look, then nodded. "I'll get the minivan," Jean said. "And I'll round up the others," Scott said. -------------------------------------------------------- "No." "You're not sitting on this roof," Neal Shaara insisted, glaring at Remy LeBeau. "Miya is going. Japheth is going. Dr. McCoy is going - Vishnu's neck, the other Dr. McCoy is going, and he never goes out." "He be a pere," Gambit muttered. "Oh, Kali's tongue !" Thunderbird groused. "You're pouting, Remy. Just because Rogue got her husband back and moved out, you're pouting." "I don' pout. I mellow," Remy growled. "Go 'way, T-Bird." "I'm the team cheerleader. If I don't make you go, I look stupid," Neal demanded. "Y'look stupid NOW, floatin' in a bunch a'burnin' plasma in red an' yellow spandex," Remy mumbled. "If I go, y'promise t'get changed ?" "Well, the plasma might stay if I get drunk enough," Neal said, smiling as he flew Remy down to the ground. "We c'n hope," Remy sighed. -------------------------------------------------------- "Miya, you're a lifesaver," Jean grinned at the newest X-Man. "It's a talent," Miya Takashi - the Japanese former slave of a Russian mafioso - beamed as she finished drawing a set of keys on her notepad. The keys appeared in Jean's hand, and she opened the SUV to let "Sketch" get in. "Besides, since beer's not a living material, I could just draw us enough to get incredibly drunk on," Miya offered, watching as Remy, Neal, Scott, Hank and Cecilia climbed into the vehicle. "Chere, y'got one great power, but dere ain't no substitute f'r real beer," Remy said with a flourish of his hand. "Man has a point," Cecilia admitted. "Who's our DD tonight ?" A knock at the window made Hank roll it down, and he smiled as Bobby peered in with Ororo, Logan, Warren, Betsy, and Piotr behind him. "I lost rock-paper-scissors, Hank," Iceman whimpered. "Y'r codename's Iceman, punk, not 'Beer-Man,'" Logan rumbled. "Now git'cher butt in that other SUV's driver's seat, an' git ready f'r root beer city." "Remy stole my copy of that," Bobby sighed, leading the others to the other SUV. Jean gunned the first SUV as its occupants looked at Remy. "Hey, good porn be hard t'find, oui ?" Remy said innocently. "I do NOT want an answer to that question," Cecilia groaned. -------------------------------------------------------- "She flew. Using the Phoenix. Through the solar system. In a swimsuit. With Franklin Richards." "Kid's lark," Logan grunted to Scott as they watched the others setting up a game of pool in Harry's Hideaway. "Look at it this way, Slim - if they'd wanted t'shag that bad, they'd'a done it by now. Y'r lucky Ray's as mature as she is. An' Frank was raised in a good household. He respects women." "'Shag.' Oh, thank you for ANOTHER great mental image, Logan," Cecilia muttered. "I hate that movie." "I believe the one you refer to, dearest wife, is 'Shaft,'" Hank said, breaking the balls. "It wasn't that bad," Bobby said, refilling his glass with ice cubes. "Samuel L. Jackson is a good actor." "If the subject material was not so stereotypical in the first place ..." Ororo breathed, glancing at the door every now and again. "Expecting someone ?" Jean asked her friend with a smile. Ororo returned the smile and said, "Lewis and Luna's revelation of their feelings for one another prompted me to ... re-examine some of mine." "Forge ? That's a surprise," Warren said, sinking the 14-ball. "Why ? You and I got back together time and again," Betsy said, massaging a part of Warren's anatomy as he sent the 15-ball flying. "Yesss ... but we've been through roller-coaster city," Warren said, turning an interesting shade of purple, letting Betsy lead him outside. "They're done f'r the evenin'," Logan chuckled, taking Warren's pool cue. "Bets's shadow control's pretty formidable ... funny things she can do with that an' her tepe ..." "Wicked little man," Jean snickered, kissing Scott's lips hard. "Makes me want to ponder such things with you." "We have two 'things' already, Jean," Scott smiled. "Of course, I'm open to exploration ..." "Not here, not now, guys, OK ? The 'Scott as sap' routine is pretty freaky for some of us," Bobby pleaded, sinking the 2-ball. "Only those of us still stuck in the past, Bobbert ol'buddy ol' pal o'mine," Hank winked, kissing Cecilia. "OK, so I'm 36 and single and a goof-off ! Maybe ... that's the way it was meant to be ..." Bobby frowned, setting his pool cue down and leaving. "Bobby - !" Hank called, looking at Cecilia with worry. "Go," the "other Dr. McCoy" said, kissing Hank's cheek. "He needs you. A bummed Bobby is a desperate Bobby. Besides, I've been hustling pool halls for longer than I've known you, fuzz-buster." "You be a hustler, chere ?" Remy said, watching Cecilia set up her shot. He blinked when she sank four balls and the cue, then stood defiantly before him. "I got through the Bronx and med school, Cajun," Cecilia grinned, challenge in her eyes. "Pool is a diversion at best." "Den dat be a game dis Cajun want a piece of," Remy grinned back, racking them up. -------------------------------------------------------- He found Bobby leaning against a nearby tree, looking into the fall night sky. "Robert, I didn't mean to -" Hank began. He stopped when Bobby squeezed his shoulder and gave him a weak smile. "You didn't, Blue," the cryotic said, with a tone that nearly wrenched Hank's heart. "I did. I've been the goof forever, while Scott and Jean had kids, and you and Cece adopted Sarah, and Warren met Betsy, and the rest of the X's've moved on. Christ, Hank, I've been doing this for 20 years - my entire adult life - and now that we've actually ACHIEVED something, with Bastion dead and O:ZT two years slagged, and Graydon Creed freaking out on national TV ... I'm the anachronism." Hank blinked, shaking his head, and said, "Was that a five-syllable word I heard ?" Bobby chuckled and said, "Thanks. Am I whining ?" "Yes," Hank said with honest concern. "And I'm glad of it. We'll always be friends, Robert - best friends. Cecilia and Sarah are my family, but you are as well. I always want you to feel free to talk to me." Bobby nodded slowly and walked with Hank, slowly, back to the bar. "So, what's the plan to save me from bachelor-hood this time ?" he asked. "Forget Ororo," Hank said, nodding at where a ponytailed figure strode into the bar. "And Opal -" "Mistake ! Mistake ! Danger, Bob Robinson !" Bobby snickered. "She was nice, but so VERY ..." "Robert, how many girlfriends with cyborg-samurai former boyfriends does it take to get you to realize that you need to expand your dating potentialities ?" Hank pleaded. "Look outside the box." "Very scientific," Bobby grinned. "Empirical evidence should clearly show that your mating potential is inversely proportional to the number of supervillainously-linked ex-girlfriends you possess," Hank warned. "'Supervillainously' ? That is NOT a word." "It is now. Now come on - we are famous media stars, after O:ZT, after all. The hype machine has not died yet, Robert, nor your potential for finding a mate." -------------------------------------------------------- "Ororo," Forge said, meeting Storm at the bar. "Forge," Ororo replied, ordering two beers. "It has been a long time." "Too long," Forge agreed, trying to ignore Remy, Logan and Piotr's eyes boring into him. "Can we ... ?" Ororo grabbed him by the jacket front and kissed him. "There is a booth waiting for us, Maker," Ororo said, smiling, as she grabbed a mineral water and the beers from the bar. "Spirits, woman, you're going to get me drunk and woo me back into your arms ?" Forge chuckled. "Any less than you did, all those years ago ?" Ororo shot back, returning the grin. "Seasons turn, Forge. And I am never one to let that turning be ignored. Or it could just be the beer ... let us find out." -------------------------------------------------------- "'Ro doesn't do anything halfway," Logan said, admiration mixed with a chuckle in his voice as he watched his friend and her ex head for a booth further in the back. "Da. She taught that lesson well to - nyet," Piotr rumbled, looking into his vodka. "I will not wallow in self-pity. Katya has moved on." "Thank flamin' God," Logan snorted. "Wisdom's a hardass, but he's a sappy hardass who loves Kit. Past time ya accepted it, tin man." "I did not say I have moved on, Logan," Piotr replied with a sigh. "I just refuse to let my grief taint Katya's happiness with a man she loves. Besides, there must be someone for us all - I am still artist enough to believe that." "There's always someone who'll stand with ya," Logan smiled, standing to kiss the hand of a redhead who approached. "Ready, 'Tash ?" "Always, Logan," Natasha Romanov beamed. "Dos vydanya, gentlemen." "But - Logan, I thought the Black Widow saw you as an uncle ?" Piotr asked with obvious surprise. "We ain't shackin' up t'gether, Petey," Logan smirked. "We're goin' huntin' this weekend." "GET MOOSE AND SQUIRREL !" Natasha deadpanned. "I always wanted to say that." -------------------------------------------------------- "Is it hot in here, or are you radiating ?" Miya asked, looking into Neal's eyes. "What a come-on !" Thunderbird laughed. "What a woman !" "Silly man. Behave, or I'll draw you in a compromising position," Sketch grinned. "Oh dear," Neal said with mock fear, spinning Miya. "The possibilities ..." "You, chained to a tree, covered with peanut butter, and giant robot squirrels are approaching," Miya grinned again. "That's it. No more anime for you !" Neal mock-cried. "Well, it's a better punishment than that stupid sailor suit you wanted me to wear," Miya laughed. -------------------------------------------------------- "Warren." "MmmMMMmmmm ... Betsy, what's tickling me ?" "Bad tendril ! Bad, BAD tendril !" "Tendril ... ?" "Darkforce. I'll make it go away." "No ... I kind of like it." "Then move your wings a little ... YESSSSS ..." "You've shadow-morphed ?" "I'm multi-talented, Warren. Let me demonstrate." "... whoa. I see ..." "Not for long. Then the fun REALLY starts ..." -------------------------------------------------------- "The new kids have each other. Your wife's beating the Cajun at pool. Jean and Scott are making out. Warren and Betsy've taken over a bush outside. Piotr's moping. Logan bolted with the Black Widow to do a remake of Rocky and Bullwinkle. And Storm's - my God, can she DO that with a bionic hand in public ?" "Robert, stop whining or I'll fix your next DNA scan to show you're the missing Summers brother," Hank said warningly. "Now, what did I tell you ?" "'I'm not the pathetic loser I think I am, no matter how many jokes I play to hide my insecurities,'" Bobby repeated in a bored tone. "Hank - Haaa - aaa ..." Hank did a double-take to see where Bobby was staring. And drooling. And tried not to look. Too closely. "What's a girl gotta do around here to get some service ?" Opal Tanaka asked, leaning against the bar in a skirt somewhere far beyond "mini." "Robert, resistance," Hank whispered. "Resistance isn't just futile, it's a damned lie," Bobby breathed, starting to walk towards Opal. "Hank, look at her !" "Cyborg boyfriends, Robert," Hank demanded. "She's moody. And she has killer cyborg boyfriends." "You're right," Bobby said, sighing deeply. "I have to tell her it's over. Once and for all." "It HAS been six years," Hank said, watching Bobby approach Opal with obvious concern. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, and smiled at Cecilia as she slipped into his arms. "Boy's got to learn to fight his own battles, fuzzy," Cecilia said, kissing Hank's cheek. "I know," Hank said, snuggling close to his bride. "Logic tells me I must let Robert face this alone. But ..." "That, Dr. McCoy, is why I love you," Cecilia said, nuzzling Hank. "Now, let me show you some other hands-on skills besides pool." "You're deliciously hopeless to dissuade," Hank chuckled. -------------------------------------------------------- "Jean ?" Scott mumbled from beneath their table. "In a minute, Scott," Jean said, watching Bobby approach Opal. "Bobby's confronting Opal once and for all." "Oh." Scott's reply made Jean look under the table, and she dove beneath it as well. "Well, if you're going to do that ... suck, man, suck !" "One toe at a time, Jean !" -------------------------------------------------------- "Bobby," Opal said, looking him over. "Opal," Bobby said, nodding. "Long time." "Yeah. You're doing OK ?" "Finally free of Hiro. I've got a real job - art gallery manager in Soho." "Good. I'm glad you're doing OK for yourself. Opal -" "They need an accountant." "Opal - I think we should see other people." "... Thank GOD. I was so afraid you'd say yes." "Excuse ... me ?" "I'm sorry, Bobby - but a girl can only handle so many superpowered boyfriends. Poor Mole never lasted, and Hiro ... well, you know how Hiro was ... and your Ship went nuts and tried to overrun New York, and -" "Opal, that was all six YEARS ago. If you'd wanted to dump me, why not just say so ?!" "I was afraid you'd sulk or something." "I WAS SULKING ! Christ, you didn't think the snowmen with frowny-faces were a big enough hint !? OK. Fine. Move on with your life. Have a good life." "I ... I will. Take care of yourself, Bobby - Bobby ? Are those really large cockroaches - BOBBY ? What are they doing to my dress !?" "Skkrrrt." "Hsskk." "AIEEEAAAGHHH !!!" -------------------------------------------------------- "Ah," Japheth chuckled from across the bar as Eenie and Meanie approached him with the remains of a tattered miniskirt in their mouths, "the show of a lifetime." "They - you - she -" Bobby gasped, looking as Opal tried to cover herself. "YOUR TEAMMATE'S SLUGS ATE MY DRESS !!!" Opal screamed. "EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME !!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF !?!?!?" She screamed when a quick blizzard doused her. "Thank God for ice," Bobby chuckled as Opal bolted for the door. -------------------------------------------------------- "Scott." "Mmmm ..." "I'm pregnant. Again. With twins." "AAUGH ! NO MORE TOE-SUCKING !!!" -------------------------------------------------------- "Warren." "mmmM ... ?" "I'm pregnant." "Oh. Feathers or shadows for the interior decorator ?" -------------------------------------------------------- "Hank." "Yes, my perscipacious chocolate goddess of love ?" "I'm pregnant." "Oh my stars and garters ... I need Robert to have a midlife crisis more often." -------------------------------------------------------- "Robert." "Yeah, Piotr ?" "I'm pregnant." "Told'ja to stay away from that rust remover, big fella. You don't know what's in that stuff." "With IDEAS, tovarisch ! IDEAS ! Bozhe moi, you'd think the beer had gotten to you." "Maybe it did. Maybe I'm still psyched about finally getting Opal off my back. Just don't draw any more little kitty cats, OK ?" "They're original ideas ... by the White Wolf ..." "Ooh ! Goths !" -------------------------------------------------------- "Forge." "Yes, Bright Lady ?" "I am pregnant." "See ? Ancient rituals DO work." -------------------------------------------------------- They pulled up to the X-Mansion, as Jean gave a low cry at the smoldering ruin that sat where it had been. "Mom !" Nate called, running to hug her. "We're OK - the Professor's asleep, he was so tired out from fightin' Apocalypse -" "APOCALYPSE !?" the X-Men yelled. "But he's gone ! He got ... uh, eaten," Nate said, pointing at the purplish substance scattered throughout the yard. "That was just DISGUSTING," Frank Richards said, holding Rachel close as they glowered at Leong Coy Mahn. "Like it's MY fault," Leong muttered. "How was I supposed to know it'd do that ?" "YOUR SPLEEN ATE APOCALYPSE AND EXPLODED !" Chuck Lehnsherr yelled. The X-Men looked at one another. "See what ya made me miss by draggin' me out o'de house ?" Remy teased Thunderbird. -------------------------------------------------------- finis >) -------------------------------------------------------- The final tale of Apocalypse will be told in Starting Block Chapter 11 ;) --------------------------------------------------------