Subject: [OTL]: (Emma/X-Men) The Ninth Circle is Ice (PG-17; humor) From: Phil Hartman Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2007 08:46:59 +0000 To: outsidethelines@topica.com will1@earthling.net The Ninth Circle is Ice by Phil Hartman DISCLAIMER: They're all Marvel's. All other references belong to their owners. It's all fiction. No money is being made off of this. Please don't sue. WARNING: Mature themes, rampant immaturity, and potentially disturbing imagery below. (Be Afraid. Be VERY Afraid.) NOTE: AU, set around UXM 134 ... and the original title was "Pimp Hat with Twinkie Feather," BTW ... ;) ---------------------------------- "I see ... well, congratulate him for me, Sebastian. I'll stop by later after you've tenderized the X-Men a bit," Emma Frost said, hanging up her phone and leaning back in her bed. She wasn't going to be jealous. #So Wyngarde succeeded where I failed. So Jean Grey is bound to his will. So I lose some face with the other Lords Cardinal,# Emma thought, stroking her naked flanks with impatience. She couldn't help it, though - "*I* wanted to seduce Phoenix!!!" Emma whined, in a very un-Frost-like tone. She composed her porcelain "Mask of Evil," then pulled her sheets around her a little more and rang the bell by her bed. Emma's loyal servant, Regina, came to her Mistress' door and asked, "How may I serve you, Your Majesty?" "Bring me ... sausage. Something pliable, but enduring," Emma ordered, and Regina echoed her Mistress' wicked smile as the French-maid-costumed servant scampered down the hall. The double-entrendre was old, but Emma could afford to be a little raunchy around her servants. The ones who didn't obey for what she paid them were bound to her by her power. And Regina knew people who knew 20-something men eager to "know" women with money. The type of men Emma could afford to mindwipe and return to their frats or homes unharmed, after a night of - Regina's mental gasp made Emma raise an eyebrow; *something* was surprising her chief maid. That was odd enough. But who strode into the room behind Regina was actually *shocking.* "You're that accountant from the Long Island office!?" Emma blurted - this *plebian* dared to enter her home and pretend he was going to be her slave for the night? He was closer to 30 than 20, Emma realized, with a cocky smile, piercing blue eyes and conservatively cut brown hair. The fact he was wearing only a blue spandex brief *was* a rather daring touch, really, but Emma wasn't going to let his pecs and abs get to her. Not even if he was ... "Now, now, Your Majesty, let's not be hasty. I'm not some boy-toy for you to use and casually throw away," the accountant - Robert? Emma thought, her head was swimming for some reason - said, actually DARING to sit on the edge of her bed. His grin was what was causing Emma to feel ... woozy. "You're not making yourself very welcome, Mr. - ?" Emma challenged, mentally commanding Regina to check the thermostat. It was unusually *hot* in the room all of a sudden - "Let me cool you off," the accountant offered, and he held his hand to Emma's forehead. Instantly, she felt refreshed, as if she was on an Alp and had just come from the changing room to go down the slopes - #WAIT a minute!? I'm - NO! I can't be - he's an ACCOUNTANT! I'm Emma Frost, White Queen of Hellfire! I don't have these kinds of feelings for ACCOUNTANTS!# Emma's conscious mind screamed at her body. Her body shoved her conscious mind away with one hand and grabbed the accountant's brief with the other, as Regina closed the door and fanned herself. ============================= Several Hours Later: ----------------------------------- "HA-HA! Kneel before us, X-Men! Jean Grey is now the Black Queen, I've defeated Cyclops in astral combat, and the Inner Circle of Hellfire will RULE THE WORLD!!!" #Mein Gott, he's an obnoxious one,# Kurt Wagner couldn't help but think as Jason Wyngarde gloated over the helpless, chained and power-dampened X-Men. Sebastian Shaw watched, smirking, as Jean Grey - formerly the X-Man called Phoenix - hung on his arm, now seemingly the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club's Lords Cardinal. Harry Leland, the Black Bishop, watched the proceedings with amusement, while the White Bishop, Donald Pierce, stared at the X-Men with a degree of loathing Nightcrawler thought was more than just disdain for captured foes. "Ororo, can you pick these locks?" Kurt heard Piotr Rasputin whisper to Ororo Munroe. "I have tried, little brother, but -" Storm began, until the doors swung open, to reveal the White Queen walking in clad in her usual garb. What troubled Kurt was that Emma Frost was smiling almost ... *beatifically.* "Wyngarde, you FOOL. You think turning the Phoenix was a feat? I've found a candidate for White KING!" Frost cackled, giving Mastermind a contemptuous glare while the rest of the Lords Cardinal shared curious glances. The Black King looked discomforted, as he replied, "You know the rules, Emma. Should this newcomer wish to join, he has to face me in combat." "We mutants are the future, Sebastian, and the rules should change with the new order. I don't wish you to leave your throne. I ask that you allow my contender to face Wyngarde in combat, instead," Emma asked, eyeing Wyngarde slyly. Shaw mulled over the proposition, while Wyngarde asked in a disgusted tone, "The stakes?" "If my protege defeats you, Jason, the newcomer becomes White King and my consort, and you have to give control of Phoenix to Sebastian. Should my discovery lose, you keep your position, and my pet returns to my bed as my slave. Either way, I WIN! MUWAHAHAHAA!!!" Emma cackled maniacally. "I like it. You presume to be a sporting type, Wyngarde - or are you going to hide behind the Black Queen forever?" Pierce sneered, and Wyngarde's silent snarl brought a grin to Emma's face, while Jean scowled. "Peace, all of you. I am Lord Imperial - I don't see that there's any problem with this challenge. You've already earned your place, Jason. One little fight won't knock you out of the running," Shaw ordered, and Wyngarde his his aggravation as he walked over to Emma. "Very well, Frost. Produce this knight of yours," the illusionist sneered. Emma's smile became a disturbing grin of victory as she stepped aside - - and Jason Wyngarde was encased in *ice.* "EMMA!? What in the devil's - AGHK -" Shaw grunted, as a white-caped figure at the door to the room fired blasts of ice at the rest of the Inner Circle. #Unglaublich!# Kurt thought, watching as the Black King was frozen solid from the neck down - and was unable to break free. Leland also was rooted in place, while Pierce started to snarl - - and SCREAMED, as if all the devils of Hell were on his heels, before he dropped to the floor, twitching. "You - ohhh ..." Jean moaned, as Emma actually *freed Scott,* letting Cyclops rush to Jean's side as she wobbled. The guards started, but they held their heads and passed out, as the white-caped figure at the door motioned with his hands. "What kind of madness is this, Frost!? First you attack us in Chicago and pursue young Kitty, then you *aid* us against your own allies!?" Ororo demanded as Emma freed her, then Piotr and Kurt. "I have my reasons, weather-witch. I may bear you X-Men no love, but even I can be moved to aid my foes when greater power lies in wait," Frost replied, stunning the X-Men into silence. She shocked Kurt even more when she deeply kissed her companion, who kissed her hand and held it as Frost turned with an ... *awestruck* expression. "Meet the new White King of Hellfire," Emma said, and Kurt and the others looked closely at the man beside her. The newcomer wore only white thigh-high leather boots, and a thong rather similar to Frost's own (but mercifully, Kurt thought, not a corset like Frost ...). The rather kinky ensemble was topped off by a garish swashbuckler hat, colored blazingly white, and to Kurt's shock, a *Twinkie* was somehow affixed to the brim. But it was the man's eyes which made the X-Men gasp, and it was Scott who finally managed to grunt: "... BOBBY ...!?!?" "That's 'Lord Pimperial Robert Drake,' Scotty," Bobby Drake snickered, whipping off his hat as Frost put her arm around Iceman's waist. "DRAKE!? That IDIOT defeated the Inner Circle!? WHY, Emma!? Why debase yourself for the - STUPIDEST - X-Man!?" Shaw demanded, until Frost glared at her former ally with contempt. "You soulless imbecile! What is money and power if you have no LOVE!? Robert pleasured me in ways I never dreamed possible! His 'Icicle' and his gentle touch rocked my *world*! And with his accounting skills and my telepathy, we can rule the world LEGALLY! This is my alliance, Sebastian -" Emma said, stopping melodramatically before she gushed: "I *WILL* BE MRS. ROBERT DRAKE!!!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" someone screamed - Kurt wasn't quite sure if it was Scott or the Black King - but Emma's maniacal cackle split the air, and Bobby walked over to the Lord Imperial's throne with a victorious grin. "But - Robert, she is *Emma Frost,*" Ororo tried to point out, and Kurt and Piotr shared a look of concern - hadn't someone told Bobby how Frost had tortured Ororo in Chicago? "I know Emma's been a very bad girl, Nightcrawler, but we worked out a few ground rules. She leaves the X-Men alone, and I give her some Drake lovin' every so often," Bobby said, sitting casually on the throne as Emma knelt at his feet. The devoted expression she gave Bobby was disturbing, Kurt had to admit - "Whut th' flamin' - DRAKE!? Where the hell'd you come from, an' how did ya get Frost t' heel ?" Wolverine demanded as he burst in, then came to a horrified stop before Bobby and Emma. "Snow cone go BOOM," Emma purred, and Kurt shuddered as Bobby ruffled her hair, then grinned wickedly. "Hasn't anyone here read Dante's Inferno?" Bobby asked, waving some guards in to secure the former Inner Circle. "The Ninth Circle of Hell*is* ice, after all ..." ------------------------------ "Bobby? In a THONG?" WOOSH "Hank, did your fur just fall out?" ------------------------------- end ;) --^---------------------------------------------------------------- This email was sent to: lkmetyk@comcast.net EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?aVxiJR.bnCTtk.bGttZXR5 Or send an email to: outsidethelines-unsubscribe@topica.com For Topica's complete suite of email marketing solutions visit: http://www.topica.com/?p=TEXFOOTER --^----------------------------------------------------------------