Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Marvel characters depicted in this story nor do I intend to infringe upon any copyrights connected to these characters. The same is true for the movie "Sleepy Hollow," whose premise I have adapted to fit this parody. Title: Don't fall asleep when someone's out to kill you Author: Hekatis Rating: Hmm. The movie "Sleepy Hollow" was rated R, and since I'm using some of its concepts (severed heads etc.) I should warn oversensitive readers to back away now. On the other hand there is nothing graphic, so if you were able to read "Hansel and Gretel" without having nightmares afterwards this story shouldn't upset you either. PG13 maybe? (to be on the safe side) Characters: Dani, Sam, Illyana, Roberto, Doug, Rahne, Warlock, Amara Type: NM parody with elements from the movie "Sleepy Hollow" Summary: Going to the movies is fun. Finding oneself in the middle of a horror movie, too? Feedback: Definitely welcome. Please write to: hekatis@hotmail.com Don't fall asleep when someone's out to kill you (completed: March 12, 2000) by Hekatis "Someone's seen the cinema program?" Doug asked. "Last time I saw it Amara was using it to wrap Easter eggs in it," Roberto replied. "Amara, don't you have any respect for modern American pop culture?" Doug complained. "I hardly would describe cinema as culture. It does not have the same impact on the viewers as wagon races or the tragedies of Sophocles in a huge amphitheater. It is so -- shallow," Amara retorted. "In this case you wouldn't mind handing me what is left of the program magazine?" "If you insist on being a slave to modern culture." "I'm not a slave to anything just because I want to take a break from reality now and then." "Nope, you just can't face life," Roberto scoffed from behind. "As much as you can face kitchenwork." "You can avoid kitchenwork. You can't avoid life." "Why does selffriend Doug Ramsey think he needs a break from his life?" Warlock inquired. "Doug, could you please explain the if-construction in Java to me again? I've tried to program a loop, but it won't terminate," Rahne cried from upstairs. "Doug, there's a flaw in the new Danger Room program you designed. Could you please come and fix it?" Dani shouted from downstairs. "Hey, Doug, where did you put the lawn mower? It's your turn to cut the grass," Sam bellowed from outside. "Could you please repeat your question, Warlock?" Doug sighed. "Anyone seen the cinema program?" Illyana asked as she materialized in the middle of the room. "I have given it to Doug," Amara replied. "Here you are," Roberto said, taking the program from Doug's trouser pocket and handing it to Illyana. "Thanks, Berto. You're free this evening?" "Hey, can't I even have a cinema program for myself in this house?" Doug protested. "You weren't going to read it while you're cutting the lawn?" Sam asked as he came in. "Why is this cinema program so important to selffriend Doug Ramsey?" "Doug, could you please come and help me? I just can't figure out this while-loop," Rahne pleaded as she descended the stairs. "Doug, the Danger Room just executed itself," Dani stated laconically as she entered the living room. "Might take you some time to fix it, you better start now." "I want my cinema program," Doug screeched hysterically. "You can have it when I'm done," Illyana offered, hardly glancing up from the program she was studying. "What about this one, Berto: headless rider terrorizes small village." "Immediately give the cinema program to my boyfriend," Rahne demanded. "Sounds okay. You pay the popcorn and I hold your hand when it's getting to melodramatic?" "The last time I had to hold your hand." "Yana, duck." Rahne had decided that procuring the program for Doug required drastic measures and so she had shifted to her wolven form, launching an assault at the program in Illyana's hand. A second before her teeth could seize the desired object, however, Illyana teleported away, accidentally taking all of the New Mutants with her. ***** They materialized in a wide landscape under a violet-gray sky. "Does anybody else have the feeling that something weird just happened?" Sam asked. "From the way it looks, I guess that one of those fanfic writers just hit a creative streak -- again." "You're ever the optimist, Dani, aren't you?" Roberto remarked. "Stay brave. It can't be worse than what our official writers sometimes come up with. Besides, no damage will be permanent because fanfic writers can't influence official continuity." "That is, I can finally watch gladiator fights to the death without our readers retaining a bad image of me?" Amara asked. "Why does selffriend Doug Ramsey think he needs a break from his life?" Warlock inquired again. "So what do we do now? I guess they don't have any cinemas here," Dani asked. "Does selffriend Amara have any hypothesis why other selffriends New Mutants are so obsessed with cinemas?" "There are people coming up to us," Sam announced. "Dang. How are we going to explain our presence to them? I mean, we are wearing clothes from the end of the 18th century and -- we are wearing 18th century clothing?" Dani wondered. "The more important question is: how do we keep them from attacking us and chasing us away?" "Your optimism is always refreshing, Illyana." "Don't worry, Doug. I won't let anything happen to you," Rahne growled. The group of five men finally reached the mutants. "We are so glad you could come," their leader declared, "and so fast. After all, we sent the messenger asking for help only yesterday." "Once you stop considering time as something linear it becomes very relative," Illyana observed. "Pardon? I don't understand, Miss." "What she wanted to say is that we will be glad to help you to the best of our abilities, and could you please outline in your own words again what you consider to be your current problem?" Dani took over the conversation. "Our current problem? Well, the murders, of course." "What evidence have you gathered so far?" "We -- we have their severed heads." "The bodies haven't been found?" "N-no. We only have the five heads." "Five severed heads!" Doug exclaimed. "You don't look well, Ramsey. You need Rahne to carry you?" Roberto taunted. "And there was lots of blood, of course, at the place of the murders. It was thick and brown and there were insects crawling everywhere." "Roberto, stop squeezing my hand so tightly," Illyana ordered. "Might there be black magic involved in these killings?" Dani inquired. "We've already ruled that possibility out. The decapitated rider is still resting in his grave." "The decapitated rider?" "A blood-thirsty mercenary who was killed in the War of Independence, then resurrected by an evil witch, then defeated by a fearless investigator from Boston, and when the rider returned to hell he took the evil witch with him." "This story is far too moral for my taste," Illyana grumbled. "We are so glad that Boston has responded to our plea for help immediately, and with eight investigators, nonetheless. Rest assured, we will do everything we can to help you solve these hideous crimes. Do you want see the severed heads first?" "Maybe we could see our quarters first -- we need to unpack our equipment and, ahm, give our fellow investigators a little pep talk." ***** They took quarters in the house of Katrina, a young widow, whose husband had been the first victim of the murders. Dani was outlining their plan: "We need to separate. Roberto, Illyana, Doug, Rahne -- you search the woods for dead bodies, the grave of this dead rider and other useful evidence. Amara, Warlock -- you mix with the people and try to find out as much as possible about who hates whom and could have a motive for these killings. Sam and I will interrogate the suspects. Everything clear? Okay, go." "Ahm, Dani, we don't have any suspects yet," Sam pointed out. "Is that a problem?" ***** "This is exactly what I've always envisioned my life to be like. It's cold, it's misty, we're in the woods and searching for an insane murderer. I'm feeling like I'm in the middle of a horror movie," Roberto grumbled. "I thought you liked horror movies?" Illyana counterd. "I only went there because you suggested it." "Only after you complained that you found walks around Limbo boring." "I changed my mind. Can we go home now? I forgot to set the VCR for Buffy." "Sorry, we have to find this insane murderer first." "Haven't we been to this clearing before?" "I know where we're going, Berto." "That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Can you hand me the map, please?" "What map?" "We don't have a map?" "No." "WE DON'T HAVE A MAP?" "Berto, calm down, this isn't 'The Blair Witch Project', after all." "I really _hate_ horror movies." "I'll tell my demons to bake us a cake for next Saturday." ***** "Rahne, please slow down. My feet aren't as well-adapted to this terrain as your paws, my clothes aren't as well-adjusted to the weather as your fur, or, in other words, I'm tired, I'm frightened and you're still not slowing down." Rahne abruptly stopped and turned around to snarl at Doug: "You smiled at her," she reproached him bitterly. "I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't felt like smiling for days and certainly not since we arrived here." "Liar. I saw you smile at her like she was the sun." "Rahne, you are the sun for me." "You haven't smiled at me for days. I try to be understanding. I accept that you have lots of work to do. And then, all it takes to make you smile is for this widow to bring you a cup of peppermint tea. How often have I brought you tea during the last week? Two times, three times? You never smiled at me as though I was the sun." "Rahne, I swear..." "Grrrrrrrrr." "Rahne, I really ap-appreciate the fact that you're taking such good care of your teeth -- they're all shiny and sharp, I admire that -- but please, don't try them out on my throat." "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR." "Rahne, I swear, you are the only woman in my life, and I promise to smile at you more often, I'll even teach you to program your own smileys, but please don't make yourself a widow before you've even married me." Rahne seemed to heed his words and withdrew her sharp teeth from his neck. Then she began to lick his face and shifted back to her human form. "I believe you. You look so sweet when you're terrified." "You're no longer mad at me?" "No." "Then I can safely faint now?" "I'll carry you home if you do." ****** Sam entered the mayor's office. "Sir, I've been thinking. And do you know to what conclusion I've come? I think you've got something to hide. And do you know what makes me think so? You have been so eager to help us, I believe you must have a guilty conscience. And consider this: The ax-murderer could arrive to kill you any minute and you wouldn't want to die with a guilty conscience, would you?" "But I don't think I have anything to hide." "Think again," Dani commanded, casually ramming an ax into the table next to him. The mayor's eye's bulged with fear. "I -- I forged the outcome of the last election." "Dang, that's not what we're looking for. Come on, Sam, we have 67 more suspects to visit." "Dani, don't you think that your ax-method is ruining the impact of my relief-your-conscience approach?" "Why? It works." "We're not making any friends this way." "So what? You didn't plan on settling down here, did you? SAM? Are you hiding something from me?" ***** "Cinema is trite, Warlock. It does not have any meaning, any lasting impact on the viewers' lives. In Nova Roma, we have wagon races. The drivers put their lives on the line to impress the onlookers. They show us what boldness means. They inspire us." "Why do selffriends New Mutants insist on going to the movies instead?" "They have grown up with illusions." "May I buy you a drink?" "Why did selffriend Amara hit the friendly-asking man with a chair?" ***** "Roberto, could you lend me a hand, please? I think I found something." "You found a way out of here? A case of jewelry? An ice-vending machine?" "No, just the meaning of life, or rather: this tree." "Not to insult you but it looks quite ordinary." "I'm not really expecting you to feel the arcane vibes coming from it, but you could have noticed the hole in it. There's something in there behind the bark." "What do you expect me to say?" "Please step back while I widen the hole?" Roberto murmured an unintelligible reply, then transformed into Sunspot and tackled the tree. "Hey, that's easy. You could have widened that hole yourself, Illyana." At that moment, the bark gave way and five dead bodies without heads fell over Roberto. "I know I could have opened that hole myself but I didn't want to ruin my dress." "I really love you, Illyana." "It took for you five dead bodies falling over you to realize that?" "If you don't help me get up and transport me to a bathtub with hot water immediately there soon might be six dead bodies." "Berto, suicide is never a solution." ***** "It's nauseating," Dani exclaimed after she and Sam had interrogated the last citizen of Sleepy Hollow. "You mean the fact that almost every citizen of this village has a dark secret? I don't think I have ever seen so many people admitting to tax fraud, adultery or just generally being depraved, not even if I count all the films I have watched." "I was speaking of the fact that we haven't been able to find the murderer." "You know, Dani, I have been thinking and I believe there is a serious flaw in your approach." "Which would be?" "The real ax murderers know that you aren't the ax murderer so they also know that you won't kill them and that the real ax murderers won't decapitate them either." "I haven't looked at it under that aspect. Sam, let's start again." "You don't want to question all these people again?" "No, just those who haven't confessed any crimes and vices yet." ***** "You ever going to finish in the bathroom, da Costa? You're not the only one who's had a hard, tiring and cold day," Doug shouted. "So what? I locked myself in here first." "You want me to fetch Illyana to help you get out?" "Do that and I'll tell Rahne that you actually hesitated two seconds before turning down Katrina's offer to use her bathroom." "Someone's mentioned my name?" Illyana asked as she entered the room. "I brought you fresh clothes, Berto. Well actually, I had your old ones cleaned but you won't notice the difference." Roberto came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. Suddenly, he froze, then screamed, panicked and jumped onto the wardrobe. "Help, there's a spider." Illyana looked at the spider curiously. "It looks quite ordinary. I never knew you had a problem with spiders." "Just slay it." Illyana crouched down to pick up a slipper. Suddenly, she realized something. "That's incredible. There's a pentagram of fear under Roberto's bed. It's amazing. I've never seen it drawn before with violet chalk. I've always tried with white chalk but it never worked." She smiled radiantly. "This could be the solution to a spell on which I have been working for years. Excuse me, I need to talk to our hostess." Illyana rushed off. "Doug, could you please do something about this insect?" Roberto shrieked from the top of the wardrobe. "Spiders aren't insects. But don't worry, I'll help you." He prepared to leave. "I'll get Dani. She'll know what to do." ***** "We've cross-examined three of the remaining four innocent citizens and we don't know more than before." "That's not entirely true, Sam. We know about conserving quinces now." "But we still haven't found the murderer." "There is one more citizen to question." "I doubt this will be successful. You know -- I have been wondering if perhaps, the killer might not be one of the villagers..." "What do you want to hint at with that remark?" "Dani, do you have a moment? Roberto is having a problem, though I don't think it's too urgent," Doug asked. "Excuse me, Sam, I need to go." Dani went to relieve Roberto of his plight. Sam and Doug followed. "Roberto, what are you doing on that wardrobe?" "Dani, could you please do something about this spider? Maybe burn or decapitate it?" Dani concentrated briefly and the spider was seen racing out of the house, leaving the village for good. "If something bugs you, just confront it with its worst fear," Dani stated smugly. "Not to criticize you, Berto -- spiders can be dangerous, especially if they are 3 meters huge and spitting poison -- but don't you think you may have over-reacted?" Sam asked. "Illyana said something about a pentagram of fear," Doug explained while Roberto was climbing down from the wardrobe. "Where is she now?" Sam asked. "She said she wanted to talk to Katrina about the pentagram." "We need to find her before another head rolls." "You don't want to suggest that Illyana is the murderer?" Dani asked, incredulous. "It's a logical conclusion. All the citizens of this village are innocent -- as least as far as the decapitations are concerned; on the other hand, we have come here in the company of a demon sorceress." "That's ridiculous. Illyana would never do that," Roberto protested. "She said herself she knew how to draw a pentagram of fear. And you told me she led you straight to the tree where the dead bodies had been deposited," Doug summed up the incriminating evidence. "I still don't believe it. There must be another conclusion," Roberto disagreed. "Well, you know that Illyana doesn't possess the most balanced of personalities. I'm not saying it was her -- but maybe the part of her that has access to violet chalk and sharp axes?" Doug proposed. "We need to find Katrina," Sam urged. When the New Mutants barged into Katrina's room, they found her lying unconscious on the floor. "What happened to you?" Dani asked as she crouched down besides her prone form. Katrina began to stir. "Your friend -- she's out to call the decapitated rider. You have to stop her," Katrina murmured before she sank back into oblivion. "But why would she do that? She has plenty of demons of her own," Roberto remarked. "Maybe she's possessed by an evil spirit?" Doug ventured. "Stop delaying the plot by discussing unimportant details. We have to prevent Illyana from doing something the world might regret," Dani ordered. "But we don't even know where she is," Roberto kept bringing up unimportant details. "The tree with the dead bodies is the portal to hell," Katrina whispered. "Fine. Roberto, you've been there before, you lead the way." "Pardon? You expect me to remember a particular tree in the woods? There are thousands of trees!" "There's a map in the uppermost drawer of the desk," Katrina mumbled helpfully. "See, there's a solution to everything -- and now let's hurry." When the New Mutants arrived at the portal to hell, Illyana had already begun her ritual. She was standing in the middle of a pentagram and chanting strange incantations. "Illyana, you don't really want to do this," Sam shouted as he came to a halt in front of her. Illyana interrupted her spell to look at him. "I know what I'm doing." Dani arrived, somewhat out of breath. "But have you considered all the consequences? I mean, moral and legal ones, and not to forget, customs duty for imported articles from hell?" "We can talk later. Now let me finish my spell." "Illyana, please, we can talk about whatever you want later but stop now," Doug pleaded. "Why is everyone treating me as though I have gone crazy?" Illyana wondered, but unfortunately, she was not going to hear the answer to her question because Roberto had snuck up on her and was pressing a cloth with chloroform over her mouth. As she slumped to the ground, the silver flames of her pentagram vanished, exactly three seconds before nightfall. "Guess we saved the world again," Sam stated heroically. "Let's get home," Roberto demanded as he cradled Illyana in his arms. "This place doesn't have a good influence on Illyana." ***** The next morning, the New Mutants were leaving Sleepy Hollow in a carriage. "Do you think the villagers believed us when we told them we need to get special equipment from Boston?" Doug asked. "Considering how happy they looked when we said we had to leave I don't think they care," Sam remarked with a side glance to Dani. "I still can't fathom it," Roberto moaned. "Just when I believed I was ready to accept the thought that I might be feeling something for her that could resemble loving affection, I have to find out that she is still controlled by her demon side. I'll never be able to watch a horror movie with any other girl." "We all share your dejectedness," Rahne said sympathetically. "Guys, stop," Dani suddenly cried. The carriage rumbled to a halt. "I have just remembered something my grand-father told me: White magic is white, black magic is black." "Ah, yes, point being?" "The pentagram around Illyana was white. If she had had evil intentions it would have been black." "You mean, she actually isn't evil?" Roberto asked, hopefully. "I don't know, but maybe we should allow her to say something." "Okay, I'll take the gag out of her mouth," Sam offered. "Idiots," Illyana spit as soon as she could. "I was trying to conjure the decapitated rider to save you. Katrina is the evil one. Or actually, she is possessed by the evil spirit of her stepmother, who wants to take revenge on the village for watching idly when the decapitated rider took her with him to hell." "The stepmother who was responsible for the first series of killing and who used the decapitated rider as a tool of her insidious scheme?" "Exactly. She has possessed the body of her stepdaughter, and the only way to exorcise her from Katrina's body is by controlling her master who made her into a demon because he can force her spirit to return to hell with him." "The decapitated rider?" "You're really being bright today, Doug. Now could you please untie me so that we can stop that murderous bitch?" ***** "It was so easy to fool these investigators -- it was almost boring --almost," Katrina's stepmother in Katrina's body mused out loud with a shrill laugh. "Now whom am I going to kill next?" "No one," the New Mutants chorused unanimously as they barged in and arrested Katrina. "How -- how did you find out?" "We were cleverer than you thought." "Not clever enough. I smashed the skeleton of the decapitated rider this morning. You won't be able to evoke him any longer." "That's a pity," Illyana commented. "I guess when we can't bring the decapitated rider to our world, we have to deliver you personally to his world." And with these worlds, she briefly opened up a portal to hell and dragged Katrina's body through with her. "Don't worry, guys, I'll be back with the real Katrina in a minute." "I though only demons can enter hell," Doug wondered when the portal had closed behind Illyana. "Just when I though I had come clear about my feelings for her," Roberto groaned. ********************************* Epilogue The New Mutants have safely returned home. Doug and Rahne are happily mowing the lawn together. Doug is trying to explain the concept of classes and objects in Java to Rahne for the tenth time while Rahne is admiring his beautiful smile in doing so. Sam is chopping wood although it is not his turn because he wants to keep Dani away from sharp axes. Illyana is in the kitchen, baking a cake in order to convince Roberto that she is a harmless ordinary girl. Roberto doesn't believe her and is training moves to dodge axe blades in the Danger Room with Dani. Warlock and Amara are still analyzing the significance of movies for modern Western societies. Everything is peaceful -- until suddenly Professor Xavier announces: "Students, I have been thinking and I have come to the conclusion that you deserve to go to the cinema tonight. I have bought you tickets for 'Sleepy Hollow'. Ahem, students, where are you?"