Disclaimer: Their Marvel's, not mine, and I haven't found a way to make money out of my insanity yet. Title: The terrors of brooms Author: Hekatis Rating: PG-13 (some sexual allusions) Type: New Mutants Parody Characters: Illyana, Doug, Roberto, Dani, Sam, Rahne, Amara Summary: Doug makes a shocking discovery while cleaning the house. Feedback: Always welcome. (Please note the different email address.) Please write to: Claudia.Schlosser@asamnet.de The terrors of brooms by Hekatis (completed September 3, 2002) It is Doug's turn to clean the house. Determined, he flips open the book he has bought for exactly that purpose, "Motivation techniques for the unmotivated". He reads: "Think of the positives results your work will have." He tries to think of alien invaders slipping on the parquet he has polished immaculately. The pictures in his mind overlap with green slime dripping on the carpet. "Think of the negative results that postponing your work will have." He directs his mind's energy toward visions of little red demons torturing him with sharp pitchforks, Illyana telling him she would not let him go until he had cleaned Limbo as thoroughly as he had cleaned the house, threatening to use him for sword practice..." That line of thought has completely gone astray! He looks at another page. "Accept the inevitable. Imagine yourself the hero of a grand tragedy who will at least go down with dignity." Who'd have thought that motivated people could be that pessimistic? He resigns himself to the fact that he will probably have cleaned the house three times over before he finds the motivation to do it. So he goes in search for a broom in order to stir up the quiet lives of the spiders on the ceiling. At least he won't be the only one suffering. Maybe he can imagine himself the heroic hero of a grand movie. "Mr. Broom, the spiders and the dust", he thinks sarcastically. "Or Cinderella maybe?" He can't remember, however, that Cinderella had any difficulty finding a broom for her chores. While every closet into which he looks tries to spill its cleaning agents, buckets and brushes over him, none contains a brooms. He makes a mental note to keep an eye out for the next flee market accepting household wares and ventures into the basement where he believes to remember an old broom in the corner of the room for discarded furniture. He starts to resent the script writer of his film for placing the requisites in such remote places. And then he starts to feel he is entirely in the wrong movie. For no sensible scriptwriter would have included Illyana in his film. He remains frozen with the door handle in his hand, refusing to believe the inconceivable sight presented to him. When he regains his ability speak or move, Illyana has already securely tied and gagged him. Fortunately, this is the time when Dani calls them for their weekly creative meeting. Illyana freezes when she hears Dani's call for artistry but she seems to realize that she has to free Doug lest Dani comes down and forces her to proof-read all the others' work again. "If you tell anyone that I'm trying to ride on a broom, I'll make you clean Limbo!" she threatens as she takes the gag out of Doug's mouth. Doug wants to reply that he has no intention whatsoever to tell anyone anything and then he stops. "You're trying to ride on a broom? That's why there are no brooms left in the house? Why, in the name of the deity of cleaning agents, would you want to do that?!!" "Don't you read Harry Potter? Every sorceress needs to ride on a broom!" Doug hasn't read Harry Potter and he fervently wishes Illyana hadn't either. He silently vows to buy her the 'Witches of Eileanan' series where no one rides on a broom as soon as possible. Before he can do so, however, Dani comes down. Illyana manages just in time to teleport away his ties and teleport back his clothes that have accidentally vanished with the ropes. Doug reconsiders presenting Illyana with books that contain so many rituals that are practiced nude. "Here you are," Dani states. "I appreciate your efforts to clean the house, but I have to announce something. Do you remember the story we wrote for the 'Clothed Witches' contest?" "Of course we do," Doug replies. "Did we win something?" Illyana asks, hope glimmering in her eyes. "Well, yes and no." "They didn't like our adventures in Asgard?" Illyana asks, bloodlust shimmering in her eyes. "Well, they said our writing was so bad that they decided to give us the consolation prize: writing lessons. Rahne and I took 'convincing depictions of wildlife', Roberto and Amara regale themselves with 'realistic action scenes', Sam and Warlock attend a seminar about 'ethics in medieval Fantasy' and you guys get the best of all." "A vacation in Mexico?" Doug asks hopefully. "Nope, much better. I give you hint: you might need the broom that Illyana is clenching so hard for it." "Noooo!!!" Illyana and Doug yell in unison. "That's right, you got 'how to develop a complex background for the magic in your Fantasy world'. Have fun. Your trainer is already waiting for you." *************************** One day later. Doug is writing his assignment. "In the world of C., spells basically consist of five keywords: begin_spell, end_spell, change_into, decide_vitctim_worthiness and cancel_spell. In the distant past, the repeat_spell_until construct had been known, but it was lost with the death of the evil sorcerer Willy Loop. So spells nowadays are less powerful then they used to be and sorcerers have to endlessly repeat the same lines because the knowledge of subprocedures and recursion was lost, too." Illyana is busy with a pen and paper, too. "And the sorceress placed an onyx on the table and lit the oil lamp and she said 'Begone' and the demon vanished." **************************************************** Doug's and Illyana's writing trainer is busy coaching his students. "Ahm, Mr. Ramsey, about your assignment, how shall I say... Your description was very detailed but you -- ahm -- may have taken my advice to find inspiration in contemporary popular science books a bit far." Doug briefly looks up from the "1000 unexpected solutions in C++ to problems you wouldn't have if you weren't using C++" manual he is reading. "Hm?" The trainer decides to ignore him as a hopeless case. "And, ahm, Miss Rasputin, your story was -- ahm -- very concise but -- ahm -- I'd almost say too concise." "What's wrong with being concise?" Illyana asks suspiciously and continues sharpening her pencil with her sword. "Well, ahm, you say the demon vanished, but you don't say how it vanished." "Niagara demons always vanish in a puff of red smoke." "And what was the onyx for?" "As a focus for the sorceress's power." "And the oil lamp?" "Demons and devils!" Illyana exclaims in exasperation. "If you don't know about magic, don't read about it. If the sorceress is so weak that she needs an onyx to focus her power, it will be dark before she manages to banish the demon." "Well, uhm, some readers may not have the background knowledge about magic but they --ahm -- may still want to read your works." "I included my telephone number at the bottom, for Beelzebub's sake." Doug briefly looks at the page lying in front of Illyana. "That's a 10$/minute line," he remarks. "Roberto said I had to somehow get back the cost of the switch board." "What the hell do you need a switchboard for?" "Do you think my demons never want to make a phone call?" "Yeah, that's it. A story about demons wanting to install a switchboard! Why don't the two of you co-operate on it?" the writing trainer enthuses while Illyana and Doug ignore him. "Have you already installed it?" Doug asks, suddenly afraid what it could mean for his future life if the switchboard hasn't been installed yet. "Yes, I called some technicians. They came only 5 days later than we had arranged, the charged only 10 times as much as they said it would cost, and after they left, only the air-conditioning and the TV set no longer worked." "Why didn't you fry them?" Doug asks, seemingly nonchalant, but in reality he's anxiously hoping that he will soon learn the key to a life where Illyana no longer accompanies him to the shower in order to make sure that he tells no one about her broom problem. Illyana sighs in frustration. "I might need them again." "Yeah, that's it! A story about demons, a switchboard and some technicians from outer space! You have to write it. You owe me that. I want to read it," the writing trainer exclaims even more enthusiastically than before. "This guy is really starting to get on my nerves!" Illyana cries and grabs her sword. "Illyana, wait!" Illyana looks at Doug, surprised that he dares to stand in her way. "It's not that I'd mind you harming our creative teacher, but could you do it somewhere where I don't have to clean the carpet?" Illyana eyes him suspiciously. "Think about the next time your switchboard needs some fine-tuning." Illyana sighs, resigned. "What do you suggest?" "What about the three of us going to a nicer location -- say, a Mexican beach? And I'll charge 10$ for all future advice." *********** Doug is lying on the beach and enjoying the sun. Now all he needs are some beautiful women admiring him -- and for Illyana to stop preventing those women from talking to him. He doesn't like the idea but he probably has to talk to her and help her overcome her broom issues if he ever wants to talk to someone else again. "Ahm, Illyana, why don't you take the gag out of our writing trainer's mouth and talk with him about your issues? I'm sure he'll help you to write a novel about them and then you'll be cured and we can sleep in separate bedrooms again." "What issues do you mean?" Illyana asks suspiciously. "Well, I don't want to name it, but you know, that -- long staff that you place between your legs and try to fly on." "You really think that he could help me over my little problem with that -- staff?" Illyana asks hopefully. The writing trainer is frantically beating his head against the palm tree to which he is tied, morsing that he can't help her and that he isn't suitable at all for that task but that he knows the phone number of a good shrink who's specialized in that kind of problem. Doug is ignoring the man's protest. He wants to be able to post to the Anaconda programming language newsgroup again without Illyana censoring his posts, damn it! "Just why is suddenly everybody looking at me?" Illyana wonders. Before she can solve that mystery, however, her cell phone rings. "Hello?" "No, Doug is busy, Amara, but I can give him a message if you want." "What did you do to my boyfriend that you need Doug to clean the carpet before you can practice the next scene?!!" "What do you mean, you spilled the red painting over my Harry Potter posters?!!!" "No, I didn't teach the spiders fencing!!! And if you need a broom, then buy one yourself!!!!" Illyana angrily presses the finish button while Doug muses if there is a market for cell phone compatible sound files with the sound of a receiver slamming back on the phone. "Ahm, Illyana why don't you go back and nurse Roberto back to health while I buy some Spanish Harry Potter books for you and translate them into Russian?" "Roberto is fine. He's already buying me new Harry Potter posters..." Illyana falters in her speech and represses a sob. "How am I ever going to get over this?" "Well, if you trust me and have 10$, maybe there is a way..." ***** "Yes, that's good, Illyana. Just a move a little bit faster. Harder. We're almost there!" Doug encourages Illyana as suddenly Roberto starts banging at the locked cellar door. "Open the door or I'll break it open!" he screams, enraged. Illyana drops the broom with which she has been beating at the spiders and the dust. "Go away, Roberto. Doug is just giving me some house-cleaning lessons." "I'm just trying to convey her a feeling for using a broom," Doug tries to placate Illyana's jealous lover as he breaks through the door. Roberto stops dead when he sees Illyana in her house-cleaning apron. "You know, Illyana, I never knew you had such a fondness for women's traditional roles, but believe me, if I'd known, I would have taken advantage of it much earlier." Then Roberto turns to Doug with a smothering look. "I've known that you use medieval programming languages, but I haven't known that you live in the Stone Age. There are vacuum- cleaners today, for God's sake. One of my companies even sells them." "You own a factory for vacuum-cleaners?" Illyana asks, astounded. Roberto turns to Illyana with a gentle smile. "Yes, I do, darling, and not only one. By the way, there are some oranges in the kitchen. Why don't you serve me some freshly-squeezed juice?" ***** Some days later. The New Mutants' weekly creative meeting. Sam surprises everyone by putting forward an unexpected motion. "I propose we give up writing." "How can you say that?!? I feel we are just inches away from the point where we actually start making money with it!" Dani protests. Sam shrugs uneasily. "Yeah, but I use up all the money I earn for aspirin when trying to decide the rating of my stories. I've never suspected there were so many ethical issues to consider..." Rahne grasps Sam's hand in sympathy. "We don't need to keep writing for money, Dani. I've sold the photos I made for us as an inspiration for our nature descriptions to a garden magazine." She smiles at Sam brightly. "There's even enough money that you can ask me out to the movies." "Hm, I see, but we can't take a vote while Illyana and Doug are absent," Dani tries to stall. "I'm here," Doug states as some spiders carry his sedan chair into the room. Amara looks at him with newfound admiration. "How did you manage to tame the spiders?" Doug shrugs noncomittantly. "That was easy. I only bribed them with some orange juice and fed them with some carefully-crafted Lisp macros. Where's Illyana, by the way?" "She's visiting some of my factories and inspecting the products," Roberto explains. At that moment, Illyana comes flying through the window, riding on a vacuum-cleaner. "Hi guys! Have you already read the newest issue of 'Writing can be your way back to mental health, too'? There's a story about an Indian who hunts a tree with the help of a book for synonyms because it's his fault that she can't speak D## and she finally ends up on an alien beach where switch boards fight with spiders over read painting until some demons declare it unethical."