Disclaimer:
"The New Mutants" are copyrighted by Marvel Comics.
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is copyrighted by Joss Whedon and the WB.
This is a work of fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended.
No financial gain is realized from this story.

Author: Hekatis

Title: Crossover - A producer's nightmare

Rating: PG

Type: BtVS/NM crossover; humorous

Summary: The New Mutants have to take the place of the cast in the series
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and change (screw up) quite a few things.

Continuity: for BtVS, after "Faith, Hope and Trick"; no particular place in
continuity for the NM

Thanks: to Luba for her helpful beta-reading

Feedback: Please tell me what you think of it.
(Write to: Claudia.Schlosser@asamnet.de)

Crossover

by Hekatis

Prologue

Sam: "Where are we?"
Dani: "What are we doing here?"
Rahne: "Why is it so dark?"

Doug: "I've found a computer."
Illyana: "Can you hack into it?"
Doug: "I think so. But why don't you simply teleport us away?"
Illyana: "I tried. It doesn't work."

Roberto: "I don't like this."
All: "We don't like this either."

Warlock: "Given the convoluted anti-coincidental nature repeatedly
demonstrated in the natural and editorial behavior of the
Marvelverse, would it not be appropriate to anti-entropically
predict that something badevilhorriblerottenterrible will
occur to selffriendsnewmutants within an artificially brief
span of time?"

Sam: "Don't tempt fate."
Warlock: "???"

Doug: "I found something. Ugh. You're not going to like this."
Dani: "The Hellfire Club trapped us?"
Roberto: "We've been abducted by aliens?"
Illyana: "We're in an evil sorcerer's dungeon?"
Doug: "Worse.
Brace yourself, guys.
It's ...
(He pauses for a minute, too shocked by what he just found out.)
It's a botched crossover."
All: "Gasp. Horror. Why us?"

Sam: "But how, I mean, who, I mean where are we?"
Doug: "The computer tells me that some guys from a TV series called "Buffy
the Vampire Slayer" were going to have a guest appearance in one of our
comics, but something went wrong and now we have been transferred to the
Buffyverse."
Roberto (enthusiastically) and Illyana (horrified): "Buffy the Vampire
Slayer?!?"
Illyana: "You mean, we really ended up in this wretched series with all its
incredible plot twists and pathetic characters?"
Roberto: "You mean, in this wonderful series with all its witty dialogue and
beautiful heroines?"
(Illyana and Roberto stare at each other furiously.)

Doug: "According to the computer, we have to impersonate the BtVS characters
in their next episode."
Dani (interrupting Illyana's and Roberto's staring match):
"Okay. Spill it, guys. What do you know about the characters?"

Illyana (reluctantly): "Well, there's Buffy, who has been chosen by some
higher powers, which the series never elaborates on, to be the vampire
slayer, which means that she slays vampires, but she fights other evil
creatures, too, though she actually doesn't like being the slayer because
she wants a normal life, but then she starts accepting it and..."
Roberto: "And she's incredibly beautiful and can kick ass."

Dani: "Okay, we'll cast her character later. Who else is there?"
Illyana: "Well, there's Willow, who is Buffy's best friend, and she's kind
of a witch in training and..."
Dani: "Okay. Illyana, you take Willow's part."
Illyana: "Waaiiit."

(Doug presses the return-key on his computer. Illyana's hair turns red, to
give her some resemblance to Willow.)

Illyana (outraged): "Willow only dabbles in magic. All she can do is ignite
flames on ice and cure people's acne."
(Roberto smirks. Illyana prepares to strangle him.
Dani intervenes.)
Dani: "Who else is there, Bobby?"

Roberto: "Well, there's Oz, who is a werewolf, but nobody seems bothered by
it, because he locks himself away in a cage every full moon -- and he is a
musician, a guitarist actually and.."
Rahne: "That doesn't sound too bad. Can I be Oz?"
Dani: "Sure, furtop. Go for it."

(Doug presses the return-key. Rahne transforms into Oz.")

Illyana and Roberto: "Waaiiit."
Illyana (reproachful): "You forgot to mention that Oz is Willow's
boyfriend."
Rahne: "Ugh."
Illyana: "How did I deserve this?"

Sam (after Illyana and Rahne have recovered from the shock of suddenly being
a couple):
"Any other characters you can remember?"

Illyana: "Well there's Angel, who is Buffy's boyfriend, and he is--"
(Illyana is ready to rant about Angel when Roberto elbows her hard.)
Roberto: "Yana, somebody _has to take Angel's part."
(Illyana glares at Roberto but gets his point.)

Sam: "What about Angel?"
Illyana (in her sweetest voice): "He is kind of ... taciturn and quite the
serious type, but he is really handsome and he tries to make the world a
better place."
Sam: "I'll take him."

(Doug presses the return key.)

Sam (who has just transformed into Angel): "Argh!! You didn't tell me that
this guy was an ensouled vampire who killed hundreds of people while the
demon was in control."

Roberto: "Don't try to be too glad about it, Sam. You know, one moment of
true happiness ..."
Illyana: "Which is a totally ridiculous curse that no sensible sorcerer ever
would have considered, at least I would've never..."
Roberto: "Try to calm down, Yana. We've five more people to cast."
Illyana (glaring daggers at him): "Why don't you volunteer for Xander,
Berto?"

Sam: "Who's Xander?"
Illyana: "Basically, he's a jerk, but he has a talent to show up when the
world needs saving and do exactly that."
(Roberto glares axes at her.)
Illyana (sweetly): "Who else do you want to be, Berto? Giles? Cordelia?
Snider?"
Robert (reconsiders): "I'm Xander."

Doug: "Who's Giles?"
Roberto: "He's a librarian and Buffy's watcher, i. e. he looks up stuff such
as prophecies on the apocalypse, spells to exorcise demons, the origin of
magical artifacts..."
Doug (slightly intimidated): "Books. Prophecies. Demons. I'm not sure if I
can handle that."

Illyana (encouragingly): "He also does regular librarian stuff such as
cataloguing books..."
Roberto (in a low voice that only Illyana can hear): "only once a season..."
Illyana: "and he's been dating the computer teacher..."
Roberto: "who unfortunately got killed right before they were going to have
sex..."
Illyana: "and he really looks cute in his tweed suites and with the
glasses."
Doug: "Hmm. Okay. I'm Giles."

Roberto (to Illyana): "Don't you think you should have told him that Giles
hates computers?"
Illyana: "Please keep in mind that Xander depends on Willow for his D in
math."

Dani: "And who's this Cordelia you mentioned?"
Roberto: "She's a nice, beautiful, intelligent, popular, trendsetting ..."
Illyana: "She's a bitch."
Amara: "I can handle that."
Dani: "Granted."

Illyana looks unconvinced.
Roberto: "You've got a problem with the casting?"
Illyana: "Cordelia is a _perceptive_ bitch."

Dani: "That leaves Buffy for me."
(She smiles triumphantly as she transforms.)
"I always wanted to wage a war against vampires."

Illyana: "Currently, you're more concerned to get a grip of your life again
because you sent your boyfriend to hell, which was necessary, because he was
evil and going to destroy the world, but then he was good again and you had
to kill him nonetheless, and you ran away, and when you came back, your
friends and your mother were angry at you and you had been kicked out of
school and there was this other slayer, who wanted to take over your life,
and..."

Dani: "Argh!! Stop it. I want to be a shelf in the library."
Roberto: "Don't the shelves regularly break and fall down?"
Sam: "Don't worry, Dani. We're going to get through this together."
Dani: "You're in hell."

Rahne: "What about Warlock? Whom can he play?"
Illyana: "Can't he be the computer?"
Rahne (angrily): "He's a techno-organic, not merely a computer."
Doug: "The script says we still need Buffy's mother, Joyce, and principal
Snider."
Warlock: "I offer myself."
Amara: "Can he play two roles?"
Doug: "They don't appear together, so it should be possible."
Warlock: "I'm Snowlock and Joylock."

Scene 1
Sunnydale High School

Roberto (as Xander): "Hi, Willow."
Illyana (as Willow): "Hi, Xander."
Roberto: "You look fabulous today, Willow."
Illyana: "Spit it out. What do you want?"
Roberto: "Actually, I was thinking you could help me with my chemistry
homework."

Illyana: "_You_ want _me_ to help _you_ with _your_ homework?"
(She laughs incredulously. Suddenly she sees Rahne as Oz approach.)
"Okay."

(She pushes him into an empty classroom.
They sit down and place their books on the desk.

Roberto: "So, I've got acid and magnesium... "

(Illyana does not listen but looks at Roberto comtemplatively.)

Roberto: "and I need the two of them to react..."

(Suddenly, Illyana spins Roberto around and starts kissing him passionately.
He is startled at first but then gives in.)

Roberto (breathless): "I never noticed that you were such a good kisser."
Illyana: "I've never kissed you before."
Roberto: "Aren't you supposed to be Oz' girlfriend?"
Illyana: "I read the spoilers. Willow and Xander are going to have a short
affair. Our significant others will find out and break up with us."

Roberto (suddenly angry): "So that's it? You're only making out with me
because you want to break up with Oz?!"
Illyana: "Damn you, Berto. You're not the one who has to be me and dating
Rahne."
Roberto (arrogantly): "Think of the viewers, Illyana. I'm Xander."

Illyana: "As you please, Alexandro. If you really want to know, no, I'm not
only kissing you because I want to break up with Oz but because I like you.
Not that I would be telling you if I were my normal self, but in this
identity I feel an urge to be sincere, and I admit that I have always
thought you were cute.
But you never seemed to get over this demon-inside issue and you are pining
for D.. uffy and that's why I never told you, you arrogant bastard."

Roberto: "You know what, Illya ... Willya, in this reality, I find my
capacity to love bitchy and/or demonic women enhanced. What do you say,
let's make out some more?"
(She doesn't answer but kisses him again.)

Scene 2:
The library of Sunnydale High

Dani is already seated at the table. No one else is to be seen.
Illyana and Roberto come in.

Illyana: "Sorry, we're late. We ...
We're the first?"

Dani (disgruntled) : "D... oyles decided to follow an intensive computer
course and R... Ozne decided to enroll in the jazz band."

Roberto: "And Am...elia? I mean, she is my girlfriend, and I am supposed to
know - but actually, I don't."

Dani: "She's moping in a corner because her dress was out of date.
Sad as it is, you guys are my only hope to get this plot going.
I want to face some danger as soon as possible, defeat it and then go home."

Illyana: "We could investigate some obscure prophecy."
(She starts leafing through some old tomes.)

Roberto (exasperated): "Do you want Duffy to die?"

Illyana: "Actually, I do not believe that Joss would use the same plot
device twice."

Doug (comes in, angry): "Why didn't you tell me that my girlfriend the
computer teacher is dead?"

Dani (jokingly): "What's death in the Marvelverse?"

Roberto (serious): "We're in the Buffyverse here. Dead people become undead
at best, in which case Duffy will have to slay them."

Illyana: "Xandro is right. Joss isn't nearly as good at resurrecting
characters as the Marvel authors are. We'd better shun anything involving
death prophecies or the end of the world until we have become more
accustomed to this world and its dangers."

Rahne (bursts in, sobbing): "O god, this is horrible. I just joined the jazz
band and we were talking animatedly, and then I learnt that they only
accepted me because their last guitarist is dead. He - he was bitten in the
neck and drained of all his blood."

Doug: "Sounds like a vampire attack."

Dani: "This vampire is dead. I'm going to slay them all."
(She prepares to leave.)

Illyana: "I hate to remind you, Duffy, but vampires do not come out before
dark."

Dani: "Fine. Then I shall wait for them in the graveyard at dusk."
She rushes off.

Roberto: "Does anybody else think she just redefined buffyspeak?"

Illyana: "What I am more worried about is, will slaying some vampires at the
graveyard be all we have to do in order to fill an hour of television?
You know, the plots are usually much nastier."

Scene 3
At the graveyard.

Everybody except Warlock is waiting.

Dani: "Why do these vampires never come out when you want a fight?"

Amara: "They prefer staying undead to being slain?"

Rahne: "I hope they won't kill us without our super powers."

Illyana: "Could you be any more optimistic, please?"

Doug: "Do you think being a vampire is worse than being dead?"

Illyana: "Do you think being turned into a shrimp is worse than being
quiet?"

Doug (to Roberto): "Why is she in such a bad mood?"

Roberto: "She checked her notes and didn't like the spells she is able to do
here."

Rahne: "You know, Willya, I do not like you dabbling with magic."

Illyana: "I should have stayed at home and studied chemistry."

A voice from behind.
"You're gonna attract vampires if you talk that loud."

Dani: "Sam! I thought you were in hell?!"

Sam (with a side glance to Illyana): "That doesn't stop other people from
going wherever they want, either."

Illyana: "Remember who's the demon here, undead boy."

Suddenly, a vampire attacks. Dani and her friends leap at him, but various
efforts at staking fail, and finally the vampire runs away.

Dani: "Damn. Evoking vampires' worst fears is much easier than becoming
their worst fear."

Rahne: "Next time, you will be successful."

Doug: "There's gonna be a next time?"

Amara: "Couldn't we use more effective weapons? Like swords?"

Sam: "Only wood works against vampires."

Roberto: "Actually, it's been stated that beheading with a sword works as
well."

Illyana: "It's even been proven in Becoming, which was a good episode, even
though the portal to hell was not portrayed in a realistic way."

Dani: "Fine. So from now on I will be Duffy the Valkyrie vampire slayer. Get
me a sword."

A voice from behind: "I have sandwiches and knives."

All: "Joylock! What are you doing here?"

Warlock: "I read the parenting manual. It said: feed your children."

Suddenly, a nasty demon with two heads, four hands and six pointed claws at
each hand appears.

Demon: "I'm gonna kill you all."

Dani lunges at the demon but he swats her off. Sam tries to protect Dani and
receives the same treatment.

Illyana: "I hate to say so, but I believe this is this universe's version of
a really nasty demon."

Rahne: "Do you think the script would allow us to run?"

They grab Dani and Sam and speed off.

Scene 4 (the next morning)
The library

Doug is leafing through some books.
Dani, Illyana and Roberto come in.

Dani: "Have you found something, Doyles?"

Doug: "It's - It's horrible."

Illyana: "Acathla has a big brother and he's out to get our heads?"

Doug: "Worse. I - I can't read this."

Roberto: "Sounds as though we are in for a warm-up of _Nightmares_."

Illyana: "No! Not another episode that supports such ridiculous assumptions
about somebody's astral form."

Dani: "Guys? Remember, he's my watcher. I'm supposed to know what you're
talking about when something is wrong with him."

Roberto: "Well, in "Nightmares", everybody's worst nightmares became
reality. Willya had to sing in front of a big audience..."

(Illyana starts singing exercises in the background.)

Roberto: "and Duffy was turned into a vampire..."

Illyana (interrupts her exercise to comment): "...after having been buried
alive..."

Roberto: "...and I was chased by a murderous clown..."

Illyana: "...before wiping the floor with him."

Roberto: "Since when do you compliment me?"

Illyana: "I was hoping you could spare me one of the chocolate bars your're
going to find."

Dani: "Guys. What about Doyles?"

Illyana: "He got lost in the library and could no longer read anything."

Dani: "That's horrible."

Doug: "O, I can still read English and French and German and Latin and Greek
and Hebrew, but that's it. I understand only five foreign languages and I
don't even know how to use the translating computer."

Illyana: "That's tough."

Amara comes in. She is very angry.

Amara: "Can you imagine those snobs told me my dress has been out of date
for at least two millennia?"

Illyana: "I didn't suspect that Harmony could be that bright."

Roberto elbows her, then goes to comfort Amara.

Roberto: "Hey, never mind them. You are way cooler than them. You can wear
any outdated rag and you'll still be way cooler than them."

Amara: "But I want vengeance on them."

Illyana (looks up from the tome she is browsing):
"Just don't use the same closet to dispose of the bodies where I dropped all
these weird guys who thought I should help them with their homework."

Amara and Roberto leave.

(Dani steps behind Illyana and looks at what she is reading.)

Dani: "A delustation spell? What are you going to use it for?"

Illyana: "Don't you think that all the romantic tension between Xandro and
Amelia is distracting us from our efforts to banish that nasty demon?"

Doug: "I found a book series about demons. Could anybody please help me go
through it for references to our friend?"

Dani: "Sorry, but we need to go to our English class."

Illyana: "English class? How are we going to get through it? We didn't do
the required reading. We don't even know what the required reading was."

Dani: "Don't worry. I'll read the teacher's mind and project all the answers
she wants to hear."

"Selffriendstudents Duffy Moonstars and Willya Raspenberg are not going to
do such a thing."

Dani and Illyana: "Snowlock!"

Illyana: "I mean, principal Snowlock."

Dani: "What can we do for you, principal?"

Warlock: "Until the demonic threat that currently makes it impossible for
any decent citizen to feel safe at the cemetery has been eliminated, self is
relieving you of your duties as students so that you can devote all your
time and energy to researching and exterminating said menace."

Illyana: "Has he been brainwashed or is he possessed by a good demon?"

Snowlock: "Self has read the principal's manual. It said that self is
responsible not only for his students' well-being but also for preparing
them to assume a social position that will allow them to benefit the
community."

Snowlock leaves.

Doug: "But how did he know about that demon we met in the graveyard?
I mean, I didn't tell him."

Dani: "Well, there is that special connection between him and Joylock."

Doug: "We know that, but the viewers don't."

Dani: "Well, there is still the obvious explanation."

Illyana: "What are all the Giles and Joyce shippers out there going to say?"

While the question of how the supporters of a relationship between Giles and
Joyce might react to the idea that Joyce and Snider have an affair still
lingers in the room, a piercing scream is suddenly heard.

Illyana: "That came from the hallway!"

Dani: "We have to save them!"

Dani and Illyana rush off. Doug follows at a safe distance.
When they reach the hallway, they see a slimy green monster attacking a
woman, apparently a teacher.

Illyana tries to release a spell, but all that she manages are some pink
sparks. Irritated, the monster knocks her to the floor.

Dani tries to use her psychic abilities against the monster, but to no
avail.
She, too, is knocked to the floor.

Roberto, who has heard the fighting noise, comes running and lunges at the
monster, but -- without his added strength as Sunspot - he is knocked to the
floor as well.

The monster prepares to attack its initial victim again, when suddenly it is
whacked over the head with the Encyclopedia Britannica by Doug.
The monster howls in pain and runs away.

Doug (very pleased with himself): "There are advantages to being used to
fighting without superpowers."

Illyana and Dani stare at Doug, dumbfounded. Roberto rubs his aching head.

Doug helps the woman who had been attacked by the monster get up.
She gazes at him in awe.

Woman: "O, Mr. Giles, you just saved my life. You are..."
She searches for words to express her gratitude and amazement.
"You are ... you are a super-librarian."
She kisses him deeply.

The others watch flabbergasted.

Roberto: "Are we watching another case of "Bewitched, Bothered and
Bewildered" here?"

Illyana: "I don't think Giles would do that. It's not in his character to
have a happy love life."

Roberto: "But what about Doyles?"

Illyana: "You've got a point."

Dani: "And now say it again for those of us who don't watch _Buffy_."

Illyana: "Well, in "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered", Xander..."

Roberto comes behind Illyana and puts a hand over her mouth in order to stop
her from speaking.

Roberto: " ...Xander did something that is not relevant to this discussion."

Illyana bites Roberto and he releases her.

Roberto: "Bitch."

Illyana: "At least I don't engage in paper chases with the whole female
population of Sunnydale."

They stare at each other.

Giles and the woman are still kissing and a crowd starts gathering around
them. Rahne, who has heard the screams, arrives and joins her friends.

Roberto (continues): "The point in question is: Would any woman find Doyles
attractive enough to kiss him unless she is under a spell?"

Illyana (convinced): "No."

Dani (uncertain): "I don't know."

Rahne (with ardor): "Yes!"

The others look at her in surprise.

Rahne (blushing): "I mean, he is sweet and intelligent and he looks
incredibly cute and he seems so vulnerable, but actually is a tough fighter,
and he can _kiss_."
She points to where Doug is still standing in a liplock with the woman he
has saved.

Rahne (embarrassed): "Not that I have ever kissed him - or any other man."

Roberto: "You're a very complex werewolf, aren't you?"

Scene 5
The library (again)

Dani, Illyana, Roberto, Amara, Rahne and Doug are gathered around a table,
discussing the latest events.

Dani: "I recapitulate: First, we meet a demon in the cemetary, then another
demon attacks a teacher in the hallway.
What's going to happen next?"

Illyana: "The apocalypse?"

Rahne: "Who's being pessimistic now?"

Illyana: "I'm _realistic_. This place is built on a hellmouth, after all."

Doug: "A hellmouth?"

Roberto: "It's a kind of convergence of mystic energies that attract all
sorts of evil creatures."

Amara: "That makes sense."

Dani: "Pardon?"

Amara: "I mean, these adolescent heroes whom we are currently impersonating
obviously do not have a teleporter amongst them, so they cannot go where the
evil is. Consequently, the evil has to come to them."

Roberto (admiringly): "You're right."

Illyana: "Excuse me. I really need to look up a spell."

Dani: "The question is: what can we do?"

Rahne: "Run and hide?"

Dani: "I'm not admitting defeat to a - a hellmouth."
(She pronounces the word with obvious disgust.)
"Isn't there a way how we can dissipate these mystic energies?"

Illyana (from behind): "You want to stay here for the rest of the season?"

Dani (serious): "Depends upon the working conditions and the payment.
I like being the main heroine."

Illyana: "You know, the lead figure is also the one who gets to angst the
most."

Dani: "Hmm. But this is the film business. I could do other movies on the
side."

Rahne: "Can't we concentrate on the things at hand? Like defeating these two
demons?"

Doug (waving two books): "We need to identify them first. Anyone gonna lend
me a hand?"

Illyana (from behind): "We could also ask Angel. He often knows stuff about
prophecies and magic that would take days of looking up for the rest of us."

Roberto: "I'll go and ask him."

Amara: "I'll come with you."

Amara and Roberto leave.

Rahne: "Excuse me, but I have to go to a meeting of the jazz band. All this
running around and improvising is such fun."

Rahne leaves.

Dani: "I'll patrol the school in case another one of these demons shows up."

She grabs an Encyclopedia Britannica and heads off.

Doug resigns himself to having to go through his books alone.

Scene 6
The mansion

Roberto opens the door.

Roberto: "Sam? Are you here?"

Sam's voice (from the depths of the basement):
"Close the door."
(after Roberto has done so):
"Being a vampire gives the word "sunburn" a whole new meaning."

Roberto: "Calm down, Sam. You survived hell, after all."

Sam: "By now, I even remember how I got there. But there are still holes in
my memory, e. g., can you tell me how I lost my soul for the second time?"

Roberto: "We don't want to have to change the rating, Sam."

Sam: "Why have you come at all? As long as it's still day, there isn't much
I can do for you."

Roberto: "There isn't a chance you know something about the demon we met
last night?"

Sam: "Well, I could go through my memory, but actually, I have more
important things to do."

Roberto: "Saving Buffy and the world is no longer a priority for you?"

Sam: "You know, I feel that my time as Angel is limited, and there are so
many bad things he has done, and he needs to make amends for them.
Do you think I should transform this mansion into a shelter for homeless
people, or maybe a home for demented fanfiction writers?"

Roberto (leaving): "Do whatever seems right to you."

Scene 6
The canteen

Dani, Roberto, Rahne and Amara are sitting at a table.
In front of each is a plate with something that might, with a large dose of
good will, be regarded as food.

Dani: "How can anyone survive this food longer than one season?"

Amara: "Good luck -- or a tough stomach?"

Rahne: "I'd like to know what it consists of."

Roberto: "Why don't you ask your girlfriend?
I mean, she is a witch and a hacker, she knows about medicine and forensics,
she could even determine that a cake contains an ecstasy-like drug with the
help of a school microscope, she should be able to tell you."

Dani: "The question is: do we really want to know?"

Illyana arrives, humming merrily and skipping to a dance beat only she can
hear.

Illyana: "Hi, guys."
She plops into a chair.
"Anything new?"

Roberto: "Why are you in such a good mood?"

Illyana (proudly): "I found a spell that allows me to turn people into
rats."

Rahne (under her breath): "I don't like her dabbling with magic like that."
(aloud): "Excuse me, I forgot something."

Rahne leaves.

Illyana: "So what did _you_ find?"

Roberto (growls): "Angel is on one of his brooding kicks, and isn't going to
help us."

Amara: "I went shopping and met Joylock. She explained to me how to
moisturize."

Dani: "I met the janitor and he explained to me that students aren't
supposed to enter the basement. I hate that guy."

Amara: "Did you slay him?"

Roberto (chiding): "Duffy can't slay everyone she doesn't like. That
wouldn't be ethical."

Illyana: "It could save us a lot of trouble if she did it right away,
though.
There's a tradition in the buffyverse that people whom Duffy doesn't like
turn out to be evil, so that she ends up slaying them sooner or later. Just
think of "Ted", or Pat in _Dead Man's Party_."

Amara: "That's strange. In the Marvelverse, we usually develop an aversion
for people who are evil, not vice versa."

Roberto: "Willya is right. Duffy has a habit of sensing supernatural dangers
even where they aren't obvious."

Illyana: "There's a routine that Duffy suspects something evil, but the
others don't believer her until it bites them - figuratively or literally.
Just think of _The Puppet Show_ or _Killed by Death_.
Or _The Pack_. In that episode, a gang of students was possessed by hyena
spirits, and Xandro was a victim, too, and he..."

Roberto (cutting her off): "I think that _I Robot, You Jane_ is a much
better example to demonstrate the principle of supernatural danger ignored
until it is almost too late."

Illyana (angrily): "My favorite example for people endangering their lives
by not listening to warnings is still _Teacher's Pet_."

They get ready to engage in a shouting match.

Dani: "Guys! Remember the really important things and try settle your
differences."

Illyana (thinks, then offers as a compromise): "_Reptile Boy_?"

Roberto: "I can accept that example."

Rahne returns.

Rahne: "What are you guys shouting about?"

Dani: "I told Willya that I disliked the janitor and she thinks that means
he is evil."

Rahne: "You cannot assume that every unfriendly, swearing, smoking janitor
who wipes the brush over your feet when you pass and calls you a "filthy
student" is a demon. What makes you think he is evil?"

Illyana: "Years of life in Limb... - I mean life out on a limb, the constant
danger of the Hellmouth."

Dani: "Ok. I'll keep an eye on the janitor. Amelia, you help Doyles identify
these demons and Willya, you try to find a spell against them.
Xandro, you go cheer up Angel, and Rahne, you can practice jazz music."

Scene 7
The library

Illyana and Amara enter.

Doug: "Nice to see that finally somebody has decided to help me.
Ozne just came barging in, grabbed a book and disappeared."

Illyana: "I left a spell book on that table. Did you put it away?"

Amara: "The book with the charm that transforms people into rats?
Are you going to use it against the demon?"

Illyana: "Maybe." (suddenly struck by an idea)
"Would you allow me to practice it on you?"

Doug: "I thought you couldn't find the book which contains the spell?"

Illyana: "That's no problem, I've learnt it by heart. I just haven't
memorized the counter spell yet."

She starts searching the shelves for the tome in question.

Scene 8
The Mansion

Sam and Roberto are in the middle of a conversation.

Sam: "All the bad things I did - it's horrible."

Roberto: "It wasn't you, Sam. The demon was in control then."

Sam: "But I should have been stronger."

Roberto: "You didn't have your soul then. How could you have controlled your
dark side?"

Sam: "But it's dreadful, having a demon inside."

Roberto: "Think of the positive side: as long as you have this vampire demon
inside you, no other fiend can possess you."

Sam: "But..."

Roberto: "All the writers see in you is Duffy's lovelorn boyfriend, but you
have the potential to be so much more and now is the time to prove it."

Sam: "But..."

Roberto: "And you can mope all you want to - maybe take some decades off in
the backalleys of L. A. -- _after_ this is over.
But now you are going to help me save Duffy and the world."

Roberto drags Sam to his feet.

"Come on. It's dark and we have a meeting with the others."

Sam reluctantly follows him, staring at Roberto's throat.

Scene 9
The Rosenberg's house

Dani rings. Illyana opens the door and lets her in.
Amara is waiting inside.
The girls take their places on the sofa.

Illyana: "Don't you think that this is so much more comfortable than the
chairs in the library?"

Amara: "Yes, but we still need to stop these demons."

Dani: "I talked to the janitor. He admitted being the green demon, but he
blamed it on some drops that the school nurse had given him against his
nervous trembling. After he promised he wouldn't take them again, I let him
live."

Illyana: "That leaves the nasty demon from the cemetary. Doug identified it
as "Foedus the abominable". We also know that he lives on cemetary rats, but
I couldn't find a spell against this dreadful creature.
I went through the book with banishing rituals from cover to cover twice,
but all I could find were spells to stop the so-called "Ascension" of a
demon, there was nothing against ordinary fiends."

Dani: "Can I see the book for myself, please?"

Illyana: "Sorry. I got so frustrated at it that I burnt it."

The doorbell rings. Illyana opens the door. It is Sam and Roberto.

Roberto: "Why are we meeting here instead of in the library? We had to walk
all the way there and then back here after we found your note."

Illyana: "I want to avoid plot device number 2a."

Sam: "What's that?"

Illyana: "It means that we are researching in the library to banish some
evil or other and ,before we can do so, some vampires attack us, because the
library is a public place, which vampires can enter, whereas this is a
private home, which no vampire can enter without being invited.
Come in, please, Angel."

Roberto: "Aren't your parents going to suspect something if we start
planning anti-demon attacks in their living room?"

Illyana: "I am relying on plot device number 1 here, which is, by the way,
applicable to all fictional universes, including our own:
No parent, authority figure or room-mate is ever going to fail to be absent
when the plot requires it."

Roberto looks unconvinced.

Illyana: "How many issues can you name where we fought alongside with the
professor?"

Roberto thinks hard.
Roberto: "Hm. One. Hmm. Two. Hmmm...... Ok, you could be right."

Dani: "Now that we've established that, can we get back to work, please?
So far, all we know about this demon is that we don't know how to stop it."

Illyana: "Well, I found a spell to attract the demon."

Roberto: "If we ever want to be his breakfast, that will prove incredibly
helpful."

Dani (before Roberto and Illyana can engage in a heated argument yet again):
"By the way, has anybody seen Doyles?"

Amara: "He insisted on taking his four-wheeled vehicle that some decades ago
could have been defined as a car."

The doorbell rings again. Doug and Rahne arrive.

Doug: "Sorry. My car broke down three times."

Rahne: "And I helped him push it here after the third time."

Doug (affectionately): "It was faster than driving this way."

Dani: "Have you any good news concerning the demon?"

Rahne (close to tears): "He is sabotaging the jazz band. One of my
co-musicians told me that, when they were practicing in the graveyard last
Friday, somebody called the police about a disturbance of the peace."

Illyana: "Not everybody likes jazz music."

Rahne: "You don't understand. The police only intervened because this
somebody was a two-headed demon with four hands and 24 claws who complained
that the music was making his head explode and who threatend to kill the
police officers if they did not do something."

Dani: "Is everybody else thinking the same as me?"

Amara: "The demon is not musical?"

Illyana: "We can kill him with jazz music."

Dani: "All we need is the help of the jazz band."

Roberto: "Actually, I don't think we should get them involved. This is only
the fourth episode of the season, and I have a feeling that some bigger
dangers might still be in hiding. These students may be untrained, but they
still form an army that could prove essential to win the final battle."

Rahne: " I could get some sound recordings of the band. We have a CD. And we
could get CD players and big loudspeakers and extension cords from the
Bronze."

Dani: "Ok, we'll do it that way. But remember, furtop, when the actual
action begins, _I_ am key girl."

Everybody leaves to prepare the final fight with the demon.

Scene 9
The cemetary

Dani and her friends are hiding behind gravestones.
CD-players and loudspeakers form a circle around a cage filled with rats.

Doug: "Do you really think this is going to work? I mean, isn't Foedus going
to smell the difference between a real cemetary rat and the ones we bought
in that pet shop? And won't he be suspicious that the rats are in a cage?"

Dani: "We have to take that chance. As long as I don't have my powers back,
I can't communicate to them that we need them as bait and that they have to
pose in that clearing for the greater good."

Doug: "Some demons are telepathic. What if he reads our minds and finds out
about our plan? Will he eat us? Or merely torture and kill us?"

Dani: "Doyles, stop panicking and shut up."

Roberto: "You know, it's really chilly here. I never thought a Californian
evening could be this chilly."

Illyana starts humming:
"They say you never freeze in Southern California, but boy, don't they warn
you, it's cold, man, it's cold."

Doyles: "Could you guys at least pretend you're frightened?"

Rahne: "You know, I wonder how these demons breed. Do you think there are
boy demons and girl demons?"

Illyana: "Well, most demons are like vampires. They multiply by turning
humans into their kind, but some demons are capable of parthenogenesis as
well."

Doug (in a detached, scientific manner): "Deformis the Freak uses human
intestines to create offspring, while Turpis the Orgy-Lover plants eggs into
the body of virgin boys, whereas Detestabilis the Ugly prefers to animate
rotten cabbage with deformed human souls."

(realizing what he is saying, with sudden panic): "O God, I didn't take into
account that there were that many fates worse than dying."

Dani: "Relax. You can suffer only one of them."

Sam: "Actually..."

He catches Dani's warning glare.

Sam: "Actually - that's quite a point."

Amara: "Why do all the demons have Latin names?"

Illyana: "The person who cataloged them didn't speak Greek?"

Roberto: "As much as I hate to interrupt your enlightening scientific
discussion, don't you think we should do something about that black feline
that is sneaking around our rats?"

Sam: "I'll take care of it. I haven't eaten yet today."

Illyana: "No!"

Sam: "Since when are you a member of the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Cemetary Cats?"

Illyana: "Willow is. Besides, I think every Wicca needs a coal-black cat."

Sam (disgruntled): "If you insist."

Roberto: "You know, Sam, I really don't like the way you're staring at my
throat."

Amara: "Can't we go home and come back when the demon finally shows up?"

Roberto: "There's some irresistible logic in that plan."

Meanwhile, Illyana gathers the cat up from the ground and starts stroking
it. The cat gives a hungry meow.

Illyana: "You poor kitten. You haven't had a meal in days, have you?
Wait, I'll get you Ozne's milk package from the van."

Rahne: "Hey! That was going to be _my_ midnight snack."

Illyana: "First you neglect me in favor of the jazz band, and now you're
refusing to share your milk with my kitten?"

Illyana stalks off with her newly adopted cat.

Dani (to Rahne): "You know, there is some compelling logic in your
girlfriend's argument."

Sam: "What do we do if the demon doesn't show up tonight?"

Dani: "We come back tomorrow."

Rahne: "I hate this job. I don't want to spend my nights waiting for demons
to show up at the graveyard while everybody else is busy having fun at the
Bronze."

Doug: "C'est la vie."

Dani: "That's the cow?"

Amara: "Why don't we use the spell Willya found in order to attract the
demon?"

Dani: "She would have needed an orb of Thesula for it, and her mother broke
hers when doing the dusting, while the owner of the only shop that sold them
is dead and took the secret where you can order them with him."

Roberto: "Shouldn't Willya be back already? It's been one and a half
minutes."

Amara: "Perhaps she is practicing to turn some cemetary rats into humans?"

At this moment, a piercing scream is heard. A second later, Illyana is seen
running as fast as she can, her black kitten clutched to her breast, while
Foedus the Abominable is chasing her.

Foedus: "I hate cats. They always eat my rats."

Dani: "I guess Ozne isn't the only one who is possessive about his food."

Roberto: "Don't you think we should help Willya?"

Sam: "There isn't much we can do without being eaten ourselves."

Rahne: "We could distract the demon by throwing humus at it."

Amara: "We need Willya to lead the demon here."

They start shouting Willya's name and cheer her up.

Illyana hears them and changes direction. Foedus is only seconds behind her.
Illyana arrives at the clearing and leaps over the rat cage. Foedus is too
absorbed in the chase to notice the obstacle, so he stumbles over it.

Dani: "Now!"

Rahne touches a switch, and blaring jazz music starts to blast from all over
the place.
Foedus clutches his head and screeches in a ghastly way, before exploding
into green slime.
Illyana lets go of the cat and collapses into Roberto's arms.
Everybody is dumbfounded.

Doug: "I - I can't believe we beat that demon."

Dani: "I can't either. There must be a snag to it. Either it has a clone or
a twin brother, or it has already laid its eggs, or it's going to come back
from the dead or..."

Sam "Relax, Dani. We beat it."

Dani: "Really? So I'm a good slayer?"

Sam: "You're the best."

Sam and Dani embrace.

Illyana (to Roberto): "The demon is gone?"

Roberto: "We beat it."

Illyana: "So I can faint now?"

Roberto: "Breathe. Everything is all right."

Illyana gazes deeply into his eyes.

Illyana: "I feel like panicking."

They embrace and start kissing passionately.

Rahne (to herself, staring disgustedly at the green slime that is covering
everything, including the ersatz Scooby gang):
"I'm never going to listen to jazz music again."

Amara (who got the largest portion of disgusting green slime): "I liked this
outfit. I'm never going to get all that awful green slime out of it."

Amara stares absentmindedly in the direction of the gravestone behind which
Illyana and Roberto are making out, but, distraught with her own misery, is
oblivious to the couple.

Anyanka steps up to her.

Anyanka: "It's horrible, isn't it?"

Amara: "It's appalling. I wish..."

Anyanka (expectantly): "Yes?"

Amara: "I wish we had never met that demon."

Anyanka: "You're sure you don't want something else?"

Amara (with emphasis): "I wish we had never come to this universe at all."

Anyanka: "You're _really_ sure about this?"

Amara (with even more emphasis): "I want to be in my own universe, take a
long hot shower and fight our own super-villains with my friends."

Anyanka looks disappointed at that wish, but she complies.
Within the blink of an eye the New Mutants are transported back to the
Marvelverse.

Epilogue
back at Xavier's mansion

Dani: "We're back in our own world - just when I was getting the hang of
being the slayer."

Roberto (after disentangling himself from Illyana): "Somebody's coming up to
us. O God, it's Buffy."

Roberto directs lusting glances at Buffy.

Illyana (in a low threatening voice): "Just remember that in this universe,
there are much worse things that can happen to you than an E in math."

Dani: "So this is the girl whose place I took? Somehow I thought she would
be taller."

Buffy: "Who are you? This is a private school."

Illyana: "As opposed to you, we live here."

Xander shows up.

Xander: "Buffy, do you need help against these intruders?"

Dani: "Calm down, everybody. We are friends. Or at least, we should be,
because we have just slain in your place a demon that was attacking
Sunnydale."

Xander looks them up and down.

Xander: "You guys are the New Mutants, aren't you?"

Illyana : "I'm glad that you didn't read only Spiderman."

Buffy: "You mean, these are the people who actually live here?"

Xander: "Basically, yes, though they look as if they had much less fun than
we did."

Amara: "We didn't have any fun."

Dani: "So what did you guys do in our absence?"

Buffy: "Not much. Though I told this professor of yours that we would no
longer take orders from him."

Doug: "What did he say?"

Buffy: "He complained and whined a lot, and then he packed his suitcases and
moved to Massachusetts. O, and he said that he would no longer pay for your
living expenses- I hope this won't be a problem."

Doug: "O GOD!"
Doug knocks his head against a tree trunk.

Willow, Oz and Angel show up.

Willow: "Is everything okay? We heard someone scream."

Buffy: "Don't worry, Willow. These guys are our relief in this universe."

Rahne looks around and notices an overturned tree.

Rahne: "What happened here?"

Xander blushes.

Buffy: "Xander enjoyed his flying powers. Unfortunately, his enthusiasm was
greater than his ability to maneuver."

Sam: "But - if Roberto was Xander, shouldn't Xander have become Sunspot?"

Willow: "Well, Xander insisted on being Cannonball, and kept delaying the
beginning of the plot, so the authors gave in."

Angel: "And I got to be Sunspot. I really took pleasure from all that
sunbathing -- without any risk of sunburn."

Illyana (after looking around): "Have there always been so many oaks here?"

Willow (with a sheepish smile): "I tried to conjure up Magik's soulsword,
but all I managed were acorns."

Dani (worried): "What did you need the soulsword for?"

Oz: "The dishwasher became evil and Willow wanted to reform it."

Buffy: "But since that didn't work, I had to slay it."

Giles comes running up to them.

Giles: "Buffy, you have to see this. Principal Snider and your mother - they
are normal again."

Buffy: "Is this supposed to be good news?"

Doug (to Giles): "You're the librarian, aren't you? So what did you do with
my computer skills while I had to research the occult with the knowledge of
only six languages?"

Giles (perplexed): "I - I had computer skills? I - I didn't notice them. I
was busy trying - trying to convince Snider and Joyce that - that they are
not one being and therefore cannot m-merge."

Cordelia comes running, screaming.

Cordelia: "O god, there is an alien and it talks."

Dani: "It seems Warlock made a new friend."

Cordelia: "Who are these losers? Their hairstyles look as though they were
stuck in the eighties - and their clothes. Ick.
Isn't it enough that we are stranded in this weird place and my boyfriend
has turned into a flying rhinoceros - no, somebody has to come and see us."

Illyana: "Isn't she nice and perceptive?"

Cordelia: "Who are you? I don't take insults from somebody who hasn't seen a
hairdresser in nine years."

Roberto: "You have to admit she _is_ perceptive."

Xander: "Don't upset her, Cordie. She's our ticket home - though her timing
is miserable."

Illyana: "One more word and I'll give you a ride to hell."

Roberto: "Illyana, calm down. We want to see future episodes of _Buffy_,
don't we?"

Illyana (reconsiders): "Ok. I'll send them home."

She concentrates and her stepping disks take the Scooby gang back to their
own universe.

Dani: "At which point in time did you drop them?"

Illyana: "Right before the history test that we - they are supposed to take
tomorrow."

Rahne: "I would have liked to talk to Oz. I wonder how he copes - having to
chain himself up every full moon and such."

Doug: "If you want to know what it is like to be chained up, I would be glad
to help you."

Rahne: "That's so sweet of you, Doug."

Sam: "I'm relieved that I'm no longer a vampire. Though the immortality
thing was kind of neat."

Illyana: "I miss all the knowledge that I had about chemistry and other
school stuff."

Roberto: "I could coach you, if you want."

Illyana: "That would be nice. This evening, 10 o'clock, in my room sound
good to you?"

Dani: "I'm gonna practice some roundhouse kicks."

Amara: "I'll take a long shower."

Roberto: "Wait. It's Tuesday."

Amara: "I can't take a shower on Tuesday?"

Illyana: "Tuesday is Buffy day."
She glances at her watch.
"The show begins in five minutes. We don't want to miss our own episode."

The New Mutants hurry inside and gather in front of the TV set.

The announcer appears on screen.

"Dear viewers,
we know that you are eagerly awaiting the next episode of _Buffy the Vampire
Slayer_.
Unfortunately, this episode contains violence against an unknown kind of
demon, and since we do not possess any reliable information on the possible
existence or non-existence of this demon or its possible reaction to the
portrayal of its species in this episode, we are going to delay it
indefinitely, until we can rule out the possibility that said demon exists
with 100% certainty.
We wish you an entertaining evening with a rerun of our documentary "The
life of African snails" and hope you will continue to support our channel."

Roberto: "Support your channel?! We're gonna blow it up!"

Dani: "Doug, hack into their computers. I want to know the real reason for
this delay."

Rahne: "Maybe we weren't good enough?"

Dani: "Not good enough?! I was an excellent slayer - I mean, we were an
excellent slay team."

Illyana: "But the plot does not have any morally-uplifting message or other
redeeming qualities. It is simply we came, fooled around and slayed."

Sam: "That's what we always do in the Marvelverse. Why shouldn't it work in
the Buffyverse?"

Warlock: "Could selffriends New Mutants please set their acoustic output to
mute so that self can watch the documentary about snails undisturbed?"