Subject: "Bureaucracy" Disclaimer: The characters depicted within this story are copyrighted by Marvel. No copyright infringement is intended and no financial gain is realized from this story. (I'm just trying to save the money for a therapy.) Title: Bureaucracy and other obstacles to happiness Author: Hekatis Rating: PG Summary: Doug wrestles with bureaucracy. (Parody) Characters: most of the original New Mutants (Dani, Rahne, Sam, Roberto, Illyana, Doug) Feedback: Any and all feedback is welcome. I didn't have a beta-reader for this one, so if someone wants to go through the language, I'd be grateful. (Write to hekatis@hotmail.com) Author's note: In case that this story gives you the impression that I'm a stressed freshman who wrestles with an insidious university administration that tries to put every obstacle thinkable between her and the courses she wants/has to take, you could be right! Bureaucracy and other obstacles to happiness by Hekatis Doug watched the flies buzzing around the lamp. By his calculations, they would be able to maintain their hum for at least another 17,883 minutes; longer, of course, if they took breaks. One of the flies sat down on the bulb for 8,4 seconds. He recalculated. 17,988 minutes. Rahne came in. "Are you bored, Doug?" "I, ah, no, I'm, uhm, watching the flies. It's quite ,ahm, interesting." Rahne looked at the flies, perplexed. Obviously, she couldn't see anything fascinating about them. If he was honest, Doug did not see anything fascinating about them himself. But watching the flies was better than staring out of the window at the firs and spruces and counting the number of their needles for the 13th time. How could anyone think that a holiday in a small Bavarian village was a good idea? How could he have been stupid enough to agree when Nightcrawler had suggested taking the New Mutants to a vacation in a wooden hut in the Black Forest? Admittedly, they had running water and electricity, but that was it. No radio, no TV, no computer. No internet access. He envied Warlock, who had stayed at home because Xavier and Moira wanted to study his ability to transform organic matter, and Amara, who had flatly refused to come along because she didn't want to visit a country whose inhabitants had the impertinence to defeat their Roman conquerors in 9BC. "Ah, Doug, do you want to go for a walk?" Rahne asked, interrupting his depressed musings. Rahne loved their vacation in the wilderness with all the trees and the open air and the animals. Danielle was equally content. Illyana did not care where she was as long as she could practice her magic and taunt the boys, while Roberto and Sam at least coped. Doug shook himself from his reverie. "What did you say, Rahne?" "I asked if we could go for a walk. Of course, if you would rather play volleyball with the others - I think they are still looking for an arbiter." Doug weighed his options. Playing volleyball with the others could be interesting. On the other hand, there might be flies to count in the woods as well. In the volleyball match, Dani and Yana were usually paired against Sam and Berto. The greater strength of the boys should normally have assured their victory, but strangely, it often happened that even perfect strokes of theirs would go down outside the lines. Dani claimed that they could not blame any optical illusion on her talent, while Illyana insisted that the strange light they had seen around the ball was just a reflection of the sun. The shouting matches between the opponents could be quite amusing but, as the arbiter, he would have to make a decision and the question was: Did he prefer being beaten up or facing his worst nightmares? "A walk will be fine, Rahne." During the walk, they also came to a newsagent's, where Doug bought all the newspapers he could find, with the intention of translating them into every known language and a few he had yet to invent. There were only 8 more days to spend in this dump. Occupying himself with the papers, Doug noticed an interesting article about a computer symposium going to be held at a nearby university the next day. Doug rejoiced. Today was the last day participants could sign up, so he still had a chance to enroll and escape his boredom if he managed to get there in time. He raced to the nearest train station, and an hour (and two passenger opinion polls later) he was at his destination. He still had an hour before the bureau for the enrollment closed at noon. He asked a passer-by for the way (and then another one and another one), and only half an hour later he was in the right street. He went up the street in search of number 1 (unfortunately, the buildings did not bear numbers, so he did not know if he was going in the right direction). Number one was not up the street, so he went down the street. Number 1 was not there either. He hastened up the street again. No number one. Desperately, he rushed down again. Nothing. He broke down in the middle of the sidewalk and started praying. A good fairy (or maybe it was just a local woman, but to Doug she seemed like a good fairy) came by and told him that number 1 was in a back alley and the entrance was between number 2 and 4. Doug kissed her and dashed for the building. Ten minutes before noon. Unfortunately, the official in charge had decided to close his office ten minutes early. After Doug had cursed him in all known languages (and offered do all the month's computer work for him), the man agreed to work till five before noon and began filling in the necessary form. Doug rejoiced. He was going to be at the symposium. He would escape his boredom. Everything seemed all right - until the official said: "Please transfer the charge for attendance to this bank account. As soon as you present the receipt, you will be enrolled." Doug almost fell off his chair. "But how can I present the receipt when you have just given me the form for transferring the money? I promise, I will pay the charge, could you just sign me up, please?" Doug pleaded with the man. He threatened and he bribed him. Nothing helped. He was not going to attend the symposium. Desperation clutched his heart as he found himself in the street again. The office was not open this afternoon. (Actually, it wasn't open on any afternoon of the week.) There was no way he could get himself enrolled and receive a passport to enter the halls of the symposium, or was there? Two ideas came to his mind: burglary and time travel. It was time he asked his friends for help. When he returned to their vacation dwelling, the others were assembled on the terrace, enjoying anything but the sight of the beautiful scenery in front of their eyes. Dani was working with her pocket computer. Rahne was writing something on a pad, while Sam was glancing over her shoulder admiringly. Illyana was using a mirror as a portable scrying glass and watching rock concerts. Roberto was eagerly discussing something with his father on the phone. Warlock and Amara still had the luck and common sense to be absent from this boring place. "Hi, Doug!" Rahne greeted him enthusiastically. "Did you enjoy your visit to the university?" "All in all, yes." "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've been working on a stage play based on Little Red Riding Hood. Sam thinks it's good enough that we should present it to an audience. Would you like to play the heroic hunter who saves Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother from the evil wolf?" Rahne had a pleading expression on her face. He supposed she had intended the part of Little Red Riding Hood for herself. "Don't you think that he would be better suited to play the grandmother?" Sam objected. "He has the right build for it." Doug had always suspected that Sam had no eye for proportions, but now he knew it for sure. "I don't know," Rahne replied, unsure. Sam patted her reassuringly on the shoulder. "You're a good writer, Rahne. I know you'll make the right casting decision." Doug felt jealousy surge within himself. Maybe he should design a Tamagotchi for Rahne so that she didn't need Sam's attention when he wasn't around. "I just don't know. What do you think, Dani?" Rahne asked her best friend for advice. "Should Doug play the hunter or the grandmother?" "Huh, what? My grandmother is visiting?" Dani was startled from her pocket computer and dropped it to the floor. "Rahne wants to know whether you think Doug is better fitted to play a strong, intrepid hunter who slays an evil wolf in Rahne's play, or a weak and frightened grandmother who is eaten by the hungry, evil wolf," Illyana explained. Dani looked Doug up and down. "Can't he play Little Red Riding Hood? I think he has the build for it." Dani picked up her pocket computer again. "O, no! The program terminated itself. I was so close to reaching the next level of 'Wildlife'," she exclaimed. Doug sighed inwardly. There seemed to be no chance of enlisting Dani for his plan to gain access to the computer symposium by means of illusion casting, not with her engrossed in the 7th updated version of 'Wildlife' and angry at him for interrupting her. "I could rewrite the play so that the seven little nanny goats make a guest appearance in it. This way, there would be parts to play for all of us," Rahne mused aloud. "That's an excellent idea, Rahne," Sam complimented Rahne, stroking her hair affectionately. "I've found it!" Illyana suddenly rejoiced. "The spell to turn princes back into frogs?" Roberto inquired sarcastically. "No, I already know that one. This is much better. I've found the first concert of the Rolling Stones in the timestream." "Could you please listen to it somewhere where it doesn't disturb my concentration on 'Wildlife'?" Dani demanded. "No Dad, I wasn't suggesting that we sell frogs to the government of Bangladesh. - Yes, I'm glad that the further training of our employees has paid off and that productivity has doubled since we introduced computers everywhere. - Yes, I'm convinced, too, that we'll soon be ruling the word, Dad. I'll call you back later, there's an important discussion going on here in which I have to participate," Roberto told his father and hung up. "Can't you write a frog into the play so that Doug can have a part in it?" Roberto suggested. "If you let me play an evil fairy who wants to conquer the world, I could turn him into one," Illyana offered. "That is... conquer the world. Excuse me. I just thought of something I need to do." Illyana left. Doug was weighing his options. The chances of convincing Rahne to help him break into the building were minimal because it would be against her ethics. The chances of getting Sam to help him were nil because it would constitute a breach of his ethics plus be a bad example for Rahne. The chances of getting Roberto to do him any favor were non-existent under any circumstances. That left Illyana. If he offered her his body, soul and yet-to-procreate offspring she might agree to help him. It was worth a try. He knocked on the door of her room. "Come in if you're not afraid of demons." He entered. Illyana was holding up a piece of paper with the letter A written on it. Two blue demons with yellow spots were gazing at it uncomprehendingly. "Illyana, can you do me a favor? I need to go back in time." "Sorry, Doug, I'm busy. I'm teaching my demons to read and write." "What for? I mean, they don't need to be able to read and write in order to wreck havoc." "Well, but if I ever conquer the earth, I'll need competent employees to run the administration." "Couldn't you spare me at least a minute? Your demons have been illiterate for ages." "No." "But..." Illyana ended the discussion by summoning a stepping disk that transported Doug back to the terrace, where Roberto was telephoning his father again. Maybe, if he offered to serve him for the rest of his life.... "Did you insult the sorceress supreme?" Roberto inquired sarcastically. "The yellow spots suit you excellently." "No, Dad, I wasn't suggesting that we produce little chocolate sorceresses for Christmas. On second thought, though, I was suggesting that. - Yes, I'm glad that the sales figures for our plastic dinosaurs have gone up. - Yes, I'm convinced, too, that we'll soon be ruling the universe. ..." Doug watched Roberto talk to his father over the phone. Something within him snapped. He suddenly knew that he was ready to undertake any wild and dangerous action in order to reach his goal. If this wild and dangerous action involved blackmailing Roberto da Costa, all the better. He raced to the local Internet cafe. Some apt mouseclicks and complex commands later, he had restructured the world economy. He sped back to their vacation dwelling. "Listen, da Costa, unless you help me to break into a building and steal an admission passport to a computer exhibition, I'll make your enterprise go bankrupt. If I don't revoke my orders within the next twelve hours, the stockmarkets are going to crash tomorrow and bury your business underneath the rubble." Roberto gaped but complied. Six hours later, (German night trains are much slower than the day connections) Doug had his admission card and revoked the computer commands. That was when Roberto knocked him out. "From now on, you are going to work for me," Roberto announced. "No, for me," Illyana protested. "He needs help," Rahne screamed. "Calm down, Rahne," Sam soothed. "Teleport us to Limbo, Magik. We're drawing too much attention here," Dani demanded. Doug lost consciousness. He awoke in hell. (Figuratively, unless one counts the fact that he was in Limbo and a green demon with purple spots was using his back as a slate to claw the letter A on.) Roberto, Illyana, Dani, Rahne and Sam were arguing what to do with him. All of them agreed that he was a danger to the world, but they couldn't decide how to protect the world from him. Roberto wanted to transfer him to a mental asylum that belonged to da Costa International, where he would be brainwashed into a loyal servant to their enterprise. Illyana wanted to turn him into a demon so that he could fit Limbo with computers and oversee the training of her demons on the machines. Dani was advocating he spend several years away from modern civilization in the wilderness to regain his sanity. Rahne offered to come along and hunt for him. Sam told her that he loved her far more than Doug and that she should stay with him instead. The seven little nanny goats were discussing who of them was going to eat him. Doug awoke with a start from his nightmare. Never again would he agree to be the arbiter in a volleyball match.