Disclaimer: The New Mutants belong to Marvel. Everything else in this story sprang from my wild imagination. Author: Hekatis Title: The blessings of new chairs and a headache Rating: PG Characters: Illyana, Roberto, Doug, Sam, Rahne, Dani, Amara Type of story: parody Summary: Illyana suffers from amnesia and the rest of the New Mutants are equally beset with problems. Archiving: Please ask first unless I gave you prior permission. Feedback: (Please note different email address). Will be welcomed at Claudia.Schlosser@asamnet.de Author's note: I can't afford a psychiatrist, so I have to keep writing. The blessings of new chairs and a headache by Hekatis (finished August 15, 2002) "They really are comfortable, aren't they?" Dani praises the new chairs in the living room. "And have you noticed the elegant form?" Sam points out. "They look ... royal," Amara forces herself to say, participating in the 'say something nice about our new chairs' program. Illyana and Roberto stroll in, Roberto is leading Illyana by the hand. Roberto sees the new chairs and freezes. Reproachfully, he turns to Illyana. "Darling, what did I say about the use of my check-book for unethical actions?" Illyana looks bewildered. "I – I don't remember buying these chairs." Doug comes behind them. "Illyana, the fact that you can't remember who you are doesn't mean you can straddle us with bright demon-red chairs!" he chides. "Who's Illyana?" the currently-not-practicing-demon-sorceress-with-amnesia asks. Roberto flops down on an of the bright demon-red new chairs. "I should have included an 'if it doesn't work, you'll get your money back'-clause in her shrink's contract." "He was the only one who was willing to treat her," Dani remarks. "He was the only one who needed the money desperately enough," Roberto corrects her. "I just wonder where all of them got her clinical record including her tendency for violence." "They had a right to know. Just why do we want Illyana to be her old self again, anyway?" Doug mutters under his breath. "Because I'm fed up with her demons coming to complain on my shoulder!" Roberto yells. Sam takes Illyana aside. "What did you talk about with the doctor today?" "He said my loss of memory was due to dissatisfaction with my current circumstances and I should try to revive an old childhood hobby of mine to overcome it – can you explain to me what he meant?" "We'll have a nice long holiday on the beach with sand molds and everything," Roberto announces, briefly interrupting his activity of strangling Doug. Illyana looks at Roberto sternly and he releases Doug. Doug mutters something about liking her new personality much better. Roberto considers resuming his previous activity. "Why does he always have to be so aggressive?" Illyana wonders. She turns to Sam to look at him with wide innocent, admiring eyes. "Why can't you be my boyfriend?" Grrrowlll. "Help! Protect me from that big, bad, menacing wolf!" Illyana grabs a chair and holds it in front of her defensively. "Rahne, calm yourself," Sam yells. "Illyana, calm yourself. I can't be your boyfriend because I'm Rahne's boyfriend. And as soon as you get your memory back you'll remember all the wonderful reasons "unfathomable reasons," Doug interjects. "all the wonderful reasons for which you love Roberto." "I'd settle for her resuming to discipline her demons as an intermediate state," Roberto suggests. "Okay." Illyana puts down the chair. "But I didn't buy those chairs. I'd never have bought chairs that are so lightweight. They're absolutely useless for defense." Grrrrrrrrowllllllll. Rahne leaps through the window and disappears. "What's wrong with her?" asks Doug. Sam shrugs resignedly. "As long as Illyana bought our furniture, we could blame all the resulting ugliness on her demonic taste. Now that Rahne has taken over it's eating her up that she can't produce better results." He flops down on a chair, topples over and almost breaks his neck. The beaver that has been gnawing at the chairs' legs growls at him menacingly. Amara grabs a knife and mumbles something about a rare delicacy. Dani intervenes and mumbles something about a rare opportunity to get rid of the chairs. Sam mumbles something about aspirin but no one hears him. __________________ Illyana and Roberto have gone for a walk. "... and then the doctor said I had to accept the world as it was and I said I didn't want to and he said I had to and I said I preferred to change the world to my liking and he said I couldn't and then I changed his desk into a beaver and then he screamed and ran. Did I do something wrong?" "No, everything's all right, darling." "You seem preoccupied." "Everything's all right, darling." "You didn't hear a word of what I said." "All right, darling, I may have been a little bit distracted, but I assure you I heard every word of what you told me about Amara's beaver breeding project." "You don't love me anymore." "Darling, that's not true." "Then why didn't you listen?" Roberto shrugs apologetically. "I'm not used to you being so perceptive." Illyana pouts. "Okay. I believe you, I probably even love you but I don't want to talk to you for the rest of today." Illyana stalks off. Roberto sighs, then realizes that he's free to make some very important business calls. As he pulls out his cell phone, two demons, one green, one red, approach. "Sorry to disturb you, sir, but how's our mistress doing?" the green one asks. "Will she be back soon?" the red one inquires. "Just why do you want her back?" Roberto snaps, clearly disturbed. "The bigger demons beat us up and she beats up the bigger demons," the smaller demons explain. Roberto sighs exasperatedly. "Don't you think I have more important things on my mind? I need to restructure two German companies, Deutsche Bahn and Deutsche Telekom, and I really don't have time to listen to your petty complaints." "Restructure Deutsche Bahn and Deutsche Telekom?" the green demon repeats. "We could do that for you," the red demon offers. Roberto considers for a moment, stares after his girlfriend, stares at the demons and says: "Okay. You find the files in my room." Then he follows Illyana. "What's a company?" the green demon asks the red one. _________________________________________ Illyana is watching cartoons. Doug is baby-sitting her. "Why does Skeletor always lose?" Illyana asks curiously. "Because he's evil. Life rewards only good deeds," Doug replies, crossing his fingers behind his back. "All he would have needed to prevent He-Man from destroying his fabric of monsters would have been to install an alarm system and hire some decent bodyguards. Don't think it's more a question of intelligence rather than of good or evil?" Illyana muses. Doug glares at her indignantly and looks around for someone to relieve him of his baby-sitting duties. "You know, I really think these cartoons are stupid," Illyana declares. She sees Roberto come in. "Could you please tell Roberto that cartoons don't help me to become a less forgetful person and I'd like to go to the opera tonight?" Illyana urges Doug. "Do you prefer operas to cartoons?" Doug asks flabbergasted. Illyana shakes her head. "No, but I've just had a glimpse of memory that Roberto doesn't like to accompany me there." "Stop whatever you're doing and help me!" Dani shouts from the cellar. "Our beaver has destroyed the water pipes!" ______________________________________________ One week later. The beaver has changed the cellar into a gigantic lake and is defending it vehemently. Illyana still doesn't remember how to change it back into a desk. The New Mutants are sitting on cushions around their somewhat shortened desk in the living room and deliberating what do. "Why don't we forget about our troubles here and go for a nice holiday in Europe?" Sam suggests. "How are we going to get there?" Dani asks a justified question. "Illyana doesn't remember how to teleport." "We could swim. I'm sure we've had enough training in the cellar," Amara suggests. "I told you we should have slain that beaver while we could." "Ahm, I'd rather not visit Germany," Roberto adds for economically justified reasons. Illyana comes in. "I brought you coffee." She pours everyone a cup. Doug tries it, spits it out and coughs vehemently. "I think Illyana is totally back to her old personality," Doug yells in pain. "If she can brew the coffee from hell, why can't she send the beaver there?" Illyana looks at him disapprovingly. "I bought the coffee from a vending machine in the town center." "Actually, where's Rahne?" Roberto asks to distract everyone from holidays in countries with a large group of exasperated private shareholders. "She's writing," Sam explains. "Does that mean she's over the chairs?" Dani inquires. "No, it means she's trying to finish her first novel series as soon as possible so that she can buy new chairs from the royalties. I haven't been able to use my computer in 168 hours," Sam explains resignedly. "Do you want me to make you tea or can I go and finish tidying up the loft?" Illyana asks, trying to be helpful. "You know, I've just remembered you once told me you that your favorite childhood hobby was beaver hunting," Roberto interjects. "Why don't you go to the basement instead?" "Doug showed me photos that prove that my favorite childhood hobby was cleaning the loft," Illyana objects. Doug is preparing to run and hide behind the beaver. Roberto is preparing to give him a reason to run. "Oh, by the way," Illyana adds. "I found this horned helmet in the loft." She holds up a battered piece of metal that everyone but herself recognizes as her own. "It's got a hole at the top. Can I throw it away?" "Ahm, Illyana why don't you go fold paper planes while we discuss what to do with the helmet," Sam suggests. Illyana leaves. Roberto is staring at the broken helmet, unbelieving. "So this is the reason why Illyana complained about a headache after every battle with her demons," he finally utters. "You mean we should have tried aspirin instead of psychotherapy?" Dani asks, incredulous. "But the doctor was so sure it was psychosomatic." "I guess you can charge slightly more for a therapy session than for a pack of aspirins," Doug muses. "So how do we cure her? Bashing her over the head again?" Sam asks. "The more important question is: who is going to cure her?" Amara brings up a delicate question. Everyone retreats a step. "I guess that leaves the beaver," Dani concludes.